Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1) (16 page)

She sighed. “But we need to be clear with each other about where this is going.”

He pulled his lips in for a moment and closed his eyes, dreading the answer to his next question. “Stevie, are you regretting what we did last night?”

After a pause she answered in a low voice. “I…I don’t know what to say.”

He dropped his head forward onto her shoulder. “Well, I think if your immediate answer isn’t,
No Jason, of course I don’t regret it
, then we have a problem.” He turned and placed his feet on the floor, suddenly feeling like he’d made a colossal mistake. “I don’t regret a single thing about it.”

She reached over and stroked a hand down the muscles of his bare back. “Look, don’t misunderstand me, Jason…you were amazing…us together? Mind-blowing. But—”

He stood and grabbed his boxers from the floor, stepping into them quickly and placing his hands on his hips. “Okay. Just stop. I get it. It was just
sex
to you. You’ve treated me like a fuck buddy. I get it. I just thought—”

“What?” she shouted. “How
dare
you accuse me of such a tacky thing? And for your information, unlike you, I’ve
never
had fuck buddies, you complete arsehole!”

He was breathing rapidly now as anger fought its way to the surface to replace the sadness he had experienced moments earlier. “Well, what
did
you have? Did they have a fancy name simply because they were having sex with queen fucking Stevie?” he shouted back, but immediately regretted the harshness of his words.

He watched as she silently gathered her clothes and dressed herself. Her face impassive although an errant tear betrayed her calm exterior as it slipped silently down her cheek. He ran his hands over his face. “Stevie, please stop… I didn’t mean—”

“Jason.” She cut off his apology. Holding her hand up, she closed her eyes. “It’s done. Now we both know what we’ve been missing all these years. Let’s leave it at that.”

A lump lodged in his throat. “Is that it?
We know what we’ve been missing
? Is that all it meant to you?”

She turned, fully dressed, to face him. “Don’t pretend to be all sentimental now. Especially after how you’ve been acting since I got here. You’ve had plenty of meaningless sex. And
you
left
me
, remember? Knowing your reasons only fills in the gaps and helps me to understand
why
. It doesn’t change what you did. And sex with you doesn’t suddenly heal all of the wounds you left me with. I wish it did. I’d
hoped
that it would. But at the end of this week, I go back to London and you stay here. And as much as I cared about you and about what we had back then, I think a ten hour or more journey every time one of us is feeling horny is just a little much, don’t you?” She wiped away another tear that had fallen.

His eyes stung and his heart ached. He’d lost her. He’d been subconsciously trying to push her away since she arrived. She was right about his behaviour, but now that he’d decided to stop doing that, he’d succeeded by doing the opposite. He pinched the bridge of his nose. Leaving her all those years ago had somehow suspended their relationship in time for him. He’d left her physically, but emotionally she was still there in his mind and heart. She was still his…until now.

He wouldn’t let her go without a fight though. He had already decided that. He stalked around the bed and grabbed her. “Hey, before you walk out you need to know that this
wasn’t
just sex to me. Okay, I know I’ve been an arrogant arsehole since you arrived, and I don’t have excuses for that… I think it was some kind of…defence mechanism, but this…this was so much more than just a fuck. Why did you think I wanted you to keep your eyes on me? I needed you to
see
me.
Really
see me. I have
never
felt a connection like that with anyone…
ever
. You want to walk out on
me
this time? Go ahead. But you’ll be making one mother of a mistake, and I think deep down you know that too.”

She inhaled sharply as he held her eyes with as much intensity as he could muster.

“I have to go,” she said blankly, pulling herself from his grip.

He slumped onto the edge of his bed with his head in his hands as the door closed behind her.

Chapter Eleven

Day Four Of Hell

Stevie awoke around seven after only having a few hours of restless sleep. She had cried for a while when she’d crawled into bed. The urge to run back to Jason and hold him had almost overtaken her, but self-preservation had kicked in just in time. She couldn’t give her heart to him again. Admittedly, he had most of it in tiny little pieces under his feet, but the little she still had that remained intact was something she was determined to keep hold of.

She had lied to Jason about the sex. Okay, so she hadn’t come right out and said the words, but a lie by omission is a lie nonetheless. She had
hinted
that it had been something she did to find out what she had been missing all these years. That it was meaningless sex.
Stupid, stupid Stevie
. It hadn’t been
just sex
. It was in
no way
something she did as some twisted research mission, and she knew she had been very cruel to imply that it was.

Replaying her own words in her mind had made her feel nauseated. She wished she could somehow suck the words back in or go back in time and
un
say them. But as Jason had said only yesterday, “Hindsight is the bomb.” And now she had to go kayaking and face him. She thought about feigning a migraine, but she couldn’t do that to the kids. It wouldn’t be fair.

Her phone rang. How come the bloody signal was so good out here in the middle of nowhere? Was there no peace to be had?

She picked it up and hit the answer button. “Hi, Mum. You’re up early.”

“Stevie? What’s wrong? You sound…
strange
.”
So very perceptive.

“No. I’m fine. I’ve just woken up.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Mum. I was there when it happened.” Her sarcasm was the one thing Dana usually complained about, but not today.

“Okay. Well, I just wanted to check on you. What are you up to today?”

“I have the joys of kayaking.” Her voice was devoid of enthusiasm but not for the reason her mother would no doubt presume.

“Oh dear. Not your kind of thing, is it, sweetie? Well, chin up. It’s only for a few more days. Speak soon. Bye, love.”

She frowned. “Bye, Mum.” Her mother’s calls this week were very brief. She wondered why this couldn’t be the usual case instead of the hour long chats where Dana told her how much she worried about her. She loved her mother dearly, but her overbearing nature had worsened significantly since Jason’s disappearance and then compounded after Dana's diagnosis of a lifelong medical condition had shaken their very foundations. Yet another heartache and worry Stevie could’ve done without.

After showering, she dried, pulled her hair up into a scruffy bun, and pulled on a pair of cargo pants with a long sleeved T-shirt. The telltale signs of tears shed were all over her face, but she slipped her shades on and hoped that kayaking was an activity that could be done whilst wearing them.

The kids were all in the main hut eating breakfast when she arrived. Her heart almost stopped when she looked directly into Jason’s sad brown eyes.
Oh God, no.
He didn’t smile. He simply looked away and her heart sank. She was suddenly overcome with the urge to talk to him—to clear the air and come clean about her lies. She acted before the other half of her brain kicked into gear and stopped her in her tracks. He was chatting to Dorcas, who was positively hanging on his every word.

Good grief
,
pick your tongue up, dippy Dorcas.

She smiled sweetly at the doe-eyed young woman and tapped Jason on the shoulder. “Excuse me… Mr. Reynolds, could I…erm…talk to you for a minute please?”

He frowned. “Oh…I’m sorry,
Mrs.
Norton, I’m a little busy at the moment going through the schedule. Can it wait?” His icy tone almost cut through her flesh like a dagger.

She winced, hoping she had done so internally. “Actually no. It’s a matter of urgency. There’s an issue. It’s to do with the…erm…life-jackets.”

Dorcas’ eyes widened.
Whoops
.

Jason was clearly unimpressed with her and his nostrils flared. “Okay,
Mrs.
Norton, lead the way,
if
it’s urgent.” His teeth were clenched and the way he’d said
Mrs
. sent an eerie shiver down her spine.

He took her elbow tightly, digging his fingers into her flesh until it hurt, his anger clearly evident in his flushed face. He led her outside, away from the main hut and continued to walk hurriedly with her. They moved further away from prying eyes, but now he was almost dragging her. She realised he was heading for her cabin.
Shit!
He waited whilst she tried to unlock the door, glaring at her all the while. When she couldn’t get the key in the lock through shaking, he snatched it from her and unlocked it himself. He pulled her inside and slammed the door behind them, making the whole cabin vibrate.

“Jason, what if people saw—”

He grabbed her and pushed her against the wall, pressing himself into her and sealing his mouth over hers. She struggled at first, feeling a little taken aback by his aggression. But then she melted into the kiss as his tongue danced around her mouth, sending those little electric shocks to the junction of her thighs.

He stopped abruptly. “Don’t
ever
fucking show me up in front of my staff again, Stevie.” He growled, his eyes blazing.

She frowned. “But I didn’t… What do you mean?”

“You pretty much called into question the safety of my fucking life-jackets in front of little Miss Health and fucking Safety. Do you know how much shit you’ve caused me now?” He ran his hand over his hair, smoothing back a few strands that had escaped the plain black hair tie securing it at the nape of his rather delicious neck.

“I’m sorry…I—”

“Oh, you’re sorry? Well that makes everything fucking better then.”

She had never seen him look so angry. “Please stop swearing at me. I just needed to talk to you. I needed—”

“Well if you
needed
something, sweetheart, here I am. Take what it is you need.” He stepped back and held his arms out to his sides and nodded toward his groin. “It’s all about
you
in this life after all. What do you need? An orgasm maybe? A quick fuck to see you through the day? Can’t get enough of me?” He snorted but his smile was more like a menacing grimace. He was back to the arrogant pig of a few days ago.

She stepped sideways in a bid to get away from him.
Who the hell is he?
“Forget it. I’m not talking to you when you’re behaving like this. This is
not
you.” Her voice wavered.

“Oh but it is, sweetheart. This
is
the
real
me. The prissy fucking wimp died ten years ago. You’re looking at a
real man
now, Stevie.”

Tears stung her eyes, and her lips began to tremble at his disturbing manner. “Well in that case, you need to leave. You’re clearly not who I thought you were. I’m done talking now.”

He walked toward her again. “What, no more talk of life-jackets, eh? Even if that
was
just a ruse to get me alone. Don’t think I don’t know that. I figured you out straight away.”

“My God, you’ve reverted back to the cold, arrogant arsehole that I met when I arrived. What happened?” She gave him an incredulous look.

He clenched his jaw and leaned in so that his nose was almost touching hers. He pointed his index finger in her face. “
You
happened. You turned up out of the fucking blue and made me remember. Made me fucking
feel.
And for what? You gave me the
one thing
I’ve craved for ten years, and then told me it was
nothing
to you. So that’s it…
you
happened.”

She realised she was still backed up against the wall. A million different thoughts seemed to be flying through her mind. Maybe she should scream to get someone’s attention. She opened her mouth, but couldn’t form the sound with his body pressed so close to hers. She closed her eyes and his rapid breathing heated her face, his heart pounded against her own.