Red or Dead (66 page)

I don’t know, said Billy Bremner. I am disgusted with myself.

Bill laughed. And Bill said, And so you bloody should be, son. But did you see you that picture of me and you and Jack Dempsey? In the paper? The one they took at the dinner the other night? Now that man could lick the world. That man knew how to really punch!

Aye, said Billy Bremner. It’s a good photo. A good memory.

Bill nodded. And Bill slapped Billy Bremner on the top of his thigh. Bill got up from the bench. And Bill walked out of the Leeds United dressing room. Into the tunnel. The Wembley tunnel. And into the dressing room. The Liverpool dressing room. And Bill saw Kevin Keegan. Kevin Keegan sat on the bench. Already washed, already dressed. His father sat beside him. Bill sat down on the other side of Kevin Keegan. And Bill said, Forget it, son. Forget it. You were not the culprit. You were the victim. The victim of a heinous injustice!

I can’t forget it, said Kevin Keegan. But I’m very sorry it happened, Boss. On today of all days. So I’m going to go home with my dad now, Boss. Because I need to think about things …

Bill nodded. And Bill said, All right, son. You go home with your dad. That’s the best place, home. Keep your head down. And your nose clean. But your chin up. Your chin up, son …

Kevin Keegan nodded. And his father nodded. Kevin Keegan stood up. And his father stood up. And Bill watched Kevin Keegan and his father walk out of the dressing room. The Liverpool dressing room. And into the tunnel. The Wembley tunnel. Its darkness and its shadows. The door banging behind them. The dressing-room door. Bill heard the door banging. The dressing-room door. Banging and banging, echoing and echoing. And Bill looked around the dressing room. The Liverpool dressing room. Round and around. And Bill stood back up. Bill got back on his feet. And Bill began to pace again. Up and down the dressing room. The Liverpool dressing room –

Round and around. Round and around –

On the train. The train back to Liverpool. In the carriage, in his seat. Bill could feel the wheels of the train beneath him. Turning, turning. Round and around. Their movement and their rhythm. Round and around. On the train. The train back to Liverpool. In the carriage, in his seat. Bill had no book. No book of names, no book of notes. Bill
had no diary. No diary of dates, no diary of fixtures. The dates to come, the fixtures to come. But on the train. The train back to Liverpool. In the carriage, in his seat. The wheels going round and around. Turning and turning. Bill did not look out of the window. Not at the sun setting, not at the night falling. The cattle dimming and the fields fading. The wheels going round and around.
So what are you going to do with yourself all season, Mr Shankly?
In the gloaming, in the twilight. Past the abandoned branch lines, past the mothballed stations. The wheels going round and around.
What on earth are you going to do with yourself, sir?
Bill thought about all the interviews he had done. All the broadcasters and all the journalists. The wheels going round and around.
So what are you going to do with yourself all season, Mr Shankly?
And Bill closed his eyes. Bill had had enough of dictating his own obituary. Bill had had enough of carving his own tombstone. Round and around.
What on earth are you going to do with yourself, sir?
Round and around.
So what are you going to do with yourself all season, Mr Shankly?
Round and around.
What on earth are you going to do with yourself, sir?
Round and around,

round and around. In the house, in their front room. In the night and in the silence. Bill paced and Bill paced. Round and around. In the house, in their front room. In the night and in the silence. Bill stopped pacing. Bill walked out into the hall. Bill picked up the telephone. Bill dialled a number. And Bill listened to the telephone ring. And ring –

Hello, said Maurice Setters, the manager of Doncaster Rovers.

Hello, Maurice. Hello. It’s only me, Maurice. It’s only Bill. And I’m sorry to bother you, Maurice. But I’m worried about Keegan. I am very worried about Kevin. After what happened today. I want him to come up to Glasgow with the team. We’re playing in Billy McNeill’s testimonial. It’ll be my last game, Maurice. And I want him to be there. I don’t want him brooding in Doncaster. I want to get things sorted. So will you go out and find him for me, Maurice. I called his house. I called his father. But the lad’s gone to the pub. He’ll be out drowning his sorrows somewhere. And that’s no good for any man. So I want you to go and find him, Maurice. And tell him to call me. Because I’m back at my home now. And so I’ll be waiting for him to call me. Whatever time. I’ll be waiting. Will you find him and tell him, Maurice? Will you do that for me, Maurice?

Yes, said Maurice Setters. I’ll do that for you, Bill. I will.

Bill sighed. And Bill said, Thank you, Maurice. Thank you. You are a pal, Maurice. You truly are. Thank you, Maurice.

Bill put down the telephone. And in the house and in the hall. In the night and in the silence. Bill paced and Bill paced. Up and down, up and down. In the house, in the hall. In the night and in the silence. Up and down, up and down. Bill paced and Bill paced. For hour after hour. Bill waited and Bill waited. Until at last, at last. Bill heard the telephone ring. And Bill grabbed the phone. On the second ring. And Bill said, Kevin? Kevin, is that you, son? Kevin?

Yes, Boss, said Kevin Keegan. It’s me, Boss …

And Bill said, I’ve just spoken to Jock. And Jock wants you there. On Monday night, at Parkhead. For the testimonial, for Billy McNeill. Jock wants you to be there. To be up there. Because the people up there, they want to see you play, son. They don’t care about what happened today. All that nonsense. They just want to see you play, son. So Jock wants you to be there. And I want you to be there.

If you’ll be there, Boss, then I’ll be there, said Kevin Keegan.

Oh, I’ll be there, son. I’ll be there. You just try and stop me, son. You just try and stop me …

Before the testimonial, the testimonial for Billy McNeill. At the dinner, the dinner for Billy McNeill. Jock Stein got to his feet. Jock Stein picked up his knife. Jock Stein picked up his glass. Jock Stein tapped the knife against the glass once, twice, three times. And Jock Stein said, Ladies and gentlemen, we are here tonight to honour one of the greatest footballers in the history of the Celtic Football Club: the Big Man, the Caesar, King Billy himself – Mr Billy McNeill. Raised in Bellshill, a Motherwell supporter no less, he was spotted by Bobby Evans and, thankfully, signed for the Celtic Football Club in 1957. And so Billy was here when I came here. And by God, was I glad he was. Of course, it was Billy who scored the goal that won us the Cup in 1965. The first cup the club had won since 1957! And of course, he went on to score in two more cup finals. Not bad for a centre-half! But
I believe that goal back in 1965, that header that won that game, and that gave us that victory, I believe that was pivotal. Because that goal, that goal that won that game and that won us that cup, changed everything. Because that goal, that cup and that victory was the foundation of all the goals, all the cups and all the victories since. The five more Scottish Cups, the five League Cups, the nine consecutive League Championships and, of course, the European Cup. And I do not believe, in fact I know, we would never have won so much without Billy McNeill. Because it has been Billy’s determination, Billy’s strength and Billy’s leadership as captain of the Celtic Football Club that have been the bedrock, the very foundation of all our success. And Billy has played every single minute of every single game he has ever played in. In all those games, he has never once been substituted. Because I would not have dared! Not that I ever wanted to, mind …

But for all his commitment, for all his dedication, his passion and his strength, you will never hear another player, another football man, speak ill of Billy McNeill. Because Billy McNeill has earned the admiration and respect not only of his teammates and the supporters of the Celtic Football Club, but the admiration and respect of all the players and the supporters he has played against. And so I think there can be no more fitting opponents, no more worthy opposition tomorrow night, than Liverpool Football Club. And so it gives me the greatest of pleasure to be able to welcome Liverpool Football Club. And to thank them for coming here to take part in this great occasion, this testimonial for Billy McNeill. However, in fairness, I’d just like to remind Liverpool Football Club that the Celtic Football Club do not play friendlies. We never have and we never will!

Bill Shankly jumped up. Up from his chair, up onto his feet –

Aye, John. Right you are, John. Well, that’s lucky for you and for the Celtic. Because Liverpool Football Club don’t play friendlies either! As you’ll find out soon enough…

At the testimonial, the testimonial for Billy McNeill. In the centre circle of the pitch, the Parkhead pitch. Jock Stein embraced Bill Shankly. And Jock Stein said, Tonight is for Billy. But do you not hear that, Bill? Do you not hear the name they are singing now?

SHANK-LEE, SHANK-LEE, SHANK-LEE …

Aye, John, I do, said Bill Shankly. And I never dreamt, when I
used to come to this ground as a schoolboy fifty years ago, that I would end my career here, with a finale as memorable and moving as this. I could never have dreamt of such a night, John.

And Jock Stein felt Bill Shankly grasp his hand. Bill Shankly grip his hand. Squeeze his hand as though he would never let it go. And Jock Stein looked at Bill Shankly. Bill Shankly in the centre circle of the pitch. The Parkhead pitch. And Jock Stein whispered, You know, I’ve never believed anything you’ve ever said to me, Bill. Not a word, a single word. The things you’ve said about your players. About Liverpool Football Club. If they were as good as you always said, they’d have not only won the European Cup, they’d have won the Ryder Cup, the Boat Race and even the bloody Grand National!

And they would have done, said Bill Shankly. But they never let me enter them. But they would have done. Believe me …

Jock Stein shook his head. And Jock Stein said, Well, I still refuse to believe that. And I also refuse to believe you are retiring, Bill. I cannot believe you. That you would walk away from this. From this game. From these players. These fans. I just cannot believe you, Bill. I refuse to believe you. Men like us don’t retire, Bill. We go on and on until we die. Until we die at our posts, Bill. That is the kind of men we are. The kind of man you are, Bill …

But this is not about me, said Bill Shankly. And Bill Shankly let go of Jock Stein’s hand. Bill Shankly walked over to Billy McNeill in the centre circle of the pitch, the Parkhead pitch. And Bill Shankly shook the hand of Billy McNeill –

Everything you have earned from the game. Everything you have gained from this game. You have done it honestly, son. So enjoy this night. Your night. Because you deserve it, son. Because you are honest. An honest man …

After the testimonial, the testimonial for Billy McNeill. In the dressing room, the Liverpool dressing room. Bob Paisley called for silence. And then Bob Paisley said, Have you got the time, Bill?

And Bob Paisley handed over a gold wristlet watch to Bill Shankly. And then Bob Paisley handed over a matching lady’s gold wristlet watch to Bill Shankly. And Bob Paisley said, And will you give this one to Nessie, too, with all our good wishes, Bill …

In the dressing room, the Liverpool dressing room. Bill
Shankly looked down at the two gold watches in his hand. And Bill Shankly nodded. And Bill Shankly smiled –

It’s funny how when you retire, they always give you a clock or watch, isn’t it? The old gold clock, the old gold watch. The two things you don’t need, the last two things you need. When you’re sat at home all day. Watching those hands go round and around. Round and around all day. It’s funny, isn’t it?

But in the dressing room, the Liverpool dressing room. No one laughed. And no one spoke. Until Reuben Bennett said, Would you have preferred a pair of boots, Bill? A new pair of football boots?

Oh aye, Reuben. Of course, I would. If you had made them gold and all. Yes, a pair of golden football boots. Oh yes. And don’t forget, boys. I’m always a size thirty in a golden boot!

And now in the dressing room, the Liverpool dressing room. Now everyone laughed. Almost everyone.

In the house, in their bed. In the dark and in the silence. Bill could not sleep. His head on his pillow. His eyes open. Bill stared up into the darkness. Up into the silence. Everything dark, everything silent. Until at last, at last. The curtain edges grew light again. At last, at last. The wardrobe wood again, not shadow now. At last, at last. A ceiling on the room, a roof upon the house. At last, at last. The bottle on the doorstep, the paper through the letterbox. And at last, at last. Day was here again. A new morning come again. At last,

at last. Bill was out of their bed. Into the bathroom. Shaved and washed. Bill put on his tracksuit bottoms. Bill put on his sweater. Bill folded up his suit. His shirt and his tie. Bill put his suit, his shirt and his tie, into his bag. His kit bag. Bill took his boots from out of the bottom of the wardrobe. Bill put his boots into a plastic bag. Bill picked up his kit bag and the plastic bag. Bill walked down the stairs. Bill left his kit bag and the plastic bag in the hall. Bill went into the kitchen. Bill ate breakfast with Ness. A slice of toast and honey, a glass of orange juice and a cup of tea. Bill helped Ness clear away the breakfast things. Bill dried up the breakfast things. Bill helped Ness
put away the breakfast things. And Bill kissed Ness on her cheek –

Are you going somewhere, love, asked Ness.

Oh yes, love. I thought I’d just pop in at Melwood. Just to see how everyone is doing, love. How they are all getting on.

But you saw them all yesterday, said Ness.

I know, I know. But I’m going to train as well. With the team, love. I might as well. To keep myself fit. I’ve got to keep myself fit, love. I don’t want to be letting myself go now, do I, love?

I don’t think there’s any chance of that, love.

I don’t know, love. I don’t know. I’ve seen it happen to many a man. The minute he stops working. He starts to let himself go. To get idle and to get lazy. The minute he stops working. Because that’s when the danger comes. The temptation to do nothing. To just sit around the house all day. Reading the paper and watching the telly. With his feet up and his guard down. Letting himself go, to rack and to ruin. No, love. No. I have to be on my guard. I have to keep myself fit …

But will you be back for your lunch, love?

I’m sorry, love. But I cannot say. I mean, if I’m needed at the ground, if I’m needed at Anfield. Then I’ll have to go. And I want to go, love. I want to help. I don’t want anyone to think I’ve abandoned them now. That I’ve turned my back on Liverpool Football Club. Because if I can help in any way, then I will, love. I must …

Of course, said Ness. Of course, you must. But you take care now, love. And I’ll see you when I see you then …

Bill nodded. Bill smiled. Bill kissed Ness on her cheek again. Bill went into the hall. Bill picked up his kit bag and the plastic bag. Bill went out of the front door. Bill went down the drive. Bill got into the car. And Bill drove to Melwood. Just around the corner,

not three streets away –

His car in the car park at Melwood. Bill was leaning over the veranda of the pavilion. Already changed. Always, already changed. In his boots, his football boots. Bill was waiting. Always, already waiting. On the veranda of the pavilion. Bill watched the players get off the bus from Anfield. Bill waved at the players. Bill smiled at the players. And Bill shouted, Morning, boys. Morning …

Morning, Boss, said the players.

Bill laughed. And Bill said, A great day, isn’t it, boys? A great
day to be playing football. A great day to be alive!

Yes, Boss, said the players.

And Bill saw Bob Paisley, Joe Fagan, Reuben Bennett and Ronnie Moran. And Bill waved at Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie. And Bob Paisley, Joe Fagan, Reuben Bennett and Ronnie Moran looked up at Bill. Bill leaning over the veranda of the pavilion. Already changed. And Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie all smiled. And Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie all waved back at Bill. And Bill shouted, Morning, boys. Good morning. And how are you all today, boys? All well, I hope?

Very well, shouted Reuben. Thank you, Bill. And you’re looking well, too. Looks like you can’t keep away, though …

Bill laughed. And Bill said, I’m just here to keep myself fit, Reuben. To keep on my toes. That is, if no one minds?

Course no one minds, said Bob. You’re always welcome, Bill.

Thank you, Bob. Thank you very much …

And Bill jogged down the stairs. And out of the pavilion. And Bill joined the players running round the training pitch. Bill joking, Bill laughing. Cajoling and inspiring. But running, still running, running harder, harder than ever. Then the players split into their groups. And the players lifted weights. The players skipped. The players jumped. The players did squats. The players did abdominal exercises. And the players sprinted. And Bill lifted weights. Bill skipped. Bill jumped. Bill did squats. Bill did abdominal exercises. And Bill sprinted. Bill laughing, Bill joking. Inspiring and cajoling. But sprinting, still sprinting, sprinting harder, harder than ever. And then the players passed the ball. The players dribbled with the ball. The players headed the ball. The players chipped the ball. The players controlled the ball. And the players tackled. And Bill passed the ball. Bill dribbled with the ball. Bill headed the ball. Bill chipped the ball. Bill controlled the ball. And Bill tackled. Bill joking, Bill laughing. Cajoling and inspiring. But tackling, still tackling, tackling harder, harder than ever. And the players went between the training boards. The players moving, the ball moving. Playing the ball against one board. Then taking the ball, controlling the ball. Turning with the ball, dribbling with the ball. Up to the other board. In just ten touches. Playing the ball against the other board. Then pulling the ball down, turning again and dribbling again. Back down to the first board. In just
ten touches. And Bill went between the training boards. Bill moving, the ball moving. Bill playing the ball against one board. Then taking the ball, controlling the ball. Bill turning with the ball, dribbling with the ball. Up to the other board. In just ten touches. Bill playing the ball against the other board. Then pulling the ball down, turning again and dribbling again. Back down to the first board. In just ten touches. Bill laughing, Bill joking. Inspiring and cajoling. But dribbling, still dribbling, dribbling harder, harder than ever. Then the players went inside the sweat box. Ball after ball. Into the box. Every second, another ball. For one minute. Then for two minutes. Then for three minutes. Ball after ball, into the box. And Bill went into the sweat box. Ball after ball. Into the box. Every second, another ball. For one minute. Then for two minutes. Then for three minutes. Bill joking, Bill laughing. Cajoling and inspiring. But sweating, still sweating, sweating harder, harder than ever. And then the players played three-
a-sides
. Three-a-sides then five-a-sides. Five-a-sides then seven-a-sides. Seven-a-sides then eleven-a-sides. And Bill played three-a-sides. Three-a-sides then five-a-sides. Five-a-sides then seven-a-sides. Seven-a-sides then eleven-a-sides. Bill laughing, Bill joking. Inspiring and cajoling. But playing, still playing, playing harder, harder than ever. And then the players ran one last time around the training pitch. And Bill ran one last time around the training pitch. Bill still joking, Bill still laughing. Still cajoling and still inspiring. And running, still running, running harder, harder than ever. Until Bill came back to where Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie were standing. In the centre of the pitch. The training pitch. And Bill stopped running. Bill caught his breath. And Bill said, By, thank you, boys. Thank you. That was just what I needed, boys. Just what I needed. I tell you, boys. I tell you. I feel alive again, boys. Alive and kicking again! Thank you, boys …

You’re welcome, said Bob. Very welcome, Bill.

The players started to walk back towards the bus. The bus back to Anfield. The players smiled at Bill, the players waved at Bill –

See you, Boss. See you tomorrow, Boss.

Bill waved back at the players. And Bill shouted, Oh aye. Rain or shine, boys. I’ll be here. Rain or shine, boys.

Well, I suppose we’d best be getting on the bus, too, said Bob.

Oh yes, Bob. Of course you had. Don’t let me keep you. You
can’t be standing around here all day, gabbing with me. Oh no.

Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie all nodded. Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie all said goodbye to Bill. And then Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie started to walk back towards the bus. The bus back to Anfield. Bill standing in the centre of the pitch. The training pitch. Bill watching them go. Back to Anfield, back to work. And Bill started to walk across the training pitch. To jog now, then to run. Bill caught up with Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie. And Bill said, Actually, if no one minds. If I’m not in the way. Not under anyone’s feet. Because that’s the last thing I’d want to be. The very last thing. But I was wondering if I might just pop into the ground. To have a quick bath. If no one minds. I won’t come on the bus. Don’t worry. I’ve got the car. I’ll drive. I don’t mind. But I thought I might just pop into the ground. Just for a quick bath. After the players have gone, of course. Don’t worry, don’t worry. You’ll never know I was there …

Of course, said Bob. You’re welcome, Bill. And come on the bus, if you want. It doesn’t bother me, Bill.

Bill nodded. And Bill said, Thank you, Bob. Thank you. But it’s fine. I’ve got the car anyway. So I’ll drive. But thank you again, Bob. Thank you very much indeed.

You’re welcome, said Bob again. And you don’t need to ask, Bill. You’re always welcome.

Bill nodded. Bill smiled. And Bill watched Bob Paisley, Joe Fagan, Reuben Bennett and Ronnie Moran get back on the bus. The bus back to Anfield. Bill standing beside the bus. In the car park. Bill looked up at the windows of the bus. The bus back to Anfield. Bill smiled at the players in the windows of the bus. The bus back to Anfield. And the players smiled back at Bill through the windows of the bus. The bus back to Anfield. Bill waved at the players in the windows of the bus. The bus back to Anfield. And the players waved back at Bill through the windows of the bus. The bus back to Anfield. The bus pulling out, the bus going back. Pulling out of the car park, going back to Anfield. Leaving Melwood, leaving Bill. In the car park. Bill waving them off, Bill watching them go. In the car park. Bill walked towards his car. Across the car park, back to his car. And then Bill stopped. In the car park. Bill turned. Bill walked back to the training pitch. And Bill ran one more lap around the training pitch.
And then another. And another. And then Bill stopped running. Bill walked back to the centre of the pitch. The training pitch. Bill stood in the centre of the pitch. The training pitch. And Bill looked around the ground. The training ground. This ground that had been cold, this ground that had been dark. Where there were trees and where there were bushes. The grass long and the ground uneven. With hills and with hollows. An air-raid shelter and a cricket pitch. And Bill smiled. And then Bill saw a ball. Out of the corner of his eye. An old white ball, over by the fence. Bill jogged over to the fence. Bill put his foot on the ball. The old white ball. Bill pulled the ball back towards him. His foot on the ball. Bill rolled the ball back behind him. Onto the pitch. The training pitch. And Bill turned. Bill tapped the ball in front of him. Right foot, left foot. Across the pitch. The training pitch. Right foot, left foot. Back towards the pavilion. Right foot, left foot. Until Bill reached the pavilion. And then Bill flicked up the ball with his right foot. And Bill caught the ball in his hands. The old white ball. Bill held the ball in his hands. Between his fingers. Bill looked down at the ball. The ball in his hands. Between his fingers. And Bill smiled again. And then Bill put the ball down. Beside the steps. The pavilion steps. The ball ready for tomorrow, the ball waiting for tomorrow. The training tomorrow. And Bill walked across the car park. Bill opened the door of his car. Bill took out his shoes from the car. Bill took off his boots. His football boots. Bill put on his shoes. Bill put his boots back in the bag. The plastic bag. Bill got into his car. Bill pulled out of the car park at Melwood. And Bill drove to Anfield. Ready for his bath, ready for a soak. Bill pulled into the car park at Anfield. Bill parked the car. Bill got out of his car. Bill walked across the car park. The Anfield car park. And into the ground. The Anfield ground. Into the dressing rooms. The Anfield dressing rooms. The players long gone. But their smell still there. The smell of sweat, the smell of work. And Bill smiled again. And Bill took off his shoes. Bill took off his sweater and his tracksuit bottoms. Bill still smiling to himself. Bill went into the baths. The Anfield baths. And Bill stepped into the bath. The Anfield bath. The water still warm, the water still deep. Bill sank into the bath. The Anfield bath. The water deep, the water warm. Bill put back his head. In the warm water, in the deep water. And Bill closed his eyes. In the bath. The Anfield bath. Bill listened to the
sounds of the bath. The Anfield bath. The water dripping, the water lapping. Dripping down the sides, lapping on the tiles. In the baths. The Anfield baths. Bill listened to the sounds of the ground. The Anfield ground. In the bath, in his ears. The footsteps in the corridors, the footsteps on the stairs. Coming and going. The telephones ringing, the voices talking. Laughing and joking. In the bath, in his head. The voices whispering, the voices wondering. Coming and going, coming and going. Bill could go up the stairs. Bill could knock on the door. Not with a demand, not with a threat. Just something he wanted to do, something they would want him to do. After this period of reflection, this period of rest. All things now considered, all things then restored. Just as before, just as they were. Yes, he would go up the stairs. And he would knock on the door. All things now considered, all things then restored. In the bath. The Anfield bath. Bill opened his eyes. And Bill sat forward. The water cold now, the water old now. In the bath. The Anfield bath. Bill stood up. And Bill stepped out of the bath. All things now considered, all things then restored. Bill reached for his towel. Bill missed the towel. And Bill missed his step. On the tiles,