Ray of Light (5 page)

When Regina finally took a breath, Marlene took Regina's free hand and walked over to them. “Hello, Amanda. You said you were going to stay at the
haus
today. And that Regina was going to be with a friend.”

“Some of our plans changed, though we do still hope to see Lindy later today. Um, Marlene, please meet Roman Keim. Roman, this is Marlene Yoder. My mother-in-law.”

Roman was already standing up. “Nice to meet you.”

Cool blue eyes looked him over before nodding, and then deliberately ignoring him. “Amanda, what in the world is going on?”

“We're eating ice cream.”

“That is not what I meant.” Her lips pursed, then she continued. “Why don't you and Regina come with me to lunch?”

“
Danke
, but no. As you can see, we're eating ice cream,” she protested lightly. “Plus, we have other things planned.”

“We do?” Regina asked. “What are we doing?”

“We have a play date with Lindy, of course.”

As she'd hoped, the news brought a bright smile to her daughter's face. “I like Lindy.”

“And she likes you, dear.” Turning to her mother-in-law, she said, “It was nice to see you, Marlene, but I'm afraid we're going to continue with our plans.”

“Plans.”

“
Jah
. We're going to be fairly busy the rest of the day,” she said firmly. Getting to her feet, she said, “Roman, let's go ahead and take that walk to the park you told me about.”

Luckily, he nodded, like he had any idea what she was talking about. “Whatever you want is fine with me. It's a great walk.” Bending slightly, he smiled at her daughter. “Regina, are you ready?”

“Uh-huh.”

Amanda liked how he called her daughter over. Even more, she liked how Regina answered with a happy smile. For a moment, they looked like a family. And though it hurt to think that she could be in a family without Wesley, it didn't hurt quite as badly as she had thought it would.

“Amanda, I will call you this afternoon. We'll talk then.”

“If I'm home, I guess we will. Good day, Marlene.”

Roman blinked, then reached for Regina's hand. “Let's go to the park.”

“Yay!” Regina exclaimed, just as if they did this all the time.

Amanda found herself smiling, too, as they walked down the boardwalk, the three of them a little unit. It felt nice. Almost perfect.

All she had to do was not think about how much she'd just upset her mother-in-law.

And how for just for a moment, she hadn't cared.

Chapter Six

“Viola, another letter came for you today,” Nancy called out when Viola entered the staff room at Daybreak to have lunch. “I put it on the corner of my desk.”

“
Danke
.” Eagerly, Viola ran to the front office and snatched up the letter that was, indeed, waiting for her on the receptionist's desk. Though her family thought it was silly, she'd begun to ask Edward to mail some of his letters to her at Daybreak. Otherwise, every letter she received was commented upon. Sometimes she just wanted to read Ed's letters in private.

Because no one was there to see, she ran her finger over her neatly printed name and address on the envelope, thinking how Edward had written it all just days ago.

Then, feeling giddy and more than a little self-conscious, she quickly walked to one of the cozy conversational areas down the hall to read his latest note from Belize.

The irony of her actions didn't escape her. For almost a year before she and Ed had met in person, she'd been practically forced to listen to every one of Ed's letters. His father, Atle, had received each one with pride, and had eagerly shared his son's news with everyone and anyone—whether they'd expressed a desire to hear about Edward's mission work or not.

But while Atle had glowed with pride about his son's work, Viola had inwardly seethed. Accustomed to managing everyone and everything around her, she'd been sure Ed should have put his father's needs first and stayed in Berlin. For some reason, everything that Ed had written about his hard work in Nicaragua had struck her as selfish.

Now, she realized that she'd taken a bunch of misconceptions about Ed and had wrapped them in a tight ball of self-righteousness.

But a funny thing had happened when she and Ed had met—sparks had flown between them, right about the time that she'd realized that she'd jumped to conclusions that weren't right at all. Before long, she'd fallen for his good looks and charming ways.

The next thing she knew, they were trading barbs and flirting with each other. And not too long after that?

They'd been falling in love.

No one had been happier about the new developments than Atle, of course. The gregarious, opinionated old man loved his son and wanted him happy. He'd thought all along that the two of them would make a good couple, and it looked as if he'd been right.

He'd loved pointing that out, too.

Now she and Ed were engaged. After much discussion, they'd agreed that, though it would be difficult, they would have to live apart for six months. That would give Ed time to concentrate on his new job as director of Christian Aid Ministries Association's mission in Belize.

It also gave her family time to plan the wedding she'd always dreamed of, and, of course, it gave her time to get used to the big changes that were happening in her life. In just a few short months, she, too, would be traveling to another country. This time, as a missionary's wife. It was thrilling and nerve-wracking, too.

Moving far away from her whole family scared her. And, in the middle of the night, when she rolled over in bed and spied her twin sister Elsie across the room on her own bed, Viola wasn't even sure if her heart would be able to stand living so far away from her sister. They were closer than close, and added to that was how much Viola worried about Elsie's illness. Elsie's sight was steadily becoming worse, and Viola knew it was just a matter of time before Elsie was going to be blind.

Sometimes Viola doubted every decision she'd recently made. She wondered how she was ever going to be able to leave her family for the brand-new love of a man who she'd really only spent a few weeks with.

But then she'd get a phone call or a letter from Ed and all her worries would fade away and she'd realize that what was happening was meant to happen. She and Edward were meant to be together, and she couldn't prioritize everyone else's happiness above her own.

Satisfied that she was completely alone, she opened the envelope and carefully unfolded the letter.

 

Dear Viola,

Have I told you about the pretty sunsets over the ocean?

 

She'd just begun to smile when Gretta, Ed's little dachshund that was now the retirement home's unofficial mascot, trotted over. As if she read Viola's mind, she curled around Viola's feet . . . just like she, too, was anxious to hear more about her former owner.

Happy to have Gretta's quiet comfort, Viola scooped up the dog and set her next to her on the couch.

Gretta wagged her tail, obviously pleased with the special treatment.

“Just imagine, Gretta. In a week, I'll be going to visit Ed and we'll be watching the sunsets over the ocean together. Won't that be something?”

With a dreamy sigh, she continued to read.

 

I've begun walking to the beach on Friday nights with two other men from the mission. We rush to make it there just before the sun begins its descent. Once there, we take off our work boots and roll up our pant legs and walk on the sand, letting the warm grains underfoot ease our tired, sore feet. Then, we step into the warm, salty water and enjoy the sensation of complete relaxation.

When the sun starts to set, we sit on an old cement embankment. It's cracked and worn, but makes a perfect perch to watch the sun slowly glide into the sea, marking the end of another day. And another week.

 

Viola grinned and rubbed the dog behind her ears before continuing to read.

 

It's moments like that when I miss you the most, Viola. When I have time to breathe deep and count my blessings. It's then that I realize that having you here will only help me—and the people we serve, too. You've become a part of me that I miss when I'm without you.

Once the sun sets and the orange and red waves turn dark again, we hike back to the mission's compound, feeling refreshed and ready to tackle whatever comes our way again. I know when you are here, too, I'll even be feeling more at ease. I feel certain that we'll have a wonderful life here together, V. I promise I'll do everything I can to make it so.

 

Viola felt her eyes become damp with unshed tears as she once again contemplated what her life would have been like if she'd never given him a chance. If she'd never given herself the opportunity to learn and grow and change. If she'd only let her common sense guide her . . . instead of her heart.

But, of course, it was no secret what would have happened. She would have continued to be alone and self-centered. But most of all, she would have been fighting off the feeling that there was something more for her out there . . . if she wasn't afraid to go out and look.

“I'm so lucky and blessed, Gretta. So lucky, so blessed.”

And with that, Gretta snuggled closer and closed her eyes, reminding Viola that the little dog had been abandoned and was living alone outside in the elements before Edward had brought her into his life.

Funny, though Viola had been living with her family, she too, felt as if her life had become better under Edward's care. He'd become her comfort, her own particularly vibrant ray of light.

 

Regina had fallen asleep while playing with her stuffed animals on the floor. Amanda lightly covered her with a thin blanket, then quietly tiptoed outside, leaving the glass sliding door ajar in case Regina woke with a start and needed her.

As was her habit, she brought out her crochet hook, intending to work on her latest project—a shawl for Wesley's grandmother's birthday. But she couldn't seem to persuade herself to pull out the yarn.

No, all she seemed to want to do was sit in the sun and spend a few moments enjoying the solitude.

“Which is what a vacation is for, you goose,” she murmured to herself. “You're supposed to read and relax. Not work on your to-do list.”

Hearing her own voice, Amanda winced. When had she begun to talk to herself, anyway? When she got engaged? Pregnant with Regina?

It had been when she'd been sitting by Wesley's bedside in the hospital, of course.

When he'd fallen into an uneasy slumber—on account of the many medicines he'd been given to combat the pain of the disease—she'd begun talking to him. Telling him about her day. About every little thing that Regina did.

Then, just to have something to talk about, she'd start telling him stories about her childhood. Over time, she'd begun to talk aloud just to help herself deal with all the sadness that had welled up inside her. She'd felt like she had to talk about everything; otherwise, it would get stuck inside and make her sick, too.

And she'd already been so very tired and heartsick.

Wesley's decline had lasted for months. Long enough for her chatty vigils to become a habit. After his death, she'd taken to talking to herself when she'd known she was alone. The habit felt comforting to her in a strange way. It was now something she was used to.

But living without Wesley? That was something she wasn't used to at all.

Now, she realized with a start, things had changed again. After two years, the daily emptiness that had been her constant companion had slowly abated. Oh, the pain was still there, but it wasn't as sharp or obtrusive as it used to be.

Now, missing Wesley wasn't the first thing she experienced in the morning, or the last thing she thought of before she went to sleep. She no longer thought about him every waking moment, instead thinking of him at odd times. His memory no longer brought her to tears, and she'd begun to remember their life together in a distant, almost melancholy way.

Though this transition wasn't something she was altogether comfortable with, Amanda certainly welcomed the relief. For so long she'd felt like a woman twice her age.

“Being a widow isn't for the faint of heart,” she told herself. On the heels of that, she remembered an old saying of her aunt's: There is no strength where there is no struggle.

That saying had a lot of truth to it.

But sometimes, even the truth didn't bring the sort of comfort she craved.

Oh, but she hated these bouts of depression! What she needed to do was think of her blessings.

“You have Regina,” she said out loud. She had Wesley's family, too. And even though Marlene was determined to keep Amanda wrapped in grief, she'd always been there for her, and that was a blessing.

Her own family was still back in Pennsylvania. And though she loved them, they'd been distant witnesses to everything she'd gone through with her husband. Never had she considered moving near them.

But now, for the first time, she wondered what she was giving up by embracing only her past with Wesley.

“You should call and write your family more often. And while you're at it, pray about your fear of moving on, Amanda,” she told herself sternly. “Every time you try to give up another part of your life with Wesley, it's brought you to tears. Why, it took you six months to even take his clothes out of the house.”

The memory of boxing his clothes still made her cringe. It had taken her almost three hours to pack one large box, and almost another one to carefully seal the box with packing tape.

Just when she was about to scold herself a little more, she noticed Roman walking on the beach with a dog, of all things. The shaggy yellow dog was darting along the shoreline, sniffing the sand, scampering into the water, then rushing out with surprising speed.

Intrigued, she walked to the white picket fence and leaned her elbows along the top of it.

Roman held the dog's leash with one hand, but gave the animal enough leeway so that he could race around exuberantly. He'd run to the waves, then dart back out and shake vigorously, spraying water everywhere, like a wayward sprinkler.

Then, next thing she knew, the dog was back in the waves, dipping its nose in, darting here and there, barking happily.

He was a furry, soggy, noisy mess.

And Roman looked as if he was enjoying every minute of its company.

She was mesmerized by the dog playing in the water and by Roman's lack of concern about getting wet or sandy. Suddenly, she ached to be so carefree, so unbound by rules of propriety, or by responsibility. She yearned to be completely happy—exuberant. If only for a moment.

She realized with a start that it didn't matter if her conscience told her to be more careful with her heart—she simply wanted to be happy.

As Roman stopped almost directly in front of her, Amanda also realized she'd become attracted to Roman Keim. Why else would her heart have started beating a little bit faster . . . just because he was around?

In fact, she was so mesmerized . . . she was struck silent. Fancy that.

When the dog barked again, then darted after a crab, Roman laughed. Standing there watching, Amanda chuckled, too.

Roman looked her way, paused, and raised a hand.

Without thinking, she called out, “You've got yourself quite a dog there!”

“You don't know the half of it!” he called back with a grin, then got yanked as the shaggy dog practically galloped into an approaching wave.

“Watch out!” Amanda cried out with a laugh.

And managed to wake Regina up from her nap.

“Momma?” she asked as she sleepily sat up. “Who are you yelling at? And is that a dog barking?”

“I was yelling at Roman. He's walking a dog. Well, it's kind of walking him.”

Scrambling to her feet, Regina walked to the open door and peered out to where Amanda was looking, then gazed at the pair in wonder.

“Momma, how did he get a dog? Where did it come from?”

“I have no idea.” As the dog scampered back into the water, then shook himself, making the coarse-looking golden fur stand on end, Amanda said, “But it sure looks like a happy dog, doesn't it?”

“Uh-huh.” With wide eyes, she added, “Mamm, do you think we could go see it?”