Radio Gaga (8 page)

I don’t know what I expected. It was strange. I heard her voice, gentle and soothing over the rhythmic ticking of the metronome. Time seemed to pass quickly. One minute I had promised her the entire balance of my current account and made myself comfy on the couch. The next I came around to find Dr Setti sitting back at her desk scribbling away in her notes.

“You are feeling all right?” She smiled at me.

“Yes, I think so.” I felt a little dazed as if I’d had a nap but apart from that I was fine. I couldn’t see how this was supposed to help me with my snake-o-phobia though.

“You will come again tomorrow, the same time and we will have another session.”

It wasn’t a question, more of a command. I sincerely hoped this treatment would do the trick.

I paid Dr Setti and stumbled back through into the reception area where a tired looking woman was now sitting knitting something shapeless in bright purple wool. By the time I emerged
blinking
into the sunlight on the street I had started to wonder if I’d been conned. I also discovered when I turned my phone back on, that I’d had three irate messages from Merv demanding to know my whereabouts.

It was late when I left the radio station. Merv hadn’t been impressed by my bunking off to see Dr Setti even when I’d tried to explain that it was a vital part of my preparations for Friday. There was only my car, Tracey’s and Country Clare’s in the car park.

A flash of red caught my eye as I unlocked my car door. Someone had left a red rose under the wiper on my windscreen. I looked around but couldn’t see
anyone,
there was no note, nothing. I wondered if the mystery Romeo had left it on the right car. Country Clare was a very attractive girl apart from her penchant for fringed leather and cowboy boots.

I toyed with the idea of nipping back into work to see if Tracey had seen anyone messing with my car but as I’d parked right at the far end she’d probably have needed binoculars. Maybe I had a fan. I placed the rose carefully on my passenger seat and set off for home.

The unexpected gift lifted my spirits and my mood was quite high as I walked into my flat. The good feeling dispersed rapidly as the scent of paint met me in the hallway. My mother had been busy again. I pushed open the door to the lounge and wished I’d picked up my sunglasses from the car. My lovely, if slightly grubby magnolia walls were now brilliant white. If anyone stayed in there too long they would get snow blindness.

Mum couldn’t have heard me come home. She had her back to me, her mobile pressed against her ear. “I don’t know Angus. I may have to stay with Chloe for a little longer, she’s very fragile you know.”

I know I shouldn’t have listened to a private conversation. I should have coughed or discreetly withdrawn but I didn’t. I remained rooted to the spot with curiosity and indignation wondering who the hell Angus was and why my mother had told him that I was fragile.

“Darling, I promise I’ll be back as soon as it’s safe to leave her. I’ll be home soon, I promise.
There’s simply heaps
to do before the wedding. Love you.” She finished her call by making little kissy noises down the phone.

That in itself was unbelievable. My mother is not demonstrative at all. She doesn’t do physical hugs or kisses. Even when I was small, a peck on the cheek or a pat on the head would be as far as she would go. Even as I thought I should move before she discovered me standing there like a jug eared pot plant, she turned around and caught me.

The smile faded from her lips and a crease appeared between her brows. “I didn’t hear you come in, Chloe Louise Lark.”

Uh ho, my full name, this was bad. “I just got home.”

She hitched her shoulders back and pursed her lips. “And how long were you standing there eavesdropping?”

There was no point denying anything. I might has well have had guilty tattooed on my forehead.

“Not long. I heard my name as I opened the door. Who’s Angus?”

Colour washed along my mother’s cheeks like a scarlet tide. “He’s, um, my new co-director at the project.”

“And so why were you discussing me with him? I heard my name, and did you mention a wedding?” I wasn’t expecting her to answer. There was no reason why she should. After all it had been a private conversation and I’d had no business eavesdropping.

I wracked my brain trying to recall any previous mention of someone called Angus. I was pretty sure I hadn’t met anyone of that name when I’d last paid a duty visit to my mother’s project.

She sank down on the sofa, perching delicately on the edge of the faded cushions, which now looked even dingier in my newly painted flat.

“I didn’t want to tell you like this, Chloe. Especially after all the problems you’ve had recently, with Neil leaving you and then that unfortunate business with Michelle’s tablets.” She paused and took a deep breath before plunging on. “Angus and I are getting married.”

Now it was my turn to sit down. “Married?
To this Angus?
You’ve never even mentioned him before.”

She’d been staying with me for days and not once had she thought to say, ‘oh by the way, Chloe, I’ve met someone and you’re going to have a step-dad.’ She’d never even mentioned him during our weekly duty phone calls, not once, not even in passing.

“Who is he? How long have you known him? When were you going to tell me?
On the morning of the wedding?”
Questions poured out me.

“I intended to talk to you about Angus whilst I was here, once I was sure you’d recovered from the overdose.” She smoothed the hem of her skirt across her knees.

I don’t know why I was so shocked by her news. My mother is still young, attractive, she had a good divorce settlement from Dad and she earns a nice salary from her work at the charity. If she were anyone else, I'd have said she was a "good catch."

It all seemed out of character. She’d always appeared happy with her single life. She’d never mentioned dating or wanting to date and she and Dad had been divorced for over ten years now.

“Well who is he?”

Instead of answering straight away she stood and picked up her bag from the side of the sofa. She fumbled in the side pocket and pulled out a small picture.

“This is Angus.”

I stared at the photo. An older man with dark hair and a beard had his arm around my mother. It had clearly been taken at the project. I recognised the background. Mum looked happy, they both did. It was weird. I couldn’t ever remember Mum looking like that.

“Where and when did you meet him?” I passed the picture back and she touched the corner tenderly before replacing it carefully in the side pocket of her bag.

“About nine months ago. We met at work. He was appointed into the assistant director post and it threw us together. As time went on we became friends and it grew into something deeper.” Her expression softened.

“And yet you never thought to mention him?”

She spent enough time interrogating me over my love life. How come I didn’t know anything about hers? Getting engaged and planning a wedding was a pretty big deal.

“I thought you might be upset. There’s a lot of literature about the effects of divorce on teenage children and you were at a very vulnerable age when your father and I divorced.”

I tried not to roll my eyes. “That was ten years ago. Daddy has someone new. Why would I be upset?”

“The bond is different between mothers and daughters. I often wonder if I’m to blame for the difficulties in your life, Chloe. Or if your father and I divorcing may have contributed to your failure to build a career and to keep a relationship.”

Oh dear Lord, give me strength. I’d always known she was disappointed in me but she’d never actually called me a failure to my face before. A headache throbbed in the corner of my left temple.

“Mum, if Angus makes you happy then I’m thrilled for you. You certainly didn’t need to keep him a secret.”

She did actually look a little shame-faced. “I fully intended to tell you while I was here. I simply wanted to pick the best time.”

“When are you planning to get married?” My mind was in a complete whirl. I wasn’t ready to tackle that whole ‘failure’ thing. That would have to keep for another day when I’d had chance to process my feelings.

Her face lit up. “Early September. Angus is a divorcee like me. His daughter lives in
Canada
and she’s coming over with her family this summer for a visit so it would be the ideal time.”

Great, Angus’s daughter was obviously in on the wedding plans. It was me that had been left in the dark. I supposed when Angus married my mother this girl would become my step-sister. I wouldn’t be an only child any more. When I was young I’d often wished for a sister. I’d even tried to get my Mum to adopt Shelly.

“Her family?
Is she married?” I hoped she was nice.

“Yes, Sandy and her husband, he’s a stockbroker, have two gorgeous little boys. I’m gaining a husband and becoming a granny all at the same time.” She didn’t look as if she was too sure about the last part.

“Wow.” I needed a drink. My day had gone from surreal to completely down the rabbit-hole and out into Crazyland. I couldn’t help noticing the tiny dig about my prospective stepsister’s husband’s job.

Mum frowned. “You are okay with this, aren’t you Chloe?”

I forced a smile. “Of course, it’s a lot to take in out of the blue like this, that’s all.”

“
Sandy
is such a lovely girl. She has her own column in How to be a Homemaker magazine and is home educating her children.”

Perfect, just perfect.
Mum was about to gain a model daughter after all. “It’s great. Mum.”

She didn’t appear very convinced. I had a feeling she would probably start hiding the Aspirin again in case her news had sent me over the edge.

“Angus and I would love you to be a matron of honour.
Sandy
will be the other matron of honour and her little boys will be pages. Angus is going to wear his kilt.”

It sounded as if the wedding was already well planned with everyone allocated roles.
Typical Mum, in fact.
In a minute she’d be telling me that Sandy and I would be in tartan too with heather in our hair.

All of this had been happening and I hadn’t known anything.
Amazing.

“Chloe?”

I suddenly realised she was still waiting for me to answer.

“I don’t know, Mum. I’m sure it’ll be lovely. It’s all a bit much for me right now.” I needed to get out of the flat, to have time to think. I wasn’t ready to take up my place in a tartan frock and stand next to a load of strangers at some Highland-themed wedding.
At least not yet.

Disappointment tinged with hurt showed in her eyes as I jumped to my feet.

“I’m sorry Mum. I have to go out for a while. I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

I grabbed my car keys and headed for the door. She was still calling after me as I scrambled into my car and shot off the drive in a cloud of dust. I had no idea where I was going. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Mum to remarry. If this Angus bloke was okay then I was pleased for her, I really was.

For one thing, she’d be out of my hair for a while as she’d have her own stuff to worry about instead of her worrying over me. I suppose if anything I was hurt that I was the last person to know. That she’d planned it all behind my back with this
Sandy
, my soon-to-be step-sister. Even worse, it hurt that the reason she hadn’t told me was because she considered me a disappointment and a failure.

Glancing at a road sign I realised I’d headed for Shelly’s house. A beep from a car horn behind me reminded me that the lights had changed and I needed to move. I resisted the urge to give the driver behind me the finger when he pipped again. Slipping my car into gear I decided I needed to talk to Shelly. She could give me some perspective. At the very least she was bound to have some chocolate and alcohol at her house. Right now I needed both.

By the time the last note of Shelly’s
Westminster
chimes doorbell had died away tears were pouring down my cheeks. I tried to swallow the big noisy sobs that kept threatening to escape from my throat while I waited for her to come to the door.

Shelly took one look at my face and dragged me into the hall.
“Clo?
What’s wrong?”

The awful thing was
,
I didn’t know exactly what had set me off. I’d been angry that Mum hadn’t confided in me about Angus but I hadn’t been tearful. Then when I’d arrived at Shelly’s house everything that Mum had said to me hit me like a huge emotional sledgehammer. Shelly plonked me down on the sofa in her lounge and switched off her workout DVD.

She fetched a big block of Green and Blacks from the kitchen and broke us both a chunk off while I gulped out the whole sorry story.

“And she’s been planning her wedding and everything?
With this bloke, Angus’s daughter instead of with you?”
Shelly shook her head looking bewildered. “I mean, I know you two aren’t close but not to even say anything…”

“Where’s your Mum tonight?” I suddenly realised the house was quiet. Shelly’s Mum was usually bustling around, singing, moving ornaments, looking for her knitting and talking non-stop to Shelly.

“Taken
Nan
to the bingo.”

“Oh.”

Shelly popped a chunk of chocolate into her mouth.

“Should you be eating that? I don’t remember chocolate being on Fat Clubs list of approved foods.”

“Sugar, it’s good for shock.”

I decided not to remind Shelly that it was me who’d had the shock. Besides, with the crying jag over and the lovely sticky gooiness of chocolate on my tongue I’d started to feel a whole lot better.

“What do you think I should do? I mean I don’t know if I want to be her bridesmaid or maid of honour or whatever.”

Shelly sighed. “I know how you must feel, but she’s still your mum. I don’t think you have much choice.”

I blew my nose on a tissue. “You’re right. It just sucks, that’s all.”

“Did I tell you I think I’ve cracked what that fortune teller predicted for me?” Shelly broke another square from the chocolate block.

“No.”

“I had a sudden flash of inspiration. After I left you to go back to work, I was about to go into the office when I glanced out of the window and saw a traffic warden ticketing old poker face Grimley’s car.”

“And?”
I wasn’t following.

“Uniforms!
The blue thing is uniforms. Firemen, policemen…” She popped the chocolate into her mouth, a dreamy expression on her face.

“Supermarket shelf stackers.”

The chocolate in her mouth meant her protest came out rather mumbled.

“At least I’m doing something about my love life.”

That was true. Apart from having lustful thoughts about Ben every time I ran into him, my love life was as extinct as the Dodo bird. “I’m not sure I’m ready for anything yet.”

“Oh sure.
If Ben came knocking your bed would be rocking.”

We both burst out laughing. The fortune teller had been right about my life being turned upside down but I didn’t mention that to Shelly.

“I’m seeing Dr Setti again tomorrow.”

Shelly swallowed and licked her lips, leaving a tiny brown smear in the corner of her mouth.
“The hypnotherapist?
Was she good then? Do you think it’ll work?”

“Dunno
,
I have to give it a try though.”

“What was it like? Do you remember anything?”

I told her what bits I could recall of the actual session. “If it stops the zoo thing from being a total disaster and means I don’t make a fool of myself in front of millions then it’ll be worth every penny.”

“You’ll be fab. The hunky Ben can always rescue you if the tarantulas get loose or something.” She grinned and picked up the last piece of chocolate from the wrapper.

I didn’t want to think about spiders roaming freely. My sessions with Dr Setti were concentrating firmly on snakes. I didn’t want to think too much about Ben being there either. I still had to contact him about taking pictures of me and Fred for the Gazette.

“It’s going to be hard to look fabulous in one of Live it Up’s sweatshirts.”

Shelly looked disconsolately at the empty chocolate wrapper. “At least it saves you from worrying about finding an outfit and you have a good bum so you can rock it with your skinny jeans.”

“Thanks.” My bum was probably my best feature although I doubted they would be filming me from the rear.

“You are so lucky. I wish I had your figure.” Shelly smoothed her tee shirt over her tummy with a heavy sigh. I always thought she looked great; she certainly didn’t need Fat Club. Hopefully I said all the right things and I decided not to mention that she’d eaten most of the chocolate.

Mum was waiting up for me when I arrived back at the flat. I’d let myself in quietly, hoping she’d gone to bed. I should have known better.

“Chloe?”
She opened the door of the lounge as I was tiptoeing past to get to my bedroom. “I tried calling your mobile; I didn’t know where you’d gone.”

Busted.
I’d turned my phone off when I’d stormed out of the flat. “I went to Shelly’s. I needed some space.”

“I was
worried,
I didn’t mean you to be hurt. It would be nice if you met Angus and his daughter.” She twisted her hands together, fiddling with the delicate gold bracelet of her watch strap.

The lamplight spilling through the lounge doorway highlighted the fine lines around her eyes and mouth. For perhaps the first time in years I felt as if I was seeing my mother.
Seeing her properly, as a person, not just the woman who drove me crazy by interfering in my life.
She looked old.

“I’m okay – really. I’m sure we’ll all get on very well together.” Guilt hit me for having gone off without letting her know where I’d gone.

She scrutinised my face as if she wasn’t sure if she believed me.

“I’m going straight to bed. I’ve an early appointment in the morning.” I had to be at the studio on time for once if I was going to get everything done ready for Friday. Plus I had to squeeze in my second appointment with Dr Setti.

“Perhaps we could go out for dinner tomorrow night, my treat?”

Her suggestion took me by surprise. Normally, when she stayed with me she spent all her time cleaning and reorganising my flat and trying to persuade me to eat some kind of macrobiotic or whole food diet. We never went out to eat.

“Why not?
Sounds nice.”
It had to be better than staying in. Maybe holding awkward conversations over dinner would be easier in a different environment.

I’d been in bed for an hour tossing and turning and unable to sleep with a nagging headache in my right temple. After staring at the ceiling for a few minutes longer I knew I had to give in and take something or I would never get any sleep. There were some Paracetamol tablets hidden away at the back of the cutlery drawer in the kitchen, if Mum hadn’t found and removed them.

Fortunately they were still in the drawer under the soup spoons, although God knows how long they’d been there. I filled a glass with water and stood at the sink to gulp them down. Two dirty cups stood on the drainer. One had Mum’s dark red lip print on the top but the other showed a smear of bubblegum pink lip gloss. It wasn’t mine, I didn’t wear that shade. Mum must have had company last night after I’d gone and the only person I could think of who did wear pink gloss was Ben’s sister, Natasha.

* * *

I woke early the next morning with a chocolate hangover. The tablets hadn’t helped much and the morning sunlight hurt my eyes as I let myself quietly out of the house ready to head into work.

To my surprise Ben was on his way into the house. He looked as rough as I felt. Dark smudges of fatigue lay under his eyes and his expression was forbidding as he jogged towards me. He must have been out for a morning run, his grey tee shirt was marked with sweat and his trainers and track bottoms were spattered with red mud as if he’d been pounding the track down by the river.

“Morning.”

He slowed to a halt and tugged out the ear bud from his MP3 player before bracing his hands against his hips to steady his breath. “You’re out early?”

“Got to get to the studio to prep everything for tomorrow.
Have you had a good run?”

He didn’t have the air of a man who’d been running for pleasure, tension emanated from his body in the rigid line of his shoulders and the immobility of his jaw line.

“Not bad.”

“I met your sister yesterday, she said she intended staying with you for a while.”

A shadow flitted across his face. “Yes, Tash told me. She went down to your flat last night.” His eyes locked on to mine.

“I was out. I think she must have been chatting to Mum.” I’d been right about the pink lip gloss.

“Tash has had a few problems over the last year or so.” He paused as if unsure of how much he should say.

“She mentioned.” I guessed he wondered how much he should tell me or how much I knew already.

“It would be nice if she had a friend.”

“She’s welcome to drop by anytime.” My heart rate picked up. Ben wanted me to be his sister’s friend. Perhaps he didn’t think I was a complete loser after all.

“Thanks, she’s still vulnerable, so…”

“It’s okay.” I didn’t wait for him to expand, I sensed the whole asking a favour from me was proving a touch tricky and although I am ultra nosy, I can be tactful sometimes.

He gave me a small smile. “Have you set up when you’ll be doing some things on the allotment, so I can take some pictures for the garden column?”

His sudden change of subject caught me on the hop. I’d been allowing myself a pleasant little daydream of Ben thanking me for helping Tash and rewarding me with a kiss.
A very long and lovely kiss that would lead to other things.
The mention of the allotments bought me crashing back to reality.

“Saturday morning. I believe I’m digging manure into the soil.” I tried to sound dignified. It would be too much of a stretch to pretend that was how I would love to spend my precious days off. Forking horse-shit into heavy clay mud must be every girl's dream, lucky me.

Ben’s face creased into a smile. “Great. I’ll get the time from you tomorrow.”

I knew he was laughing at me. “You could always give me a hand with the shovel.”

“I’m sure the Gazette’s readers will enjoy seeing your endeavours. Are you all ready for the filming tomorrow?” His eyes twinkled with amusement.

“More or less.”
It wasn’t a fib. I had two more sessions with Doctor Setti and I didn’t think I’d have to handle the snakes or reptiles at the zoo for long. The filming should be quite short. I could get enough on the audio capture to satisfy Steph’s audience with my gasps and descriptions of handling the animals. With Ben snapping a couple of shots the whole experience should go off quite quickly and then I could go and have my nervous breakdown in a nice quiet corner someplace.

“Nervous?” He asked.

I tried to look cool.

He laughed out loud. I suppose that’s the penalty of having an expressive face. My true feelings about the Challenge Chloe zoo adventure must have been obvious.

“A little.
It’ll be okay. I tried out for Blue Peter once, you know.”

A small snort of laughter escaped him and I could tell he was biting the inside of his cheek in an attempt to keep the rest of his mirth contained. I would have been offended if he didn’t look so gorgeous when he smiled.

“I suppose it wouldn’t be much of a challenge for you if they picked things you liked or didn’t mind doing.”

“No, I suppose it wouldn’t.” I hadn’t thought much about that. I could be so dumb sometimes. I should have given Merv a list of things I dreaded or feared and then maybe he would have put some things I liked on the list of challenges.

“I’d better hit the shower before Tash wakes up and hogs the bathroom.” He took a step closer ready to pass me on the step.

My pulse kicked up a notch at his proximity. “I suppose I’ll see you at the zoo tomorrow?”

He grinned. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

The glint in his eyes teased me into smiling back. I went to walk over to my car.

“Oh, and Chloe.”

I paused and turned my head.

His lips brushed my cheek and I caught the faint scent of clean male sweat and fabric softener from his tee shirt. “I think you’re pretty brave to take on these challenges.”

My body heated at the brief unexpected contact but before I could reply, he’d gone inside the house leaving me staring after him like an idiot.