Rapturous (11 page)

Unlike the first time, which went on forever, tonight he shows me some mercy. He gathers me up, his arms tight around me when he gives in and takes his own pleasure, flooding me with the heat of his release. Afterward, he holds me so tightly I can barely breathe, but it doesn’t occur to me to tell him so. Nothing in my life has ever felt better
than being surrounded and possessed by Hayden.
 

I grasp his arm, hoping to keep him there as long as I can, because I’m afraid of what happens next. Will he run away like he did before, or will he reluctantly try to give me what he thinks I need? Neither option works for me, but I don’t know how to make him want me the same way I want him.

“Do you forgive me?” His voice is gruff, and the heat
of his breath against my ear makes my skin tingle with goose bumps.

“I want to.”

“You really,
really
should. I can’t handle you hating me.”

“How do you know I hated you?”

“I know you. I know your death stare. I’ve seen you use it often enough on people who try to go around you to get to Flynn.”

“Why did you run?”

“I didn’t know how to handle something like this. I still don’t.”

Not that
I want him to move, but I need to see his face for this conversation, so I give him a little nudge.

He takes the hint and withdraws his still-hard cock—and how exactly is that possible?—and turns onto his back.

I push myself up onto my elbows and study the face that is at once so familiar and still so mysterious at the same time. “Something like this? What does that mean?”

He seems to force
himself to look at me. “Something that matters.
You
matter, Addie. You matter way more than you should.”

That, I realize, is the closest he’ll probably come to telling me he cares about me, but it’s enough to give me hope. “You say that as if it’s a bad thing.”

“It is. For you. And for me, too, if the last couple of days are any indication.”

“What happened the last couple of days?”

“I couldn’t
stop thinking about you, about what we did and how soft your skin is and your taste…

I swallow hard, moved beyond measure by his heartfelt words. “What about it?”

“I couldn’t get the taste of you off my tongue, and I didn’t want to. I wanted to remember it and savor it because I knew I’d be lucky to ever get this close to you again.”

Hearing him say such things, I need to touch him, so I snuggle
up to him, making myself at home with my head on his chest and my hand on his upper abdomen, just above the head of his cock.
 

His arm comes around me, bringing me in even closer to him, and I exhale a long deep breath. At least he’s not running. Not yet, anyway. “Why do you expect it to be such a bad thing?”

“I don’t do this stuff, Addie. I don’t do relationships or feelings or romance or any
of that shit, and that’s what you deserve. You need a guy who’ll go all-out for you. That’s not me.”

“Maybe I need you more than I need that stuff. Has that occurred to you?”

He shakes his head. “No, it hasn’t. You shouldn’t need me. I’m not capable of what you want.” His hand slides from my shoulder down to grip my ass. “This, right here, is what I’m capable of. Wanting more than this isn’t
wise.”

“If you’ve never done it, how do you know you can’t?”

“You’ll have to take my word on that. There’re things about me you don’t know, and if you did… Well, you wouldn’t want me the way you do.”

“Haven’t we always been friends? From the first time my dad brought me to work with him on one of your films, haven’t we been friends?”

“Not always,” he says with a low chuckle. “At first, you
used to annoy the shit out of me with your ten million questions and endless curiosity about what I was doing and why. I wanted to muzzle you.”

I laugh at that, as I always do whenever he reminds me of what a pain I was on that first set. I was seventeen, he was twenty-four, and I was desperately in love with him from the first time I laid eyes on him in all his exquisite male beauty, not that
he knows that. In the ensuing years, we did become friends, even as I dated other guys and he “dated” every vagina in Hollywood—or that’s how it seemed to me.

“I grew up, you grew up, and we did become friends. Admit it.”

“Of course we’re friends, Addie. We’re close friends, which is what puts you off-limits to me. There’s so much at stake, not just for us but for people we care about. People
we love.”

“You mean Flynn.”

“Among others. He’s not comfortable with me seeing you, because he knows you deserve better than me.”

“He’s your best friend. Why would he say such a thing about you?”

“Because it’s true,” he says with a sigh. “I never should’ve touched you the first time, and I certainly shouldn’t have done it again.”

“You say that as if it was totally up to you, as if I had no
say in it.”

“You definitely had a say, but as amazing as it is to be with you this way, it can’t happen again.”

My heart shatters into a million tiny pieces that can never be put back together. It takes every bit of the skill I’ve picked up from being around actors all my life not to show him how devastated I am to hear him say that. What’s so wrong with me that he’s unwilling to take a risk
with me? So what if it’s complicated because of Flynn and our other mutual friends? We’re all adults. Or I thought we were.

Though he’s drawn his line in the sand, he makes no move to leave. If he doesn’t want me or this, part of me wishes he’d just go already and leave me alone. But the other part of me, the part that has loved him for so long, wants to hold on tight and never let him go now
that I have him in my bed.
 

If this is all we’re ever going to have, I want more, damn it. I curl my hand around his cock, loving the sharp gasp of his inhale.
 

“Addie—”

“Shut up, Hayden. If you’re telling me this is all we’re going to have, then let’s do it up in style, shall we? Let’s do everything.”

She has no idea what’s she saying or who she’s saying it to. The words “let’s do everything” are to me what a red flag would be to a bull. During both encounters with her, I’ve kept in mind who she is to me and who she isn’t. She’s not my submissive, as much as I might wish otherwise. My dominant side has no place in her bed. But when she says those three little words, my inner Dom roars to life,
and all bets are off.

“Put your hands over your head. Hold on to the headboard.”

Her expressive eyes widen ever so slightly, her lips part and her nipples tighten. Holy fuck, does she
like
being told what to do in bed? No, no,
no
. Just no. It doesn’t matter if she likes it. It doesn’t matter if she’s the world’s most willing submissive. She can never be
my
submissive. I can’t go there with her.
Anyone but precious, beautiful Addie. The thought of marking her soft skin or torturing her with my kink is beyond my ability to comprehend.
 

I can do those things with other women because I don’t love them. This woman… She has my heart and my soul and my love and, if I were capable, everything I have to give, except my dominance. But she asked for more. I can give her that without giving her
everything.
 

Eyeing me with trepidation that makes me harder than I already was, she does what I’ve asked, slowly raising her hands up and over her head to grasp the wrought iron rails of her headboard. The movement puts her spectacular breasts on prominent display. I wish I had my clamps with me. I wish I had my floggers, ropes and plugs.
 

I’m out of my mind with lust at the thought of doing
those things with her, even though I never will. But I can give her
more
without taking
everything
she has to give.
 

“Do you have lube?”

Her face flushes with the sweetest blush I’ve ever seen. “In the drawer.”

Fuck, I hoped she’d say no, so I wouldn’t be tempted. But she didn’t say no, and I’m sorely tempted. She liked when I licked and fingered her there. I’m experienced enough to know when
anal play turns off a partner, and Addie was incredibly turned
on
by it. Wait until she sees what “more” entails.
 

You just told her you can’t do this anymore, and you’re going to do
that
?
I actively hate the inner voice inside my mind that calls me out on my mixed messages. This is the last time I’m ever going to touch her, and yes, I’m going to do
that
because she’ll love it and so will I.
It’s one of my favorite things to do in bed, and why shouldn’t I do it with her when she’s already shown how much she likes to be touched there?

Stop rationalizing and just do it, will you?
The devil in me always wins out over the angel. Always. Propped up on one hand, I reach for her bedside drawer and find the lube along with a box of condoms and a rabbit vibrator. I grab all three and drop
them on the bed.

Her breathing becomes more rapid when she starts to figure out what I have in mind.

“You still want more?” I ask her as I roll on a condom and take the lid off the lube.

She eyes the lube and the vibe, and then she looks up at me with those big, bottomless eyes and nods.

“Words, Addie. Give me words.”

“Yes, Hayden, I still want more.”

“And you know this is it, right? No
more after this.”

“You’ve made that perfectly clear.”

I can deal with my conscience tomorrow. Tonight, I’m going to give her an experience—and an orgasm—she’ll never forget. And then I’ll let her go because it’s the right thing to do, not because it’s what I want. No, if I could have anything in this world that I want, it would be her. However, I’m a realist, and I know how things work in the
world I live in. I can’t have her and still be me, too. I can’t drag her into the dreck that is my life, my family or my kink. She’s so clean and lovely and sweet. I can’t be responsible for causing the inner light that shines so brightly within her to dim with disappointment and regret.

Her body is on high alert for immediate attack, so I surprise her with softness and sensuality. I start with
her lovely pink nipples, which I lave with my tongue until she’s squirming beneath me, her hips rising, seeking my cock. I add suction and the gentle pinch of my teeth, and she cries out. Moving down, I keep my fingers wrapped around her left nipple, keeping up the tension as I focus on her core. I tongue her clit in soft, persuasive strokes until the first orgasm rolls through her, making her
gasp and pant, among other noises that I commit to memory for all the nights I’ll have to spend without her.

I drive two fingers of my free hand into her pussy, which pulses with the aftershocks of her orgasm. Then I feel her hands in my hair, tugging and pulling. I withdraw from her to deliver a short, sharp spank to her right ass cheek that startles her.
 

“Hands over your head.”

I notice
her hands are now trembling when she returns them to the iron rods. Rubbing the spot where my hand marked her tender flesh, I turn the pain to pleasure.
 

“Hayden…”

“Shhh. No talking. Just feel. If you want to stop, say the word ‘red,’ and everything comes to a halt, okay?”

She nods rapidly.

“Words, Addie. Give me the words.”

“Yes, okay.”

“Unless I ask you a question, the only word you’re
allowed to say is red. Got it?”

“Yes.”

“Now relax, and enjoy.”

Her small laugh tells me she’s a long way from relaxed, but I’m determined to make sure she enjoys this. In my perfect world, I would’ve prepared her with plugs and repeated sessions that work up to what I’m about to do. But my world with Addie is not perfect, and if this is all we’re ever going to have, I want her ass. I’ve obsessed
about her ass to the point of madness. And when she offers me everything, goddamn it, I’m going to take it. See what I mean about being a selfish bastard?

But because I love her so damned much, I’m going to make sure it’s amazing for her. “Has anyone ever touched you here before?” I press two lubed fingers against her anus and push.

“N-no. Never.”