Rare (18 page)

“Ash?”

I felt my scratchy eyes widen as they landed on Danni. I hadn’t heard her come back. I watched as she bent over Pete. She didn’t touch him, but she looked at his face real close, like she was searching for something. I guess she didn’t find it, because she sighed as she straightened up.

“No change?”

I shook my head. She sighed again. A small silver camera dangling from her neck caught my eye. My brain hurt as I tried to remember if she’d had it all day.

She caught me staring long before I figured it out. “I always have one with me,” she said by way of explanation. “I guess it’s the same as your sketchbooks.”

I traced a scant patch of undamaged skin on Pete’s arm. “What is there to take pictures of here?”

Danni fingered the camera. “Who knows? I was about to head out and photograph the sunrise when you called. I forgot I was still carrying it.”

I guessed that answered my question.

“You know, when my mom was sick, sometimes she’d spend a whole week asleep. She didn’t believe us when she woke up until my dad started taking pictures of her. Maybe….”

A knock at the door cut Danni off. She narrowed her eyes and straightened up. “I’ll go see who it is.”

Her footsteps were silent as she crossed the room and slipped like a ghost through the door. It felt like hours before she came back and shook me.

“Ash, sweetie? There are a bunch of fire department people outside. One of them wants to come in. Is that okay with you?”

I sat up from where I’d slumped down on my arms. “Who is it?”

“I don’t know, but it’s just one guy. I can get rid of him if you
want.”

I let go of Pete’s hand and slid the stool away from the bed. My knees clicked as I straightened my legs for the first time in hours. “No, it’s okay.”

I folded my arms across my chest as she went back to retrieve whoever wanted to see Pete. I wondered who it could be. His workmates didn’t know about me and he wasn’t friendly with many of them. The only one he’d ever truly trusted was….

“
Mick
?”

“Hey.”

I stared at him. What the fuck? He was supposed to be dead. The medic working underground with Pete had been killed. I’d assumed it was Mick. He’d been Pete’s partner for years, for longer than I’d known him. It hadn’t crossed my mind that Pete would be with anyone else.

Danni backed away, sensing something she didn’t quite understand. “I’ll be outside.”

“You’re not leaving, are you?”

I panicked as she touched the door handle. Suddenly, she was right in front of me again. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’ll be outside if you need me.”

She kissed the top of my head, holding my gaze for a long moment until I nodded. She backed away again. I took Pete’s hand when she reached the door, squeezing his fingers. They twitched in response, and I forgot all about her and my irrational fear of being alone.

I forgot about Mick, too, until he appeared on the other side of the bed. I rubbed my spare hand over my face. “You’re supposed to be dead.”

“I know, kid. Trust me, I know.”

He shook his head slightly, looking older than his forty years and guilty as hell. He swallowed hard and touched Pete’s face, his fingers hovering over the ominous bruise. “That’s a nasty hit.”

I figured he wasn’t talking to me. Why would he? It wasn’t like I didn’t know that already. I ran my gaze over him. He was in civilian clothes… clean clothes, like he’d come straight from home. It didn’t make any sense.

“Has he come round at all?”

“Hmm? No, not yet.”

“He will,” Mick said. “Give him some time. Pete’s strong. He won’t let this beat him, Ash. You know he won’t.”

My heart wanted to believe him, but the rest of me was too terrified to even try. The doctors said Pete could wake up the same person he’d been the last time I saw him, but they’d also said over and over, that there was a significant chance he wouldn’t… that he’d be so damaged by the blow to his head, he’d never be the same again.

Eleven little words that struck a fear in me beyond any fear I’d ever felt before. Inside I was cowed in the corner, screaming, and yet somehow, I was still by his side.

“Ash?”

“
What
?”

Mick didn’t flinch. He sighed and gave me the same patient look I’d so often endured from Pete. “I know this is hard, but you’ve got to have a little faith. They’ve scanned his brain—it’s all there, and there’s no bleeding that they can see. He’ll be okay.”

I wanted to sag against him and have him tell me that over and over.

I wanted to punch him in the face.

Mick had always been good to me, and his words were meant as comfort, but they meant nothing. No one could tell me Pete was going to be okay. The doctors had made that clear. “Where were you when it happened? Were you on another ambulance?”

“Ash,” Mick said slowly. “I wasn’t there.”

“What? I don’t understand.”

“I haven’t worked for weeks. I took a leave of absence.”

“A what? Why?”

Mick sighed, his gaze drifting over Pete’s prone form. “It’s a long story. I’ve had some family stuff to deal with, and it was getting on top of me. I wasn’t doing the job right and it was starting to affect patient care. It was better for everyone if I took a step back.”

Shock rippled through me. Pete had never mentioned Mick taking time off work. “But if you weren’t there, who died? They said a paramedic died. Who was it?”

“Tim,” Mick said. “He was a rookie. Pete was training him.”

“Was he young?”

“I… I don’t know, Ash. I’m sorry, I wasn’t there. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.” I shook my head. “You’d be dead if you were, right?”

“I guess so.”

Silence fell over us again. Mick was deep in thought and clearly upset. I couldn’t find it in me to comfort him, and it wasn’t too hard for me to slip back into my own daze. In my mind, I replayed the past few months, trying to figure out how something so huge could’ve happened in Pete’s life without me noticing. I knew he wasn’t happy at work. He used to tell me funny stories when he came home, or moan about the little things that bugged him. When had he stopped doing that? Last week? Last month? Last year?

“How did they know where to find me?”

Mick took his hand from Pete’s arm and scrubbed it down his face. “Pete changed all his shit up when you guys moved to the new place. He must have finally put you down as his emergency contact and signed a HIPAA form or something.”

The door opened before I could answer. Maggie’s terrified face appeared, and any words I had died on my lips.

Maggie flew across the room, her petite frame a dark-haired blur. I met her halfway and embraced her. Her scent was familiar and warm. She smelled like the herbs she grew outside her front door; she smelled like home. I swayed as I breathed her in, struggling to hold myself upright until her deeply accented voice cut through the fog.

“Ash, what happened to him? What happened to my boy?”

I shot a desperate glance at Mick. My knowledge of the accident was sketchy, and I couldn’t bring myself to list Pete’s injuries out loud.

Mick came to my rescue. “There was an accident on the L, Maggie. Pete was underground when something hit the train he was working on.”

Maggie’s hand trembled as it hovered over the wounds on Pete’s arm. “Why is he sleeping like this? He’s so far from me. Wake up,
angelo
. Come on now.”

Pain flared in my chest. I guided her into the stool I’d vacated and backed away from the bed. I needed desperately to be with Pete, but I couldn’t bear this.

“Ash, why don’t you take a break for a few minutes?” Mick rounded the bed and put his arm around Maggie. “I’ll stay here with Maggie.”

I looked at him like he’d grown two heads. Maggie laid her hand on my arm. “Go on, honey,” she said. “My Pete will be safe with me. The Lord took my husband; he won’t take my boy too.”

Numb, I shuffled out into the corridor. A crowd of fire-department people had gathered at one end. Some of them glanced my way, but I turned my back on them. They meant nothing to me. Lacking any better ideas, I went into the restroom and splashed some water on my face. It didn’t make me feel any better.

It was still raining when I drifted outside. I found a bench by the door and sank down on it. I’d felt strangely together when I’d been by Pete’s side, but now that I was alone, the gravity of the situation began to sink in. Maggie’s words had stirred something in me. Pete’s injuries terrified me, but I hadn’t once considered they might kill him. The thought alone tore a hole in my chest.

I put my head in my hands.

…he won’t take my boy too.

Maggie was right. She had to be. I couldn’t imagine a world without Pete. He was everything to me: my lover, my friend, and so much more. He’d taught me to be strong, to like myself… to trust myself and believe life could be better. I wanted to share that life with him. I couldn’t lose him now.

I sat on the bench in the rain, my mind swimming. My memory had proved unreliable over the years, but I remembered every happy moment I’d spent with Pete. The first time he grinned at me, the first time he put a platonic hand on my arm, the first time I kissed him. I saw him at work once. A car flipped over outside the shop, and for reasons I never quite understood, Pete’s ambulance was dispatched to the scene. I watched, awed, as he comforted a dying man, argued with cops, and directed firemen, all the while crouched under the hood of a burning car. Ted told me recently it was the day he figured out Pete was my lover.

“Boy, the fire in that car had nothing on your eyes,” he’d said.

I sensed a presence beside me.
Danni
. My hand reached automatically to take the paper cup she held out. “It’s tea,” she said. “It took me a while to track you down, so it might not be that hot.”

She stared until I took the hint and swallowed some lukewarm tea. It felt strange as it trickled into my empty stomach, like it was washing away my soul. I didn’t want it. I set the cup on the arm of the bench.

“It’s quieting down in there now,” Danni said. “Most of the official people left. I’m going to take Pete’s mom home and feed George. I’ll be back in the morning.”

The thought of being alone was daunting, but I nodded. She’d been with me since the crack of dawn. It wasn’t fair to ask her to stay.

“Joe’s here, Ash. You’re not going to be on your own. I promise.”

Had I said that out loud? “Joe’s here?”

“He’s with Pete now, and he’s going to stay with you through the night. Is that okay?”

Being handled with kid gloves got under my skin, but there was no denying how much I needed Joe. Even when Pete was with me, everything felt better when Joe was there too.

I
T
TOOK
another twelve hours before Pete finally stirred. His mouth twisted into a grimace, and I watched, frozen, with my heart in my throat as he lurched sideways. The movement was clumsy and left him off balance, but before he could right himself, he was violently sick.

I struggled with him, fighting to keep him on the bed while Joe ran for help. Blood-stained vomit covered me, and it took all my strength to keep us both from tumbling to the floor. “Pete, please. Someone’s coming, okay? Someone’s coming to help you.”

My poor attempt at comfort fell on deaf ears. Pete screwed his eyes shut and clenched his fists, his body rigid with pain. He was in agony and I couldn’t do anything but hold him.

The door burst open. Suddenly the room was full of people. Faceless hands pulled Pete from me, and I was pushed away. I stumbled backward, dazed and clumsy, until my back hit the wall and I slid to the floor. A sea of bodies surrounded the bed, and I watched helplessly as Pete fought against them. It took everything I had to stay crouched in the corner… everything I had, and the viselike grip Joe had on my arms.

It seemed like a lifetime before a nurse crouched in front of us, holding out two matching blue shirts. “They’re going to take him upstairs to fix him up. The doctor will come and talk to you, but it’s going to be a while before we hear anything. You two should go and get cleaned up.”

Joe pulled me to my feet in time to see Pete’s bed disappear into an elevator. I watched the doors close with unblinking eyes. “What’s upstairs?”

“Surgery,” the nurse said as though she was talking to a child. “They need to repair the damage to his liver.”

The nurse pushed the shirts into Joe’s hand and left. I followed Joe into the restroom in a daze. I’d forgotten I was covered in blood, and I hadn’t noticed he was too.

We cleaned up in silence. Joe handed me a clean shirt and kept his hand on my arm. “Are you okay?”

I pulled the shirt over my head, buying some time, but when I was done, I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t lie to him, but I had no way of articulating the rising panic in my chest. The doctors had been worried about Pete’s liver from the beginning, but despite the weight of their warnings hanging over me, I hadn’t prepared for the prospect of him having surgery.

The thought of him being sliced open made the room slant around me, and the floor seem closer than I wanted it to be. I put my hands on the counter to steady myself and dropped my head, trying to slow the hammering pace of my heart. Beside me, Joe said nothing. His hand was warm on my back, but it was the wrong hand, damn it. I felt myself shrug it away, and then… nothing. I heard and felt nothing.

“Ash?”

“What?”

Joe sighed. “I need to make some calls. The nurse said we can wait in Pete’s room. Come on.”

I slipped back into Pete’s room. For the first time in hours, I was alone… truly alone. After the panicked chaos of just minutes before, it felt surreal. With Pete gone, it was like the glue holding me together had disintegrated, and I felt myself beginning to crumble. I drifted back to the corner I’d come from and slid down the wall. There was a chair in the corner of the room, but I had a sudden, horribly familiar desire to make myself as small as possible. I brought my knees up to my chest and covered my head with my arms. I didn’t move until Joe dropped down beside me.