Questing Sucks! Book II (10 page)

Sehn decided that as soon as the next opportunity presented itself, he’d find a seller of amulets and purchase an anti-charming bracelet, because clearly Cah’lia had cast a spell on his mind, one which not even the Great Sehn was capable of unweaving on his own.

How dare she
?
Sehn wondered.
That foolish
,
man-charming
,
woman
!
I’m not really going to respect her
.
I’ll just pretend that I’m respecting her
.
Hmm
,
but isn’t that the s
a
me thing
?
Damn
!
What has she done to my mind
?

He knew she followed closely behind him. He could tell by the sound of feet crunching against the rocky, uneven road in the same one-two pattern as Cah’lia’s typical walk.

Look at me
.
I even know the sound her feet make when she walks
.
This is bullshit
.
I should’ve known Cah’lia would cast a spell on me someday
.
Now all I can do is think about her
.
I shall personally execute her for this crime
.
Wait until Nero hears about this
.
She will be punished
.
No matter what
,
I will not show her respect
.
No matter what
!

“Sehn!” Cah’lia called. “Wait up!”

“Ah, sorry,” he mumbled—then almost bit his tongue. He reminded himself that it was only her magic forcing him to act this way. Who knew that all this time Cah’lia was a fierce mage capable of charming even the Great Sehn? Still, he had never been defeated in battle, and he wasn’t about to start now. One way or another he’d break this curse.

I may as well play along for the time being
.

Sehn nodded to himself. If for any reason Cah’lia tried to kiss him, he’d go along with it until he purchased his magical amulet, and definitely not because he wanted to.

He smelled her perfume as she moved to stand beside him. These days, it seemed that even a few moments away from her were enough to cause actual pain in his chest. But then again, so was the time spent
with
her. It was
a lose
-lose sort of deal, which shouldn’t have been possible because the Great Sehn was incapable of losing at anything.

“Where is this fool’s lair?” Sehn asked, becoming impatient. “How can we not be there yet?”

Cah’lia let out an exasperated sigh. “Why does everything have to be a lair or a command post with you, Sehn? Just for once, can’t you call something what it is? And to answer your question, his
workshop
should be at the end of this street. Come on.”

Sehn traveled with Cah’lia through the workmen’s quarter. Unlike the rest of Hahl, which had smooth, well-paved roads, and a variety of locations to eat and sleep, this place was mostly rock and granite with unpaved, uneven roads that made him nauseous to walk over. Sehn hadn’t seen a single horse on the streets, and not a single fountain, garden, or decoration. It was a place of work, and looking pretty was a low priority next to getting stuff done, it seemed.

Wolly’s workshop was up a steep hill that provided a wide, elevated view of the rest of the city. Sehn could see all the way across Hahl. He could even gaze as far out as the courtyard on the opposite end of the city, where many of Hahl’s soldiers were still assembled. The sun was a bright orange ball in the sky, an hour or so from setting and bringing forth night, and already the city bloomed to life with torches and street lamps. It was beautiful.

Wait, Beautiful? Beautiful!

Gods
,
did I just think something was beautiful
?
That fucking Cah’lia is destroying me
!
This is a catastrophe
.
Soon there will be nothing left of the true Sehn and all that shall remain is bitch
.
I shall be reduced to nothing but bitch
!

Sehn placed a hand over his heart, which pounded in his chest. He needed to remain calm, but the fear refused to let up. He took a deep breath, holding it inside his lungs and then releasing it slowly. Panicking would do him no good.

“I think you’re going to find this place interesting,” Cah’lia said. She walked to the small cobblestone door that led inside what he assumed must’ve been the foolish dwarf’s lair—or “workshop,” whatever. From the outside, Wolly’s workshop was nothing spectacular, just another boring, grey structure among others.

Cah’lia pushed open the door and Sehn followed her in. At once he was greeted by the sound of whooshing air and soft hums from all around. Cah’lia had been right. Though small, the workshop was spectacular.

It was cramped on the inside. Cogs, machines, and a host of other things Sehn had never seen took up most of the space. Some wheel-shaped objects spun and emitted small puffs of smoke, while larger tube-shaped devices rang and clattered. The place smelled of oil, and Sehn had to admit he was rather impressed with what Wolly had been able to do in such a short span of time.

Amid the ringing, humming, and clacking of various dwarven machinery, a lively tune filled the workshop, but from where? Sehn couldn’t see any musicians. As if reading his mind, Cah’lia pointed to a horn near a desk in the back of the workshop, where Wolly stood facing away from them as though unaware they’d arrived. Then the little dwarf began moving erratically, throwing his hands up in the air while he bent and unbent his knees.

“Is he dancing?” Sehn asked. “This might be so funny that I can’t even laugh at it.”

Wolly, oblivious to their entry, entered a semi-fighting stance and shook his pudgy butt while he punched the air. A moment later, he began to sing.

“
Old Wolly be a sexy dwarf
,
and ye had better be know’in it
.
He be hav’in a sexy arse
,
and he’s not afraid to be show’in it
.”

Cah’lia cleared her throat, loudly, and Wolly let out a high-pitched shriek. He slammed his palm down on a fist-sized orange button-shaped thing on the wall to his left and then music abruptly cut off. When he turned around, his face turned a darker shade of red than the fabric of Saerina’s royal dresses. He let out another girly shriek.

“A—ah! Missy Cah’lia, Sehn, W-why ye be sneak’in up on Old Wolly? Oh, Gods, Old Wolly is so embarrassed now. Why would ye be watchin’ him do his butt shuffle without say’in anything? Aww, poor Wolly never be gett’in any breaks.”

“Sorry,” Cah’lia said, “but you didn’t hear us come in with the loud music playing.”

Sehn tilted his head back and roared with laughter. “Hahaha! You can expect me to tell everyone about this, Wolly. Not only that, but I have just decided that I shall lie and add even more details to this already embarrassing story so that all in Hahl shall speak of the naked dwarf who dances drunkenly in his lair!”

“But I’m not naked.”

“We shall see who believes you after the hero of Hahl announces it.”

Wolly’s lips peeled back as though in terror. “Oh, Sehn, please don’t be doin’ tha’ to old Wolly. It’ll destroy me heart.”

“Very well. Since I am a kind and merciful deity, I suppose for a small donation, I might be able to—”

Cah’lia elbowed him in the ribs and gave him a stern look. Sehn wanted to say something nasty, but he wasn’t sure if that fell under the category of disrespectful or not. He needed to learn the rules as soon as possible.

Wolly motioned for them to head over to his desk. Sehn had to navigate carefully around the workshop. Sharp, pointy, and moving objects threatened to cause injury or worse. How did Wolly manage to put all this stuff together in just a few days? Sehn shook his head. Dwarves were something else. And what in the Gods were some of these things? One looked like a wind-up clock, only it was made of brass and there was nothing to wind, and steam came out of a small tube at the back of it.

“So, is our machine ready, Wolly?” Cah’lia asked.

Wolly’s face lit up with pleasure. “Oh, she be that, she does. Let me show ye the blueprints.” He pulled open a drawer and removed a blue piece of paper with white marks on it. Sehn grew both excited and nervous. There was a picture of a machine with numbers, lines, and labels, though Sehn hadn’t the slightest idea what any of it actually meant.

For the next six-to-seven years—or at least that was how long it felt—Wolly rambled on and on about its ‘specifications’ or something, and Cah’lia listened as if she knew what in the Gods the dwarf was talking about, which was impossible, because Sehn didn’t know. And of course, it went without saying that if Sehn didn’t understand something, then no one else did, either.

“So,” Cah’lia said, “when can we use it?”

“First thing in the morning, missy Cah’lia. Old Wolly’ll show
ye
how to get it up and in the air, he will.”

Sehn eyed the blueprint skeptically. It vaguely resembled a bird, because it had two wings and a tail. But this device had a sharp, circular-shaped section in the front with blade sort of thing running through it as though it were intended to spin. Would something like this really be able to fly?

“Tell Old Wolly what the matter is, Sehn? Ye be look’in upset.”

Sehn frowned. “Will this creation of yours actually be able to take us to Magia?”

Wolly shook his head. “Magia? Aw, no, lad. Nothing Old Wolly could make could be tak’in ye there. And why’d ya want it to, en’ehway?”

Sehn, moments from foaming at the mouth, slammed his hand down on Wolly’s desk. “Foolish dwarf! Do not question me, as I am the question-asker. And just why would you create such a pathetic device if it cannot even reach Magia?”

Cah’lia gave him a look of warning. “Easy, Sehn. This was originally intended to make our journey from this point on a lot easier. Wolly didn’t know we’d need to go there.” To Wolly, she asked, “Something has happened, and now we need to travel to Magia. Do you think you could make this thing work well enough to take us up that high?”

“No.”

Sehn removed his blade just a few inches from its sheath and narrowed his eyes at the dwarf. “Are you certain of that?” he whispered.

“Don’t
threaten
him,” Cah’lia said with a moan. “He’s obviously not refusing. He probably just can’t do it.”

“Then I shall slice him apart until he learns!”

Wolly took a step forward in Sehn’s direction. “Please, please, let Old Wolly explain.” He held out his hands defensively and then pointed towards the corner of the workshop. All Sehn could see was the stone that made up the wall. “In that way be lie’in the Gryphon-Head Mountain. Only those beasts can help ye make the trip, but it’s too steep to be climbin’, you see? Old Wolly’s flying machine will be gett’in you there, missy Cah’lia.”

“Gryphons? I don’t understand.”

“Ye can’t be getting’ up to Magia without ‘em. You’ve just got to capture one and make it take ye there.”

Sehn rubbed his chin, his anger fading. “So what you’re saying is that the Great Sehn gets to tame a new minion? Good, I’ve always wanted a gryphon. I demand we capture one at once! And it must be far more powerful than Shina’s. My gryphon is to shoot fire from its anus and breathe ice.”

“Ehh, I don’t think those be exist’in, Sehn.”

Sehn grabbed the insolent little dwarf by his shirt. “Then you shall make them exist or you shall perish! I am Sehn. Even mountains tremble in fright at my coming.”

Wolly backed away, moaning. “Old Wolly can’t be inventin’ animals, Sehn. I swear it.”

Sehn gave Wolly a piercing look, while Cah’lia gave him one of her own. Whatever. Sehn spun around and sat in a chair, in one of the few uncluttered spaces in the workshop. Come morning, he’d be ready. He didn’t like the idea of using some dwarven mechanism, but if that was the only way, what else could he do?

Sehn gripped his hands into fists and leaned his head against the wall. Tame a gryphon, invade a city, and rescue the mage-brat—easy enough for the likes of Sehn. He dozed off in the chair and allowed his imagination to take him away. Unfortunately, Cah’lia’s magic had affected his dreams, too.

“How dare you tell me no!” Sehn shouted.

Cah’lia allowed him to vent his rage, though mostly because he was doing a rather admirable job of keeping his words—if not his tone—respectful. For the last ten minutes he’d been shouting at her, but in an amazing display of restraint, not a single foul remark or insult had been sent her way.

She exhaled and tried to make him see reason. “Sehn, if you’d stop yelling at me then I’d be happy to explain once
again
why I’m the one who needs to pilot the flying machine.”

Cah’lia waited a few seconds before continuing. She pointed to Wolly’s flying machine. While Sehn had slept through the night, she’d been awake studying the thing, carefully memorizing Wolly’s instructions. It was somewhat chillier out today, though still on the warmer side. The wings reflected back the sun that shone down on it, causing Cah’lia to have to squint when she observed it from certain angles.

“That thing is not a toy—and don’t interrupt me. I’m not finished. I know what you’re about to say. You’re going to blabber something ridiculous, like…” Cah’lia inhaled sharply and spoke in her best imitation of Sehn’s haughtiest, most commanding tone. “The world is but a toy to me, Fool’lia! For I, the Great Sehn, control all things like puppets.”

Sehn’s mouth dropped open, and he covered it with his palm. It only then occurred to Cah’lia that she’d just mocked Sehn far worse than anyone had ever mocked him before. But rather than explode in one of his typical tirades, Sehn snorted laughter at her then grinned.

“Cah’lia! That was pretty good.”

“I try,” she said, hiding her surprise. Who knew he had a sense of humor? This was new.

It took some convincing, but eventually Sehn conceded that, if allowed to fly the machine, he’d probably crash it into a mountain and kill them both. This would take some getting used to. In an odd sort of way, it felt like an amazing feat to have Sehn respect her. He was still the same old Sehn around everyone else, but with her, things were changing. He looked at her differently now. Since their kiss the previous night, Sehn’s attitude towards her could almost be called nice—almost.

“Is there no way I can fly this thing?” Sehn asked.

Cah’lia grinned. “Actually, there is.”

“Really?”

“Yep.” She walked over to the machine. They were in a small fenced-off area behind Wolly’s workshop, towards the edge of a very steep hill that led back down to the residential areas of Hahl.

Their flying machine had two seats, one in front of the other, and Cah’lia reached beneath the pilot’s chair and pulled out a thick book, large enough to be heavy in her arms. She returned to Sehn and dropped it by his feet; it made a loud plot on the rocky ground.

“All you have to do is study this, and you can be our pilot. Deal?”

“How many pages is it?”

“Four hundred.”

“Four hundred as in…?”

“As in the number four hundred.”

Sehn nodded. “Fuck it. You fly.”

It was only an hour past sunrise, and already the workmen’s quarter was full of activity and noise. Actually, the men had begun the day’s work several hours prior, but things were only really ramping up now.

Cah’lia blinked away her fatigue and prepared herself and Sehn for the journey. She was confident that if she followed Wolly’s instructions, she’d be able to pilot the flying machine safely. Unfortunately, the machine was small, and there was only enough room to bring a spare change of clothes for each of them and a few small provisions, which fit inside a tiny compartment in the rear of the vehicle.

Wolly arrived with tea and crackers, and though Sehn did impose a tax on Wolly to eat his own food—which Cah’lia forced the idiot to refund—Sehn didn’t try any of his nonsense with her at least. Well, progress was progress, right?

Wolly spent the next hour making his final checks on their flying machine. He lay on his back with wrenches and other tools, tinkering around with things Cah’lia had no understanding of. Eventually, with grease-stained hair and soot covering his white undershirt, he slid back out from beneath the machine, hopped back to his feet, and gave Cah’lia a thumbs up.

“She be ready now for fly’in, Missy Cah’lia. Old Wolly fixed her up good, he did.”

“Thanks, Wolly, you’re the best.” Cah’lia pulled the little dwarf close and kissed him on the forehead. She couldn’t help it. The little beings were too cute. Sehn didn’t seem to like the gesture, because his eyes widened and he snarled, the sound of it just low enough for her to hear it amid the sudden breeze that sent small pebbles and dirt rolling across the ground.

“I helped too!” Sehn growled through his teeth. “This foolish dwarf asked me to pass him a tool and I did it.”

Wolly surprised Cah’lia and growled right back at him. “Why’d ye gotta go and lie, Sehn! You dropped it right on me crunkets.”

Cah’lia didn’t know whether to be flattered or annoyed. She realized that in the process of fixing some of her issues with Sehn, she’d created an entirely new one: jealousy. And nothing with him was ever a medium-sized problem, either. With Sehn, he either cared about something as much as something can possibly be cared for, or not at all.

Just great
.
Now I’m going to have to carry around buckets of water
,
because Sehn is going to throw fireballs at anyone who gives me an appreciative look
.

Cah’lia concealed a moan as her mind brought forth all the things that Sehn might do. You just never knew with him, and nothing was ever too extreme. The steps Cah’lia now had to take to prevent Sehn’s outbursts were beyond absurd.

Originally, Wolly wanted to paint a face on the front of the vehicle to make it look fierce and deadly, but Cah’lia had asked him to stop. Why? Because for all Cah’lia knew, Sehn might think the machine was looking at her butt and attack it. It sounded crazy, but Sehn had once tried to fight the wind. She’d even caught him on occasion threatening maps for giving him the wrong directions. Breaking their only means to Magia wasn’t such an outrageous idea compared to that.

Wolly clapped his hands and then wiped them off on his already filthy shirt. “Well, I guess ye be off now, Missy Cah’lia.”

She nodded. “Sehn, are you ready?”

“Hmph! The Great Sehn is always ready, even when he isn’t.”

“Why did I even ask? All right then. I guess it’s time to find ourselves a gryphon.”

Cah’lia hopped into the vehicle. She felt it rock as Sehn jumped into the seat behind her. He made growling sounds under his breath. Cah’lia knew that the idea of riding in the back seat of something must’ve annoyed him to no end. Well, too bad, because not only did she want to get there, but she also wanted to get there
alive
. Still, there was one major obstacle to overcome.

Cah’lia sighed. “Sehn, what I’m about to do is something I didn’t know was possible, let alone that I’d ever attempt it. We’re about to use dwarven technology to…fly, like birds in the sky. I need you to obey me. And before you respond, I’ll give you my word that I’ll never tell anyone you obeyed me. I’ll even sign one of those silly pieces of paper you always seem to have on—”

Before Cah’lia could finish speaking, Sehn was already handing her one of his idiotic ‘Sehn Seals.’ Why in the world did he waste so much time on these things? This wasn’t the first time she’d seen one, but she could never shake her disbelief at the level of detail and professionalism that went into his meaningless papers. Cah’lia didn’t bother to read the contract before she signed, because she knew it would only annoy her. Without a doubt, she’d be signing over her soul, firstborn, home, future children’s homes, future children’s firstborn’s souls, and any number of equally ridiculous things that he’d never bother to collect on.

She scribbled her name and handed it back to him. “All right, first things first, put on your safety harness.”

“Absolutely not.”

“But I signed the—”

“Article four, Sehnsion twelve,” he interrupted. “The Great Sehn shall not be asked to do anything that would make him look like a bitch.”

Cah’lia, facing forward in her seat and thankfully unable to see whatever stupid look happened to be on his face, lowered her voice into a threatening rumble. “Sehn, put on your damn safety harness, or I will kiss Wolly again.”

Click
.

Well, at least that was easy enough. Cah’lia looked down at the controls. There were a series of knobs, levers, and switches, all of which she’d been forced to learn during the course of a single night. She began to doubt herself as she double checked she recalled which was which. This just had to be a mistake: a huge, huge mistake.

Why did I think I could do this
?

Panic threatened to overwhelm her. What made her think she could possibly pilot this kind of machine with but a single night’s study? No, they’d need to find another way to Magia. This was wrong, all wrong. She couldn’t risk their lives this way, she couldn’t—

She was startled as she felt two strong hands clasp onto her shoulders. “Sehn, what are you doing?”

She felt the tension decrease immediately. Sehn, in one of his few unselfish movements, massaged her shoulders. Every knot and ache from the long night faded as if it had never been there. Who knew Sehn could do something like this? She rested her head against the back of her seat and closed her eyes for a moment.

“Why are you so nervous, Cah’lia?”

“Because this is dangerous. If elves were meant to fly, then the Gods would’ve given us wings.”

“Fool!” Sehn shouted, stopping his massage. It was the first time he’d insulted her since his promise of respect. “Look around you. We
do
have wings. What are you talking about?”

“Sehn, I don’t think you know what you’re—”Cah’lia laughed as the realization hit her, powerful enough to cut her off mid-sentence.

He actually has a point
.

Sehn was right. In his own simpleminded way, he was right. Cah’lia was certain he didn’t intend to be profound and use a practical observation to highlight a bigger picture, but whether he meant to do so or not, his words broke through Cah’lia’s skepticism and self-doubt. Their home was in great peril, as were their friends and family. They needed a way—
any
way of reaching Magia, and now they had one. They had wings. Two of them, to be precise.

Cah’lia sat up straighter and pulled a lever to the left and below her. “Let’s do this.”

The front of the vehicle, which Cah’lia had learned was called a propeller, began to spin. It started up slow, but within seconds, it made a loud, chugging whine that sounded like air being cut. It spun so fast that Cah’lia could no longer see the individual rotations. The flying machine vibrated and shook. Smoke came out of two cylindrical tubes to the rear of the vehicle and drifted off on the wind.

Wolly had opened the gate to the enclosed area, and now he held a red flag in each hand, waving them on. Cah’lia turned a knob, and as if by magic, with no horses or other living creatures to pull it, the vehicle—no, the aircraft—began accelerating on its own.

Amazing
.
I can’t believe this
.
We’re moving without using our legs or the legs of an animal
.

Though they were traveling no faster than a normal walk, Cah’lia yelped out a cheer. “Sehn! We’re moving without animals! Do you see this? Isn’t this amazing?” She had to shout to be heard.

“Y-y-yeah,” Sehn croaked. “S-s-s-so f-f-fucking cool!”

With the propeller dulling the sound, Cah’lia laughed at him without fear that he’d hear it. So, the Great Sehn, mister big-badass Sehn was scared out of his wits, was he? Cah’lia resisted the temptation to tease him. For all his bravado, at times he could be such a big baby. She wondered if his eyes were closed.

They definitely are
.

Cah’lia played it safe and steady. She kept the aircraft at a slow speed until she’d cleared the gate. She tugged on another lever below her, and the machine turned in the direction facing the workmen’s quarter. She felt a weird bubble in her stomach at the unfamiliar motion. Now, in front of her was a narrow dirt pathway roughly the width of the plane. It was also the closest to level ground they were likely to find, though it would certainly be a bumpy ride to start off.

Wolly gave her a thumbs-up and she returned one of her own. Wolly had told her that she’d need to go fast enough for the aircraft to “take off.” And as insane as that sounded, Cah’lia trusted the little dwarf. Wolly was a sweetheart who would never harm her, though she suspected the little guy had something of a crush on her. But wasn’t he married?

Cah’lia removed the thoughts from her mind and focused on her task at hand. This relatively flat stretch of dirt pathway didn’t extend very far, but Wolly insisted that she’d have just enough room to be airborne before hitting the streets. It would be close, but she’d make it.

“Sehn, open your eyes. You don’t want to miss this. Who knows if we’ll ever get to do something like this again?”

“My eyes
are
open! That’s the fucking problem here!”