Rant (20 page)

We were almost back at the disembarkation point. ‘Well,' I said, ‘it's been lovely knowing you all. I do hope your various nefarious fiendish plots all come to fruition. Not. But I think that my lovely wife and I will leave you now and spend our last few moments together. You all take care now.'

‘I am think no,' said Primary Goon. ‘What I feeling is, you and lovely wifes yours, will sit down now and maybe be have another turn around big wheel-thingy—'

‘Did you learn your English from a bad English sitcoms of the eighties compilation DVD?' I wondered out loud.

‘Quiet!' he screamed. ‘No more the wise ass-cracking Mr Rants. You are sits here and we are go. We are being given head start. And I thinking also, we are make the penis...'

He looked doubtfully at his cohorts and spoke quietly in Romanian. They muttered back.

‘...we are make the
penalty
. So we not payings for the goods. You give back now.'

‘I don't think so, buddy,' said Sam.

‘I think yes.'

He motioned to Giorgio/Stephan and he walked over and grabbed the handle of the briefcase. There was a brief tug of war and then Sam relented.

‘You're going to be sorry for this,' he said.

Hear, hear,
I thought, then realised Sam was talking to me.

‘What? What did I do?'

‘Limey idiot,' said Sam.

The doors hissed open and the Romanians started to back toward them.

Then a loud voice said, ‘If youse don't mind, gentlemen. Ah think Ah'll tek they bags from you. Ah do believe they're the property of yon Secret Services.'

Hooray for Inspector Mallefant!

Then the Romanians turned their guns on him.

‘Ah!' he said. ‘Nae need tae be hasty the noo, gentlemen. Ah'll let youse be on yer way.' And he stepped to one side gingerly.

Boo to Inspector Mallefant!

Still, I sighed with relief as the Romanians backed slowly out of the door, smiling. It was over. Barbu was gone. I would never see the GIA again. I wouldn't have to worry about household bills where I was going. Though I would miss Anna terribly and wouldn't get to see my child growing up. And Anna would never get to see me grow up.

And now the Romanians were gone. Waving cheerfully as they escaped with the disks. And the money. Lots and lots and lots of money...

It was a moment of madness. I blame the drugs. As the doors began to close, I rushed forward and barged into the two Romanian henchmen holding the suitcases. Sam and Anna both shouted ‘No! Mike, don't!' and I was touched by their concern. They
did
love me. Or Anna did. Sam obviously liked me a little bit more than he'd ever let on.

Right Hand Goon and Left Hand Goon fell like skittles, and I swiftly pirouetted and kicked Primary Goon right in the nuts. He hit a perfect high C and folded in half. I hefted up the two suitcases and was about to dive back through the door when I had second thoughts and scooped up the briefcase containing the cash with my toe and flicked it over my head into Anna's waiting arms.
Bend it like Beckham!
I thought. I was like a wild man on drugs. In fact I
was
...etc. etc.

I dived back through the narrowing gap with inches to spare – and stopped dead, falling over in a perfect pratfall onto my back. One of the suitcases had come through but the other was trapped in the door.

Primary Goon was staggering to his feet and advancing towards me, pulling a gun from his jacket as he did so. I yanked at the case but it wouldn't budge.

‘Help me!' I shouted.

Anna and Ms Agent Smith both grabbed at the handle and pulled. For a second nothing happened and then it suddenly popped through and we all fell on our backs. Well, I fell on my back and Anna fell on hers. Ms Agent Smith fell on my front, and if I hadn't known better I would have sworn it was because she fancied me.

‘Oh no you don't, lady. Climb off the hero, he's all mine.'

Anna threw Ms Agent Smith across the gondola and straddled me. God it was a turn on. It hurt like buggery but it was still a turn on.

‘Take me now, big boy,' she said and cackled like a cackly thing that's just been tickled. I coughed and looked across at the others. Anna reluctantly climbed to her feet.

‘Sorry,' she said to the assembly. Sam sat with his head in his hands and Inspector Mallefant had gone a charming shade of puce. ‘Must be my hormones. Don't know what came over me. But I wish it had been you, you...big...brave...hunk of spunk!'

She pulled me to my feet and planted a kiss on me like a camel sucking a watermelon.

‘Oh, get a room!' said Ms Agent Smith.

‘beedly-beedly-beedly!'
said Joshua.

A phone was ringing. It was playing the theme from
Born Free
. Sam pulled it out of his pocket and answered with a somewhat tired, ‘Hello?'

He listened for a moment and then held the phone out.

‘It's for you,' he said.

I put the phone to my ear. It was our Romanian friend.

‘Hahahahahaaaaaah, Mr Rants. How are youse enjoying your ride there? Ha ha ha! You are thinking haps that you are the winning, no? You are the money, you are the disks, and you are the wifes. All is good for you, yes?'

I moved to the window, still holding Anna tightly to my side, and looked down the ten feet or so to where the Romanian and his friends stood on the embankment. He was dancing like a pixie.

‘But I am here telling you that it is no to you, Mr Rants. You are not the winning. Why? you might be asking. Why is no? Why is silly man say no? Are you asking? Asking me Mr Rants. I said to be asking!'

‘Oh,' I said. ‘Why?'

‘Ha ha ha! Is very good question Mr Rants. And here for you is the bonus that is added. Enjoy your time wifes yours, because – be seeing clear what it is that I say – you will be having only the fifteen minutes there Mr Rants. After that, the ejaculate that I placed myself in the money bag will be spreading.'

There was some muttering in the background.

‘Sorry, excusing Mr Rants. I say again – the ex-plosive I placed in the money bag will be blowing you. I am pressing button to start countdown now. Here we are going...and....boop! Is done. So is good bye to you and your friends Mr Rants. Love your wife good now. Can you see me here, Mr Rants? I am fingering you myself, Mr Rants! I am fingering you myself to you with the two fingers.'

I looked down, and he was indeed fingering me with two fingers.

‘Goodbye Mr Rants. Goodbyee
eaiiieee—
!'

The last was a scream as three burly policemen rugby-tackled him to the ground.

I disconnected the call.

‘What did he want?' asked Anna, brushing back my hair.

‘Oh, nothing really,' I said. ‘Do you really love me, Anna?'

‘Of course I love you! Why do you even... Mike? What have you done now? Please tell me you haven't screwed up now. And you were doing so well. I was almost glad to see you. You have, haven't you? You knacker. Just tell me, what have you done?'

There were shots below us. We all rushed to the window and watched as the two Romanians were wounded and arrested. I craned my neck around and saw that three of the operators of the London Eye had also been wounded in the crossfire. The rest were running for their lives across the embankment. They disappeared into the crowd.

‘What did he say, Mike?' said Sam, with a kind of halfway grin on his face. ‘You may as well tell us.'

‘Well,' I said, ‘you see...the bag with the money in...sort of...has some...how do I put this? Well, explosives I suppose. And our Romanian friend just pressed the start button on a timer and don't look at me like that Anna, I wasn't to know! He says we have about fifteen minutes left before we—Ow! Anna, that hurts. I'm not a well man. Please! We have so little time left, let's not spend it fighting. I—
OOOOWW!!
'

‘After you, Mrs Rant,' said Sam.

‘Don't you start,' I said, trying to get Anna's fingers out of my hair and eyes.

‘Well, I have to admit,' he said, ‘that I am also a little to blame for our predicament.'

We both stopped and looked at him.

‘What do you mean?' we asked in unison.

‘Well, I did play the same little prank on our Romanian friends.'

‘Meaning?' asked Ms Agent Smith.

‘That I also planted explosives. In the case that I was giving to them. Purely to make sure that they didn't get away with material of national importance, you understand.'

‘In the case that Mr Rant snatched back off them?'

‘Indeed.'

Now Ms Agent Smith began to advance on me. ‘God, you stupid f—'

Anna stepped in front of me. ‘Oh, no! Step away from the gonk, lady. He's all mine.'

‘What happened to “hero”?' I asked.

‘If you search deep down inside yourself, I think you already know the answer to that question.'

She wasn't wrong.

‘The windows,' said Van G. ‘Try to break the bloody windows, and then we can throw the dashed things out!'

We tried. They were made of reinforced glass. We bashed them and kicked them, we hit them with the cases (which I pondered the wisdom of, given that they now had live bombs in them, but I really wasn't in any kind of position to question anybody else's moves). Ms Agent Smith even took a shot at one but the bullet ricocheted off and went pinging around until it found Van G's foot.

‘Goodness gracious!' he said quietly. ‘That smarts!' And then he fainted.

Ms Agent Smith sighed, pulled out her medicine pack, and set to work patching him up.

‘Well,' I said to Anna. ‘This is another fine mess I've gotten us into.'

And then I thought of the rubber masks that Sam and I had found under Willoughby-Chase's bed. I giggled. Looking across at Sam I saw that he'd had the same thought; we both snorted, then pursed our lips to try and stop. Sam failed and blew an enormous raspberry.

I howled.

‘What the eff is wrong with you?' asked Anna. She looked so serious I couldn't help but honk another enormous, burping laugh in her face.

She snorted and then covered her mouth.

‘You're bonkers, right. You do know that, don't you?'

‘Get a grip,' said Ms Agent Smith. ‘There's an injured man here.'

‘Blow me!' said Sam, and hooted with glee.

She turned on him, about to have a go, and then her shoulders slumped and she puffed out a laugh. ‘Ah, what the fuck,' she said. ‘We're all going to be dead in a few minutes anyway.'

That stopped the laughter. We all stood silently, reminded that this was the end. We looked at each other guiltily and wiped our eyes.

Then Van G Sat bolt upright and said, ‘I say, any chance of a sympathy shag from anyone? Not fussy, any port in a storm and all that. It's been a long time so you'll have to be patient with me...'

And we were off again. Creased up, thigh-slapping, barking mad laughter. We just couldn't stop. Even Joshua's voice box was saying
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA
over and over again, which set us off even more.

I pulled Anna to me and led her over to look at the view across the river. We giggled gently as we walked.

‘I'm sorry, Anna. I—' she pressed a finger to my lips and then kissed me. Long seconds passed in the nicest way possible. I felt a stirring in my loins.

‘Enjoy the view with me, darling,' she said, and laughed softly, turning her back and pushing her delectable bottom into my groin. In the window glass I saw the reflection of the tears running down her face. I cupped her precious tummy and tried not to howl. ‘We would have been great parents, wouldn't we?' I said.

‘The best,' she said, and carried on gyrating her batty.

‘Oooh!' I whispered. ‘Careful, darling. Still a little bit tender down there.'

We were almost at the top of the arc, and while we bumped and ground we took in the vista. The Houses of Parliament. Nelson's Column. St Paul's Cathedral. A helicopter floating over the river. Canary Wharf in the distance. The Oxo building. The bridges.

Behind us, Joshua had dismantled the housing of the electrical circuits in the wall of the pod and connected up the laptop of his computer. He was hacking the London Eye system, trying to open the doors so we could “eject our payload”, as he put it. All he seemed to succeed in doing was stopping the wheel and reversing it every thirty seconds, so we seemed to hover permanently at the top of the ride. I looked at the view again and held Anna a little tighter.

That helicopter was a lot bigger now.

And heading straight for us.

I thought it was going to crash straight into the Eye, but at the last second it banked and hovered right above us. Someone leant out of the door and began scouring the gondolas with a pair of binoculars. When they were looking straight at me, they were lowered. The man smiled. Waved.

Bela Barbu.

He put the binoculars down behind him and replaced them with an enormous rifle.
Uh-oh,
I thought.

‘Everybody down on the floor,
now!'
I shouted, and pulled Anna away from the window.

They all dived and rolled under the seats just as a deafening crack filled the gondola. He must have been using some really big bullets. The glass in the roof cracked from side to side. He took aim again and this time the roof shattered and broken shards cascaded down on top of us.

Slowly the helicopter manoeuvred above us and a rope began to descend. I peeked up and saw Barbu thumbing a radio handset. His voice boomed out through the loudspeakers and echoed all around us.

‘Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I was worried I might have missed you. I do hope you're all enjoying the view. Now, you will see the rope that is descending towards you. I think you know what I would like you to do. So, as quickly as you can, please. Before I decide to start playing with my rifle again. You've seen the damage that that can do.'