Ravens Deep (one) (15 page)

             
But, there was an underlying darkness in him that wasn’t easily observed and although he had mastered the art of keeping his emotions disguised, there were several occasions when I saw a disturbing change in his persona.  He would alter from being relaxed and attentive, to cold and dark in the course of a few minutes. Every relationship has its ups and downs, the emotional highs and lows, but with Darius I witnessed bizarre and strange extremes of his personality and at such times his coldness felt unbearable, but this unseen demon that tormented him could disappear just as quickly as it came and things would be back to normal for a while.  What hurt me most were the times that he would leave me abruptly and not return until the following evening.

             
A part of me desperately wanted to know what lay hidden in the depths of his soul, but another part was happy for him to reveal to me only what he wished, for I was well aware that there could be something terrifying there. 

             
Now, I wondered as on so many other occasions what our relationship was destined for.  Darius had a dark secret, one that he wished to conceal from me and although I was scared of just how awful it might be, I was certain in my love for him; I would have forgiven him anything.

             
Dark secrets aside, I did want more from him than he was prepared to give.  I was willing to give everything to him, my mind, body and soul if that was what it took.  Darius would hold my hand, caress my skin and entwine my hair in his fingers as though he were fascinated by it, but there was something sinister about the way he withdrew from me if I did get too close.

             
It reminded me of a courtship of long ago, stolen kisses and caresses in the briefest moments of solitude in an age old society.  Stolen looks across a room where the other occupants were blissfully unaware of certain chemistry between two lovers, but we were not lovers, there was no society or other occupants.  There was just Darius and myself and I longed for more, I craved a complete relationship with him.  

             
I felt that I couldn’t live without him in my life and I hoped he had the same feelings about me.  I could deal with his illness, but perhaps he couldn’t, it was the reason, I thought, he held back from me. Perhaps he did not wish to entangle me in his life of darkness, and apart from his occasional visits into the city, he didn’t see anyone here on Exmoor.  In fact he led a very remote and reclusive life. 

             
My life had changed, I could no longer concentrate for long periods of time, Darius was always at the forefront, I willed he days to pass quickly so that nightfall would come, and with it Darius. I was aware that my appearance had changed, and that I had lost weight from not eating properly, but I never seemed to get hungry anyway.  The relationship I had with Darius was all consuming. Nothing else mattered. It felt as though I had lived my life looking through a veil, but since meeting Darius that veil had lifted and my eyes were well and truly open.  With him life was worth living and the world was really an exciting place to be in, especially here at Ravens Deep.

             
I had spent many hours in Darius’s company and the stories he told were guarded, maybe he had not wanted to frighten me, alone in this old house. But as much as I tried to dismiss them, I still had my suspicions, that somehow he belonged to another place, another time and that thought seemed absurd, a notion straight out of a science fiction movie.  But there was a part of me that had to face the fact, something was not quite right!

             
I thought back to our first night together at Ravens Deep.

             
I did not see him take a single sip of wine, but the wine disappeared. 

             
Now I come to think of it, I could not recall him ever drinking anything since, but

maybe
this was all in my head. I had made my mind up that tonight I would confront Darius with my feelings. He would have to respond, and tell me how he felt, for better or worse, I simply had to know. 

             
It was early afternoon and I tried to work on my book, but today like so many days before, after picking it up I laid it to one side.  I really didn’t’t feel that well and spent the rest of the afternoon lying on the sofa with an old Victorian novel from the library. 

             
By eight-thirty in the evening there was the usual knock on the door. I had the strange sensation of butterflies in my stomach when I stood to answer it. Darius entered, instantly bewitching me once again with his usual charm. 

             
“Good evening Madeline,” he said leaning forward and kissing me lightly.

             
“Hello Darius,” I said casually, “I think the weather is cooling down at last.”

             
“Yes,” he answered, “it is a little cooler out tonight.”

             
We walked into the living room and sat down together on the sofa as usual. It suddenly occurred to me that we did this routine every night. I would hand him a glass of wine and he would pretend to drink it.  We would talk and he would reveal to me another tale, appealing to the senses of my mind, some hours later he would kiss me briefly and leave. Occasionally he would leave for the city and predictably return two nights later and the routine would begin again.

             
All these thoughts ran through my head in detail and I must have become quite absorbed as I was suddenly aware that Darius had spoken my name.  His voice abruptly pulled me from my considerations.

             
“Sorry, I was miles away,” I said meeting his eyes with mine.

             
“I had asked if you were feeling well,” he repeated. “You look very pale.”

             
  “Yes, I am fine,” I replied, a little too quickly.  He was studying me and I could feel his eyes burning into mine and my skin suddenly felt extremely warm.  I stood up and moved to a different seat, away from Darius. My actions surprised him, but I lowered my eyes and stared at the fabric of the sofa as I began to speak.

             
“Darius, I need to talk to you,” I said.

             
“What is it Madeline?” Darius was leaning forward now, and there was concern in his voice. I glanced at him briefly.

             
“Please let me speak and don’t say anything until I have finished. This is really difficult for me.”

             
“Very well,” he sat back.  “Go ahead.”  I took a deep breath.

             
“From the moment I first met you and each day since, I have felt a certain connection between us.  A force compelling me to be with you.  All these weeks it has been growing stronger and now I am in a place of no return.” I paused briefly and still refused to meet his eyes in case I faltered. My skin felt flushed and was getting hotter by the moment, but I continued.  “You ask about my days.  .  . my days are filled with constant thoughts of you. I once said that I did not wish to know everything about you, and I know you have secrets you want to keep from me, but I don’t care what you have done or what you are, I only know I cannot exist without you and I want to be with you all the time.” I glanced up at him.  His eyes seemed to have developed an intense emerald hue.  I sat staring at him, and caught up in my own emotion, I willed him to speak, to say something, anything, but he remained silent.  Taking the initiative, I got up and went to him.  I knelt on the floor and took his cold hands in my own.

             
“Darius, tell me you feel the same.  Tell me I have not imagined this connection and that this chemistry that exists between us is real,” I pleaded.

             
For a moment I did not recognize the man that sat in front of me, I could feel his pain. I saw the emotional conflict within his eyes, and it warned me that a wicked inclination tormented his mind and at this moment it was struggling to surface.

             
The atmosphere in the room was tense, almost sinister and I was on edge waiting for his reaction, and aware of the darkness building within him, as my mind tried to decipher an unspoken dialogue that I had witnessed before.  Something, somewhere within myself told me to be afraid and a bitter chill passed through my body. 

             
Regardless of these strange perceptions, my gaze never wavered from his.  Then I

witnessed
gentleness behind the darkness, and my apprehension dissolved. He finally spoke, holding me spellbound with his eyes.

             
“Madeline, from the moment I first saw you, I have desired to be by your side.  You have opened my eyes to living again. I see what delights you, and I feel the passion within you, but you have also made me aware of how empty my life is.  How dark and tragic it has become and how dark I could make yours.”

             
“But Darius,” I interrupted, feeling confused by his words.  “It is not empty, you have me and together we can work out any problem that exists.” 

             
Suddenly he pulled me to him and his lips were covering mine. He kissed me fiercely and I responded with passion, but it was a kiss unlike any other. His chilled lips sent a shiver through me and I felt a hunger in him. A longing that equally excited and terrified me. He finally released me and held me away from him.

             
“Forgive me,” he said. I saw his look of horror, and it confused my every emotion.

             
“There is nothing to forgive,” I said breathlessly, trying to ignore his look. “Darius, stay with me tonight, don’t leave me.”  He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.  His eyes snapped open.

             
“No, I cannot . . . I can’t be with you right now.”

             
“What do you mean?” I began. Darius rose from the sofa and brushed me aside.

             
“I have to leave,” he said urgently.

             
“But you’ve only just got here.”  I had a terrible feeling that I had misread the situation, I tried to remain calm, but I was upset and even more confused by his reaction. “Darius please tell me what’s wrong? . . . I have to know.  Or I can come with you and . . .”

             
“No Madeline,” he said abruptly, “where I go you cannot follow.”

             
Darius went to the front door and without a backward glance silently disappeared into the shadows of the night. I was distraught.

             
What had I done that was so terrible? Why did he react like that and where exactly was he going?
 

             
I sank down to the floor with the tears running down my face, in his kiss I knew that he loved me. I shook my head in disbelief, how could he possibly make my life any darker. It was in darkness without him.

Chapter Eleven - Opium Dreams

             
I awoke the next morning in a daze, after an extremely disturbed night, during

which
my sleep had been fitful and nightmarish.  Now, I felt barely alive. My skin was on fire, but I was thoroughly chilled. It felt as though all my energy had been drained from my body.

             
My thoughts were of Darius and his reaction, and I failed to understand it completely and why he left so abruptly, especially since I had plucked up the courage to tell him my innermost feelings.  And if he didn’t want me, then why had he kissed me like that, with such passion. I felt sick to my stomach, this situation was worse than when my mother had died, I felt lonely and empty and as if nothing would ever be right with the world again.

             
I drifted unhappily through the rest of the day, the weakness continued and I felt that I should eat something as I had hardly eaten for days now.  But my thoughts were muddled, like a thick fog in my head, something was wrong with me. Maybe the house, the ghost or Darius was slowly driving me mad. Maybe I was just delirious.

             
I searched through the pantry.  There were a few tins of various foods, but there labels did not appeal to me, and I couldn’t face any of them.  Instead, I settled for some dry crackers, and hoped they would take away the feeling of nausea. 

             
I managed to force down a few crackers and then rushed to the sink where I was

violently
sick. My forehead felt hot with fever, in fact, it felt strangely detached from the rest of my body.  I made some tea instead, and lay down on the sofa sipping it, and that was where I remained for most of the day. 

             
I felt as though I was floating out of my body and a strange sensation of nothing

being
real anymore, all the while, the voices in my head replayed the conversation and events of the night before. Would Darius even come to see me tonight, I thought he might not, he could just leave me here and ignore my existence completely. Chaos and confusion spun around my troubled mind.