Random Acts of Senseless Violence (13 page)

We got to Excelsior at four thirty. It's a big store but it was packed like Christmas. Before we could go in we had to stand in line with everybody else while the guards looked in everybody's bags and purses. People were complaining and whining. One man was yelling at the guards and they just looked at him like he was crazy. Finally we got inside and we found Daddy at the information counter where he and another fellow were surrounded by shouting customers. Eventually he got somebody to replace him at the counter and he came out with the book Mama wanted. ‘Oh Michael dearest thank you can we take it right up to the cash register?' Mama asked but Daddy said no he had to take it back to Mister Mossbacher to have the employee purchase forms he'd filled out signed or otherwise he couldn't get her the discount. So we followed Daddy down the aisle toward the back of the store.

‘Dears your father has told me stories I'm sure he's exaggerating but don't say anything if anything odd happens' Mama said. ‘Odd like what?' Boob asked. ‘Well I don't know sweetie just anything peculiar' Mama said. It wasn't just odd or peculiar it was horrible. In the back of the store is a big concrete box with a dumbwaiter in it where they send up books from the basement. Standing by the dumbwaiter was a skinny little man with a bushy pubic hair beard looking exactly like Daddy said it did. Yes the man was Mister Mossbacher and he looked like a real bum wearing a dirty old T-shirt and jeans. He looked like the kind of bum that when he gets into the same subway car as you you get out at the next stop even if you don't have to. It was so scary Anne he was standing there hitting his head on the side of the dumbwaiter over and over again saying fuck me fuck me fuck me every time he hit his head. Anyway he stopped when Daddy walked up to him and said something. He shouted at Daddy what the fuck is it now? Mama put her arm out so as to keep us from getting closer. Boob was already hiding behind her.

Daddy handed Mister Mossbacher the pieces of paper
and he scrawled his name on them with a pen and said hand me those books. There we were surrounded by thousands and thousands of books and Daddy didn't know which books any more than I did, I could tell because he got all fidgety. Mister Mossbacher went total post office. If he'd had a gun there wouldn't have been anyone alive. He kicked over a stack of books and threw the one he was holding down the aisle and it almost hit a customer. Can't you fucking do anything can't anybody fucking do anything around here Mister Mossbacher screamed at the top of his voice and then he got all quiet again like nothing had happened and he wondered why everyone was staring at him. He grabbed a different stack of books that was on the other side of the dumbwaiter and started sorting them out by title and acted like Daddy wasn't even there. Another customer started to ask him where something was and Mister Mossbacher said to the customer do you see the sign that says Information can you read it if you can't read what the fuck are you doing in a bookstore? he asked. The customer looked frightened and walked away without saying anything.

‘Is he on medication?' Mama asked when Daddy came back over to where we were standing and Daddy shook his head. All the way back up the aisle Boob and I kept looking behind us to see if Mister Mossbacher was going to pull any more insaners but he just kept checking in books. At the checkout a customer was telling a cashier that there was a crazy man in the back of the store throwing books at people and screaming. ‘That's the owner ma'am' the cashier said. The customer said fuck you to the cashier and started to walk out, but he was moving so fast the guards must have thought he was trying to shoplift so they threw him down on the floor.

Then the ride home was just as bad and even scarier. It was right in the middle of rush hour. The subway was so crowded it was hard to breathe. I got a seat and Boob sat on my lap and Mamma stood in front of us hanging onto
the bar. Between 66th and 72nd Street the train stopped in the tunnel and the lights got dim and the air conditioning shut off. The conductor said something but the speaker was broken and he sounded like he was talking inside a drum. Then it got real quiet inside the car like it always does when the train stops. Suddenly a woman said ‘Watch your feet' and a man said you watch. ‘I said you watch' she said and he said his feet weren't in the way it was her baby carriage. ‘My baby's not in the way' she said and he said the fuck it wasn't. They started cursing each other back and forth and getting louder and louder. ‘Please quiet down' another lady said and the man said fuck you too. ‘Don't talk to me like that motherfucker' the lady said and then a lot of people shouted no no and the crowd in our half of the car pushed back like they were being shoved and I thought Mama was going to fall on us. It was so crowded me and Boob couldn't see what was happening. ‘He started it' one of the ladies said and then everybody was saying be cool be cool. The crowd stopped crowding and some people muttered and everybody got quiet again. Then the second woman said ‘Dumbass motherfucker' and people started screaming real loud and everyone started pushing into our half of the car like they were getting ready to come through the windows. Everyone was shouting no no don't don't and it must have worked because no one did. Then the lights and the air conditioning came back on and after a minute or so the train started up again. When it got to 72nd about half the people in our car got out and then it was quiet again so I think whoever was arguing got out too. Mama looked really white and tired and Boob didn't say anything so I know she was scared.

It's just been an awful day Anne. I'm tired of writing but I had to tell you what happened today because it was so awful. Boob is throwing things at me and saying ‘Turn out the light Booz' so I'm going to stop now. Mama took a couple of Xanax so she's in Dreamland now and won't hear Boob but we need to get to sleep too. ‘Why does Daddy let
Mister Mossbacher talk to him like that?' Boob asked me when we got home. ‘Because he needs to keep the job' I said. ‘I wouldn't let anybody talk to me like that' Boob said. ‘You would if you needed to keep your job' I said. ‘Won't find me working' Boob said and then she said ‘Daddy should hit him on the head with a shovel and bash his brains in.' ‘It's not cartoons Boob' I said. ‘I know' Boob said.

Daddy won't be home for another hour probably. Night night Anne.

APRIL 8

Anne I don't know how much I'll be able to write you tonight I just

APRIL
10

I'm sorry I haven't written you during the week Anne but I haven't wanted to or been able to until now. Wednesday night I tried but I was too tired and in too bad a mood. And why would anybody want to hear from someone who was going to yell at them for something they didn't have anything to do with?

Remember I told you how weird Tanya and Susie were acting on Monday. Well Tuesday they were acting like that again and so on Wednesday when I saw them at lunch I said ‘What is it with you two?' ‘Nothing what's the matter with you?' they asked. ‘You act like I'm poison' I said. ‘You're crazy we're not acting weird at all you're the one acting weird' Tanya said. ‘Ever since you moved you've been so mental we've been thinking you're a committal' Susie said. ‘In every way' Tanya said. Then they started giggling like they knew a joke on me that I didn't. I said ‘What is it?' ‘Oh nothing.' ‘Yes it is it's something what is it?' I asked. When I started to sit down they stood up. ‘Did we say you could sit down?' Tanya said. ‘Who's mental
now?' I asked. ‘Come on Susie she's zoned all the time now that she lives up in crackworld' Tanya said and then they left.

After school I saw Katherine outside and I thought it was about time we talked about the night I stayed over. I wanted to ask her right out if her father was looking at me when I was in the bathroom. She didn't see me come up behind her and when I said hi she acted like she'd seen a ghost. ‘What's the matter with you?' I asked following. ‘Nothing' she said and started walking away from me. I grabbed her arm and she pulled away and lifted her books like she was going to hit me with them. ‘Don't touch me' she said. ‘Why are you acting like that?' I asked. ‘You know why' she said. ‘Leave me alone.' ‘I won't if you don't tell me what's the matter' I said. ‘I'll scream and they'll arrest you' she said and then she ran across East End and down 83 rd Street.

Then I heard girls behind me singing Queer Queer Queer. I knew I knew them. When I turned around and looked I saw Susie and Icky Betsy of all people. They started laughing at me. ‘Shut up' I said and they laughed some more. I saw Boob and walked over and said ‘Come on Boob let's go home.' ‘It's a pretty day let's walk' she said. ‘Let's take the bus' I said. ‘Watch out she'll get you' I heard Susie yelling. ‘Who'll get me?' Boob asked. ‘Shut up Boob let's go home' I said.

We caught the bus on 86th and rode across the park and then transferred to the one that went uptown. ‘What's the matter with you?' Boob asked me over and over again. Finally I shouted at her saying ‘Boob there's nothing the matter please shut up all right?' Of course by doing that it proved to her that there was something the matter but she could also tell I didn't want to be teased about it. But then she decided she should be my shrink. ‘You know what Daddy says if you don't talk about problems eventually you blow up' she said. ‘You got to hang it all out Booz' she said. ‘Boob shut up I don't want to talk about it' I said.
‘Whatever you say but you'll break out and get ulcers' she said.

But I didn't want to talk to Boob because she wouldn't understand and I didn't want to talk to Mama because I didn't know what she'd say. I wanted to talk to you Anne but Wednesday night it was hopeless. Boob kept interrupting as I was thinking about what to say shouting ‘What are you writing now Booz?' She wouldn't stop and finally I gave up. There's nothing I hate worse than trying to write and being interrupted over and over again. Tonight Boob went right to sleep and so I'm finally writing you and telling you what happened. None of the girls spoke to me yesterday or today. This morning when we got to school I found a Playboy magazine in my locker, someone had shoved it through the slot. They wrote on it Something you can beat off to. I threw it right in the trash can.

I'm glad you have a lock on you Anne because Boob would try to read this if she could but she can't.

Katherine must have decided what we did the other morning was wrong I think and then she told the girls what happened even though she was the one who kept saying she wanted a kiss. I'm sick of them acting like this it's so immature. It makes me think we did something awfully wrong but I know we didn't but maybe we did. I wish Lori was back she was the only one who could make those girls shut up when they acted like babies without beating them up. She should be getting back next week and maybe then she can straighten them out.

Anyway that's what happened and why I haven't had a chance to write before now. Daddy's still not home. Even though Excelsior closes at midnight he has to be there for another hour until they finish waxing the floor and then it's another half hour before he gets home even if the subway shows up on time, which it hardly ever does that late.

I'm glad it's Friday. I always hated it when they acted that way to other girls and now it's my turn. I don't know why they're like that.

APRIL
11

Even before noon it was ninety degrees today and so humid that everything was dripping like a sponge. Everything smelled like rotten garbage too like it always does in New York every summer. If I'm not in New York I love summer but I hate it when I am. When it's humid like it always is the back of my neck is always wet and I have to wash my hair twice a day sometimes just because otherwise it feels like I'm wearing bacon on my head it gets so greasy.

After Daddy left for work at eleven thirty I went outside. Mama had new manuscripts to proofread and Boob was watching cartoons. We all slept until ten since it's the weekend and it's so hard to get out of bed when you don't have to especially when it's this hot. I didn't want to be miserable so I just wore sandals and a muscle T and an old pair of cutoff jeans. ‘Sweetie where are you going?' Mama asked me. ‘Just out' I said. ‘Bad boys will be whistling at you my angel you look like such a little cookie' she said. ‘I'm not a cookie it's hot out' I said. ‘Be careful sweetie don't fall prey' Mama said. ‘I won't' I said.

It was like a party on the street because everyone had gone outside. The super and some of his friends had set up a card table and were playing dominoes. Some of the old ladies who live upstairs from us were leaning on the light-post out front talking. A bunch of Spanish boys were standing at the corner of Broadway. They all wore caps and football shirts that came down to their knees. They were older than me which means they're at the very worst age, they think they're big like men but they aren't old enough to drive yet. I wanted to cross Broadway and walk on the Columbia side but the light was red and I had to wait. That's when they saw me and started in.

Anne they started hooting at me like baboons going Hey Baby Hey Baby Hey. ‘I'm impressed' I said though now that I think about it that was probably just leading them on. They laughed and called me culo. Like I told you that's a really dirty word in Spanish, as bad as the really bad ones
in English like fuck and cunt. One of the bigger boys walked over to me. He thought he was growing a mustache but it just looked like he'd been eating coal. He had a cane but he didn't have a limp he was just swinging his cane around like he was going to hit someone but didn't. He grabbed my arm and said yo queenie let me help you cross the street to my house. ‘Let go of me' I said trying not to look at him and I pulled loose. His friends walked over to where we were standing. When I started to cross the street the big one pulled me back on the curb.