Questing Sucks! Book II (51 page)

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“How should I know?” Cah’lia responded. She giggled, and Sehn stared at her, both startled and perplexed. Something was wrong with her. It was her voice. It was high pitched.
Far
too high pitched, but also it was squeaky, as well. This was not the voice that belonged to Cah’lia. Sehn didn’t recognize it.

And her hand…it was soft. Cah’lia’s hands were soft, but this was
too
soft. This woman, whoever she was, looked just like Cah’lia, but that was where the similarities ended, as she did not sound, feel, speak, or act like Cah’lia did. And Sehn would not be fooled by an imposter. He would know the true Cah’lia as easily as he would know his own self.

“Who are you?” Sehn asked. He let go of her hand and backed away a step. “Where am I?”

Cah’lia—or whoever she was—smiled at him. “I don’t know. I thought you could tell me that, Sehn.” She shrugged. “But wow, wow, wow! It’s great that you’re here. I’m so excited,
yay
!”

“Who are you? And why are you excited? By that I mean aside from the fact that you are standing before the Great Sehn, which I should note is
not
a free service. Payment shall be discussed later. For now, tell me who you are.”

“You have to guess!”

Sehn frowned. He was becoming irritated. “I will
not
guess. Speak now or feel the wrath of Sehn. What manner of bitch are you?”

The Cah’lia impersonator opened her mouth and huffed. “Y-y-you just called me the b-word! I don’t think I like you.”

At this, all other concerns needed to be temporarily put aside: where he was, who this woman was, why she looked like Cah’lia, and how he’d gotten here were not as important as what she’d just said, which took precedence over all else. This needed to be addressed immediately.

“How
dare
you not like me?” he shouted at her. “I demand that you like me this instant. If I am not your favorite person by the time I count to one, you will be annihilated. One. Now do you like me?”

“Nope!” the fake Cah’lia said, sticking out her tongue at him and making a taunting, irritating “
bluhhhh
” sound.

Sehn hissed in anger. “You shall pay dearly for that remark—and for that bluhh! Just as soon as I know who you are and where I am.” Becoming angrier by the second, Sehn curled his nose and growled. “I should have known the spell would turn out this way. How could I have been so stupid as to trust those accursed Archmages? Where is my new minion? Where is my
power
!
”

“What Archmages?” the fake Cah’lia asked, her squeaky, bubbly voice driving Sehn further to the point of madness. “And what spell? And what power?”

Sehn pointed at her. “You tell
me
, illusion woman.”

“Tell you what? I don’t know anything. And I’m
not
an illusion woman, meanie face!”

Sehn almost replied to her, but he gave up before even trying, as he was too overloaded with everything else going on to bother. Instead, he looked off into the distance. The sight of nothingness upon more nothingness tipped the emotional scale drastically to the side of anger as it now dawned on him just how badly he’d been duped. It seemed the spell had turned out to be either a trap or a prank after all. And with this realization, the rage became too much to bear. It rattled him to the core, overwhelming him.

“Gods damn it all!” he yelled, startling the fake Cah’lia and making her flinch. His echo resounded in the distance. Too upset to control himself, he kicked at the sand, which didn’t help, so he kicked it again.

“What’s wrong?” the fake Cah’lia asked.

“What’s wrong?” Sehn repeated, turning his head towards her fast enough that she yelped and stumbled backwards. “What’s wrong is that I knew this spell was a lie. I knew it and I fell for it anyway!” With a loud, booming cry, he shouted, “Curse you, Archmage Bennet! I will find you! I shall have my revenge!”

Sehn looked around for something to break, becoming even more enraged when he saw that there was nothing in sight that he could smash. He felt his hysteria growing, but he was powerless to stop it.

“Are you okay?” the fake Cah’lia asked.

“Of course I’m okay.”

The imposter giggled, which only made his anger burn hotter. “You’re mean but also funny.”

“Cease your laughter this instant, fake Cah’lia. I have just decided that this is to be a joy-free, laughter-free zone until further notice.”

“Sehn, you’re angry.”

“Of course I’m angry!” Sehn shouted. “I just devoted over a day’s worth of time to a fucked-up spell that does nothing but teleports you to a desert—and that’s only
after
it forces you to act like a bitch and talk about your feelings. And I fell for it, too! Gods, why does this sort of magic even exist in the first place? Why would there even be a spell that does this exact thing?”

“What spell?” Cah’lia asked.

“The one that brought me here! It does nothing but make you act like a bitch before teleporting you to a desert.” Sehn inhaled as a horrifying thought came to him. “Does this…does this mean I now have to re-bitch myself in
this
desert just to get back to the other one that I’m already trapped in? Or will doing so cause me to enter a third desert?”

Sehn gritted his teeth a moment, shaking his head. “I cannot believe this. I cannot handle this! I cannot cope with the fact that I now
actually
have to escape from two entirely separate
FUCKING
deserts!
Two
! I haven’t even gotten out of the last one yet, and now I have another one to get out of. I’m going to kill something!”

“I’m sorry,” Cah’lia said. “I can hug you if it makes you feel better.”

Upon hearing her offer, Sehn had to really struggle not to weep. He could not control the loud, animal-like moan that escaped his lips and continued for nearly ten seconds. He even tried to stop it, too, because it sounded like the noise that came from some kind of exotic bird.

“If I didn’t before, I know now that I am truly in hell. So then…is this how I am destined to spend eternity? Bitch-hopping across time and space? Oh, so help me Gods, I shall find my way back to the last desert and squeeze the life out of that wretched Archmage Bennet—I shall strangle him with my own two hands, that traitorous coward. The Great Sehn shall burn his soul!”

“Stop,” the fake Cah’lia said. She reached out and grabbed Sehn by his elbow. “Stop that.”

“Stop
what
?”

“Stop saying those really mean things. Gosh, you’re not being nice at all. Let’s just be happy and dance!”

“…dance?”

“Yep-yep-mhmm. I love dancing. I just realized that.”

“What kind of illusion monster
are
you?” Sehn asked her. “I cannot believe I was tricked into using a spell that does this specific thing. This entire world we’re in…it was designed just to torture me.”

This was it. He’d completely lost his grip on everything. He looked over to the small pond just a few-dozen feet behind the fake Cah’lia. He wondered if he should drown himself in it and be done with all this nonsense once and for all. Because this was no dream. The heat here was too real, the sun too bright, and the fake Cah’lia too annoying.

“Sehn, stop being so mean and grumpy!” Cah’lia whined.

Sehn gritted his teeth at the sound of her whining. The real Cah’lia never whined. But this…thing? This definitely did. Just what was it, anyway? Wait…hadn’t he seen something like this before? With a start, Sehn recalled that this was not the first time he had seen someone being impersonated. There was that time in the Death Woods with Nero.

“Are you by any chance one of those green monsters that live in the Death Woods?”

“The what?” she asked, sounding hurt. “I’m
not
a monster. That’s so mean. You’re not nice to me.”

Sehn widened his eyes. As the woman spoke, she…she changed, somehow. For just a moment, her ears seemed to become a bit pointier, her nose more rigid, and a few freckles dotted her face. A green ribbon decorated her hair, which was now shorter and blond in color, and she became another person entirely—but only for this one instant. Less than a second later, her face again resembled Cah’lia’s. Sehn stared at her, confused, not sure what to say or do at this point. Especially since she began to cry.

“Sehn’s a meanie. A big fat meanie!”

“Cease your crying, impersonator.”

“Nope-nope. You hurt my feelings. I’m not a monster! Take it back.”

“I refuse.”

“You can’t refuse,” she whined, moaned, and cried all at the same time, tears rolling down her eyes in a flood. “Stop being mean to me, Sehn. I’m only even here because you made me, and you’re not even being nice to me.”

“Huh? What now? Do you actually expect me to know what in the Gods you’re blabbering about?”

“You should. You
created
me.”

“Of course I did. I created everything.”

“Nope! You only created
me
.”

Sehn scratched the bridge of his nose while he looked at her. Then a nervous, very unsettling thought popped into his head. At first, he shot it down, refusing to believe that the Gods could hate him to such an extent as to allow something this humiliating to happen. But as the thought grew on him, he realized that the worst might very well have taken place.

“Are you…are you my greater summon?”

The woman nodded and smiled, her tears coming to an unexpected and abrupt end. “Yep-yep-mhmm!”

Sehn returned the nod—and the smile. “I see.” Then, slowly, he began walking the short distance towards the pond behind her.

“Where are you going?” she asked him.

“To fucking drown myself!”

Sehn only made it a few steps before the fake Cah’lia—who Sehn
refused
to accept as his greater summon—began tugging on his elbow with both of her hands. She was surprisingly weak, which in itself was enough to separate her from the real Cah’lia.

“Don’t drown yourself, Sehnny. Don’t do it. Life is too short!”

Sehn came to an immediate halt, then spun around to face her. The look in his eyes must have been seething with hatred, because when he caught her gaze, she squeaked and jumped backwards, her face flushing red.

“Did you just call the Great Sehn…‘Sehnny’?”

As if to make him angrier on purpose, she struck a bizarre, infuriating pose. She lifted her left leg, curling it up and behind her back, and she tilted her head to the side. Then she offered him a hideously stupid smile. “Yep-yep-mhmm.”

“Very well. I have decided I am not going to drown myself after all.”

The woman blew out a sigh. “Whew. That’s good.”

“Because!” Sehn continued. “I have decided to drown you instead!”

The Cah’lia impersonator made another squeak. It grated Sehn how high-pitched and bubbly her voice was. This was the sort of thing he could only tolerate, at the
most
, for five to six consecutive seconds—per
year
. If this was to be his newest minion, he would have to destroy her and begin again. Something had obviously gone wrong during the creation process.

“Don’t drown me, Sehn,” she pleaded, her eyes once again soaked with tears. “I’ll be a good pixie, I promise!”

“A good
what
?”

“A pixie.”

“What is a ‘pixie’? Are you saying you’re not merely an impersonator who steals the form of others?”

“Nope-nope!”

Sehn felt a portion of his anger fade, though only a bit of it. “So then, this is not your true form?”

“Nope. I don’t even know why I look like this.” As if to demonstrate her confusion, the fake Cah’lia turned over her palms and gestured at her waist. “I don’t look this way at all. But I can switch back to the real me if ya want.”

At this, Sehn felt his ears twitch. “The real…you?”

“Yep-yep-mhmm! I don’t look anything like this. I’m not even this size, either. Not even close!”

Perhaps this can still turn out okay after all
, Sehn thought, his interest piqued.

With a bit of his faith restored, Sehn nodded at her. He licked his lips, tasting the greed on his chops. Could power finally be about to make its way into his hands? It seemed that way. Sehn tried not to get
too
optimistic, but it wasn’t easy.

“Of course this is not your true form,” he said. “Of course it isn’t! After all, half of my soul went into your creation, yes? Tell me, fake Cah’lia. Which of the two are you: a giant minotaur with swords instead of hands, or a tremendous serpent-dragon hybrid that can shoot lightning from its eyes?”

When she did not immediately reply, Sehn rubbed his hands together. “Well? Tell me.”

“Ah…”

“Do not ‘ah’ me, my new minion. Show me your true form! Show me your power!”

“Maybe it’s better if I stay like this for a while, Sehnny.”

Sehn bared his teeth. Whatever fuse he still had was now so short that all it took to set him off was the stupid grin on her lips. “You will learn to obey me, my creature. And stop calling me that name.”

“Sorry, sorry.”

“Do not apologize. Now, show me your power. And if you are not at least fifteen-stories tall, eight-thousand pounds, and equipped with a
minimum
of four battleaxes, I shall personally cut my soul out of you and make another minion while I laugh gleefully as you fade out of existence.”

The fake Cah’lia averted her eyes a moment. Then she puckered her lips, which began to quiver. Within seconds, she made a long, dramatic moan, which turned to sobs, and before Sehn realized what was happening, tears began running down both of her eyes, drop after drop.

“Stop being
meaaannn
,” she whined. “Stop!”

Cautiously, Sehn reached out his finger and wiped away one of her tears. Then he rubbed the liquid between his thumb and forefinger. A moment later, he swore a few of the foulest profanities that he knew.

“Why do your tears not burn my skin?”

“Why
would
they?” she asked, sniffling.

“No more games. Show me your true form.”

“You’re gonna be disappointed and hate me!”

“The Great Sehn hates everyone. And at this point, it is impossible for me to be any more disappointed than I already am. Perhaps if your service is so exceptional that it transcends my ability to believe, I will allow you out into the light two days out of the year instead of just one.”

“I’ll show you what I really look like. Okay? But don’t be mean or I’ll cry.”

“Whatever you do, don’t cry. You’ve already cried three times in the past fifteen minutes. In fact, you’ve used up your cries for the next ten years.”

“Then don’t be mean and I won’t. And promise you won’t be mean if you don’t like what I look like.”

Sehn closed his eyes for just a moment. “Fine,” he said with a sigh and a flick of his hand. “No matter what you look like, I will not be ‘mean.’ Consider this a one-time special pass from your new God-King.”

“Okay!”

Sehn was about to ask how long it would take to reveal herself, but it turned out he didn’t have to. She nodded at him, and then an instant later, there was a soft “poof,” and she vanished, leaving behind a cloud of brown smoke that took nearly thirty seconds to dissipate.

Once it had faded, Sehn tilted his head upwards and searched for her among the clouds. “I don’t see any giants here,” he remarked. He looked over his shoulder, then to his left and right. “I don’t see any giants behind and to the sides of me, either. Hey! Where have you run off to, my new minion?”

“Right here, Sehnny.”

“Right where?”

“Look down.”

A feeling of dismay took over Sehn, and a frown found its way onto his face. Slowly, he lowered his chin a few inches so that he would spot the top of her head if she were only
half
the size of a giant. Yet when he still saw nothing, he lowered it further. At this level, he would be staring into the eyes of an unnaturally tall elf or human. But when he still saw nothing, he was gripped by fear, panic, and a sense of betrayal.

“I’m right here!” a voice called to him. “Look all the way down. No, more than that. More! How come you look so angry? You’re still not looking far enough d—actually, you know what? I’ll just come up to you!”

“Come up…to me?” Sehn whispered.

And then the worst came to pass. The most humiliating moment of Sehn’s life—it had arrived. The sense of disappointment he felt when the little flying creature floated into his vision was so drastic and so terrible that he genuinely thought the shock of it would cause his heart to stop beating and kill him right then and there.

“No,” he whispered, shaking. “No!” he screamed. “
NO
!”

What stood before him—or flew before him, rather—was no giant monster. Hell, it wasn’t even a monster at all. It was a six-inch tall creature with an embarrassingly cute face, big round eyes, a green ribbon in its short blond hair, and cuddly little fingers.

“No!” Sehn bellowed, falling to his knees. “Gods, Why? Why have you given me
this
?”

The creature buzzed her way over to him, bringing herself down low enough so that she still flew before his eyes. “What do you mean,
this
?” she asked, sadness in her voice. “I’m a pixie! My name’s Estelle.”

Ignoring her, Sehn reiterated his plea to the Gods. “I asked you for a powerful ally, and you’ve given me a fucking mosquito!”

“I’m
not
a mosquito!” the pixie who called herself Estelle said. “I’m your greater summon, and I didn’t ask to be born, okay? Now let’s dance.”

She began to dance midair, cheerfully swinging her arms around, giggling, and shaking her hips. Sehn could not believe the sight of it. It went against everything he believed in and stood for. Every violation of every law he had ever made was being broken in front of him—so many that he could barely keep track of them.

For one, the creature was showing happiness without a permit. It was also dancing without a license. But those two things were the least of its egregious offenses. It had defiled the Great Sehn’s name, calling him “Sehnny,” and it had spoken using a voice that far exceeded the mandated pitch requirements Sehn imposed on all living beings. Literally nothing about this situation was okay.

“Stop dancing at once!”

“Nope. I wanna dance,” she said.

Growling, Sehn reached out to grab her, but she flew upwards and out of his reach. He jumped to his feet and tried again, but now she flew behind him; there was a loud buzz in his ear as she soared by it. He spun around but did not see her—then spun around again, and still didn’t. The little thing was fast.

“Sehnny, Sehnny,
Sehnny
!” she taunted.

“As soon as I return to civilization, I shall put you in a fucking birdcage!” he shouted. “Obey me at once, foul creature!”

“Nope-nope. Not until you call me Estelle.”

“I shall call you no such name. You are a tiny winged thing, and so you will be given a tiny-winged-thing name. How about Flyzella?”

“Uh-uh! No way, Sehnny. My name’s Estelle. And you can’t tell me any differently else I won’t listen.”

She moved fast enough to appear a blur. With a buzz, she appeared front and center in his vision again. Her arms were folded and her jaw stiff. It was an act of stubbornness that was vaguely familiar to Sehn, but he wasn’t sure why or how. Had he ever met someone who refused to listen the way his new minion did? He doubted it.

Sehn let out a low, but deep grunt. “I cannot believe I’m stuck with you here forever. What did I do to deserve this?”

“We’re not stuck here,” Estelle said.

She flew close to him—close enough to make him blink. Then she shot upwards and disappeared a moment, before doing something so hideous that it made Sehn lose his breath. Without asking for permission, she landed on the top of his head, using him as some sort of perch. It was an act so disrespectful that the mere shock of it prevented Sehn from feeling any anger; instead, it drowned him in disbelief.

To hell with it
, Sehn thought.
I just want to get out of here
.

“You say we’re not stuck here? How do you know?”

“I just figured it out,” she said cheerfully. “I didn’t know where we were, but then I figured it out. We’re in your mind.”

“So this is
not
a real place?”

“Nope-nope!”

Sehn lost control of his temper. He lifted his fist and pounded it down against the sand. “Cease your incessant nopery! You are allowed one ‘nope’ per response!”

“Nope-nope!”

“Oh, fuck it,” he muttered. “I don’t even care anymore. Just tell me how I wake up?”

“By realizing you’re asleep, silly.”

“Call me silly again, and I shall fry you and eat you for dinner.”

“Sehn’s mean!”

Sehn forced himself not to smile. “Thank you. But flattery will get you nowhere with me, my minion.”

“My name’s Estelle. Eh-ss-tell! And that wasn’t a compliment, either.”

“What?” Sehn shouted. “It wasn’t? How dare you not compliment me, you cute little butterfly!”

“
Kyahh
! Thank you,” she chirped. He could feel her dancing on his head.

“And
that
was not a compliment, either! What kind of fool takes being called a cute butterfly as a compliment?”

“What kind of meanie takes being called mean as a compliment? We’ll just have to agree to have our own opinions, hmph!”

“Absolutely not. I refuse.”

“You can’t refuse, ‘
cause
I already have my own thoughts.”

“Then they shall be replaced with mine.”

“No!”

“What do you mean, no? How dare you refuse me? You are
my
summon
.”

“So?”

“So…you have to…gah! Forget it. Just tell me how to wake up.”

“Haven’t you ever done that before?”

“Done what?”

“Wake up from being asleep.”

“Of course I have.”

“So, do it again.”

“Fool! You act like it’s so—”

Sehn’s eyes popped open. Two thoughts hit him at once: the first was a silent prayer of thanks to Goddess Helena that this whole bit of nonsense was all just a dream. Not even a dream: a nightmare. Sehn would be sure to punish his brain later for having imagined all of that. The second thought was more a realization of disappointment that he was still in the crimson desert. The only sight that filled his eyes was a red, starless sky. He could feel the cool sand on his back.