Rain 01 When It Rains (4 page)

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” I reply, shaking my head.

He sighs, running his hand through his damp hair. “That’s not what I meant.”

I can’t remove my eyes from his as I watch his jaw move back and forth like he’s having an internal debate about what he should say next. I remain still, rolling my lower lip between my teeth as I wait for him to say something.

“Yes, Kate, I’m going to miss you. I’m so damn in love with you, I can barely stand to spend a few hours apart from you, and now we’re going to be miles and hours apart. It sucks. It really fucking sucks,” he says, lowering his voice a little more with each word.

I’m shocked. Completely and utterly shocked. I don’t see how anyone could love me. I’m not pretty. I’m certainly not that fun to be around, and I’ve let go of all my dreams. What is there to love about me?

I remove my eyes from his, watching his Adam’s apple move up and down as he swallows. When I look back up, his eyes are burning into me, and I know he’s waiting for me to react. He just laid his heart out in front of me, and I’m struggling with how I feel about it. This is the moment I dreamt of for years. I was the princess waiting for my prince to come save me from the top of the highest tower. Now, I’m unreachable . . . even for Beau.

I look past him to the line of houses on the other side of the lake in an effort to buy myself a few more seconds. “You’re not in love with me. There’s a difference between being in love and loving someone. I’ll always love you, but I’m not the girl you deserve to be falling in love with. You need someone who can give you everything,” I say, swallowing down the lump in my throat. I’ve waited for Beau Bennett to tell me he loves me for years. He’s just too late.

He moves in closer, grabbing my chin gently between his fingertips. “I love you. I think I’ve loved you since I was five.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” I ask pinching my eyes closed to avoid his.

“Look at me,” he says, frustration laced in his tone. “I’ve wanted to tell you for a very long time, but I didn’t think you were ready to hear it. I’m leaving tomorrow and I couldn’t wait any longer.”

“Beau, I—”

He stops me, putting his finger over my lips. “Don’t say anything yet,” he says, slowly removing his finger. “I can’t leave tomorrow without asking you something. I don’t care about anyone else. I’ve tried for years to get you out of my head because you were supposed to be my best friend, but I can’t do it, Kate. I want you to give me a chance.”

Sadness spills through my chest like a disease. I don’t have a problem pushing people away these days, but the guy standing in front of me isn’t someone I want to lose. That’s exactly what’s going to happen when I tell him the truth.

“I can’t,” I whisper as the first tear rolls down my cheek. I can’t give him something that was already taken from me.

“Why? Please help me understand. You shut everyone out of your life. You haven’t done much of anything in two years. It’s like one day you were happy, carefree Kate, and then the next you were gone. What happened to you? I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me,” he pleads, resting his hands on my shoulders.

He’s asked me this a million different times, and a million different ways, but I can’t tell him the real reason I’m not myself anymore. I never do, and tomorrow he’ll be mad at me for closing up again, and then the next day he’ll start to come around. It’s what we’ve always done, but I know it can’t be this way forever. “It’s just not good timing. You’re leaving tomorrow.”

“If you ask me to stay, I’ll stay,” he says, searching my eyes. I’m always worried that he’ll find the truth buried in there somewhere, but he hasn’t yet. I pray he never will.

I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Beau,” I say, my voice cracking a little more with each word. I step out of his grasp and start walking toward the beach, not looking back.

I hate Drew Heston right now. It took him less than ten minutes to ruin my body, but the emotional scars keep cutting deeper. He took away my hope, my dreams, my future, and I’ll always hate him for it.

I don’t bother drying off before I throw my tank and shorts over my swimsuit. Beau, more than likely, won’t talk to me for the rest of the day. We’ve done this before. I know that he’s going to take a few minutes to calm down before he comes out of the water and then walks to his truck without saying a word. He’ll drive me home with nothing more than a sideways glance.

Only the other times, he hadn’t told me he loved me. I don’t know what this means for us going forward. He’s done the one thing I was afraid to do when I felt the same way a couple years ago, and I’ve done the same thing I feared he would do back then. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about what I’ve done to him. He placed his heart in my hands and I crushed it.

I sit in the truck for several minutes staring out at the water before Beau opens the driver’s door and jumps up into his seat. He turns the key in the ignition and puts the truck in reverse. As predicted, he doesn’t even say a word as he drives back into town and pulls onto our street. The silence is deafening.

When he pulls into his driveway, he puts his truck into park, but doesn’t move to get out. I chance a quick glance to see him staring forward with his jaw clenched. I look away, frustrated with myself for not being able to move forward. I wish there was a way to end the war being fought inside of me right now.

I grab my purse and open the door, carefully stepping down and shutting the door without looking back. I start to walk across his yard to my house when I hear his car door shut. He’s mad which means he’ll probably walk behind his house and lay on top of the old trampoline. If it’s light out, he’ll close his eyes to listen to the sounds that surround him, but if it’s dark, he’ll stare at the stars. He’s been doing it since he was ten.

I’m almost to my front steps when I feel a big hand wrap around my upper arm. I flinch. I have a hard time being touched, but I have an even harder time when I don’t see it coming.

I spin around, ready to battle, but when I see the sad, dark look on his face, I stop. Nothing I can say or do is going to be worse than what I’ve already done today.

“Are you going to come over and say goodbye to me in the morning?” he asks, defeated. I force a slight smile onto my face. He won’t leave tomorrow if he thinks I’m upset with him. Truth is, I’m not upset with him . . . I’m only upset with myself.

“Yes, what time are you leaving?”

“Nine in the morning,” he says, swallowing hard. He’s staring at my lips like he wants to taste them.

Panic grips my chest tight and I can’t pretend anymore. I hate when he looks at me like that. “I’ll come over in the morning,” I say, wiggling from his grasp. I hear him say my name twice before I get in the house, but I don’t turn around. I can’t let him complicate things. My life is already a crazy maze that I can’t find my way out of.

I’m surprised to see my mom sitting in the living room when I open the door. Sometimes I feel like we’re just roommates co-existing in the same space. She works the morning shift at the diner, then comes home to change before working at the local bar and grill in the evening. She rarely has a day off.

She looks up at me, smiling. “Hey, where have you been?”

“I went swimming with Beau. He’s leaving tomorrow,” I say, looking down at my fingernails.

“I still don’t understand why you decided not to go to college. Don’t you at least want to enroll in some classes at the community college? Nurses make really good money, you know.” I hate having this conversation, and I’m certainly not in the mood to have it now. I don’t want to go to college because I don’t want to be around other people my age. Besides, college is for people who know what they want and have dreams for the future.

“I’m just taking this year off. I’ll save some money, and then I can go next year,” I answer, continuing to avoid her eyes. “What are you doing home, anyway? I thought you had to work tonight?”

She looks a little taken back by my question. “I thought you would need me tonight since your best friend is leaving tomorrow.”

I’m surprised that she even remembered to be honest. I usually have to remind her of everything, and I haven’t brought up Beau’s departure once. She seems to know what I’m thinking and points to the calendar next to the computer desk. I’d written down the day he was leaving months ago, silently counting down the days.

I look back at her and relax my shoulders. “Thanks.”

“Do you want to order pizza and watch a movie? Beau can come over if he’s not busy,” she says, patting the spot next to her on the couch.

“I don’t think Beau wants to come over tonight,” I say, sitting down next to her. I can see her staring at me out of the corner of her eye.

“You know, I always thought the two of you would end up together someday,” she says, using her fingertips to move a few pieces of hair out of my eyes.

“He’s just a friend.” I don’t want to talk about Beau and what we have or don’t have. I’ve had enough of that today.

She shakes her head at me and focuses her attention back to the TV. I think my mom has this idea of what real love should be, but I don’t think she’s ever experienced it. She’s dated lots of guys over the years but never stuck with one for long. I don’t even know if her idea of the right guy exists.

“Can we just have ice cream?” I ask, breaking the silence. When I was younger, my mom and I used to eat ice cream for supper when I was sick. I think a heart full of excruciating pain qualifies.

She looks at me and smiles. “Yeah, I just bought two cartons of Ben & Jerry’s this afternoon. What kind do you want?”

“Did you happen to get Cherry Garcia?”

“Of course, I did,” she says, patting my knee.

We sit under the same large blanket, eating from our two large bowls of ice cream. It doesn’t take all of my pain away, but I don’t feel alone with it. I still can’t believe that Beau loves me. For so long, I’ve wanted him to want me, and maybe he has that whole time. Watching Beau leave tomorrow, especially after everything that happened today, is going to be really hard.

I
DON
’
T
WANT
TO
WATCH
B
EAU
LEAVE
, but I can’t let him go without seeing him one more time. I know I can call him whenever I need to, but there’s just something about being able to see him that makes me feel so much better.

I’m going to miss him, more than I probably even realize right now. We’ve gone through all the major phases of our lives together, but I’ve decided to sit this one out. When I chose not to go to college, I didn’t think I would regret the decision, but knowing Beau’s leaving without me in exactly twenty-six minutes is filling me with uneasiness. Things never seem to hit me until they are right in front of my face. Just like everything else, I’ve pretended that Beau will always be by my side, even though I knew he’d be leaving soon. In some ways, it’s easier to pretend, but right now all that time spent convincing myself that this day would never come is making my heart ache.

I remember the day I moved into this house as if it was yesterday.

My mom is busy unpacking boxes in the kitchen, and all I seem to do is get in her way, so I decide to walk out to the backyard to swing on the old tire that hangs from the big oak tree. I’m in my own world, a little sad that we’ve left my old neighborhood and friends. I’m not swinging that high; I’m having enough fun just digging my toes into the dirt. My mom’s going to be mad because I’m getting my good tennis shoes dirty, but I don’t care. I’m sick of moving, and I don’t care about these stupid shoes.

I see a ball roll past my feet, stopping right in front of me. When I look up, there’s a boy in dirty grass stained blue jeans and a navy blue Power Rangers t-shirt. He has longish dark hair and smudges of mud all over his face. When he
smiles, I
laugh; he’s missing three of his front teeth and looks like one of my mom’s Halloween creations.

“What are you laughing at?” he asks, looking behind his back.

I giggle again. “Nothing.”

“That swing isn’t safe, you know. See that up there?” he says, pointing at the branch that was hanging on to the trunk by a small piece of wood. “It’s going to fall soon. That’s what my mom says.”

I ignore him, continuing to sway back and forth on the swing. Boys can be so dumb, and I’m only a little bit off of the ground. If I fall, it won’t hurt that much.

“What’s your name?” he finally asks.

“Kate,” I say, shielding the sun from my eyes. “What’s yours?”

“Beau. Like a bow and arrow. My dad likes to hunt,” he says, smiling again.

I don’t know much about hunting, because I don’t have a dad to tell me about it. I never have, and it doesn’t bother me until other kids talk about their dads.

I climb out of the tire and straighten my shorts. “This town sucks.”

Beau shrugs. “I think you might like it here.”