Redemption (15 page)

Her dad seemed to understand that God was working on her heart, and he gently elbowed her ribs, nudging her, encouraging her to heed the only voice that mattered.

The pianist continued.

“They are weak, but he is strong. . . . Yes, Jesus loves me, yes—”

Kari squeezed her eyes shut and wiped her cheeks as well as she could. Then she stood up and made her way into the prayer room with the strongest sense that she was no longer alone.

She saw him the moment she walked in—Ryan Taylor sitting in a prayer circle holding hands with the Millers, an elderly couple who’d been at the church as far back as Kari could remember. The three of them were the only ones in the room, and Ryan was explaining something to them in hushed tones when he spotted her.

“Kari . . .” Their eyes locked, and he was on his feet, moving out of the circle and then stopping short of her, his hand stretched in her direction.

Something in Ryan’s eyes, a depth that she couldn’t quite define, told her he knew about Tim. She reminded herself to exhale and politely nodded in his direction.
What am I supposed to do now, God? I can’t talk about Tim in front of—

My grace is sufficient.

“Why . . . Kari. It’s so good to see you, dear.” Mrs. Miller stood up and pulled Kari into a hug. When she drew back, she studied Kari’s face. “Honey, you look like you need some good praying.”

She led Kari by the hand back to the circle and directed her to an empty chair next to Ryan’s. Mr. Miller smiled sympathetically. “You two kids haven’t been in the same prayer circle since high school, I reckon.”

Kari’s heart slammed at the inside of her chest, and she had no idea what to say. The nearness of Ryan Taylor made her mouth dry, her thoughts jumbled.
Help me, God. Why’d you bring me here if he was going to be—

Mr. Miller cleared his throat. “Ryan’s asked us to pray for his focus.” The older man smiled at Ryan. “That he’ll have a healthier fear of God and get his priorities straight.”

Priorities straight? Kari wondered what would send Ryan to the prayer room to seek prayer about his priorities. She forced herself to concentrate as Mr. Miller looked from Ryan’s face to hers. “Kari?”

This couldn’t be happening. She couldn’t be asking for prayer for her failing marriage seated next to Ryan Taylor. “Umm . . .” Her eyes stayed fixed on a spot near the door. She couldn’t say it, couldn’t spell out the fact that her husband was cheating on her. Fresh tears burned their way down her cheeks, and she could feel her heart pounding in her temples.

Help me, Lord . . . please.

She exhaled slowly and found a supernatural strength within. What did it matter if Ryan knew about her and Tim? She’d gotten her answer about Ryan’s feelings for her a long time ago.

Ryan Taylor did not love her; he never had. Not the way she’d dreamed of back when she was sixteen and he was heading off to college.

And Ryan was beside the point anyway. Tim was her husband, the man God wanted her to stay with. She lifted her eyes and looked first at Mr. Miller, then at his wife. “Please . . . pray for my marriage.” Her gaze drifted down again. “I love my husband very much and . . . well, he doesn’t want to be married anymore.”

A soft gasp escaped from Mrs. Miller as she reached out and took hold of both Kari’s hands. “Child . . . I’m so sorry.”

Kari could feel Ryan looking at her, but she refused to meet his gaze. This moment wasn’t about her and Ryan. It was about hearing the voice of God and knowing that this place, this circle of prayer was where she needed to be. Sitting among church family, lifting up the shreds of her tattered marriage to the only One who had power enough to fix it.

If Ryan Taylor was part of that prayer circle, so be it. She could use all the prayer she could get.

Silence hung in the room for a moment, and then Mr. Miller bowed his head and reached out his hands—one to his wife and one to Ryan. Mrs. Miller let go of Kari’s left hand and took hold of her husband’s.

The circle was intact except for the place where Kari and Ryan sat. From the corner of her eye she saw Ryan raise his hand in her direction, and she took it without hesitating. As she felt the warmth of his stronger, larger hand in hers, a piece of her heart began to melt.

Noreen and Ashley and Brooke had peppered her with questions, but not Ryan. Even if they had been the only two in the room, he would have let her talk and then simply taken her hand. It was what he’d always done even back when they were kids. As if he didn’t need her to fill in the missing places of a conversation because he already knew what they were.

They had been that close.

Long before she loved him and imagined that he loved her, Ryan had been her friend—maybe the best friend she ever had. Now, with her hand in his and his strong presence beside her, she remembered why.

Mr. Miller led the prayer, pleading with God to help Ryan remain clearheaded and focused and aware that the fear of the Lord was the beginning of wisdom. For Kari he prayed that God would change Tim’s heart, that he would remind Tim of the height from which he’d fallen, and that the Lord himself would quickly and miraculously restore their marriage.

The prayer lasted several minutes. When it was over, as they were releasing the hold they had on each other’s hands, Kari thought she felt Ryan squeeze ever so slightly. Almost as if he was seconding the motion, agreeing with Mr. Miller in his desire to see Kari’s prayer answered.

Mrs. Miller looked from Kari to Ryan and smiled. “I’m so glad you came for prayer.”

She has no idea how awkward this is.
Kari urged the corners of her mouth upward. “Thanks.”

Another hug, and Mrs. Miller took her husband’s hand. The two left with promises to continue praying. Then the door shut behind them, and Kari and Ryan were alone.

She looked up, and her eyes met his. She could see no spark or attraction, only a kindness that surrounded her with comfort. They were two old friends whose grown-up lives had taken them in different directions. But they were friends who still cared deeply. As their eyes held, she was frustrated to feel tears welling up again.

Without saying a word, he came to her and wrapped his arms tenderly around her, pulling her into a hug that erased the years in a single instant. A combination of feelings consumed Kari’s heart. She realized she was at once grateful for his friendship and brokenhearted at the distance time had placed between them. Here in his presence she suddenly felt the loss of him more deeply, and that grief, piled onto all the rest, made her erupt into fresh sobs.

He lowered his head so that it hovered next to hers, and his hand worked soothing circles into the small of her back. “Shhh . . . it’s okay, Kari girl.”

Kari girl . . .

His words acted like a balm to her soul, and she ached at having gone so long without hearing her name on his lips. His very presence felt like a gift from yesterday.

She stayed that way, her hands at her side, sheltered in the warmth of his arms, until finally he pulled away. His eyes met hers, and he searched the secret places of her soul for a long while, reading her heart as easily as he’d always been able to do. “Want to talk about it?”

No questions or guesses or inquisition. Just the same offer he might have made if they were teenagers again.

A shaky sigh escaped from her heart’s darkest closet, and slowly she allowed the door to open. It was strange, in a way, because they hadn’t seen each other for years. She really didn’t know the man Ryan Taylor had become. Yet somehow she knew she could still trust him, this friend whom she’d grown up adoring. With her life crashing in around her, she was simply grateful beyond words for his concern.

“He wants a divorce.” The pain of the confession was so intense that she was unable to maintain eye contact. Her gaze fell to the tiled floor, and Ryan reached down and took her hands in his.

If he had questions, he still wasn’t asking, but suddenly she wanted him to know. She kept her gaze downward and spoke in quiet whispers. “He’s been cheating on me for . . . for a while now. I’m staying with my parents for a few weeks so I can think about things.”

Ryan crooked his finger and gently caught her chin, lifting it so that their eyes met. Every word, every inflection of his voice was kind and deliberate. “You still love him, don’t you?”

With that, something between them changed, and the distant sounds of music and people talking faded entirely. They stood there, eyes locked, while Kari considered his question. Who was she fooling? She could never see Ryan Taylor as merely a friend.
God, I’ve missed this man. What am I doing here?

She felt as if her heart had fallen from her chest, the same way she had felt on the roller coaster at the county fair last spring. The way she felt the first time she kissed Ry—

Her eyes closed, and she stepped backward, steadying herself in the process.
I do love him . . . Tim, I mean . . . don’t I, Lord? Give me the strength to be Ryan’s friend without these other feelings.

Ryan was waiting, and Kari opened her eyes. “Yes . . . I love him.” The words were bitter on her tongue. “God wants me to love him until . . . until he changes.”

She’d be going home in a few minutes, taking a pregnancy test in the morning. She was probably already a few months pregnant with a child who would be raised without a father. She wondered what Tim was doing . . . Tim and his girlfriend.

Suddenly Kari was overwhelmed with the need to be away from Ryan Taylor. He was her friend, yes. But he was also her first love, and clearly her heart had not forgotten. She took another step backward and smiled sadly. “Ryan, I’ve got to go.”

Ryan caught her hand once more, and she saw no ulterior motives in his eyes. “Listen, Kari, I’m here . . . if you need a friend.”

If he was a magnet, then she was solid steel. The air between them grew more charged than before, and she knew better than to linger in a dark and quiet prayer room in the presence of Ryan Taylor.

God had allowed her heart to be comforted by the understanding of an old friend.

Now it was time to go.

She nodded and locked eyes with Ryan one last time. Then she turned and made her way quickly out the back door toward her family’s sedan before he could see the fresh tears in her eyes. Or the way his presence had stirred a memory within her of a boy she’d once dreamed was her knight in shining armor. A boy she thought for sure she would marry.

Thoughts she’d long since assumed were dead.

Until now.

Chapter Eleven

The car door was unlocked. Kari slipped inside and leaned her head back, trying to figure out in which direction her heart was traveling and what she could do to regain control of her emotions.

A strong breeze had kicked up, and she left the car door partially open, allowing the autumn air to wash over her. Had she just spent the past half hour with Ryan Taylor? Praying with him about her marriage to Tim? It didn’t seem possible.

Ten minutes passed, and her parents returned with Cole. They said nothing to her then or on the ride home, though her eyes were swollen from crying. Before they got out of the car, her father turned and winked at her. “I know it was hard, honey. But I’m glad you went.”

He and her mom knew nothing of Ryan Taylor, obviously, and Kari nodded, too confused to say anything about their encounter just yet. “Yeah. Me too.”

She managed to avoid questions from Ashley, who was curled on the sofa sipping from a mug. There was no way Kari could talk now. She desperately needed to be alone.

Once upstairs she went to her room and stared out the window. The leaves were half gone from the trees, scattered across the yard and driveway. The image of her parents’ front yard blurred, and she remembered one fall a few years before she and Ryan broke up when he was home from college for the weekend. The two of them had raked the Baxters’ yard until they had a leaf pile four feet high.

“Let’s jump,” Ryan teased her.

She threw her hands in the air and did a back flop on the pile. From beneath a layer of leaves, she yelled at him, “Your turn.”

“Okay.” Ryan laughed. “Look out.” He fell in alongside her. There under the cover of a foot of leaves they kissed until they both broke free of the pile, laughing and gasping for air.

She closed her eyes. The last thing she needed to think about was Ryan. But how could she not after spending time with him again, feeling his arms around her? She blinked and turned away from the window, plopping down on her old bed.

Long ago when she had first fallen for Ryan, she’d learned a technique to control her randomly impure thoughts. The Clear Creek Community Church youth pastor had taught it to the youth group, and somehow it had stayed with her to this day.

“Put arms and legs on whatever thought you don’t want, and then picture yourself handcuffing the little guy,” the youth pastor had said. “Once he’s all bound up, toss him out of your head.”

Thoughts come, he’d told them. There’s nothing anyone can do about that. “But when they come we can sit them down, give them a Coke, and entertain them . . . hope they stay for a while. Or—” the kids had snickered at the imagery—“we can handcuff the little so-and-sos and be done with them.”

If ever there was a time when she should be handcuffing her thoughts, it was now. Kari stared at the ceiling, but all she could see was Ryan’s face. She drew a steadying breath.
Lord, you know my heart. You know I’m mad at Tim. This is all his fault. But sometimes I think Ryan knows me better than I even know myself.

Silence.

Her fingers tapped out a rhythm on her knees. This was no time to be remembering Ryan. Her future with Tim would never happen if she didn’t start thinking about it soon.

A plan. That’s what she needed. The shock of Tim’s affair had left her emotionally frozen, but now it was time to act. She was angry, yes, and betrayed. But she was willing to fight for her marriage, willing to do whatever was necessary to get him back.

She put together a mental to-do list. She’d forgotten to find Pastor Mark and make an appointment; first thing tomorrow she’d call and do that. Then she’d call Tim. There was no point waiting for him to make a move toward reconciliation. No, she needed to talk to him, and soon. In fact, she needed to see him. Maybe she’d drive to his office tomorrow and reiterate that she wanted to work things out.