Rebirth (23 page)

“Well, I mean, it can’t talk, but it can answer questions if you ask them.” I had piqued his interest. When I situated myself on the tile floor, Leif followed suit. We were seated cross legged, facing each other with the storm outside as our backdrop. I held the chain up and offered it to him. “Take it and hold it as I am holding it.”

Leif gently removed the chain from around my finger and wrapped it once around his own.

“Good, Leif,” I congratulated. “Now, hold it out in front of you…”

I continued to explain how he could make the pendulum swing at will and to decide a circular motion meant yes and back and forth meant no. Then I had him ask yes or no questions, some about things he knew the answers to and others he would like to know the answers to. We sat there for more than two hours while the movie played, all the while Leif learning about the abilities he never knew he had. Waiting to be found, and used.

Chapter Fifty

From our first “lesson” in the mess hall, Leif’s curiosity about all things paranormal seemed to explode. He became hungry for knowledge and I only hoped our library at the base had something to offer Leif in his quest.

“You can access the digital files if you can’t find what you’re looking for in paperback,” the librarian reminded us. Tina was a short woman with an olive complexion who had once lived north of the base. She had told us that the collapse of her hometown had been vicious. While not directly hit by nuclear missiles, the city imploded about a week after the toxic clouds arrived. Riots, gang wars, police brutality, everything you saw on the news in life when a city suffered a black-out in their poorest sector was experienced tenfold city-wide when the public realized that they were never going to recover.

Tina’s duties in the library were far greater than organizing the books. She also kept records for the base: a day to day journal of all operations, including people entering and exiting. Hers was a position I found very intriguing. She was writing a new history. She used the Gregorian calendar, but also, secretly, began a new calendar beginning at year 1 from the date the bombs fell. She called it AA – After the Apocalypse. So, we were nine years into this calendar, 9AA.

“Can you look up Buddhism for me? Leif is really interested in reincarnation and stuff like that,” I said, never alluding to his true interest. I didn’t want anyone to think Leif was born for some great role. As long as he knew it, and I knew it, that was enough.

“Oh, we have some paperbacks on that subject, Sara. Last row, numbers 500 through 510.”

“Perfect, thanks, Tina.” The library wasn’t big, but it was certainly a treat to have. I’d read much of what it had to offer. I had checked out a few books from the digital archives, but those you had to read in the library at one of the three computer stations.

I found the book I thought would most intrigue Leif and checked it out. Tina gave me a distracted smile on my way through.

“Goodnight, Tina.”

“Mmhmm,” she managed, typing frantically into her laptop.

On my way back through the barracks, I ran into the Sergeant just outside the family housing buildings. My heart fluttered and I felt the familiar heat escaping through my cheeks.

“Oh, Sara,” he said as he saw me approach. “What a coincidence, I was just thinking about you.”

The corners of my mouth immediately reached skyward, parting my lips in a ridiculous grin. I must have always seemed awkward to him. The game had gone on for so long. I didn’t know how to end it.

“Hi, Jeff,” I greeted in a high-pitched squeak. He grinned back at me, always in control.

“Sara.” His hand touched my upper arm, closing gently, guiding me into him until we were inches away from each other.

“What’s up?” Our eyes met and I quickly looked down at my book.

“I wanted to talk to you about something.” His eyebrows pulled together as I snuck another look at his face. “Huh,” he continued. “I completely forgot what I was about to say.”

“Oh, well. Whatever it was will come back to you.” I smiled shyly.

He shook his head, the mole I longed to kiss buried in the confusion on his forehead. I was happy to keep the connection going. I loved it when he touched me. I was blushing again, allowing myself to daydream. Not that I had spent my entire time at the base pining for the Sergeant. I’d had one partner after we’d first arrived. It wasn’t love or anything, but we did enjoy a physical relationship for nearly a year. His name was Mike, and he’d been killed in an accident that had claimed the lives of four men on the base. I was starting to get a complex. Every man I became involved with seemed to find an early end. I’d kept to myself since then.

I looked up again to study the Sergeant’s face. He was looking down at me with an intensity that kind of scared me, but got my heart pumping fast again, like when I’d heard him call out to me. It was as though he were working something out in his head, something he was desperate to tell me. He licked his lips.

“What is it, Jeff?” We were hidden from view, tucked into a tight corner positioned between two buildings.

“I need to tell you something, Sara.” His voice trembled slightly.

“You’re scaring me, Jeff. What’s wrong? Is something wrong?” I placed both hands on his shoulders, I felt his whole body quiver.

A tear escaped the corner of his right eye. My bottom lip trembled. This was it. This was the moment. The electricity between us was indescribable. My mouth parted, my lips felt full, tingling in anticipation. His eyes shut hard releasing a river of tears as his face bent down to meet mine. Every part of me tingled now, my heart was in my throat, my breath mixing with his as our mouths inched closer and closer. His lips were softer than I could have imagined, his kiss deep and probing. I gave myself over to him, our lips sealing our fate. A warmth overcame me that I hadn’t experienced since that first night with Joel many years earlier.

He pulled away after what seemed like ages. My lips felt hot, my body weak. I’d never fainted before, but was sure what came next qualified. My knees absolutely gave out, my eyes fluttered closed, the book fell from my hand and I collapsed at the Sergeant’s feet.

Chapter Fifty One

I awoke in my bed. Jeffrey was sitting at the edge, watching me. I smiled and touched his lips with my fingers. He smiled back.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have.”

“No,” I begged. “Please, don’t say you’re sorry.” I knew if he meant it this was over. That all I would have experienced of our unspoken love would be that one and only kiss.

“Sara, I’m married. I have children.” His face was the picture of despair. Was he unhappy with his life?

“Are you happy?” I asked.

“Right now I am happier than I’ve been in years,” he admitted as he took my hand in his. “Sara, I’ve loved you for so long.”

“I know. I mean, I’ve felt the same way.”

“What do we do about it?”

Reality hit me. He was married. He did have kids. This was a small community. This sort of thing didn’t happen here. “I don’t know.” I wanted to tell him I did know. That he should leave his lovely wife and family and be with me. But how?

“I shouldn’t have,” he began again and I heard a mournful groan that originated deep in his chest. His body shook to a convulsive, silent weeping. I sat up and threw my arms around him, squeezing him into me. I cried with him.

“We can make this work,” I decided. “We can do this.” I pulled his face back with both hands, unable to bear the thought of never kissing him again.

He kissed me then, harder than before, pushing me back onto the bed. He broke the kiss after too short a time and stared into my eyes. I didn’t let him speak again. I drew my face up to his and kissed him in desperate successive breaths. My mouth veered from his mouth as I kissed his cheeks, his nose, the beautiful mole on his forehead, his neck. I was feral with emotion. Almost unconsciously I removed his shirt and unbuckled his pants. His boots fell to the floor with a satisfying thud as I realized he too was undressing himself.

Then his hands were on me, pulling at my shirt, pushing down my pants. I kicked off my shoes and arched my back in a race to be naked against him. His hot muscled flesh pressed up against mine and began to move rhythmically. My legs wrapped around his, my hips moving with him.

We made love for hours, until just before Leif arrived back from school.

I turned to look at Jeff. His eyes sparkled to life and he smiled. “I know,” he said. “It’s late, I should go.”

“What are we going to do?” I smiled back at him sadly.

“Let me worry about that.” I liked that he took charge, but this wasn’t all on him.

“I don’t want to be without you,” I started. “But I can’t let you leave your family for me.” My head rolled to stare at the grey brick wall.

“This has been coming for some time, Sara. This isn’t going to be a big surprise to her.”

“I can’t be the reason you leave your wife.” I didn’t know which would hurt more; living with the guilt of being a home-wrecker or living without Jeffrey.

“This isn’t your choice alone, Sara.” He raised himself on one elbow and looked down at me. “I love you. I’m in love with you and I can’t hide it any more.”

How I’d longed for this moment, for those words to come out of his mouth. Still, it was not perfect. Not while he was married to such a wonderful woman, a woman I respected.

“Don’t do or say anything yet, Jeff. For me.” I hated the words coming out of my mouth. I only meant to keep his wife from suffering this revelation tonight. I wanted to think of a way to not hurt anyone, but knew in my heart that was a silly dream. This would destroy his family and make us outcasts.

“I’ll wait, but not forever. Not again, Sara.” He kissed me gently, left the warmth of my bed, sweat glistening on his back. Once dressed he opened the door, looked down the hall and popped his head back in.

“I love you.”

“I love you.” My heart leapt as I spoke the words. With a cautious smile he winked and closed the door behind him.

I had only moments to lay in bed reliving the incredible event that had just occurred. Just as I was happily retracing his hands along my body, this body which had remained untouched for so long, Leif entered the room and began to undress for bed.

“Hi, Leif!” I caught him off guard.

“Mom!” He turned and threw his shirt at me. “Don’t scare me like that!”

“Sorry, honey,” I apologized. “I thought you realized I was back already.”

“How would I know that?” He continued to change for bed, slipping a pajama top on next.

“Doesn’t Blank Man tell you everything?” I kidded. Blank Man and I were a team now, with one direction: to instill a sense of destiny in my son.

“You’re in a good mood.”

“You think so?”

“You’re practically glowing, Mom.” That was as good an explanation as could be arrived at by an eight year-old boy.

“I guess so.” I sat up gripping the covers tightly around my naked body. I patted my hand on the bed beckoning him over to sit. He walked over, and plopped himself down on the mattress. He touched my face with his little palms, tracing my features with his fingers. It was something he’d done since he was a toddler. When he came to my mouth I pretended to bite his fingers and he jumped back, smiling. We were both in a pretty silly mood.

“Mom, do you believe in love at first sight?” This was a timely question.

“Sure I do, Leif. Love can happen at any time, in any place. Are you in love?” His face scrunched up again and his tongue stuck out.

“No!” He continued to brush my hair with his fingers. “But someone told me they were in love with me.”

“That’s fun, honey. Who?”

“Sherri,” he whispered, his head lowering as if he was ashamed to have told me. Sherri was his little friend from school. Sherri was the same girl who had lost her father in the terrorist raids.

“Sherri is a lovely girl, Leif. She is only six, a little young for you. But in ten or twelve years, that won’t really make a difference.”

“Mom! You’re not helping! I don’t want a girlfriend!”

“Okay.” I laughed out loud. It was nice to see that the human condition hadn’t changed so much. Boys and girls, whatever age, were still suffering the same drama as ever. “Just let her down easy though, okay?”

“But how do I do that? She’s always grabbing at my hand in class and trying to kiss me.” His little features crinkled up at the memory of her shameless advances.

“Leif, you just be nice about it. You tell her you’re not ready for a commitment and that you would like some time to think about it. Trust me, this way she’ll get bored waiting and pick another little boy to have a crush on.”

“Okay, that might work. Thanks, Mom.” He bounded off the bed and jumped up into his own.

“Sweet dreams, Leif.” Sweet dreams. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a sweet dream, but if ever I would again, it would be tonight. It had been so long since I had tasted true happiness, and tonight had left me longing for more. As much as I knew it was a torturous decision that lay ahead of us, all I wanted tonight was to sleep, feeling the warmth of Jeff surrounding me.