Reason to Breathe (12 page)

“They weren’t around,” he replied
dismissively.

“Does that bother you – not having them
around?” I asked the question without thinking, not expecting an
honest answer since it really was none of my business.

But he responded. “I’ve learned to cope. It
was easier when my brother was still here.”

“You live with your aunt and uncle, right?”
he countered.

“Yup.” I bent over to take a picture of the
field through the fence, twisting the lens of the camera so it
produced a blur of color. I stood up and continued toward the
wooded area behind the bleachers.

“Not easy?” Evan stated casually, like he
already knew the answer.

“No, not easy,” I agreed. I wasn’t finding
the need to lie - yet. We were walking a delicate line of
disclosure, without revealing too much.

“Tight reins?” Another question that sounded
more like a statement.

“Definitely,” I answered, still taking
unfocused pictures of the green foliage mixed with hints of red and
orange. “And you don’t have any reins.”

“I guess not.”

The wind blew my hair from my face, and Evan
winced. My cheeks reddened, realizing he hadn’t noticed the bruise
on my head until now.

“Prone to bad luck?” he asked, nodding to my
head.

“Depends on where I am,” I answered without
answering. I tried to brush my hair back across my forehead with my
fingers, concealing the purple reminder of my bad luck.

“How many brothers and sisters do you have?”
I inquired, switching the focus back on him.

“Just the one brother, Jared. He’s a freshman
at Cornell. And you?”

“No brothers or sisters – just my two younger
cousins. Is he anything like you?”

“Nothing. He’s quiet, more musically inclined
than athletically, and is really easy going.”

I smiled at the comparison. Evan smiled back,
and my heart woke up from its two day slumber.

“Where are you considering going for
college?”

“Several schools in California mainly, along
with a few others in the New York, Jersey area. I’d love to get
into Stanford if they’ll have me.”

“I heard they were here watching your game
Thursday.”

I nodded, now focusing the camera on the
ground brush and zooming in to capture the details of the fallen
leaves.

“Where are you looking?”

“Cornell, obviously, but I have friends going
to different schools in California, so I may head back. I have time
to figure it out.”

We continued our delicately balanced
conversation until it was time to return to the classroom.

“You have a night game on Friday, right?” he
confirmed as we climbed the stairs.

“Yes.”

“What are you doing after school, before the
game?”

“Probably staying at school and doing
homework or whatever.”

“Do you want to get something to eat?” he
asked, hesitating on the landing before opening the double doors
leading to the hall. I stopped, and so did my heart.

“And yes, this would be a date, so that we’re
clear,” he stated with a smirk. I stopped breathing too.

“Okay,” I breathed, still unable to move. Did
I really just agree to go on a date?!

“Great,” he said, producing a brilliant smile
that caused my heart to catapult to life at such a frantic pace
that it left me lightheaded. “I’ll see you in Trig.” He continued
down the hall past the Art room.

I returned my camera to the supply closet and
walked in a daze to my locker.

“What is that grin for?” I heard Sara ask
from what sounded like a mile away. I brought her into focus, not
realizing that I’d been grinning.

“I’ll tell you later.” The grin turned into a
smile.

“I hate it when you say that,” she groaned,
but knew she didn’t have time to interrogate me in between classes.
I grabbed my books and headed to Chemistry.

Class went by so slow. I took notes
automatically and worked on the lab assignment with my chemistry
partner. I kept looking at the clock to find that only five minutes
had crept by. Finally, the bell rang.

“I hope you feel better,” my chem. partner
offered. My forehead crumpled. “You seemed kind of out of it
today.” I grinned, which only made her more confused.

When I arrived at my locker, Evan was waiting
for me.

“Sorry, decided not to wait for you in
class,” he explained with a grin.

Sara walked up to her locker. “Hi Evan.” She
gave me a suspicious look from behind his back. I looked into my
locker, pressing my lips together to fight the urge to smile.

“Can you tell me what you’re allowed to do?”
Evan asked as he walked alongside me.

“Not much,” I answered seriously, my grin
deflating.

“But you can do anything that involves
school, right?” he confirmed, trying to put the pieces
together.

“Pretty much. As long as I have a ride and am
home before ten o’clock.”

“Would they know if you weren’t doing the
school thing that you said you were doing but still followed the
ten o’clock rule?”

I sunk onto my seat with my stomach in my
chest. I could guess where he was going, and it was a place I was
too afraid to even consider.

“I don’t know. Why?” I tightened my eyes to
try to read his thoughts.

“Just wondering,” he said, still thinking. My
attention was snapped to the front of the room when we were
requested to pass our homework forward.

“Have you ever purposely done something you
knew you weren’t supposed to do?” Evan continued with the
inquisition on our way to Anatomy.

“Like what?” Again, not liking this line of
questioning.

“Like sneaking out of the house, or saying
you’re at the library but go to the movies instead?” I looked at
him with wide eyes. I swallowed the lump lodged in my throat at the
thought of it.

“I guess not,” he concluded by my
speechlessness, and probably audible gulping.

“What are you thinking?” I finally asked.

“I’m just trying to figure this out.”

“What out?”

“Us,” he said as he entered the classroom and
took his usual seat.

I stumbled to my seat, not breathing again.
He was so confusing. I wished I had warnings when he was going to
say things like that.

“Mr. Mathews,” Mr. Hodges declared, “would
you please join Ms. Thomas at her table. It appears her partner is
no longer in this class, and there is no point in having two single
tables, especially when we have our dissection labs.”

Upon hearing this announcement, I stared down
at the black surface of the table to conceal the blood that was
rushing to my face.

Evan sat next to me and said, “Hi,” like he
was introducing himself to me for the first time.

I released a blushing smile and quietly
replied, “Hi.”

After Mr. Hodges began his lecture on the
bones in the hand, I scribbled on a blank piece of paper,
Are
you already assuming there’s an us?

Evan wrote in response,
Not yet
.

I still didn’t understand what that meant and
drew my eyebrows together, so he wrote,
I’m getting ready for
when there is.

My heart felt heavy, like it just fainted.
There was a huge grin on Evan’s face. I wasn’t as amused. His
questions and comments were making me dizzy. I tucked the paper in
the back of my folder and stared at my notes, trying to conceal my
bright red cheeks with my hair.

“See you later,” Evan said after class as he
walked away. I was left looking after him, baffled. I knew there
was a motive behind his line of questioning and the insane
statements that followed, but I was so lost.

Sara was waiting for me, leaning against our
lockers when I arrived. I opened my locker to return my books
without saying anything. I knew what she was expecting.

“Do not do this to me,” she demanded
impatiently.

“How was your date with Jason this weekend?”
I attempted to redirect her attention.

“Not this time you don’t,” she scolded, still
way too serious for Sara. “We’ll get to me later - talk.”

I paused, trying to digest what I was about
to tell her.

“We’re going on a date after school on
Friday, before our soccer game. We’re getting something to eat,” I
confided. I wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Wow,” she responded with a smile that made
me flush with color once again. “That’s really great. I really like
this, Em. I have a good feeling about him.”

“I’m glad
you
think so.”

She flashed her eyes toward me, not
understanding my reaction.

“I still don’t get him, Sara,” I admitted
with a heavy sigh as we tread down the stairs toward the cafeteria.
“He asks these questions and makes these cryptic remarks. I feel
like I’m trying to read between the lines, but I’m still coming up
blank. And then when I have an opportunity to ask him what he
means, he disappears.”

“I know he’s been collecting his surveys from
people and has a couple more interviews for the article that’s due
tomorrow. He’s interviewing me at the beginning of Journalism
class. Maybe that’s where he keeps disappearing to.”

“I’m not really worried about where he’s
going,” I corrected, knowing she was trying to put me at ease. “The
timing of when he leaves is always after he makes some remark or
asks a question that I need him to explain. That’s what’s driving
me crazy.”

“Like what?” she inquired.

“I don’t even know where to start.”

“Do you like him?” We pulled the chairs back
at our table in the back corner of the caf.

“I’m still trying to figure him out. But I’m
getting used to being with him in class and walking down the halls
together. I don’t have the urge to push him away like I did before.
So maybe he’s wearing me down.”

“Or maybe you like him,” Sara countered with
a devious smirk.

Before I could answer, Jason approached our
table with a tray of food.

“Hey Sara,” he greeted, hesitating before
sitting next to her.

“Hello Jason,” she beamed, shifting in her
chair to face him. I suddenly felt like I was witnessing something
that wasn’t meant for a third pair of eyes.

“I’m going to get something to eat,” I
announced to ears that were deaf to my voice.

On my way back to the table with my lunch, I
caught Sara and Jason smiling absurdly at each other. I hoped I
didn’t look at Evan that way. I’d feel like an idiot if that’s what
everyone saw whenever he was around me - although it looked
nauseatingly adorable between Jason and Sara. The ogling was enough
to deter me from returning to the table, so I went to the
Journalism room instead to get a head start on my article.

Since the class was in the computer lab, no
one came into the room, besides Ms. Holt, who grabbed some things
from her desk and checked on my progress. She didn’t have a class
after Journalism, so I stayed during study as well. I buried myself
in my homework to avoid thinking about Sara’s reaction that morning
or Evan’s persistent interest. But my mind drifted towards those
unavoidable thoughts anyway.

I was overwhelmed by the whirlwind that had
forced its way in, turning everything upside down in such a short
amount of time. I was losing control, and it was making me panic. I
was having a hard time staying focused on what had always come so
naturally before. The end was within sight, and I couldn’t
jeopardize everything and let it all slip away now.

So, if I was going to make it to college (in
one piece), I had to avoid these panic-inducing situations, like
the party - or anything else that distracted me for that matter.
That included… dating. My heart sank in my chest at this
realization. But I knew it was what I had to do – I had too much to
lose.

“There you are,” Evan declared as he entered
the room. “I was wondering where you’ve been.”

“Hi,” I responded, looking down at the
keyboard.

“It’s definitely quieter in here,” he
observed, then noticed my avoidance. “What’s going on?”

“I can’t go on a date with you,” I blurted in
a rush. “I need to stay focused on school and my responsibilities.
I can’t afford distractions. I’m sorry.”

“I’m a distraction?” he asked in
bewilderment.

“Well… yes, you are. The fact that I think
about you at all is a distraction, and I can’t commit myself to any
more extra curriculars.” That came out way worse than it did in my
head.

“Are you comparing our date to Art club?” I
couldn’t tell if he found it insulting or amusing.

“No.” I sighed in frustration. “Evan, I’m not
good at this. I’ve honestly never been on a date in my life, and
I’m just not ready. I said it. Is that good enough for you?” My
faced turned crimson with the spontaneous confession. I continued
to reveal too much to him, and that was a part of the control I
needed back. There was too much he couldn’t know, and I couldn’t
keep slipping up.

He tried poorly to suppress his signature
grin. I grunted in annoyance and threw a paperback book at him from
atop my pile.

“I always bring out the best in you, don’t
I?” He released a short laugh as he avoided my throw. “Okay, no
date. But we can still hang out, right?”

“As long as you promise not to ask me on a
date, mention
us
as if we were an entity, and no comments
about sweaters,” I insisted. I realized my demands were ridiculous
and didn’t make much sense, but it was what my insubordinate heart
would need to survive a friendship with Evan Mathews.

“Okay, I think,” he agreed in confusion,
nodding slowly. “But you’re still talking to me, and I can sit next
to you in class and even walk with you in the halls, right?”

“Sure,” I replied after hesitating.

“Can we hang out outside of school?” he
pushed.

“When would we possibly do something after
school?”

“Friday – no date, I promise. But you can
come over after school, and we can hang out before the game,” he
offered. “We can even do homework if you prefer.”