Ravens Deep (one) (20 page)

             
My thought frightening me, as I felt tense and I clasped my hands around the envelope to curb the shaking.   The thought of seeing Darius again, was mixed with the knowledge that he might be very angry.  Suddenly a chill ran over my skin. I felt a chilling presence, like being back in the bedroom at Ravens Deep.  I held my breath and listened carefully.  There was no sound, no movement from within the house. I believed he was there, the chill had not left me, but I was also half convinced it was just my imagination, I wanted him to be here so badly.  He could easily be watching me from one of the windows, I unsteadily found my voice.

             
“Please open the door Darius,” I said, loud enough that he would hear my plea. The door remained shut, the interior remained silent, but I could not pull myself away.  I must have stood there for twenty minutes or more, hoping that if he were inside, he would take pity on me, and relieve me of my misery. That did not happen, and so I bent down to the polished brass letterbox and quickly pushed my letter through.

             
It was done.

             
The future was set. I went and sat in my car, then I waited for him to read the letter, for the door to open, and for him to appear, but there was no movement, even though I could not shake the feeling that he was watching me.  After an hour, I realized even if he was here, he was not going to confront me. He obviously wasn’t going to make this easy for me.  Although there was some comfort in the thought that maybe the house was empty, and he could be at the museum or on Exmoor at Ravens Deep. I felt deflated as I drove back to my flat, but thankful that the roads were clearer than before.

             
What now? I was determined to put my plan of returning to Ravens Deep into action.  My letter had said two weeks, that would give him the time to read it and he knew where to find me if he so wished.  If he didn’t’t find me, then I fully intended to find him, and reassured myself that he wouldn’t’t be able to stay angry with me forever.

Chapter Sixteen - The Return

             
The following two weeks were the longest of my life.  Each night I waited for a

perception
of his closeness, a voice to come to me out of the darkness, or a knock at my door. I quickly grew tired of sitting by my window night after night, waiting and watching, and still nothing happened.  I was forced to face each morning with the persistent gnawing emptiness. Did I really expect Darius to come to me? Deep down I thought he would, but I refused to be disheartened by his absence. I had to believe that Darius had read the letter by now, and he knew of my intention. 

             
The fact that he had not contacted me was disturbing, but I convinced myself that he could be unsure of how to proceed. Perhaps deep down he longed to see me again and wished that I might return to Ravens Deep. He would find that truth difficult to comprehend. And after all, if he really wished me to stay away, then he could have written.   

             
I ensured everything was in order. I packed most of my clothes and personal possessions, a few groceries and other items that I thought I may need and finally cast a farewell glance over the flat, and hoped it would be many months before I had to walk though this door again.

             
I left London early to miss the heaviest traffic and ensure that I arrived on Exmoor during daylight hours. I needed to prepare myself mentally to face Darius again, and time to figure out what I would actually say to him, after so many months apart.

             
I wondered how I would feel when I laid eyes upon him again.  I had a clear picture in my mind, but now I knew how dangerous he could be, I wondered if I would see him differently.  Despite the potentially deadly situation, and all my feelings of apprehension, the thought of being with him was stimulating, in itself a bittersweet emotion, as my previous thoughts came back to haunt me, possibly he could be
very
angry.  My stomach tied itself in a knot for a few moments and then I firmly relegated that thought to the very back of my mind. I could do nothing to change his reaction to my decision. In lots of ways I felt better than I had in months, my mind seemed clearer, I had direction and for better or worse, I was following it.

             
Several miles outside London, I let out a sigh of relief.  I believed I could feel the moors coming closer, they and Ravens Deep beckoned to me, calling me back. With each mile that pull grew stronger. Perhaps Darius was calling to me, after all, it was where I belonged, in my heart I knew it and this time I wouldn’t leave, no matter what occurred.

             
The drive was long and tiring, but the thought of seeing Darius at the end of it kept my thoughts occupied for most of the journey.  As I drove across the wild landscape my feelings of elation were mixed with apprehension, but the beauty of the landscape all around me and the calling I felt, whether it was imagined or not, inspired me to continue.

             
Even the grey clouds overhead parted, to reveal rays of bright sunshine lighting the landscape and the way forward. The swirling mists that were often so apparent had lifted enough to reveal the grey and blue tones of the sea. It was an omen.

             
I eventually passed through Beaconmayes and as I read the village sign I suddenly felt very nervous. 

             
Am I doing the right thing?

             
Those ever present butterflies were beginning to tie themselves into tighter knots in my stomach. Common sense told me to turn around and go back to London, but my heart and every part of me that longed for him, whispered unrelenting in my ear and bade me continue. Deep down I knew that there was nothing on this earth that could make me turn around now. I was compelled to return to Ravens Deep and to Darius. I could no more resist him at this time than I could have done two years ago.

             
Within ten minutes I turned from the main road and swung the car into Rush Lane. The shrubs and trees had grown significantly in my absence, as the hedges encroached further onto the lane and long vines had twined themselves further around the trees, stifling their unsuspecting victims with their long tendril clutches. A large dangling branch obscured my immediate vision beyond its curtain of foliage, and I carefully negotiated my car around it. As I drove on, it heavily brushed the top of my car, and I looked into my rear view mirror to see it swing back into its original position. But my attention was forced forward, and I just had time to slam on the brakes and bring my car to an abrupt stop.

             
The metal farm gate that once stood open and pushed back into the hedgerow, was now firmly closed. 

             
I got out of the car and saw that a relatively new, heavy chain and padlock secured it in place. I lifted the padlock and pulled on it, but it remained well and truly locked. A lump formed in my throat and tears sprung to the back of my eyes, but I would not let them fall.

             
“You’ll have to do better than this Darius.”             

             
I pulled the car up to the gate, as near as it could possibly go without actually touching it and removed essential items and only what I could easily carry.  I locked the car, climbed over the gate and began walking to Ravens Deep.

             
Darius got my letter, he knew I would be here.  Did he really think a padlocked

gate
would deter me?
 

             
Rush Lane was long enough in a car, on foot it seemed endless.  Now, I was grateful for my decision to leave early in the morning and arrive in daylight.  The bags I carried felt as though they were getting heavier by the minute, and I regretted trying to carry so much with me. After twenty minutes or so, I finally came to the driveway that led to Ravens Farm.  The familiarity, made me quicken my pace, it wasn’t far now.  Several minutes later I rounded the corner and Ravens Deep stood before me in all its magnificence. It was just as beautiful as I had remembered.

             
I pushed open the front gate and put my bags down.  Nothing had changed, it was all as it once was. I walked to the porch, but there was no key. I was surprised, I knew this wouldn’t’t be an open invitation, but standing in the porch I suddenly felt reluctant as I gripped the door handle and silently prayed that it would open. It didn’t move at all -- well and truly locked.

             
Darius seemed to be sending a clear message for me to stay away, but he had refused to contact me in person to tell me that.  He knew I was stubborn and would return, I smiled to myself, it seemed to me that padlocked gates and locked doors were by way of a half-hearted protest on his part.  I refused to be intimidated, after all, I was here now and he would have to deal with that reality.

             
I walked around the outside of the house hoping that I might find an open window, or one that I could force open.  But after completing a full circle, I found myself in front of the ivy curtain.  I pulled the thick curtain aside to reveal the hidden door that I had found so many months ago.  I lifted the latch, predictably it was locked.

             
Was Darius was behind this door, could he sense my presence?

             
I let the ivy swing back into place and moved away debating whether I should wait in the garden until nightfall, or just break into the house. I did not want to wait around in the garden, especially as it got dark, I needed to take control of this situation and be prepared for what would arise later.

             
Breaking into houses looked so simple in movies, but in reality I found it impossible. Nothing would move even an inch, my only option was to break a window, and the downstairs bathroom seemed the smallest and easiest to repair or board up.

             
I should have brought tools.

             
Then I remembered my basic tool kit in the car, but the idea of walking all the way back to the car did not appeal to me right now, instead I looked around for something else, a rock maybe, but there were none to be found. Then I remembered the potting shed and made my way to it through the nettles and weeds.  Inside, I found the same old tools I had used long ago, and in the dim light I could also see an old metal garden rake and that seemed like a good implement to break glass. I took the rake, I made my way back to the doomed window. I aimed the rake at the window, closed my eyes, and then with all my strength I struck it hard into the glass. The shattering sound of glass

breaking
was a shock -- I had done it.  A mixture of relief and horror swept over me. 

             
What would Darius’s reaction be?

             
The scenario was getting worse by the minute, for I had gone against my promise and his warnings, and now to top it all, I had damaged part of his house.  I was concerned that he would be angry.

             
“What other choice did he leave me?” I reasoned, trying to justify my actions. I easily knocked the remaining broken fragments out of the frame, and removed any jagged edges with the rake.  I pulled myself up and through the window, and then eased myself down to half balance on the sink and bathtub. I moved slowly, trying to disperse my weight as much as possible, as I was unsure if the sink could support me, but it didn’t’t move and I lowered myself onto the bathroom floor.   

             
Once inside, everything was as I remembered, just as I had left it. I opened all the curtains and ran upstairs to what had been my bedroom. I looked around the room. The bed was now re-made with its original linens, but apart from that nothing had changed. My eyes at were at once drawn to the recess at the side of the dressing table and to the strange black window that I had wondered about all those months ago. What lay on the other side, and was Darius beyond, watching me even now?  I could feel nothing, no presence, no ghostly being, but Ravens Deep always seemed like a benign place during the day.

             
Perhaps he is sleeping. Did he sleep?

             
I checked the house from top to bottom, even in the library, every book was in its correct place. I busied myself with boarding up the bathroom window feeling a bit concerned that there was no evidence Darius had been in the house for a long time.

             
Nightfall came and I nervously paced around the living room waiting for the inevitable to happen.  I sat down several times with a book, but I could not sit still for long. The long evening passed into the dead of night and that steadily progressed into the early hours of the morning, and I expected Darius to appear at any moment. But he did not. 

             
Had Darius left Ravens Deep for good?
 

             
Logically my thoughts told me that this was his house and he would return.  He would know I was here, and I was determined that I would wait forever if that is what it took. But he had forever, I did not.