Red Devil (Dangerous Spirits) (32 page)
Chapter 42
Dearest Alexei,
I do not know if you will ever be able to read this. I have to trust in God that you will, although I do not know if God exists in this place. I have not seen Him.
It is strange. Ever since arriving here, I have barely thought of Mama and Papa at all, or of Kisha or even Slava. I thought Slava might be here, but I have walked up and down the train and he is not. Most of the other people on the train will not talk to me, but the old fox who was trying to pull you on board, Kostya, he does. Sometimes I sit with him. He tells me that he does not understand the workings of this train, when we shall arrive at our destination, and who we may meet there. We think, both of us, that loving bonds make a difference, and he thinks that perhaps we continue to feel them for as long as we ride. And then he lapses into silence and stares out the window, and I do not want to bother him and I leave.
So it does not surprise me that I think mostly of you. I promised you that I would see you again, and although I did not imagine that it would be in this land of spirits, I had faith that I would keep my promise.
I wish now that it had happened another way. You told me that ghosts are real, and I imagined that I would be a freed spirit, allowed to roam our world without the hindrance of walls or borders. But you did not tell me how sad it would be, how the air on the train radiates longing and desperation. I feel it myself, often; I find an empty compartment and I draw my knees up onto the seat and I watch the grey landscape pass by, always the same. And always then I think of you, and I am so sorry that I left you alone in the world.
For that reason, I do not want you to read my last letter, the one I wrote so hastily that I misspelled words and smeared the ink, the one I tucked into my pocket the day Bogdan chased me to the window and I leapt. It is a desperate, angry letter written by a trapped girl, and I fear you might take from it some guilt over what happened to me. You should not. I accused you of misleading me, but the truth is that I was anxious, I was hasty. I wanted to escape our home, and you would have warned me about Bogdan if I had given you the chance. I ran away from a monster, and that was my mistake; I was no longer running toward life, and so I lost it. Kostya has told me you tried to protect me. I love you for that, and so I ask you to remember me in love.
Do not despair, my dear brother. I wish I had been brave like you were on the platform, like you have been all my life for me, but I have only been that brave for you, never for myself. I am glad that at the end, I was able to help you with Kostya, and I hope that I may provide good company for him as we ride together. Now that I am here, I will do my best to help all the poor people on this train. Just as you tried to help me escape, I will try to help them appreciate this world. After all, it is something, and that is more than nothing. Perhaps some of them can write letters, and if the world is kind, their loved ones can read them.
In whatever way is possible or permitted, I will be with you.
Your loving sister,
Caterina
Epilogue
The first tsars swept down from the cold northlands, and they laid waste to the world with their fierce claws and rending fangs. They filled the streets with blood and cared not what they ripped open, if it stood in their way. They saw in the land a vision of the future—their future—and they twisted the people until they realized that vision.
And the land they conquered was harsh, yes, with icy winds that screamed through noses and ears, with furious rivers that swallowed bridges and travelers, with arid wasteland and barren mountains. But it was beautiful, too: shimmering lakes and fertile farmland, warm summer days and endless verdant forests. Beauty and softness are not weakness, but merely a different kind of strength: acceptance rather than resistance, confidence rather than armor.
My ancestors lived in tune with the land, not above it as the tsars did. They knew it to be gentle and harsh, giving and demanding. They knew that the winter would pass, that new life would come each spring, that the harvest would feed them each autumn, and then the world would pass again into death, each season in balance.
Nicholas II understood this, I now believe. He saw the changes in the world and envisioned a future in which Siberia could change with it. Few of us then understood him: not we Guards attuned to the old ways, not the revolutionaries impatient for change. We fought over how to survive the winter, while Nicholas looked ahead to the spring.
I have lost a daughter and a son, and gained, perhaps, a granddaughter and grandson; each season in balance. It is a comfort not to be alone, but a small one. For I know they too will leave me, and I cannot prevent it. My spirit is shaped to ice and barren mountains; their cold wind hisses through my ears and nose, their strength and determination hold me fast. But I have not the soil, the summers, the forests. I exiled those long ago, and now I sit at a window that rolls past a timeless desert and I search for them. Surely, surely, if I pass them, I will be able to leap out and reclaim them, to take them in my arms and make myself whole again.
Oh, my boy! Oh, my Nikolai!
Other books by Kyell Gold
The following books by Kyell Gold are available from Sofawolf Press (
http://www.sofawolf.com
) in print, except where noted, and from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other retailers in electronic form:
Argaea
Volle
– The story of how Volle came to Tephos, and the first adventure he had there.
The Prisoner’s Release and Other Stories
– The story of how Volle escaped from prison, and the story of what happened after, plus two other stories following characters from “Volle.”
Pendant of Fortune
– Volle returns to Tephos to defend his honor, but soon finds himself fighting for much more.
Shadow of the Father
– Volle’s son, Yilon, must travel to the far-off land he is meant to rule, but he will have to fight treachery to take the lordship.
Weasel Presents
(print edition from FurPlanet.com) – Five short stories from the land of Argaea, including “Helfer’s Busy Day” and “Yilon’s Journal.”
Forester Universe
Waterways
– The full story of Kory’s journey to understand himself, and what it means to be gay.
Bridges
(print edition from FurPlanet.com) – Hayward seems content to set up pairs of his friends. But what does he really need for himself?
Science Friction
(print edition from FurPlanet.com) – Vaxy never took sex seriously, until he found out the professor he was sleeping with was married...
Winter Games
(print edition from FurPlanet.com) – Sierra Snowpaw was an unsure high school student when someone he thought was a friend changed his life. Now he's fifteen years older and still looking for answers.
The Mysterious Affair of Giles
(print edition from FurPlanet.com) – A servant in a British manor house tries to solve a murder (coming Spring 2014).
Dev and Lee
Out of Position
– Dev the football player and Lee the gay activist discover how to navigate their relationship.
Isolation Play
– The continuing story of Dev and Lee, as they contend with family and friends in their search for acceptance.
Divisions
– As Dev’s team fights to make the playoffs, Lee fights to keep his sense of self.
(Fourth book)
– Coming July 2014.
Dangerous Spirits
Green Fairy
– A gay high school senior struggling through his final year finds a strange old book that changes his dreams and his life (the story of how Sol met Niki, taking place prior to
Red Devil
).
Black Angel
– Third book in the series, coming in 2015.
Other Books
The Silver Circle
(print edition from FurPlanet.com) – Valerie thought the old hunter was crazy when he warned her about werewolves—until she met one.
In the Doghouse of Justice
– Seven stories of superheroes and their not-so-super relationships.
Follow
http://www.kyellgold.com/wpblog
for further updates on upcoming publications.
About the Author
Kyell Gold is best known for his gay fiction using animal people to represent human archetypes. He has won the Annual Anthropomorphic Literature & Arts (Ursa Major) Award twelve times for his novels and short stories, and the Rainbow Award twice (2009, Best Gay Novel and Best Fantasy Novel, for Out of Position). He has also been nominated for a WSFA Small Press Award (“Race to the Moon,” 2009).
His various online presences are linked from www.kyellgold.com, and you can follow him on Twitter at @KyellGold. He lives in California with his husband, but can often be found at conventions around the country and internationally.
About the Artist
Rukis is a fantasy artist and comic creator who achieved commercial success with her comic Cruelty and went on to create the ambitious Red Lantern. She has since authored Unconditional, a comic sequel to Cruelty, and Heretic, a novel in the Red Lantern universe. Her cover for Green Fairy was awarded the Ursa Major for Best Published Illustration of 2012. Her work can be found at www.furaffinity.net/user/rukis.
