Rayne's Return (Hearts of ICARUS Book 3) (15 page)

“I do not understand,”
Wolef said. 

“Please, Wolef, I really want to leave them out of this,”
Rayne said.  “
I’ll come back here with Salene, find the
Facility
, and vaporize it.”

“I do not think this is a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’ve told me already that your sister has a talent for feeling those she loves, and yet she has not found you.”

Rayne’s stomach did a slow roll of fear. 
“You think something has happened to her.”

“I think it’s a possibility that should not be ignored,”
Wolef replied.
  “I propose that you call Salene so that I can duplicate it.  Then I will send out calls to both your bears, and your sister.”

“Thank you, Wolef,”
she said. 
“Will it take too much extra energy for you to do that?”

“No,
Solin
, it will not,”
Wolef said. 
“Go ahead now and call to your sister.”

Chapter 7

Rayne held up her favorite work-out leotard and frowned as she thought of how pale, thin, and scarred she was, and how little the leotard would hide.  On the up side, less than twenty four hours had passed since the Tigrens had healed her, and she was frankly amazed at how much better she felt.  She thought she even looked a bit better already.  At least the whites of her eyes were actually white now.  As for the scars…well, all she could do about those was learn to live with them.

She returned the leotard to the drawer and selected a pair of black stretch pants instead.  She opened another drawer and reached for a t-shirt, pausing as her fingers touched the cotton.  Had Landor’s t-shirt really been so much softer than her own?  Or did it just seem that way?  She looked over her shoulder at the bottom drawer of the bedside table where she’d put Landor’s t-shirt when she’d made up the bed, but resisted the urge to take it out for comparison.  Instead, she removed her shirt from the drawer and raised it to her face, inhaling deeply.  Her shirt smelled like cotton.  His shirt smelled a little like cotton, but also of oak and lime.  Like he smelled.  Like all three of them smelled, in fact.  Con smelled a bit more of oak, and Ari a bit more of lime.  Not a lot, but enough for her to know the difference between them without having to think about it.  

“What am I doing?”
she asked herself.  She shook her head and closed the drawer a bit harder than strictly necessary. 
“Thinking about the Bearen-Hirus is on the to-do list for later,”
she told herself firmly as she changed out of her pajamas, then sat down to put on her sneakers.  Her stomach rumbled but she’d already drunk one glass of
sasuna
.  What she wanted now was real food, but it would have to wait.  Exercise first, breakfast later. 

She stood up and walked to the door, unable to stop herself from wondering when the Bearen-Hirus generally woke up and where they might be.  Her heart skipped a beat before she reminded herself that, since Landor told her that her room was protected and safe, they probably weren’t going to be in the corridor outside.

“Whether they are or aren’t, it doesn’t matter,”
she told herself firmly. 
“I’m not a prisoner, I want to use the treadmill, and I don’t need anyone’s permission to leave this room.”
  She raised her full shield, turned the door knob, and pulled the door open, releasing a slow breath when she saw that the corridor was empty.

Thanks to the vid-terminal in her room she knew exactly where the equipment room was, and how to get to it.  She walked slowly, took the stairs instead of the elevator, and kept close to the wall, but she didn’t see anyone else along the way.  A few minutes later she was walking on a treadmill in an otherwise vacant equipment room, feeling proud of herself even though she still had her shield fully up.  While she walked, she let her mind wander.

Her mother hadn’t exaggerated when she’d reminded Rayne that she’d spent her entire life dreaming of the day she would finally meet her Rami.  It was true, and she didn’t mind admitting it.  But it was also true that dreams didn’t always work out the way you expected, and just because something was
meant
to be, didn’t mean it
would
be.

Arima House, the place where confirmed
berezis
went to find their future Rami, was on Dracon Ranch, and had been one of her favorite places to spend time when she was a child.  She loved watching male-sets and
berezis
meet each other for the first time, which literally happened almost daily at Arima House.  But, while it was true that most of them fell in love and went happily off to link with each other, there were exceptions. 

She’d seen women take one look at their destined male-set and run for the first transport home.  She’d seen male-sets choose to spend the remainder of their lives alone and childless rather than link with the one woman destined for them.  And, perhaps worst of all, she’d seen women and male-sets who had no liking for each other decide to link anyway on the premise that, since they were destined, they’d eventually find a way to make it work. 

Rayne accepted that there were no guarantees.  Some people just didn’t hit it off with other people and it didn’t matter if they were
supposed
to be together or not.  She’d decided years earlier that if such a thing happened to her, she’d fulfill her dreams of having lots of children through adoption instead.  She would never commit herself to a lifelong relationship with anyone that she didn’t love, or who didn’t love her. 

So, the first and most important questions were, could the Bearen-Hirus ever love her as she was?  And could she love them?

They’d hurt her feelings.  A lot.  But, she also had to admit that their actions since finding her on the mesa had been all that any woman could ask of her Rami-to-be.  They’d been kind, gentle, considerate, and protective.  Had all of that just been a Clan Jasani male-set’s protective nature toward any woman in distress?  Or was there more to it? 

She wanted to think there was more to it, but it wasn’t easy when she knew that they’d avoided her for four years.  Their explanation for what they’d done, and why, had made sense, and Con’s apology had seemed sincere. 

On the other hand, they’d admitted that they’d only responded to her scent once.  She’d never heard of such a thing, and wasn’t sure what to think of it, but she supposed it had something to do with why they weren’t sexually attracted to her.  She still didn’t know how she knew that, but she was sure of it.  There’d been a few times, when Landor had brushed his fingers on her hand or cheek that she’d sensed…something…, but it was gone too fast for her to be sure.  There’d also been a few instances when she thought she’d felt attracted to them, and she definitely liked the way they looked, but again, she didn’t really know anything for certain, and that bothered her too.  These things were supposed to be instantaneous and absolute.  Weren’t they?  Maybe there was something wrong with her.

They needed to get to know each other, she decided.  They had to see her as she truly was, and she needed to find out who they were, too.  Once they got to know each other, then they could decide what to do next.

By the time she’d made her decision she’d walked half a mile, and her legs were trembling.  Half a mile wasn’t very much, but it was a start, and she was pleased with herself.  She turned off the treadmill and sat down, resting until the trembling stopped.  The walk back to her room was a little harder than the walk out had been since this time she climbed
up
the stairs.  She had to stop several times to rest, but she was determined not to use the elevator.  When she reached her room she went inside and locked it behind her before letting her shield down enough that she could be seen, while still hiding her emotions.

***

“That was…odd,” Con said, stepping into the hall a few moments after Rayne closed and locked her door. 

“What was odd?” Landor asked from his own doorway.

“The camera showed her door opening, then closing, but there was no sign of her or anyone else.  Just like earlier.  The alarm went off again too.”

Landor nodded as he glanced at his hand terminal.  He’d heard the alarm himself, which was why he’d opened his door.  “We need to check that alarm system.”

“I’ll do it later,” Con said.  “When she’s finished being angry with us.”

“What makes you so sure she’s going to finish?” Ari asked.  

“You don’t think she will?” Con asked with a worried frown.

“I honestly don’t know, Con.”  

“What do you think, Landor?” Con asked.

“I don’t think anger is her strongest emotion at the moment,” Landor replied.  “I think she’s hurt.  Deeply hurt.  And for damn good reason.”

“We hurt her?” Ari asked. 

“Yes, I think we did,” Landor said.  “Think about what she said to us last night.  That she’d been an adult for four years, and how happy Salene was to know that the Gryphons were her future Rami even though
she
hadn’t wanted it to happen so soon.”

“But she wasn’t ready for us,” Con began, then froze.  “Oh
squilik
shit.  We only
thought
she wasn’t ready for us.”

“Exactly,” Landor replied.  “I think that she was not only ready, but waiting.”

“Waiting?” Ari asked.

“Yes, waiting,” Landor said.  “Remember how we felt watching everyone around us find their Arimas and have children while we hoped and prayed for the same?”  Con and Ari both nodded.  “Well, Rayne just watched Tani get married, and Salene will soon be officially mated to her Gryphons.  Then she finds out that the men meant to be her Rami spent seven years, four of those after she reached adulthood, staying as far away from her as we could get.  Forget about our reasons for a moment and put yourself in her place.  How would you feel?”

“I don’t much care for the picture you just painted of us,” Ari said.  “But I can’t argue with its accuracy.  How could we be so blind?”

“It’s worse than that,” Con said.

“What do you mean?” Landor asked.

“We spent years gathering every scrap of information we could find about Rayne to satisfy our curiosity, to make ourselves feel better about having to wait for her.  We had our reasons, I know that, and it was logical to us at the time.  But that doesn’t change the fact that we satisfied our needs without even
considering
hers.  If she spent the past four years waiting for us, it’s our own damn fault that we didn’t know because we never once bothered to speak to her, let alone get close enough to look into her eyes.  We violated one of our most sacred laws against the woman meant to be our Arima, and we didn’t do it just once.  We did it over and over again for years.”

“I never thought of it that way, but you’re right, Con,” Landor said. 

“Is there no hope, then?” Ari asked.

“Yes, I think there is,” Landor replied.  “Despite what we’ve heard, I really don’t think Rayne is the type to hold a grudge.”

“No, I don’t think so, either,” Con said.  “But I can’t think of a single reason why she should forgive us.”

“And yet, I think she will if we give her a reason to.”

“Then we better get busy finding a reason,” Con said.

“I agree, but I want to make one thing clear,” Ari said.  “Whatever we do, it has to be to her benefit, no matter the cost to ourselves.”

“Agreed,” Landor said.  “If she is to be our Arima, she has to know us, and want us for who we are.  And we have to know her, too.”

***

When Rayne stepped out of the shower she caught her reflection in the mirror over the sink and flinched, then looked away.  It wasn’t just her hair, though it was certainly startling to see shoulder length, straight brown hair in place of her long red gold curls.  Or the scars that covered her from head to toe.  Literally.  It was how thin she was.  It was almost painful to look in a mirror and see what appeared to be every bone in her body poking sharply against her pale skin.   

She dried off quickly, then pulled on her favorite underwear, not doubting her feeling that it had been a year since she’d worn something as basic as panties.  Then she reached for her jeans and a chocolate brown sweater, smiling at the feel of her own clothing on her body even though everything was far too loose.  She combed her damp hair out, reminding herself that if she followed the Tigrens’ directions, she’d be back to her normal size and health very quickly.

She opened a drawer and reached for the box of brown contacts that one of the med techs on the
Ugaztun
had created for her mother using the medical tele-fabricator.  She popped them in, not really minding the feel of them, though she was startled anew to see brown eyes looking back at her rather than the blue green she was used to.  Then she reached for the make-up case her mother had brought along with her other things from the
Ugaztun
. 

She looked through the different bottles and jars for a minute, then glanced at herself in the mirror again with a sigh.  Her cosmetics had been chosen for her usual complexion, which was several shades deeper than the pasty white she now saw in the mirror, and her natural hair and eye colors.  She’d look ridiculous if she followed her old makeup routine.  She almost closed the case and walked away, but another glance in the mirror changed her mind.  The Bearen-Hirus had seen her at her absolute worst, and while there wasn’t enough makeup in the Thousand Worlds to make her look
good
, there had to be something she could do to improve her appearance.  At this point, even a little self-confidence would go a long way.

She emptied the makeup case onto the counter and took a closer look at what she had.  A few minutes later she studied her reflection critically and concluded that the makeup helped a great deal more than she’d expected.  At least she now appeared to have a little color in her cheeks.  She looked like a stranger to her own eyes but, she reminded herself as she applied some tinted moisturizer to her lips, that was the whole point.