Raging Love (23 page)

“Are you happy Colt? Are you upset things changed between us? I mean, not just with Noah. With the baby we lost too.”

She turned her body to face me and I cupped my hands around her face, letting my forehead press against hers. “Darlin’
I couldn’t be more happier than
I am right now, aside from havin’ another child, there is nothin’ else I could ever need. You have no idea how much I appreciate you bein’ that boy’s mother. Steppin’ up like that made me love you even more Savanna.”

It was the truth too. She didn’t even realize how amazing she was.

“When he came into our lives so suddenly, I was so unsure of myself. I think I was afraid to love another child, but I fell so in love with him. I couldn’t help it. Now, I can’t imagine not being his mother. He makes me so happy.”

Her words were beautiful and she meant every single word. She had been there when he got his first cold after he
had
moved in with us. I was all panicking and she instinctively knew exactly what to do. She stayed in his
room with him, went out a
nd
got him a vaporizer, took him to the doctors, made sure he took his medicine right on schedule. She went into this Mom machine mode and in some ways never came out of it. Noah was always her first priority and I loved that about her.

“You make him happy. That kid lost everything and you welc
omed him into our family, makin’
it so easy for him to transition. You keep the memory of his mother alive
and have never been negative towards the whole situation. Do you have any idea how amazin’ you are?”

She shrugged. “It never hurts to hear it over and over again,” she teased.

“Well if I need to remind you every single day, I will.”

She wrapped both of her legs over top of mine, almost
straddling
me. Her head went into my chest. “What happens if we can’t get pregnant again? What if I can’t give you another child?”

“I have to believe that God won’t do that to us. Darlin’ you have been through so much hardship. You have proven to be an amazin’ mother. We will have another baby. It may take a while, but
I’m
never
goin
’ to go anywhere. If it
doesn’t
happen than we
will spoil the hell out of our s
on and
be the best parents to him that we can be. Don’t even get yourself worried about that.”

“I would never want to replace Noah, but I just want to be able to give you a child too. I want Noah to have a brother or sister one day. I dream
about
him talking to my belly. It’s beautiful Colt.”

Her words were so sincere. I wish
ed
I could have told her without a doubt that we were going to have more children, but the truth was we just didn’t know.

“Let’s take our life day by day Savanna. Maybe if we don’t think about it so much good things will happen.”

We laid there together in front of the fire until I carried Savanna’s sleeping body to bed.

Since Savanna always was the one to take care of our family, I woke up early and made her breakfast. After we ate, we spent the morning in the Jacuzzi tub. We had connected on a deeper level than ever before and I felt so close to her.

We finally left the cabin to explore the lake. I rowed a tiny boat out to the middle of the lake and we had lunch
out there all alone
.  Savanna seemed
so relaxed and I could tell she was really enjoying our time away. I couldn’t help but miss Noah. For mo
n
ths we had spent every single minute with him. It was hard to not look over my shoulder for him every once in a while.

“What are you thinking about?” She
asked
.

“I kinda miss Noah, I mean don’t get me wrong,
I’m
havin
’ a great weekend bein’ here alone with my wife, but I can’t stop thinkin’ about him.”

She started laughing and shook her head.

“What?” I asked.

“It’s just funny, because I feel the same way. I feel lost without him.”

“Well, we can see him tomorrow. It isn’t like we are away for a whole week.” I explained.

“Or, we can go home tonight and surprise him.”

I wondered if she was joking until I saw the excitement in her eyes. “You seriously would rather go home than spend one more night alone with me?”

She climbed toward me, causing the boat to rock. “
I would love to spend one more night with you, but I also wouldn’t mind going home to be with Noah.”

She climbed on my lap, giving me kisses slowly all over my face. “If you keep kissin’ me, I won’t be able to make a rational decision.”

As much as we missed Noah, Savanna and I decided to stay one more night at the cabin. We owed it to ourselves to enjoy our weekend away together. Although, when Sunday came we packed up the car and headed home. I guess we expected Noah to be all bent out of shape over us leaving. Instead, he was too preoccupied by a remote control plane my mother had purchase
d him. He and Conner were
too busy flying it to even notice us pull up to see him.

Once he got the plane landed safely, he basically told us that Conner would bring him home when they were done, at a later time.

Savanna and I sadly got back into the car and drove to the house without Noah. It was
great that he was spending
time with his family
,
and that they all loved him so much, but I wasn’t su
re I liked sharing him
.

Conner finally brought Noah home after a couple of hours. He was only excited to see us for the first ten minutes and then he was off to watch television like we had never gone anywhere.

“Guess he didn’t miss us.” I reached around and hugged Savanna from behind.

“Guess not.”

We both laughed.

Chapter 18

Savanna

Our weekend away was wonderful and Colt and I seemed to both enjoy ourselves equally. We needed to get away, even though I missed Noah like crazy. That little guy had been exactly what I needed to turn my life around and get out of the depressed stupor I had been living under. Every single day with him made me so happy.

I loved being a mother. I always knew I would, but actually being one was just unexplainable. It didn’t hurt that Noah was the cutest kid ever. He looked so much like his daddy and I got such a kick out of watching them interact.

Colt didn’t dredge up the past very often. I know it hurt him to not know about Noah and experience everything in the first years that he missed out on, but he pushed past it. With Krista losing her life, we were Noah’s only parents and with that meant that we would experience his life in
its
entirety, where she only got the first three years. Some days it really made me sad that she
couldn’t
be in his life to see what a perfect son she had.

I didn’t know much about Krista, except for the fact that she came from nothing and she had a brother that was in some band now. Her father
was a deadbeat and now lived in a nursing home. Apparently, her fiancée got them out of the trailer they were living in and
offered them a much better future. Even though sh
e never told Colt about Noah, the little boy
knew about his father. Noah told Colt, more than once, that his mother always said one day he would meet him.

When Colt went
to
talk to her father at that nursing home, he explained that the longer Krista waited, the harder it got for her to do it. He explained that Krista’s fiancée had always wanted to adopt Noah, but sin
c
e Colt was on the birth certificate, she wouldn’t be able to do it without his signature. I guess she knew that when Colt found out he had a child, there would be no way in Hell he would sign him over.

I was always taught in church that everything happens for a reason. The past few years had proven that theory time and time again. Noah was my angel and I fell instantly in love with him. Being his mother was the easiest decision that I ever made. We couldn’t wait to make our family even bigger.

Colt and I had left me getting pregnant up to God. I never went back on the pill and just had hopes that one day we could add more babies to our perfect little family. Noah had started to ask if he could have a brother or sister
as well
.

It all started because w
e had put him into T-ball and he was very interested in the siblings of his teammates. One night after a game, we went out for dinner and he flat out asked us what we were waiting for. I started laughing, but Colt was the one to have to explain that babies didn’t exactly get dropped off by a flying bird.

Noah would still ask at least twice a week when his brother would be getting here. Yes, he only wanted a brother.

The day we found out was unexpected.
Our hot weekend of lovemaking must have sealed the deal.

Six months after Noah walked into our life
,
we found ourselves standing over the little white stick again. Noah included.

While Colt and I looked away, our Son, stared at it. “It’s changing! Mom, I think
you have a baby in your belly button
.”

My belly button?

We peeked over to see two blue lines appear on the strip.
“Oh my God! I’m pregnant.”

“So how long
till
it pops out?” Noah asked.

Colt and I couldn’t even celebrate before bursting into laughter. “Nine months Buddy. The baby has to grow first.”

“What? That is like five years from now. I will be all grown up,” he said in a serious tone.

“Sweetie, you are only four and nine months is less than a year. Your brother or sister will be here in less than a year.”

“Just a brother Mommy. It has to be a brother.” Noah put his hand on his hips an
d spoke
.

“
We will love it no matter what.
We have to help take care of Mommy though. Can you help do that Noah?” Colt asked.

“Heck yeah. I will make her
peanut butter bread
.” Noah announced.

Sounds delicious.

Noah stepped down from the step stool we bought him. He followed us into the bedroom. “Will Mommy get fat now?”

Ugh….Kids…

We are having a baby and he wants to know how fat I will get.

After laughing, I sat on the bed and tried to calm down my excitement. “I will get a big belly so the baby has room to grow.”

“Even if y
ou get fat, I will love you
.”

“Well, thank you Noah.”

“Can we name the baby Scooter?”

“Probably not.” I laughed.

“How about Sasquatch? That would be so cool to tell my friends I had a brother named Sasquatch.”

“Noah, I think Mommy and I will name the baby a better name that suits our family.” Colt explained.

“Will it be bald? Bald people are scary.”

I fell back on the bed laughing. I couldn’t hold it in.

Colt tried to stay serious. I watched him clenching his jaw, trying to contain himself. “Bald people are not scary. Every person is different.”

The questions continued for the next few weeks.

We were probably wrong in some ways to include Noah in the early part of our pregnancy, but we never wanted him to feel left out. I got past my
first trimester and was feeling good about carrying the baby to full term. Noah was a good little helper and when he gave me a hard time, Colt was always close e
nough to give me some space
.

It was always important for Noah to know about his birth mother, Krista. I never knew her and therefore had
nothing
against her. What happened to her was so tragic and I hoped that she didn’t suffer. Noah never talked about the accident. The therapist he used to see said that he spoke about it once and didn’t remember much. He thought his mother was just sleeping. How much can a three year old understand?

At any rate, it was also very important to me and Colt that he be included in everything baby related. We decided, well Colt decided
,
he wanted the sex of the baby to be a surprise. Noah was not too thrilled. We took him to our sonograms and he kept trying to sweet talk the nurse into whispering it in his ear.

Of course, Colt’s mother insisted on buying him every kind of ‘big brother’ item she could find. He had about five shirts, including one in
camouflage
, two hats and even
a
sign for his room. We let him be involved in the decorating of the
baby’s
room too. He insisted that we move his playroom to the far end of the hall and give his new brother or sister the room closest to him, because he wanted to help with nighttime feedings. We
knew it wasn’t going to happen
, but he didn’t have to know all that.  So with Noah’s help, we picked out an Americana theme. With the help of Aunt Karen and my mother in law, we were able to decorate every inch of wall space with some kind of red white and blue item. We found a great crib bedding set and ordered all of the furniture.