Redemption: Reckless Desires (Blue Moon Saloon Book 3) (3 page)

Not regrets. Not their own stupidity. Not even their own failures.

And Jesus, did he have a long list of those.

He’d failed to make Sarah his mate when he’d had the chance, a long time ago. He’d failed to come clean with her about who he was and how much he wanted her. Worst of all, he’d failed to protect her the night of the rogue attack in Montana. He’d been miles away when it happened instead of at her side.

And yet, Sarah had survived — and thank God for that — but she’d been hurt. Burned. Scarred on the outside and probably inside, too, judging by the haunted look in her eyes. She was scarred forever, and he hadn’t done anything to prevent that.

Jesus, maybe fate had spared Sarah just to rub in his failures even more.

Some stubborn part of his mind rejected the thought. Fate spared Sarah because she was good and kind and deserving. More deserving than him, that was for sure.

Maybe it’s not punishment,
his bear tried.
Maybe it’s our second chance.

Second fucking chance at what? Sarah was pregnant with some other guy’s baby. There would be no second chance for him.

Redemption,
his bear whispered.
To prove ourselves all over again.

He barked out a bitter laugh and sank down in a dark corner of the shop. He buried his head in his hands and clawed at his scalp. Sure. He’d prove what an idiot he had been.

The rusty door screeched open, and a shaft of hot Arizona sunlight fell across his knees, searing him like a brand of shame.

“Soren,” his brother murmured, standing silhouetted in the doorway.

He growled. The last thing he needed was a pep talk, least of all from his little brother.

“Leave,” he barked.

But Simon didn’t leave, damn it. He came in, one cautious step at a time, and then slid down the opposite wall. And just sat there, damn it, looking at him.

The shop was supposed to be Soren’s refuge, his den. The place he could get away from everything. Any spare hour he didn’t spend prowling the forest when work was finished, he spent in here, hammering away at the ghosts of his past. Chipping and sanding them into oblivion. So much and so often that he’d allowed himself to believe he’d had them all beat.

Until now.

“Close the door,” he grunted. If his brother wasn’t leaving, the least he could do was that.

Simon sighed and kicked the door, sending up a cloud of sawdust that hovered in the light. Even then, the door remained ajar, letting a crack of the unrelenting sun slice inside.

His brother let another unbearably silent minute tick by before trying again.

“Soren… Look, Sarah is alive.”

His inner bear nodded eagerly.
Alive! Our mate is alive!

Soren felt his eyes blaze with anger and a few stubborn tears. Of course, he was happy to see her alive. That was the important thing. But the shock of it all, the kick in the gut when he realized she was pregnant, and the bitter truth of his own failures — those stung. Deep.

“I gave up on her, Simon. I let myself believe she was dead.” He kicked at the dust. Maybe that’s what fate was up to: taking Sarah away because he didn’t deserve her.

“We saw with our own eyes,” Simon protested. “Her place was burned down, and the cops carried three body bags away. The only trail we could find was the scent of her heading into the fire, not out. How were you supposed to know?”

Soren closed his eyes, but that didn’t clear his mind of the memory. Sarah’s parents had run a trading post on the edge of the town closest to the forest they used to call home. The weathered wooden boards were charred black and still smoking when he’d gotten there two days after the massacre. It didn’t take long for him and Simon to piece together what had happened. First, the rogues had ambushed the bear clan and killed everyone in cold blood. Then they’d taken out the neighboring wolf pack, and finally, the trading post.

“Blame the Blue Bloods, not yourself,” Simon went on.

Soren nearly spat at the sound of the name. That band of extremist wolf rogues had risen out of nowhere with a hate-driven mission to preserve racial purity among shifters. Because they objected to the Black River bear clan mixing with the local wolf pack, they had annihilated both in an attack that came out of nowhere. And somehow, the Blue Bloods had learned about Soren’s not-so-secret affair with a human and decided to eliminate her family, too.

If only he’d been there. If only he’d had his chance to fight.

“You think the Blue Bloods knew about you and Sarah?” Simon asked.

Soren let out a puff of air. He should have been more careful. The bear clan knew he’d been seeing Sarah, though they’d always tolerated it as a bit of fooling around by a hungry young male. It was only when he’d let the M word slip that the shit had hit the fan.

Mate?
His grandfather had roared when Soren tried to explain about Sarah.
That human will never be your mate.

The old man had even gone so far as to arrange for a mate for Soren without asking him. Without so much as
telling
him, in fact, until the day he’d announced it to the whole clan. And when Soren continued to see Sarah — because how could he stay away from the woman he was destined to love forever? — his grandfather had sent him and Simon away. Officially, it was supposed to be a time to learn from their East Coast relatives before coming home to assume more power, but Soren knew it was supposed to make him forget Sarah.

As if he could forget her. He’d sooner forget the feel of the sun on his skin in summer or the color of the aspens in fall. The majesty of a winter moon over snowy mountains, the sound and fresh taste of the creeks in the spring.

But it had all seemed so hopeless at the time that he’d given in to the intense pressure and told Sarah it was over when he was forced to leave home.

She’d seemed as gutted by the news as he was, but obviously, she’d gotten over him real fast. All her tears and insistence that she’d wait for him, all that talk about forever…

The image of the baby bump filled his mind, and bile rose in his throat.

He scratched furiously at his jeans. His grandfather must have been right about humans not knowing how to be faithful. Not the way bears did.

He’d dreamed of Sarah every day after he left Montana — and every night. Imagined a thousand different ways to make it work. He’d plotted and planned how he would stand up to his grandfather when he got home and how he would explain to Sarah. How he’d finally explain
everything
and finally, finally be able to claim his mate.

He snorted at how naïve he’d been. What did it matter how much time he spent dreaming about Sarah if she never dreamed about him? He kicked at the dust. So much for true love. So much for destiny.

Mate,
his bear whimpered, filled with more sadness than anger.
All your fault.

He hung his head. It was true. Some other guy had won Sarah over, and it was his own damn fault for giving her up.

“My fault as much as yours,” Simon said, reading his mind.

“Sure,” he growled. “Let me blame you. Let me blame everyone but myself.”

His brother shot him a twisted smile. “You’re good at that. Blaming yourself.”

He didn’t bother answering, because his brother had no clue what it was like to bear the pressure he’d been raised with. Soren was born to be the next alpha of their clan in the time-honored bear tradition of passing power from grandfather to grandson. He’d been raised to lead and to sacrifice for the common good. To live a caged life within a spider web of unwritten rules, expectations, and demands. Blaming himself was the one bit of self-determination he was allowed.

“The Blue Bloods, Soren. It all comes down to them.” Simon’s voice grew hard.

Soren let his bear claws out and dragged them across the floor. They dug furrows through the sawdust, then scraped against the cement beneath. Harder and harder, the way he’d like to rip at fate.

“One of these days, we’ll finish what we started,” Simon whispered. “Take out every last one.”

Soren nodded. That had been their mistake — to stop after they’d tracked down and killed every Blue Blood rogue that had played a direct role in the massacre in Montana. It had taken months, and after that, they’d both been too empty to fight on. For every rogue they took out, it seemed two others joined what was becoming a widespread extremist movement.

Of course, there were good wolves, too. The wolves of Twin Moon Ranch who leased the saloon to Soren and his brother were gathering forces to go after the Blue Bloods themselves, but the wait was killing him.

“Take out every last one,” he murmured.

Kill them.
His bear channeled his anger in that direction.
Kill them.

He considered. Maybe that was his best option — to throw himself into a counter-crusade. Maybe he could find redemption that way. He’d go down in history as the bear who wiped the Blue Bloods into oblivion.

He sat a little straighter. Maybe that was what he ought to do. It wasn’t quite an idea yet, much less a plan, but it was the beginning of one. Sarah needed help; that much was clear. And because he loved her — God, he would never stop loving her — he’d help set her up for some kind of future with whatever asshole she’d chosen over him. He was honor-bound to let her stay until he got her set up somewhere else.

Her and the baby and some other guy?
his bear protested.

The idea made him feel sick, but what choice did he have?

There is no other guy.
His bear shook his head.
Didn’t you see the look in her eyes?

Well, he sure as hell had seen the baby bump, right?

Still, he plowed on with ideas he despised because his empty soul was desperate for something to strive for, even if it couldn’t be her.

So first, he needed to get Sarah on her feet again. Needed to keep her safe from the Blue Bloods. Then he’d be ready to take on the rogues that had stolen everything from him — his family, his mate, his future.

And after
, his bear rambled on,
we come home to our true love.

He shook his head. The stupid beast didn’t get it. There’d be no one to come home to, because Sarah has chosen someone else. If he were lucky, he’d die from his wounds, dreaming of his mate, a minute or two after the last rogue had drawn its last breath.

He frowned. If he weren’t lucky, he’d survive, and life would go on as before. Empty. Listless. A wheel churning around and around, like his gut was doing right now.

He did his best to push that thought away. If nothing else, he might be able to live with himself. That was the best he could hope for.

Want a life with my mate,
his bear sniffed.
Want her back.

He closed his eyes and shook his head. Let the bear dream on. Inside, he’d be working on a plan. A plan that started with keeping Sarah safe.

Even with his eyes closed, he could feel his brother’s suspicious look. “What are you thinking?”

“Nothing,” he lied. “Nothing.” He got to his feet, suddenly resolute.

“Now, why do I doubt that?” Simon shot after him as he strode out of the shed.

Sarah didn’t want to walk away from Jessica, but she sure couldn’t stay. She hurried down the sidewalk, wondering what on earth she would do. Catch yet another bus? Curl up in a hidden corner somewhere and give up? Dig even deeper for reserves she knew she didn’t have?

“Sarah,” a voice called, stopping her in her tracks. It was deep as the night, as gritty as a mountain stream.

Soren.

She pulled up short. Wherever he had stomped off to, he was back and coming after her in a rush. His swift, sure steps powered up behind her, and the shadow thrown by his bulk sheltered her from the pulsing power of the sun.

“Sarah,” he whispered.

She hung her head, wanting so, so badly to turn around and collapse into his arms. Big, thick arms that always made her feel so protected, so desired.

God, where was the capable woman she’d once been?

“I have to go,” she mumbled.

The shadow covering her like a comforting quilt shook its head. “You just got here.”

She tried remembering the vague plan she’d been working on during the long bus ride. “I need to go. I need to find a job.”

“We have a job here.” Soren spoke the way he always did, quietly and with authority. Leaving no room for a no. She’d have bet anything his blue eyes were doing that trick of theirs, too. Almost glowing with sincerity. Intensity. Power.

She slid a hand over her belly and gulped. She needed a job. Jesus, she needed it bad.

Her feet refused to move, but her head stubbornly shook left and right, saying no. “I need a place to stay.”

“We have space,” he insisted, coming up beside her. “Lots of space.”

She didn’t dare meet his eyes, but she followed the hand that pointed up at the windows over the café. Big, ornate windows leading to what looked like a spacious apartment.

Her heart skipped a beat just at the thought of a place to rest from running, if only for a little while. But how was that supposed to work? How could she possibly live and work around Soren?