Recaptured Dreams (15 page)

Sophia always came here when she was feeling blue. The tranquility of how everything fit so perfectly together with the peaceful sounds, wonderful scents, and singing birds that swooped down now and again always brought a smile to her face.

Not today.

No matter how brightly the sun reflected off the water, her heart still felt black and terribly cold. Sophia sat, arms curled around herself, on one of the shallow stone steps overlooking the pond. A squirrel scurried across the grounds as an earthy scent swam around her from the light wind.

She gathered her sweater around her chest and wondered if life would be easier as a wild animal. She wouldn’t have to worry about the people in her life or places she needed to go. She wouldn’t have to worry about disappointing someone she loved or making herself look bad. All she would have to worry about were food and shelter. Sounded easy enough, since Mother Nature would provide her with all the tools and skills she’d need to live out her furry little existence.

Why couldn’t her life be as simple as that? For so long she had searched for something—anything—that would help her regain even a fraction of her forgotten memory. And then, when she’d least expected it, it had fallen right into her lap, and while she’d been in the arms of someone she’d thought was a complete stranger, no less. She wanted to know more, ask more of Xavier, but she didn’t know how. Plus, after the way he’d looked in her home, Sophia knew he was already hurt by what she’d done.

She felt something for him, that was certain, but she couldn’t place it. When Xavier had said he’d once loved her, a part of her heart broke off for him. Had they really been that close? Those words had frightened her. Overwhelmed her.

As much as she wanted to seek out her missing past, she didn’t want to involve him and get his hopes up—or worse, make him feel used. She hated the pain she had caused him. She wanted to make it go away, but she wasn’t strong enough to take that step. Wasn’t that always the problem? Her mother certainly thought so. Sophia would never be “strong enough” to take her life into her own hands.

Sophia heard the faintest of footsteps behind her; she felt his presence without seeing his face or hearing his voice. Instinctively, she held her breath as she twisted around to look at him.

His face was calm, yet a glint of hurt still showed. She had done that to him. And now she didn’t know how to fix it. How to explain everything she’d seen. She still couldn’t explain it to herself.

He came a step closer, his blue eyes clouded like the sea during a storm. She had a feeling there was only one way to make herself stop hurting. She just didn’t know if she was strong enough to do it.

“Sophia,” Xavier said as he crossed over to her carefully. He’d had a lot of time to think during the walk over, and he’d had time to further clamp down his own shock. Now it was time to get to the bottom of this. To repair the damage he’d done. “Can I talk to you?”

She nodded. He took the last step and sank to sit beside her. She was looking down, and her hair covered part of her face. He wanted to reach out and tuck it behind her ear to see her better, but he clasped his hands together in his lap instead. He could smell the faintest scent of vanilla blowing through the air.

“Sophia,” he said, more softly this time. “Look at me.”

She slanted her head in his direction and smoothed the hair out of her face. The sun reflected off the water and made her porcelain skin glow. Her cheeks were red, almost as though she’d been crying.

He fought the impulse to cradle her. Instead, he simply said, “I want to ask you something.” He didn’t want to know the answer, not really; hearing it from her would be so much harder, but he had to. “Do you know who I am?”

Sophia put her head down again. Xavier caught her chin gently in his hands.

“Please,” he said, “look at me. Do you know me?”

“No, I’m sorry.” Her voice cracked. His heart shattered.

“Would you like to tell me about it?” Doubt swept across her face. He stroked her cheek before putting his hand back down in his lap. “Anne Marie told me about your memory,” he said quietly. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to hear about it.”

Sophia angled her head toward the sky and took a deep breath before she spoke.

“It was nine years ago. My family and I were on holiday in Ireland. We had been there seven months or so.” She looked back at Xavier. “Mother told me I was being home-schooled that year because father needed to be there for business. I suppose it was more of an extended business trip than holiday, really. I was on my way home from running errands when a sleet storm hit.”

Sophia closed her eyes and shivered.

“I slid through a traffic light. From what I was told, I couldn’t stop. There wouldn’t have been anything I could do about it given the road conditions.”

Her face paled, and Xavier couldn’t help but reach out to her. He curled his arm around her shoulders, drawing her nearer.

“The lorry came from the other direction. Hit my car in the driver’s side.” Sophia let out a long, slow breath. “When I woke up some five months later, all my memories from before the accident were gone.” She reached up and rubbed the left side of her head. “I’d spent forever in intensive care with broken bones, internal bleeding, and a head injury—which caused the memory loss.”

Xavier gulped, his throat constricting like a vice.

“It’s called retrograde amnesia,” she continued. “They’d initially thought it was from the brain swelling, but after some tests and figuring out I’d lost
every
memory since birth, they realized it was more than that.” She drew in a rattled breath. “The connections of the nerves had been damaged, making it near impossible for me to get my memory back. But I…I have always been holding onto a slim chance.”

Sophia shook her head and stood up as Xavier’s arm slid off her shoulder. Looking restless and unsure, she took a few steps and stopped at the edge of the pond and gazed down. He wished he could read her thoughts. Know how she felt about him now. Know what she needed from him.

Unable to stand the detachment, Xavier walked over and put both his hands on Sophia’s shoulders. She tensed for a moment before relaxing beneath his fingers.

“Slim chance of what?” he asked.

“The doctors said I shall never
fully
get my memory back. There’s a small hope, however, that I’ll get little bits and bobs, like a jigsaw puzzle.” Her lip curled into a frown. “So I’ve always held out hope for the small chance to know what part of my life was like. To remember.”

He exhaled heavily, his mind racing with possibilities.

“Something—anything.” Her voice was but a whisper as a flash of something unreadable flickered across her expression, and she turned away from him.

“Please, Sophia.” He slipped his hand in hers and rubbed over her knuckles. “I want to help you.”

“That’s just it. You already did, and it scared me to death. I didn’t expect to fall…” She blinked several times quickly. “I mean, I didn’t expect to be with you and then end up in what felt like some twisted dream. I got a piece of something, and I couldn’t handle it. I wasn’t expecting it. It’s why I ran out on you.”

“After talking with Anne Marie, I figured as much. I understand, and I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“No,” Sophia said, shaking her head. “That’s not it entirely.” She looked away. “Well, I didn’t feel most pleased afterward about what I had done. What I thought I had done. But something odd happened—I had a flashback.” She looked down at their conjoined hands. “At least I think that’s what it was, from my past, something with you and me. You were young.”

Xavier’s smile flashed quickly as she looked backed up at him. “So, then, you did remember me?”

“Briefly, but yes. I think so.”

“That’s a start.” He stroked her cheek. “You actually knew me quite well.”

Xavier gathered her close. She was warm and smelled sweet, making him feel things he hadn’t in a long time. Content. Overwhelmed. Happy. At home. But she was still stiff, and her eyes were dancing as if her thoughts were tangled.

“There’s something else,” he said, more as a statement than question.

“Yes.”

“Tell me, please.”

“I want us to trust each other, but…I’m sorry, this is difficult.”

“It’s okay, Sophia. I think I can pretty much handle anything at this point.”

“When I had the memory, you and I were talking.” She eyed him, almost carefully. “I don’t know where we were, but there was tall grass all round, and you were lying on it—naked.” Her cheeks reddened, and her hand fluttered to her cheek. “You said something about us raising a child together.”

Xavier silently cursed. Of all the memories she could have recalled, it had to be that one. He remembered it like it was yesterday: the way she smelled, the way his fingers curled in her once-long black hair, and the way her head fit so perfectly on his shoulder when she rested it there.

Being so young, they’d known little other than their feelings for each other. They’d both been virgins the first time they’d made love. It had been a life-changing moment for him. For them. But with that loss of innocence came responsibility. The memory Sophia had must have been the day she’d told Xavier she’d thought she might be pregnant. She’d been terrified. Not of the pregnancy, but her family—her mother. Xavier remembered the look in Sophia’s eyes when she’d told him that nothing would keep them apart. Yet, just days after that conversation, her family had taken her away. Sophia wouldn’t remember why, but he’d known, and that memory was one that had plagued him for years. He’d never gotten the chance to find out if she’d had their child.

Would it be best to start from there? No, best to start from the beginning. To tell her all the good things before reminding her of what had torn them apart.

Xavier pressed himself against Sophia’s back. He lowered his head and whispered in her ear. “Right now, all you need to know is that we had an incredible summer together when we were seventeen, and after you left, I could do nothing but think of you.”

Sophia twisted around, and Xavier was relieved to see the smile beaming across her face.

“Will you help me remember?” she asked.

“I’ll do better than tell you. I’ll show you.”

He wanted so badly to kiss her under the warmth of the sun, her dark hair shining and her face bright. And with that thought, he couldn’t fight his craving. His head dipped, and his lips brushed hers, slowly, carefully. Warmth built between them, swirled inside him, and had him wanting to do far more than kiss her. He drew away, still clutching Sophia close, and couldn’t help but notice the glazed look of hunger in her eyes. And when the side of her lip curled into a smile and pink burst into her cheeks, it was all Xavier could do withhold his groan.

This was his moment. He could feel it. Everything he’d ever wanted, right there in his arms. They could start where they’d left off, build a stronger relationship with deeper passion, and live the rest of their lives with each other. Although it might kill him, he could wait until they were better settled before they got intimate again. There were things Sophia needed to see and do first. Feelings he needed to share. But there was one thing he couldn’t wait for.

“So tell me, Ms. Sophia Montel,” he said, keeping his tone light. “Has there ever been a Mr. Montel, so to speak? Two-point-five children and a golden lab named Scruffy?”

Sophia threw her head back and laughed. Xavier’s limbs grew weak. It had been so long since he’d heard that kind of carefree laughter from her. God, how he’d missed it.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned back on his heels while he flashed a crooked smile and watched her face. “So?” he asked.

“Oh my heavens,” Sophia said, still trying to contain the laughter. “I’m afraid not. No husband, no children, and no dogs.”

No children?
So, the pregnancy had been nothing more than a scare after all. The truth both relieved him and broke off a small piece of his heart.

“I’m afraid that no man has ever even come close to…” Sophia paused when she looked up into his eyes.

He didn’t know what she saw exactly, but the trace of insecurity on her face made him once again want to pull her close and never let her go.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.