Rant (19 page)

‘Well, aren't you the sneaky one,' I said

‘I have my moments,' she said, and I'm sure she blushed, just a little.

‘So we go to the police?' I asked.

‘Of course,' said Ms Agent Smith. ‘Uncle Menzies, in case you're forgetting, is a policeman, so he'll see to that.'

‘But how do we get them there without letting everyone know what's in the suitcases? I thought we had to keep this all secret.'

‘Aye but, laddie,' said Mallefant, ‘we huv a secret weapon. A real honey pot. Somethin' that ivery police officer in the country is desperate tae get their hands on right aboot now.'

‘And what's that?' I asked, though in truth I already knew.

‘You,' he said.

Reader, you don't want to hear what I had to say to that.

Corpsing

Friday May 7
th
. Midday.

When we arrived at the rendezvous point, I was not at my best. It had been a rough old few days and I was beginning to feel the effects of all the beatings, bumps, scrapes, burnings and terrorisations. It had taken a lot to get me motivated that morning but Ms Agent Smith had come up with a cunning plan.

She got me off my tits on drugs.

I had surprised myself, given my somewhat distressed state, by falling asleep within seconds of touching the floor in the spare bedroom. There was a bed in this one but I was too tired to walk that far.

I had woken unable to move most of my left side. My right side I could not move at all. Ms Agent Smith had come through and asked if I had any pain.

I laughed in her face. She looked me up and down and conceded it had been a stupid question. Almost every inch of my body was as black and swollen as a corpse. And kind of smelt like one too, even after a shower.

She told me I probably needed some kind of relaxant and so she gave me an injection of ketamine.

‘Isn't that a horse sedative?' I asked

‘Yes,' she replied, ‘but I won't give you much.'

‘Is that because I'm feeling a little
hoarse
?' Oh, how we laughed.

I told her I was too tired to move and felt as though my heart was about to stop beating. She gave me an injection of adrenaline. When I stopped bouncing off the walls I told her I was still in a great deal of pain, so she gave me morphine. That really spaced me out so she gave me some speed. As I was waiting for the full benefit of this pharmacopeia to kick in, I wondered out loud why she should have so many drugs just hanging around the place.

‘My girlfriend,' she muttered.

‘What, she's some kind of drug dealer?' I slurred. ‘That must raise a few eyebrows, what with you being…'

‘No,' she smiled, ‘she's an army medic.'

‘Ah,' I murmured, as the walls started to glow pretty colours and my teeth gritted like a Staffordshire terrier's around its favourite postman's leg. ‘So she has all of this in case of some…national security crisis, then? Civil war in London. The Apocalypse.'

‘No, she's a recovering addict and sometimes needs a little pick me up. How are you doing, now?'

I would have told her that I still didn't feel so good but I couldn't stop grinding my teeth. Just as well really. I might have told her about the hot flushes and the fact that my memory was going, and then she'd have thought I was menopausal and started me on a course of HRT.

Inspector Mallefant turned up in his shiny car and was carrying some fresh clothes for me to wear. Normal, clean clothes. And shiny brogues. And a tweed cap. I turned my nose up at the cravat, though. He still made me sit on a plastic sheet in the back, but to be fair he also made Ms Agent Smith sit on a plastic sheet on the driver's seat. She looked as though she was used to it.

We set off.

Ms Agent Smith had called Sam earlier and he had gone for it. She told him she had had to make a quick getaway to make sure that the children on the bus were safe, as well as Van G and Joshua, but that after dropping them off she had returned to the sewage works and found me creeping out of a manhole cover. He believed that she had single-handedly captured me, tied me up and dragged me back to her apartment where she had managed to contain me overnight. As if.

We were to meet them on the South Bank, near the London Eye, at just before midday. I glanced at my watch, realised I didn't have one (where had that gone?) and started singing ‘The Windmills of My Mind'.

I just couldn't stop. On and on and on and on. Round and round. Like a wheel within a wheel. Like a circle in a circle. Ring within a ring. Hoop within a hoop.

Eventually Ms Agent Smith stopped the car, rolled a cigarette, slapped me on the head and said, ‘Here, smoke this, it'll make you feel better.'

‘Don't smoke!' I said. And then laughed at how absolutely hilarious her ears were. (Mind you, they were quite funny even when I wasn't on drugs. Don't ask me why, humour is a very personal thing.)

She slapped me again. ‘You need to calm down. Smoke it!'

I smoked it. Three puffs in, I fell asleep. I dreamt we were walking along the South Bank, away from the Hungerford Bridge. We were headed towards the London Eye, which towered over us as we approached it.

‘Like an eye within an eye...'

Sam was there and I told him he was a naughty American and that he should be ashamed of himself. He'd let himself down, he'd let his country down, he'd let the class down, he'd let my tyres down.

Everyone was talking at me, but I couldn't hear a word they were saying. Only the echoes of my…er…only see their mouths moving and a kind of
Wah! Wah! Waaaah!
sound coming out.

I stared up at the London Eye again. It stared back. I blinked first. Bugger.

‘Like a cog within a cog...'

Mr Van G was there and asked if I would like a mint.

‘Like a polo within a polo...'

‘will-you-pull-your-self-to-gether-and-shut-the-fuck-up!'
said Joshua, suddenly appearing in his wheelchair within a wheelchair.

‘Hello, Joshua,' I said, bending over to hug him. ‘Ah Joshua, it's lovely to see you! How the devil are you, you creepy little bastard? By the way, did your voice thingummy come pre-programmed with “fuck” in it or did you have to add it yourself? Eh? Naughty Joshua! Who's a bad Joshua, eh?'

‘up-yours-arse-biscuit!'
said Joshua.

I fell over laughing and I might have wee'd myself just a little bit at that.

Then some clowns were coming towards us. I jumped up and squeezed the nose of one of them, who said, ‘Mr Rants this is hurting me. Letting me go, please. We are having your wifes here, as per what our bargaining was.'

I let go of his nose.

‘It's you! Showaddywaddy!' I hugged and kissed them all. When I let them go they looked rather uncomfortable and embarrassed.

‘What was it you were saying about my wife? You're shaving her hair, did you say? You want to be careful with that, she likes her hair a very lot much.'

People were staring at me as they walked past.

‘What?' I shouted, with all the belligerence of a dormouse. ‘I can make a noise if I want to. It's my dream! Now go away! I have to go and shave my wife with Showaddywaddy.'

Sam said, ‘Mike, if you don't calm down I swear I'm going to knock you out.'

‘Ha!' I said. ‘Hahahahahahahahaha ha! You can't knock me out though can you? Because I'm asleep! And if you're not careful I will turn you into a…windmill! Like a floater in a toilet...like a something in your shoe...'

Sam knocked me out.

When I came to, I looked up and saw the face of Anna, smiling down at me.

‘Hello, lovely man,' she said. ‘You've come to rescue me. I knew you would.' And she bent forward and kissed me softly on the lips.

‘Ooooh!' I said, ‘I've died and gone to heaven. Hello, little angel.'

‘God,' she said, ‘you're not still using that cheesy old line, are you? That went out with the dinosaurs. Did you remember to ring work for me?'

‘Oh, bugger!' I said. ‘I knew there was something. But what with trying to save your life and being tortured and blown off and all...'

‘Blown off?'

‘Up. I meant “up”.'

‘I hope you did. Well anyway, don't get all Mr Rant on me. I was only joking.'

She looked a bit teary.

‘I'm sorry,' I said. And I was. A bit.

I felt a little less...excitable than I had before...before...

‘He punched me!' I said.

‘Who punched you, darling?'

I looked around and there stood Sam in...some kind of hamster cage?

‘Wow, my dreams are getting weirder.'

‘Mike, you're awake now.' She looked at Ms Agent Smith accusingly. ‘My God, he is out of it. What did you give him?'

‘Just some painkillers,' said Ms Agent Smith. ‘And a bit of penicillin.'

‘Maybe he's having an allergic reaction,' Anna said. ‘Look at the colour of him!'

Ms Agent Smith knelt by my head and took my pulse. Her blonde hair shifted gently as she shook her head. She looked soft and caring, underneath those killers' eyes.

‘He's fine,' said Ms Agent Smith. ‘Just a little...overwrought. And that's just bruising you can see. He's had a rough few days.'

As she stood up and moved to join Sam in the hamster cage, I silently thanked her. Anna was staring at me.

‘You haven't got something going on with her, have you?' she asked, bitterly. ‘Because if you have...'

Oh Anna,
I thought.
If you only knew. Yes she's beautiful, and kind of sexy in a Gestapo sort of way, but she's a lesbian. She wouldn't be interested in me.

‘So you did fancy her. I knew it! You always did like a woman in uniform.'

Oops,
I thought.
Did I really say that out loud?

‘Yes you did.'

‘Anna, I've spent the last few days desperately trying to find you. I've been to hell and back. And I even had to go to Birmingham. I've been so worried about you. Ask any of this lot. I'm just so glad that you're alright. You're the only woman I've ever wanted.'

Well, apart from a weird crush on Thora Hird when I was about eighteen.

‘Thora Hird?'

‘Stop it, Anna, you're freaking me out, reading my mind like that. Just hold me.'

And she did. A little stiffly at first, and then we folded into each other's arms and hugged hard.
I love you so much, you cantankerous old thing,
I thought.

‘Who are you calling old?' she muttered into my shoulder. Then her hand reached down and gently caressed my balls.

‘Ooh!' I said. ‘Careful, darling. Little bit sensitive down there.'

I looked up and two members of Showaddywaddy were smiling down at me. One was dabbing his eyes with a tissue. The other gave me the thumbs up and I noticed the bandaged stump that had once been a finger.

‘Is happy time for you, no?'

Anna pulled away. ‘Oh, Mike, this is Stephan and Giorgio. They've been...looking after me.'

They nodded their hellos and I stared back at them.

One false move and I'll kill the pair of you,
I thought.

‘Mike!' said Anna. ‘Be nice. They've treated me really well and if anyone is going to do any killing it'll be me. How could you get us into such a mess?'

‘If you'd just let me explain...'

‘Later. But it better be a good one.'

I sighed. The drugs were wearing off a bit and I realised this was no dream. Which was a good thing, because Anna was here and alive and well. But it was a bad thing for many of the same reasons. And I could murder a Mars Bar.

‘I don't have a Mars Bar,' said Anna, rummaging through her bag, ‘but I've got some custard creams in here somewhere.'

‘Where are we anyway?'

‘On the London Eye.' she said. ‘I've wanted to go on for ages. We've missed a lot of it, you were out cold. Come and look at the view.'

I stood up stiffly and staggered to the window. We were about halfway down. As I looked around the gondola thingy I saw the Romanians lined up on the seats to one side, whilst Ms Agent Smith, Sam, Joshua and Mr Van G sat along the other. They all looked a bit grumpy.

Below us I could see police moving in amongst the crowd and moving them back. And in the distance I was sure I saw the bumbling figure of Special Constable Meads, directing the police cars where to park and looking decidedly happy. I turned back to the assembled company.

The suitcases were now on the Romanian side and a large briefcase was in Sam's hands. I had obviously missed the deal. Still, I had everything I wanted in my arms. If she had been holding the briefcase full of money it would have been the cherry on the cake, obviously, but still...

‘I think you better stop now,' said Anna, a little harshly.

Don't do drugs, boys and girls. People can see your thoughts.

I looked around at the assembled company.

‘Oh for God's sake, cheer up,' I said. ‘You've all got what you wanted. The money, the disks. I have my lovely wife—'

‘And child,' said Anna.

‘I have my lovely wife and child back. Wow. Forgot about that for a second. Wow. That's amazing. You should all be happy. I'm the one who should be pissed off, I mean, Mallefant's going to have me arrested as soon as I step off this thing so...'

Oops.

Everyone was looking at me now. Apart from Ms Agent Smith who had closed her eyes and was muttering silently.

‘The policeman?' asked Sam quietly. ‘Are you telling me that miserable Scottish policeman is here?'

‘What is miserable Scot-tish policeman?' Primary Romanian Goon asked. One of the sub-goons whispered in his ear and suddenly all of the Romanians had pulled out guns and were pointing them at the GIA.

‘Keep calm, everyone.' I said. ‘They're only after me. I'm the one who's been on a one-man crime spree across the country.'

Anna was staring at me, goggle-eyed.

‘Sorry,' I corrected myself. ‘I'm the one who has been on an
alleged
one-man crime spree across the country. Don't get your knickers in a twist. I'll go quietly and you lot can all disappear to wherever it is international criminals disappear to. Underground lairs? Secret island hideaways? Barnsley? Whatever. I just wanted the chance to see my lovely wife again before they lock me up and throw away the key.'

I hugged and kissed her and everyone looked to have relaxed a little. Stephan/Giorgio was dabbing at his eyes again.

The Romanians didn't put their guns away, though.