Redemption (26 page)

“I don’t expect you to say anything or even feel anything for me. But this game we’re playing? I can’t be a part of it anymore. It’s becoming,” Bryan paused, weighing the consequences of continuing. There was no stopping now, Pandora’s proverbial box had been opened. “It’s becoming too real for me, and the last time I let myself really feel anything it cost me too much. So here’s the deal. No more pretending. Because the thing is, if I hurt you, I’d never be able to live with myself.”

“Bryan-” Cassidy began, but he cut her off.

“Let me finish. If I have a chance, even the smallest chance, you need to let me know now. I know I don’t deserve you, not even close. Tell me you feel nothing, tell me to leave you alone, and I will. I’ll have to force every step I take away from you, but I’ll do it if you want me to. You won’t have to see me until the wedding, and after that, I’ll be gone forever. Cassidy, I need you to tell me what you want me to do. Because I know what I want, and it’s you.”

Her eyes glistened, and she fought to hold back her tears. She was his fake-date. Bryan was just caught up in the game, confused and fuzzy from the drinks he’d had, forgetting how ordinary she was compared to the women in his life. She shook her head.

“No,” she whispered, “you’re just -”

“Yes,” he said firmly.

Cassidy felt weak. “It’s the drinks, or you getting caught up in all this. You can’t know any of that after a few days, Bryan,” she protested.

Liar. You know and you’re holding back.

“Yes,” he repeated, and kissed her again, his lips barely touching hers, but it was enough to let her know he was telling the truth.

Her tears fell.

And so did she.

At that moment, Cassidy knew that she was doomed. Bryan Roemer might want her, but at some point over the past few days, she’d fallen in love with him. He sounded so sure, and she really wanted to believe him. She couldn’t speak. She looked at him, willing him to read what was in her heart - that she did have feelings for him, but she was scared, too.

She shook her head again, sadly this time.

“What about your California girl?” she asked, hating the bitterness that found its way into her voice.

“Mara? I was never in love with her. It’s always been about...something else between us,” he stopped, looking a bit ashamed before he continued, “Before I came back here, started spending time with you, every day was the same: empty. For the past six months, I’ve felt,” Bryan sighed, feeling the full weight of those months, “dead inside, even hollow.”

He couldn’t mean these things. Cassidy’s shoulders slumped.

“What about Miranda?”

He bristled at the name, visibly affected. “She’s in the past where she belongs, where she’s belonged for a very long time.”

Cassidy sighed. Miranda might be in the past, but what she’d done to him was very much in the present. He didn’t know what he was saying. She was just a way to bide his time while he was in New Jersey. She wouldn’t allow herself to believe that anything he might feel for her went beyond the depths of surface attraction.

“Bryan, it’s late, and I’m not sure you realize what you’re saying.” Her voice caught in her throat, and she swallowed hard before continuing, knowing that she was going to have to choose her words carefully. Cassidy opened the door and quickly climbed from the Jeep before he could stop her. “Call me tomorrow and we’ll talk more.”

Go after her,
Bastion’s voice whispered to Bryan who sat, stunned, in the driver’s seat.
Now!

Bryan jumped out and raced to the front door, catching her before she could enter the house, closing the door on him, disappearing. “Cassidy, don’t leave it like that.”

She fidgeted with her coat, pulling it more tightly around herself. “Leave it like what, Bryan? What you said is a lot to take in, and it’s late.” She sighed again, suddenly weary.

“Look at me, please.” He moved to stand in front of her and gently brushed aside the hair that had blown across her face in the wind, lifting her chin so their eyes met. “Did I upset you?”

“No,” she lied.

“You don’t believe me?”

“Like I said, a lot to take in, and -” she stopped herself.

“And what?” Bryan asked.

Now it was Cassidy’s turn to struggle for words. “And I’m...” her words, unfinished, drifted off into the silence and stillness of the night.

“You’re what?” He wasn’t dense. Bryan could sense that she cared for him. Perhaps it just didn’t mean the same thing for her as it did for him. If that was the case, what was with the kissing? “Not interested? Don’t want to hurt my feelings? What is it, Cass? Just say it.”

“Scared,” she answered, her voice barely above a whisper.

“You don’t have to be scared around me, or of me for that matter,” Bryan replied.

“I’m not afraid of you, Bryan,” Cassidy began. “I’m afraid to read too much into what you’re saying. Mostly, I’m afraid of letting myself feel what I do every time I see you.”

Bryan shivered, and it had nothing to do with standing outside on a cold, winter night. “What do you feel when you’re with me?” he asked.

“I want to be in your world, too,” she answered, her voice still quiet and small. “But you’re still getting over Miranda, and you have Mara, and I’m not really sure if there’s any room for me.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, neither one of
them
are the ones whose lips I’ve been kissing tonight.” Bryan said. “You’re the one I can’t get enough of.”

He smiled, and Cassidy noticed that it was the same one she’d seen on his face while he danced with Miranda just days ago. Bryan pulled her into his embrace and held onto her like he was afraid to let go, afraid that if he did she would be gone forever.

She opened her mouth to continue, but before any words could find their way out, he cupped her face and pressed his mouth to hers. In that kiss, Cassidy could feel more than just desire. She felt his joy mix with his own fears. Her head swam. Bryan’s hands were in her hair, his lips were on hers, his body was pressed against
her.

“Cassidy,” he breathed against her lips before kissing her again.

She reached behind her back, turned the doorknob, and pulled him inside the house.

I
t was late, and the entire house was silent. Everyone had gone to bed, and Cassidy felt a little bit like a teenager again, sneaking her boyfriend in after curfew. The thought made her smile. She held his hand, directing him toward the library. As the room in the farthest part of the house, it guaranteed them the most privacy.

Bryan closed the door quietly, and they shed their coats. In seconds Cassidy was quickly and smoothly swept into his arms. One hand held her securely around her waist. With the other he applied the slightest pressure to the back of her neck, guiding her face toward him, his fingers in her hair. The boy sure knew how to kiss a girl. With each caress, each touch of his lips to hers, Cassidy felt more of herself giving way. He was a part of her now, and she wasn’t sure how she’d be able to resist anything he wanted, especially when he kept doing such tempting things to her. Barely coherent now that he’d begun kissing a trail down her neck, one thought went through her mind.

Derek must really be incredible for Miranda to have turned
this
down.

Just when she was certain she’d combust, Bryan stopped. He smiled down at her, all evidence of his earlier emotional strain gone. Cassidy placed a hand on his face, feeling the smooth skin.

“Hi,” she whispered.

“Hi.”

“Are we crazy?” Cassidy asked.

“Just about each other.” He played with her hair as he spoke, twirling a lock between his index finger and thumb.

He knew what she meant. Were they crazy when he was leaving in a few days? When she lived on the other side of the country? He hadn’t really thought any of this through, hadn’t intended on pouring his heart out to her. Somehow he would find a way. He couldn’t leave now. After the wedding, he’d go back to California, pack up his life, and return to her.

Without Cassidy, what life would he have, anyway?

They sat on the couch, and Cassidy reclined against him, pulling his arms around her. She kissed his hand and smiled.

Bryan didn’t want to move. She was truly, and in every way possible, too good for him. He marveled that she felt anything for him at all and was overcome by his need for her. He was desperate to be sure this wasn’t an illusion, more sent just to torment and break him.

“Stay with me tonight.” The words erupted from him.

She looked nervous. “Bryan, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?” He kissed the top of her head and murmured into her hair, “Come back with me.”

Images of Cassidy in a nightshirt, or better yet, in his shirt or nothing at all, consumed him. She was the most heavenly creature he’d ever been near. He could tell by the way her breathing had sped up that she was considering it. She was conflicted, torn between her beliefs and her desire for him. Bryan shifted so he could kiss her again, passionately, the kind of kiss that changed minds. Beneath his hands and the pressure of his lips on hers, he could feel her resolve waver. He felt like a deviant for trying to convince her, but he needed her. He needed to feel her. To go to sleep and wake up wrapped around her.

Cassidy finally found her voice. “Though I might want to, I...can’t. Not after a few days,” she paused, her gaze drifting to her lap, avoiding him. “I’m sorry if that disappoints you.”

He was disappointed, not in her, but in himself. What was he doing? She wasn’t Mara. She was clean. She was goodness. She was gentle. And he’d almost ruined her. She deserved more than that.

Her sadness blanketed them both. Bryan could see how deeply it went. And behind the sadness lurked more fear. He felt himself falling, sinking into her memories. She was in a prison of her own; beauty like hers was often mistreated, used. Too many had viewed her as an object of pleasure rather than a person who should be cherished. Once they got what they wanted out of her, they moved on. It hurt every time and still she remained open, willing to risk, waiting for love. He saw the face of the one who had caused her the most pain. He could feel the tear in her heart, sense the conflict in her. Would Bryan be the same? Should she just give in?

She always fell for the wrong man, for the wrong
type
.

She always fell for someone like me
, he thought.
Whoa. How did I see all that?

“No, I understand,” he said, trying to find a way out. “Cass, I just want to be near you. I only meant that I don’t want the night to end.” Perhaps that would undo some of the damage he’d caused.

She didn’t believe him. And with his reputation, why should she?

“Really?” Her blue eyes were cloudy with doubt.

“Really.” Bryan smiled at her, hoping she’d see the truth in it, hear the honesty in his voice.

“Thank you,” she whispered, leaning against him.

In that instant, Bryan decided that he would do whatever it took to protect her - body, heart, and soul. His own soul might be black as pitch, but hers glowed with a light that was pure. He couldn’t fathom how not even one of those other men he’d seen flicker before his vision had been able to see her for the treasure she was. Their loss. His gain. And no one would make her feel like she wasn’t good enough ever again. Bryan pulled her close and simply held her.

They’d have to answer to him for it if they tried.

 

“What is she?” Bastion asked. He heard the sharpness in his tone but didn’t care.

Luscid stalked across the patio and planted his sword firmly in the ground before answering. “The peace of God.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know all of that. The Sandals, the peace, I get it. There’s more.” Bastion began. “She’s not like the others, stronger somehow. What is it? What
is
she?”

“I just told you.
The
Peace of God,” Luscid repeated.

Bastion arched a brow. “Purposely evasive? Am I supposed to guess? Really. The suspense is killing me.”

“You’re around him too much. You’re beginning to sound like him.” Luscid hooked a thumb in Bryan’s direction, frowned, and, after casting a glance around to be sure that no one could overhear him, he continued, “This is not known by many, so you must promise to keep her identity a secret.”

Bastion looked him as though to say, ‘
You’re kidding, right?’

He lowered his massive body into one of the lounge chairs and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Cassidy has always been able to see me, that much you know. She radiates God’s peace, that much you know. What you don’t know is that when she was fifteen, Cassidy died.”

Mimicking his position, Bastion sat on the opposite chair. “Died?”

“Technically speaking, yes. She was dead for about five minutes, and it changed her.” Luscid raked his hand through his long, blonde hair. It was obvious that he didn’t like retelling what had happened. “There was a car accident, she was with a group of older friends. I remember seeing the impact and then there she was, standing next to me, looking down on herself. We just stared at one another for a while. She asked me a question, and then He sent her back.”