razorsedge (6 page)

* * *

Kusac rejoined his mate, still concerned about Kaid. Sitting beside her, he leaned over the crib, looking down at their sleeping daughter. Carefully he placed his finger against the tiny half-curled hand, feeling the gentle twitch as the cub gradually came closer to waking.
"I still can't believe she's real," he said, moving his hand to stroke the tiny blonde head with its closely furled ears.
"Oh, she's real," said Carrie dryly, pushing herself up into a sitting position. "Every time I feed her, I know she's real! Her teeth are like needles!"
Instantly his attention was on her. "I thought it would be easier for you now we had the nurse."
"It is, but that doesn't blunt those teeth! My skin isn't quite as thick as yours, you know."
He leaned forward to place his cheek against hers as she smothered a yawn. "Then give yourself a break tomorrow. Let the nurse feed her. Have the day to yourself."
"No thanks! I'd rather have the teeth than the pain I get if I miss more than one feed. Thank goodness it's only for a few weeks. Tell me, how's Kaid?"
"You know you're the only one who can sense him, Carrie. You know as much as I do."
"You saw him, though. How did he look? What did his body language tell you?"
"As usual, not much. He put it down to Zhala's cheese, which might not be far wrong considering it gave me indigestion."
"I'm glad I couldn't have any! What did your instincts tell you?"
"That it was the cheese."
"Not that! You know what I mean." She grinned, batting his hand away as he stroked her cheek.
"That whatever it was, he's keeping it to himself. There's not a lot we can do, cub, except keep an eye on him. At least the drug dreams are over."
"It should all be over now Ghezu's dead," she murmered.
"You've got me worried now, Carrie," he said, sitting back and regarding her. "You said Ghezu hadn't broken him. Was that the truth, or were you protecting him?"
"Kaid has to have some privacy, Kusac. We've learned how to create our own despite the closeness of our Link. He hasn't. His mind's still an open book, and I can't betray those involuntary confidences." She stopped for a moment. "It was the truth."
"A near thing, then?"
She nodded slowly. "Near. But that's not all he's coming to terms with. Learning that he was responsible for sending himself forward to live in our time, and worse, responsible for giving his child-self his adult memories of me, did hit him hard. I think it still troubles him."
He reached out to take her face between both hands, looking deep into her eyes. "If he needs you, cub, go to him. I don't begrudge what you and he share, because we have so much. I'm glad you chose him as your lover and our third. There's no one I could trust the way I trust him." He urged her closer, his mouth touching hers in a gentle Terran kiss that gradually became more purposeful.
Beside them, in her crib, Kashini began to mewl. With a sigh, Carrie and Kusac parted.

* * *

He was two years old again, racing down the tunnel from the upper level to the lower caverns when he collided with her. Papers went flying everywhere. Then she reached out and grabbed hold of him. He froze, hardly believing what he saw. She was so different, not like them at all. Her face, surrounded by a cloud of hair the color of sunlight, was as furless as her hands. Then she grasped him by the other arm and held him even closer. For the first time, he could smell her scent.
He woke with a start, breath coming fast and sweat again coating his palms. Sitting up, he rubbed at his eyes, pushing his hair back from his face in an effort to be sure he was awake. Gods! It had been so real! As if he'd been there. Reaching out with a shaking hand, he picked up the mug of water from his night table. Their trip to the past had released all the memories he'd tried to hide so long ago, and now they were making themselves felt. He took a long drink before returning the mug to the stand.
Determinedly he lay down. He wasn't going to let this dream worry him. So what if he remembered her from back then? It didn't mean that what he felt for her now was based solely on what had happened to him as a cub. The nightmare earlier must have triggered the memory.
It took some time to succumb to sleep again, and when he did, it was only to return to the past.
They stood in front of the entrance to the lab, an area that Tallinu had never been allowed near. He was excited, could hardly contain himself. So much rushing around! Everything was being moved— all their belongings. He was too young to help, so he amused himself running round seeing what everyone was doing. He spent the most time watching their visitors, the two Sholans and the strange female.
Running into her had frightened him, because he knew enough to realize she'd been expecting a cub herself and he'd been afraid he'd hurt her. They'd taken her to the doctor, but she must have been all right as she'd not been kept in the infirmary for long.
When it came time to leave, he went with Dr. Vartra to see the door to the lab sealed. He'd been shown the collar, given it, in fact, to put into the control panel recess.
"We have to leave it here, Tallinu," the doctor said.
"Why?"
"Because it has to be found there."
He thought about this for a moment. "Like a present?"
"Yes, just like a present." He heard the note of surprised pleasure in the doctor's voice.
"For her? For the stranger? Can we leave it for her?" he'd asked.
"If you wish."
"We have to leave now," said Goran. "There's no more time left, Vartra."
"We're coming," the doctor said, looking over his shoulder. "Are our travelers safe?"
"Yeah, all loaded up like you said. Have you put the collar in yet?"
"We're just doing it now."
He felt himself being lifted and held level with the control panel. "Put the collar in, Tallinu. We have to go now."
He'd placed the collar into the recess, watching while the doctor pressed the button to seal the lab doors. As the panel itself slid shut, Vartra took his hand and placed it against the rock wall, letting him feel the slight indentations that marked the concealed mechanism.
"That's where you press to open the panel, Tallinu. You'll need to remember this, so feel carefully over the rock."
"I'll remember," he said. He felt proud that an important adult like Dr. Vartra would entrust him with the secret of how to unlock the doors.
They turned away, the doctor still carrying him. A sweet was handed to him as they made their way down the corridors to the outside where the vehicles were waiting for them. By the time he was handed into their truck, his eyelids were beginning to feel heavy and it was difficult to keep them open. He was passed from person to person till at last he felt himself come to rest on a soft lap. He sniffed. The scent was familiar. Opening his eyes with an effort, he looked up to see the strange female.
Her hand rubbed against his cheek as she gathered him more comfortably on what was left of her lap. "Settle down now," she said quietly. "Go to sleep, Tallinu. It's going to be a long journey."
His heavy eyelids closed as he pulled himself closer, leaning his head against her belly. He fell asleep listening to the gentle rhythm of her unborn cub's heartbeat.

* * *

His troubled night had left him disoriented and tired. He kept to his rooms, working on his report, coming down only for second meal and then retreating to the sanctuary of his rooms again. The day seemed to be full of shadows for him— shadows and whispers— to the point where he began to wonder if the balance of his mind had been affected. By evening, he felt as if he were inhabiting a world of half-reality that was neither here in his present nor belonging to the past.
After third meal, he excused himself, saying he was going to visit the shrine and that he might remain there overnight.
Ghyan was surprised to see him. "I thought you'd still be resting," he said.
"I've had a bellyful of resting," Kaid growled, sinking his hands deeper into the pockets of the long winter coat he wore. "I want to meditate, Ghyan. Can I use the room I had before?"
"It's your room, Kaid," said Ghyan. "Can I get you a drink?"
Kaid shook his head. "Nothing, thanks. The peace of this shrine is all I need."
"How long do you plan to stay?"
"Maybe overnight, if you have no objection."
"None. As I said, the room is yours." The priest stopped, obviously choosing his next words carefully. "Before you go, can you speak yet of what you saw in the Margins?"
"Not yet. Father Lijou has asked us to mention it to no one as yet," said Kaid, turning to leave. "I mean you no insult, Ghyan," he added.
"None taken, Kaid. I'll see you're not disturbed till morning. If you leave during the night, would you stop by our night watch and let him know?"
"I will."

* * *

It was with relief that he closed the door of the small room behind him and switched on the psychic damper field. Now he felt that he'd truly left the world outside. He started setting out the oil lamp and the incense, taking comfort from the familiar tasks. There had been too much in his life lately that had been beyond his control. He needed this time of solitude and old familiarity— and isolation from the constant background awareness of the minds around him.
Thankfully, the room was heated. Shrugging off his coat, he looked in the chest at the foot of the bed for something more comfortable to wear. In it he found a black priest's robe— one of the Brotherhood's. Surprised, he lifted it out and unfolded it. It had his scent on it— old, but unmistakably his. Then he recognized it. It had belonged to him all those years ago in Stronghold. How in all the Gods' names had it come here? Then it dawned on him. Kusac had said that Dzaka had kept the room tended while he'd been missing in the hope that Vartra would guide him home. He must have kept the robe these ten years past, and brought it here for him.
A wave of emotion came over him at the thought behind the gesture. Despite their unresolved quarrels and stormy relationship, his son had cared enough to not only keep the robe, but to place it here against his return. He took off his jacket and slipped his arms into it, fastening it with the cord that hung from the waist. A sense of premonition, swiftly followed by disquiet, came over him as he did, but resolutely he pushed it aside.
He settled on the mat, lighting the ornate bronze lamp and crumbling the incense onto the hot charcoal. Scented smoke filled the air, swirling lazily as he began to chant the litanies. Gradually the tension began to drop away from him as he let himself sink deeper and deeper into the meditative trance.
For some time he stayed like this, at peace with himself as he repeated the teaching litanies of Vartra, examining each of them in the new light of what he'd learned in the Margins.
It began almost subliminally at first, sounding like the whispers that had followed him all day. Then it became louder, finally intruding into his consciousness.
Tallinu!
He needs to be focused on us.
He's not listening! Tallinu! Tallinu!
Calls himself Kaid now.
Kaid, dammit! Kaid!
Confused, his chanting began to falter as he tried to sense who was calling him.
He's not responding. We can't keep this up much longer!
Get
him
to do it. He's supposed to be the god, after all. Maybe he'll listen to the doctor.
God? What talk was this of gods?
I can't!
You'd better, because we can't get him otherwise!
He heard the implicit threat. Litanies, chants, all forgotten, he began to mentally back away. This didn't feel right. Whatever it was, he didn't want to know. Then his mind was grasped and held. Powerless, he had no choice but to listen.
Kaid, we're not finished yet. There's work still to be done.
No! I've done enough for you! No more, Vartra, no more!
His mind shouted the refusal.
You will return once more. You are at the heart of matters both here and in the future. You
will
return!
NO!
The room started to recede, and he felt himself pulled toward a heat and fire he recognized only too well.
Got him!
As if from a great height, he saw his body slump, then fall forward onto the floor. A white rime began to form over his robe, then, as panic started to take hold, the image faded and he was swept into a maelstrom of sound and heat and pain.
Fire licked along his limbs, burning and consuming him. The smell of seared fur and flesh filled his nostrils, and as he opened his mouth to scream, flames gushed out. Mercifully, his senses left him.

* * *

He woke to find himself lying on the floor wrapped in a damp robe. The lamp flame began to flicker as he pushed himself upright. Groggily he peered at it. The oil reservoir was nearly empty. He must have been asleep for several hours. Stiffly he got to his feet, wincing as his groin muscles complained. Too tired to be concerned, he blew out the meditation lamp and limped over to the bedside to activate the light. Stripping off his robe, he hung it over a chair to dry. With a shiver, he pulled back the covers and climbed into bed, passing his hand over the sensor to douse the light. Almost instantly, he was asleep.

* * *

Morning brought a vague feeling of disquiet and uncertainty. His meditation the night before had resulted only in half a night's sleep on the floor and the stiff and sore muscles that accompanied it.
Getting out of bed, he dropped down onto all four limbs. It would be easier and less painful to ease his muscles this way. Arching his back upward, he stretched his spine first, all the way down to the tip of his tail. Then he leaned backward till his forearms touched the floor, straightening his spine and flexing the large muscles in his shoulders and neck, easing the kinks in his upper back. Standing up again, he extended first his left, then his right leg behind him. Before he reached full stretch, though, the tenderness in his groin made itself felt once more.
Rearing upright, he gently pressed the inner surfaces of both thighs: definitely tender, which was both surprising and worrying as he'd not been with a female since the night he'd spent with Jaisa in the Margins. Even if he'd had company the night before, for those muscles to be painful was not normal.
Something had caused it, but what? Using the skills Kusac had been teaching him, he searched his memory, finding nothing to give him even a clue as to what had happened the night before. He remembered meditating, then nothing until he'd wakened cold and damp in the early hours of the morning. He shivered, knowing it had nothing to do with the chill air. Resolutely he put it from his mind. Whatever the cause, a hot bath would help ease the aching muscles.