Raw Deal (Beauty for Ashes: Book One) (43 page)

“Why not? We can relax on the beach and wear those flower things around our necks. I thought you’d love that.”

“Um, no. How about London?”

“And Liverpool?”

“No, just London.”

Carl squeezed my shoulder. “Okay, London it is.”

“Great.”

“Are you okay?” Carl asked. I knew he expected more enthusiasm from me, but I couldn’t help feeling anxious about the fact that the baby might not be his.

“I’m just a bit tired.” I lied.

I regretted it, because Carl made me go to bed.

Chapter 52

The date for our marriage ceremony rapidly approached. I wanted to tell Carl about the possibility of the baby being Dan’s and not his, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He was so happy and excited. And he was treating me the best he had ever treated me. I just couldn’t ruin it.

My mom was shocked about my sudden decision to get married. She thought we should slow down, but I told her there was nothing to worry about, that Carl and I were happy. I denied it when she asked if I was pregnant, which was silly because she was going to find out soon anyway, and she’d only have to do a quick calculation to work out I’d gotten pregnant before the wedding.

She took me shopping for a wedding dress, and I was glad that my stomach was still flat. No one could tell that I was pregnant, and my mom didn’t notice anything. We found a beautiful white Reem Acra dress; simple yet elegant. I couldn’t afford it, so I was willing to let it go. But my mom splashed out.

After shopping, my mom took me for a late lunch. “I appreciate this,” I told her over a grilled chicken sandwich and a glass of orange juice. “Thanks for pulling yourself away from work to shop with me.”

“Don’t thank me; it’s no problem at all.” She ran a finger along the rim of her coffee cup. “But I’m still not happy about all this.”

“Why? Carl and I will be fine.”

“Do you love him?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t be marrying him if I didn’t.”

“Well, I find that hard to believe.”

“Well, it’s true.”

“Lexi, if there’s another guy out there that you’d rather be with than Carl, then you shouldn’t marry him.”

I rolled my eyes. I knew she’d bring up Dan. “There’s no one I’d rather be with than Carl.”

“Not even Dan? Not even Jace?”

I was annoyed now. Why couldn’t she just be happy for me? “Mom, I want to be with Carl. I’ve been with him for about a year now, and we’ve been living together for a while. I know we’ll be fine.”

My mom looked surprised. “You didn’t tell me you lived with Carl.”

Yeah, that was because she would have freaked out about it.

“Lexi, why not finish college first before you think about marriage.”

“Mom,” I said wearily. “This is what Carl and I want. We want to get married now.”

“Marriage is such a big commitment, Lexi. I don’t think you’re ready for it.”

“Mom, we’re getting married,” I said, a hard finality to my voice. My mom looked upset, but it was my life, and it was my decision to make. I was going to do what I wanted to do.

“Well, I’m not in support of it at all. You’re both so young, and I don’t see what the big rush is about.”

I didn’t need my mom’s support. I’d never had her attention, and so I didn’t want her dictating my life.

***

I woke up early on the day of my wedding and went home to my mom’s place to get ready. When I got outside, I couldn’t believe the way the rain was lashing down. How could it rain on my wedding day? The biggest day of my life! If I were superstitious, I’d think it was a sign.

I wondered if I was making a mistake. Did I love Carl enough to vow to be his wife forever? I knew that whoever I married, I didn’t ever want it to end in divorce. Would Carl and I make it? Would our relationship work? What if the baby looked like Dan?

I shook my head, as if the physical action would shake the doubts from my mind. Carl and I would be fine. And as for the baby, I’d jump that hurdle when I got to it.

My mom was up and had breakfast ready when I arrived. As I munched on toast, bacon and eggs, a lump rose in my throat. I tried to swallow it, but as my mind raced with all sorts of apprehensive thoughts, my eyes filled with tears that I couldn’t hold back.

My mom came around the table to hug me. “Having second thoughts? You know it’s not too late to back out.”

Back out? I couldn’t do that. After all the preparations we’d made, the honeymoon in London and everything; it was impossible to back out now. It wouldn’t be right.

“Talk to me,” my mom said, giving me a tissue. “What’s the matter?”

“Just last minute nerves, I guess.”

“You can always call Carl and tell him you want to wait a bit longer.”

“No, I’m okay.”

My mom looked disappointed. She returned to her seat. “Well, eat up, and we’ll start getting you ready.”

***

I walked into the registry office, knowing that my perfectly groomed physical appearance did not reflect my inner turmoil. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror as an usher led my mom and I to the room where the ceremony would take place. I looked so princessy and bridal, but inside I felt like the Wicked Witch of the West.

My heart constricted when I thought of my dad. If there was a heaven, maybe he was looking down on me. My eyes filled with tears again, and I blinked rapidly.
Dad, I really miss you. Why did you have to go?

My mom looked at me. “Lexi?”

“Sorry, Mom. I’m thinking about Dad.”

My mom looked sad. “So am I.”

We paused in the reception for a few minutes while I collected myself, and then we entered the room. I gripped my mom’s arm tight.

The room fell silent as we walked in. Carl’s family clapped politely, and then everyone sat down. He’d invited aunts, uncles, and cousins. The only people present from my family were my mom and Aunt Milly who was sitting next to Carl’s mom. My mom had wanted me to invite my grandmother too, but I had refused. She was a bitter old woman, and she wouldn’t like Carl anyway, because he wasn’t Cuban.

I took my position beside Carl at the Lilly covered altar. He looked handsome in his black tux and bow tie. Neither of us had seen what the other was wearing until now. Carl smiled at me, and I felt my fears subside. Everything was going to be okay.

The priest came to lead us through our vows, and I listened as Carl said his “I do,” and then repeated the vows after the priest.

Then the priest turned to me. As he read the vows, my head spun, and my breakfast churned in my stomach. I closed my eyes. I wasn’t going to throw up. I concentrated on the words he was reading.

For better or for worse.
Could I really commit to ‘have and hold’ Carl no matter what?

In sickness and in health.
Would I still love Carl if he was in a terrible accident and had to be cared for?

Till death do us part
. Was I willing to stay with Carl for the rest of my life, until I died? That was a long time. What if I met someone else?

The minister cleared his throat. “If you do, please say ‘I do’,” he said.

I opened my eyes and realized that he had already said that twice, and people were shifting uneasily in their seats. Carl nudged me. I looked at him apologetically. “I do.”

Carl heaved a sigh of relief and squeezed my hand.

“By the powers vested in me, I pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride,” the priest declared.

The spectators cheered as we kissed, and I told myself to relax. I loved Carl, and I had made it through the ceremony. Now all I had to do was pose for the pictures, and then we could be off to Mykonos for our honeymoon and my photoshoot.

***

I stared out of the airplane window from my first class seat. Sheena had booked Economy, but Carl had upgraded us. The glass of wine I was drinking was doing nothing to calm me. Carl had reluctantly allowed me the drink as it was our wedding day, but he was concerned that it would affect the baby. I was sick of him harping on about the baby all the time. His excitement about it was starting to get on my nerves. It was all well and good for him to be excited. He wasn’t the one that was going to lose his figure and undergo a painful labor.

“What are you thinking?” Carl asked me, releasing his seatbelt as the plane leveled.

“Nothing really. I can’t believe we’re married.”

“I know. It hasn’t sunk in for me yet either.”

I thought about my mom. She had been crying when we left. She thought I was making a terrible mistake. I hated to be the reason for her tears, but Carl made me happy. He filled some of the emptiness in my life, and I was prepared to do whatever it would take to make our marriage work.

Chapter 53

The day after Carl and I returned from our honeymoon, I sat in Dr. Paula’s office bawling like a baby. I balled up tissue after tissue as Dr. Paula let me cry for a while before the session began. When I was ready, I looked up. I was sure my eyes were red and my face blotchy and puffy. I gave her a watery smile. “I look terrible, don’t I?”

“Why are you crying?” Dr. Paula asked, tactfully avoiding the question.

“I don’t really know. I’m hoping you can help me work that out.”

“Okay. Have there been any changes in your life since you last came?”

“I’m married now.”

Dr. Paula looked surprised for a moment, but it was swiftly replaced with her expressionless face. “To Carl?”

“Yes, we just got back from our honeymoon yesterday.”

“Oh, where did you go?”

“Mykonos, then London. It was really good.”

Dr. Paula leafed through a file of notes, and I felt a certain discomfort. So I had a file now. I really was a psycho!

“Last time you came, you expressed some concern about Carl’s fidelity. Have these been resolved?”

“Yeah, I was just being suspicious I think.”

“Last time you came, you didn’t mention that you were getting married.”

“Well, we weren’t. It kind of just came out of the blue.”

“I see.” Dr. Paula shut the file and sat straighter in her chair. “Did anything happen that acted as a catalyst to your marriage?”

I paused. I hadn’t been honest with my own mother, but here I was about to pour my heart out to a total stranger. “Yeah, I’m pregnant.”

“Ah.” The file opened, and Dr. Paula scribbled away.

“But the baby might not be Carl’s, and that’s really starting to worry me.”

“I take it Carl doesn’t know that.”

“No, he doesn’t.” I rubbed my eyes and took a deep breath. My head was starting to hurt.

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know. Do you think Carl will know if it’s not his?”

“Well, I suppose it’s possible to get away with it, but you need to think about whether you want to live with a secret like that. And how about the child? Do you think the child will have the right to know who his or her real father is?”

“I haven’t thought about that,” I admitted.

“Well, you go and think about it, make a decision, and then come back, and we’ll talk about it.”

“Okay.” I scheduled another appointment for next week.

When I got home, Carl asked where I’d been.

“I had enough of sitting at home, so I just went for a drive.”

“I’m supposed to go on another two-day seminar next week, but I’m thinking I’ll cancel.”

“Why?”

“I need to be with you.”

“I’ll be fine for two days, Carl.”

Carl looked uncertain. “Are you sure?”

“Of course. When do you leave?”

“Monday night. And I come back on Wednesday night.” Carl touched my cheek. “You’ve been crying.”

“Yeah, I felt a bit sick.”

Carl immediately packed me off to bed. I felt so guilty as he lovingly tucked me in. He didn’t know I was a liar and a cheat. I wondered what he would do if he ever found out.

I told him to go back to the den and watch TV. After I assured him for the umpteenth time that I would be okay, he went.

What was I going to do? Was I going to have this baby and live this lie? The baby wasn’t even born yet, but already the deception was eating me up like nothing else ever had. Could I survive this for the rest of my life?

I should have told Carl that it might not be his from the beginning. I could have just told him that I’d been with Dan before we got back together. Or better yet, I shouldn’t have told him about it at all. I should just have had the abortion, and he would never have known I was ever pregnant.

The next day, I stayed home from my classes. I told Carl that I didn’t feel good, and he wanted to stay home with me, but I insisted that he go to his classes. I was glad he obeyed, because when the mail came, I had another letter from the abortion clinic.

All morning, I fretted agitatedly. I couldn’t go ahead with this pregnancy, never mind the childbirth. There were so many reasons. I was too young. I was a model. The child might not be Carl’s. I just wasn’t emotionally or psychologically ready. It was a responsibility I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope with, and so on.