Quitting (previously published as Mastering the Art of Quitting)

 

Quitting

 

Quitting

Why We Fear It—and Why We Shouldn't—
in Life, Love, and Work

 

 

Peg Streep
and
Alan B. Bernstein, LCSW

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

 

Copyright © 2014 by Peg Streep and Alan B. Bernstein

 

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America. For information, address Da Capo Press, 44 Farnsworth Street, 3rd Floor, Boston, MA 02210.

 

Designed by Jack Lenzo

Set in 11 point Garamond by the Perseus Books Group

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Streep, Peg.

Mastering the art of quitting : why it matters in life, love, and work / Peg Streep and Alan B. Bernstein. -- First Da Capo Press edition.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-0-7382-1855-7 (e-book) 1. Failure (Psychology) 2. Motivation (Psychology) 3. Perseverance (Ethics) 4. Change (Psychology) I. Bernstein, Alan B. II. Title.

BF575.F14S775 2013

158--dc23

2013022265

 

First Da Capo Press edition 2014

Originally published as
Mastering the Art of Quitting: Why It Matters in Life, Love, and Work

First paperback edition 2015

Published by Da Capo Press

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

www.dacapopress.com

 

Note: The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. This book is intended only as an informative guide for those wishing to improve their personal or professional lives through better mental and psychological health. In no way is this book intended to replace, countermand, or conflict with the advice given to you by a therapist, life coach, or health professional. The ultimate decision concerning care should be made between you and your own team of support. We strongly recommend you follow your own counselor's or support team's advice. Information in this book is general and is offered with no guarantees on the part of the authors or Da Capo Press. The authors and publisher disclaim all liability in connection with the use of this book. The names and identifying details of people associated with events described in this book have been changed. Any similarity to actual persons is coincidental.

 

Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA, 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail
[email protected]
.

 

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

 

For Alexandra Israel, best daughter

 

Contents

Introduction
:
The Myth of the Little Engine

Chapter One:
The Psychology of Persistence

Chapter Two
:
Unsuccessful Quitting

Chapter Three
:
Quitting As an Art

Chapter Four
:
A Talent for Quitting

Chapter Five
:
Managing Thoughts and Emotions

Chapter Six
:
Taking Stock

Chapter Seven
:
Mapping Your Goals

Chapter Eight
:
How to Quit Well

Chapter Nine
:
Resetting Your Inner Compass

Afterword
:
The Wisdom of Quitting

 

Acknowledgments

Notes

Bibliography

Index

 

Introduction

The Myth of the Little Engine

The premise of
Quitting
flies in the face of conventional wisdom because American mythology doesn't have room for quitters. In fact, the only kind of giving up we collectively accept and support is quitting a bad habit like smoking or drinking. This book isn't about that.

Quitting
proposes that the ability to quit has a place alongside persistence and optimism and that its presence is necessary as a balance to both of those characteristics. Cultivating the ability to quit is especially important because, as we'll show, human beings are actually hardwired to persist, even when a goal is unreachable. Quitting not only frees us from the hopeless pursuit of the unattainable but permits us to commit to new and more satisfying goals. Learning how to quit is an important, conscious counterbalance to the built-in habits of mind, many of which are unconscious, which keep us committed to a path we would be better off abandoning.

Quitting isn't an end in and of itself. It's the necessary first step to rebooting and redefining your goals, and what you want from life.

We hope that this book will both help change individual attitudes toward quitting and provide a blueprint for those who need help either letting go of an unattainable goal or revising one that is no longer satisfying. The book presents a necessary corrective to a culture that only trumpets the virtue of staying the course.

The Balancing Act

As children, we fall asleep to the rhythms of the Little Engine's “I think I can, I think I can,” which teaches us that both persistence and the power of positive thinking are the keys to success. From the get-go, we learn that “winners never quit and quitters never win,” along with dozens of other sayings that make it clear that we must hang in and soldier on.

The emphasis put on persistence is part of American mythology, perhaps because the founding of this country demanded it—surviving the first harsh winters in New England, forging west over treacherous and sometimes hostile terrain, having the gumption to set out for thousands of miles and stick it out. Tenacity provides the backbone for the American Dream—whether it's the rags-to-riches climb, the come-from-behind victory, or a variant of Rocky the fighter facing down the odds.

Seeing persistence as the key to success is also democratic. If hanging in there is what's required, then all the other characteristics and advantages one person might have over another—education, class, privilege—are taken off the table.

Where the ancient Greeks saw Sisyphus, Americans see a potential hero in the making.

The Little Engine and its grownup counterparts dominate the collective thinking so completely that we like our success stories mixed with at least a dash of failure and preferably a pinch of impossible odds so that in the telling, persistence comes to the fore. Would we admire Thomas Edison's invention of the light bulb as much if he'd succeeded on the first try? The answer is that we wouldn't because we admire people who come from behind, as witnessed by twenty-five years of Oprah, not to mention innumerable news stories, books, and movies. Persistence makes heroes of animals too—think of Seabiscuit, or the occasional dog or cat that travels a thousand miles to find its way home.

In all of its iterations, the resolve-equals-success formula spawns other cultural tropes, not the least of which is that failure followed by renewed effort is intrinsic to success. It's not a surprise that the
YouTube video “Famous Failures” has been watched millions of times and reposted on Web sites all over the Internet. Its message? If you haven't failed, you haven't lived.

It's a comforting thought. We put on these stories like a fighter's cape—Stephen King's thirty rejections and four unpublished novels, Steve Jobs's failed Next computer, and many others like them—when we set new goals for ourselves. We tell ourselves that the cultural hum in our heads—the mantra of “I think I can” combined with a chorus of “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again”—will see us through.

Our belief in the value of persistence colors the way we tell our own stories and the lessons we take away from the stories we're told. This belief is so interwoven into our way of looking at life that it's hard to see it any other way.

There's only one problem. No matter how many times we watch Rocky bound up those steps, persistence alone isn't a surefire formula for success. In fact, our reliance on tenacity narrows our field of vision in important ways because our brains are already wired to support it. In addition, each of us has innate habits of mind that steer us toward commitment and away from quitting, regardless of how remote the possibility of success.

Because our minds are geared to keep us going, when we think about the probability of achieving a goal, we're likely to err on the side of optimistic, even wishful thinking. As a result, we're not very good at judging whether a goal is actually attainable. That's not even the whole story. When a goal we've already achieved is no longer making us happy, both our habits of mind and the onus on quitting will get in the way of moving on with our lives and setting new goals. Persistence trips us up because when we do fail to reach a goal, we often don't give it up completely. Our persistence prevents us from moving on and setting new goals.

The ability to quit fully is as valuable a tool to living well as is persistence.

Accepting the value of quitting sounds weird, counterintuitive, boneheaded, and maybe subversive. We've all been taught that quitting is a sign of weakness and that quitters are losers.

But here it is in a nutshell: Successful and satisfied people know
both
how to persist
and
how to quit. Winners do quit but not in ways you think, and when they do, it's with authority and intelligence.

Despite the cultural folklore, knowing how and when to quit is an important life skill—not a shameful last resort, as the culture dictates. Considering quitting yields a different perspective, one that is missing from what we've been taught and what we teach our children. It adds an important corrective to the way the human brain works, which is a deck already stacked on the side of persistence. Understanding why it is hard to quit artfully can give us insight into how much of our decision making is literally unconscious and what we can do to make it more conscious.

This book is based in science—what psychologists and researchers know about human behavior and motivation, and what scientists know about the brain. It looks at quitting as art that can be mastered and will help you understand how developing your ability to quit in balance with your ability to persist will make you happier and more satisfied with the decisions you've made. It will get you unstuck when you're stuck and help you move on in life. The only way to set new goals and open up new possibilities is to let go of old goals entirely.

The following simple observations apply to goals in all areas of life, including love, relationship, and work:

• •
  People who ultimately reach their goals have to do more than learn from their failures. They have to give up on their failed goals fully and completely.
  
• •
  Quitting frees the mind and spirit, and it's the act of quitting that permits growth and learning and promotes the ability to frame new goals. Failing without quitting diminishes the self and often incapacitates our ability to act. Without the ability to give up, most people will end up in a discouraging loop.
  
• •
  The most satisfied people have the ability both to persist and to quit. They know when it's time to stop persisting and start
  quitting. And vice versa. When they quit, they really quit. Then they shift gears, set a new goal, and start persisting all over again. They don't look back.
  
• •
  Some people are naturally better at both persisting and quitting. While that's not as democratic as believing in doggedness, the good news is that anyone can master the art of quitting.
  
• •
  Quitting is a healthy, adaptive response when a goal can't be reached or what appeared to be a life path turns out to be a blind alley or when life otherwise throws you a curve ball. Simply putting quitting on the table—seeing it as a possible plan of action—is a helpful corrective to the tunnel vision persistence often creates and a necessary first step to changing your perspective.
  
• •
  To succeed, you need the ability to persist balanced by the ability to quit.
  

The psychological term for what we're talking about is
goal disengagement
, which is a series of interrelated steps, not a one-shot thing. What disengagement means and why it matters—how people who can quit are actually happier and more satisfied with their lives than people who can't—has been the focus of extensive research, most of which has been limited to academic circles. The well-being people feel is more literal than not; research has shown that being unable to disengage from an unattainable goal can actually make you sick.

Disengagement isn't the quitting associated with the off-the cuff, “screw you,” slamming-of-the door kind, but is something else entirely. It's not the act of a coward or someone who doesn't have the energy to stick it out.

This book is a guide to the kind of disengagement that is mindful and intelligent and that takes place on all levels of the person. It alters how you think, feel, and behave. Done right, quitting will motivate you to set new goals and consider new possibilities.