Redemption Song (33 page)

Ben waved at his smiling parents who stood in the crowd of angels, expressions as proud as he’d ever seen them. And without a second thought, he took off in a sprint toward the figure in white, who wrapped Ben up in his arms when he reached him.

Ben giggled and hugged the man he’d seen so many times in his dreams but had never been able to touch.

“Well done, little Ben,” Jesus said. “Welcome home.”

Sometimes He Opens a Window

"For He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; He has not hidden His face from him, but has listened to his cry for help."

Psalm 22:24

Alaina

Alaina dropped her gaze down to the ivory piece of parchment that rested in her hands with a mixture of emotions. It’d been one of the hardest tasks she’d ever accomplished, but she was glad Granny Mae made her go through with it. Alaina had to admit; if Granny hadn’t made her, she’d probably still be spending her every waking moment cooped up in the house moping around and going through all of Ben’s clothes and toys that she adamantly refused to get rid of.

It’d been different with her parents. Everything had happened so fast with them. Once they were gone, and the bills started piling up, there was no other choice but to get rid of everything just to claim the small amount of money it might bring in. But it was different with Ben. He’d left behind no debt. His bills had been taken care of by an anonymous donor in the community. She’d found out that it wasn’t her church, after all, which only left someone in the community that knew of her situation. She only wished she knew who so that she could properly thank them. If it hadn’t been for that generous person, there’s no way she’d be where she was now—standing on the sidewalk outside of the cinderblock walled institution, holding her very own high school diploma.

Granted, it’d been difficult—going back to school only a couple of weeks after attending the funeral for her little brother—but it was worth it, if for nothing more than to just get her mind off of things. Alaina was able to direct her sole focus into her work during those summer days, locked up in the school with no one around but herself and the vice principal, Mrs. Hall. When Granny Mae realized how badly Alaina was taking Ben’s death, she’d called Mrs. Hall and asked if there was any way for Alaina to catch up on some of the hours she’d missed from dropping the previous year. Turns out, Alaina had only been a couple of credits away from graduating when she began her senior year. So Mrs. Hall set Alaina up a desk in her office and put together an independent study for her. It took all of July and August, including days of work in Mrs. Hall’s office and nights of work at the house, but she’d done it. She’d finished. Credits complete. Diploma signed.

Now, Alaina stood on that sidewalk and looked out at the scene ahead of her. In reality, it was only the front lawn of the school and the asphalt circular drive around it, but Alaina saw none of that. She only saw a blank slate. No future and no plan. It was as though her life was at a standstill. She’d made it through the storm. She’d cried and felt beaten; battle scars were etched on her emotions. But she’d made it through.

Only one question remained. What now? With the financial freedom provided by the anonymous donation, Alaina’s work hours had been reduced to only a couple of days a week—a schedule more conducive to the work week of someone her age. And Alaina knew she had absolutely no desire to wait tables at the restaurant on the pier for the rest of her life. So what was next for her? The future was imminent. Time would pass as time always does and no matter how bad Alaina fought it, her life would continue on with or without her. But Alaina didn’t want it to continue on. What did she have left that was worth moving forward to?

Her parents were gone. Her little brother was gone. Her friends were gone. Her home was gone. Ethan . . . was gone.

Alaina tried to keep her faith and to know that God’s hand was on her life, holding it firmly in place with the strength that only he could provide, but she couldn’t help but feel as though God had completely abandoned her to an existence of nothing but pain and loss. She could have faith all day long, but at the end of the day, one fact rang true—she was alone.

There was no sugarcoated solution to change that or bring her past back and fix everything that had gone wrong along the way. All that remained was reality. Hard, cold, unrelenting reality.

Maybe that was the reason for Alaina’s sudden need to exclude herself from the rest of the world around her. She’d been secluded before in her busy schedule with work and Ben, but after Ben died, and there was no longer that situation to fill her time, Alaina had found no meaning and no purpose to her life. So she fell into a new routine. She went to school and then came home and did homework. Occasionally, she went to work where she punched her time card in and out at the exact scheduled times. She didn’t watch television. She didn’t listen to the radio. She just sat.

Granny Mae worried about her, of course. And even Alaina couldn’t explain the reason for her sudden change in attitude, but she just couldn’t shake it. Alaina had felt a mixture of sadness and relief as she’d held her little brother and watched God take him from her—sadness for his loss, but relief for the end of his pain. But after that day, the feelings disappeared. All of them.

She felt nothing. She was numb.

When Alaina had first learned of Ben’s illness, she’d prayed and drawn closer to God than she ever was before. She read His word and lived out what it said. She did everything it told her to do, but what happened? She still lost everything. She’d prayed for Ethan’s salvation, but what happened? He lied to her and then left her. She’d prayed for Ben’s healing, but what happened? He died.

God had not answered her prayers. How could He really be in this situation like she thought when there was no proof of His presence anywhere around her?

But the thing that bugged Alaina more than anything was the fact that she wasn’t mad at God. She was mad at herself. She knew that she should be stronger in this situation. She shouldn’t doubt her faith just because of her circumstances, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t bring herself back to the place with God that she’d been before Ben’s death. Her heart wasn’t in it like it was before. She felt as though God had left her and she couldn’t bring herself to go chasing after Him.

Ever since Ben’s untimely death, Alaina had not been able to do anything but push through each day, trying to remain as wrapped up in her studies as possible, to distract her ever racing mind from all of the thoughts and memories that continually kept it flooded. But she’d reached the end of that distraction. She was done studying. She had the diploma. Nothing remained but a vast array of indecisiveness and possibility. Which brought Alaina right back to her initial question.

What now?

The sun reflected in blinding beams off the mirror-tinted window as the roaring truck sped up the circular drive and came to a screeching halt in front of her. Alaina made her way to the passenger side door and flung it open. She lifted a leg high in the air, grabbed the emergency handle, and pulled herself up into the truck. The driver glanced over with curious eyes and Alaina tossed the roll of parchment into his lap.

A grin stretched across Cam’s face. “Congratulations, graduate!”

Alaina rolled her eyes. “Thanks, but it’s not that big of a deal.”

“The heck it’s not,” Cam stated. “You just completed your entire senior year in two months. You can be stubborn all you want, Alaina, but I don’t care what you say. That is a big deal.”

A smiled played at Alaina’s lips. Cam was good at that. He had a way of not putting up with her down-in-the-dumps attitude and somehow . . . making her feel better. Actually, Alaina couldn’t believe the comfort that Cam had provided her in the past few months. Their relationship was purely friendship based and held no romantic undertones. They picked on each other. They played. They fought, but only in fun. With Cam, things were simple.

Granted, he wasn’t perfect, but he’d kept his word. He’d stayed by her side all those weeks in the hospital as Ben lived out his last days. He’d accompanied her to the funeral home to make arrangements. He’d held her as she cried and cried until she thought she’d never be capable of producing another tear.

Cam had made up for lost time and what they’d found in those experiences together was a deep friendship based on trust and respect. They didn’t try to go back to what they once had. That was gone and in the past. But there was a future for them even if neither knew what it would contain.

Cam pulled the truck out of the school grounds and turned in a direction opposite that of home. Alaina wondered where he was going, but seeing as she had no plans for the rest of the night, didn’t care enough to ask. “So aren’t you glad you went through with it?” he asked after a bit. “You know, got the grade, did the time, walked the walk. All that good stuff. You graduated! You’re officially a normal teenager again with a diploma and an undetermined future.”

Alaina smirked. “I don’t know about all that, but knowing that you’d made it farther academically than me . . . well, let’s just say that wasn’t going to happen.”

“Oh! I get it,” Cam laughed. You think you’re smarter than me, don’t you?”

Alaina grinned. “I know I’m smarter than you.”

“We’ll see about that.”

Alaina raised a brow at his comment, but he chose to not explain its meaning.

Cam reached his arm across the back of the bench seat, his fingers resting lazily a few inches from her shoulder. “So, Mae told me you’ve got the next few days off from work?”

Alaina felt a twinge in the pit of her stomach. She’d already thought of that and was already anxious about the days of nothingness that lay ahead of her. Now that she no longer had her homework to keep her distracted, she dreaded finding the dark places her mind would wonder when left unoccupied.

“Uh, yeah,” she said. “Almost a whole week, actually. I tried to schedule in extra days since I’m done with school now, but Tina refused. She insisted I go enjoy my last week of summer vacation.” Alaina couldn’t help but hear the sarcasm in her tone.

“Tina makes a valid point,” Cam said. He continued down the highway parallel to the water, destination unknown.

Alaina snorted. “Yeah, except it’s not technically summer vacation when you have nothing to bring it to an end. That’s the whole idea behind summer vacation. You wait all year long for it to come and then you spend every day of it wishing it wouldn’t end. I, however, have nothing to bring my summer to an end.” She was trying to sound lighthearted but felt a sigh escape.

Cam sat for a moment and said nothing. Finally, he spoke with a tone that was not sarcastic or mocking. He was serious. “What if you could have something to end it?”

Alaina turned to face him. “What are you talking about?”

He gave a slight shrug. “Let’s just say that in light of your new found accomplishment . . .” He lifted her diploma in the air between them. “. . . you decided to continue on the path of teenage normalcy and dread the end of your summer like all the rest of us?”

“What are you getting at, Cam?”

He snuck a careful glance her way. “I’m saying, don’t go back to Mae’s house and mope around hating your life like you’ve done for the past two months. I’m saying, get out there and live it like the rest of us. Have a future, Alaina.”

Alaina fixed her gaze on the flashing yellow lines that sped by under the truck’s hood as Cam continued on his unknown path. She felt her lips pressing together and tried to keep a grip on her anger, which seemed to be seeping from her emotions. She couldn’t help but feel like a water balloon that had developed a slow leak due to increased pressure, but before long would finally blow and release every built up molecule inside of it.

When she spoke she focused to keep her voice calm and controlled. “And how do you suggest I do that, Cam? Just forget it all? Everything that’s happened? Just put it in the back of my mind and leave it locked up and pretend like it never happened? Because I . . . I can’t, Cam. I can’t do that. I’ve tried and it never goes away. It’s always there . . . haunting me.”

Cam reached over and took Alaina’s hand in his. The feel of his strong hand was a familiar one and it instantly calmed her.

“Alaina, I’m not asking you to forget about your family. Or to pretend like they were never around. I’m just asking you to try to imagine the possibility of a life past the next few minutes. You do have a future and it can be whatever you want it to be. But you’re going to have to get out there and live it.”

Alaina sighed again and fought back the tears she knew were trying to break the surface. “What if . . . what if I don’t know how to do that anymore?” She glanced up at Cam and knew there was pleading in her eyes. Truth be known, she wanted to get out of this pit. She hated feeling the way she always felt. She wanted to be optimistic and cheerful and live in happy anticipation of a bright and shiny future. But she’d long forgotten how to feel all of those emotions. All she felt now was numbness and a suffocating inability to look past everything that had happened. “I don’t even know where to start.”

Cam gave her hand a slight squeeze and his playful tone returned. “That’s why you are so very privileged to have a friend like me. And you can start by not getting mad at me for taking you with me.” Cam cast a guilty grin her way and Alaina peeked in the rear view mirror curiously. They had now reached to outskirts of the Fairhope city limits and Cam veered the truck onto the Highway 42 exit ramp.

“Which is where, exactly? She asked. “Tell me where we’re going and then I’ll decide whether to be mad or not.”

“Nope, sorry, not an option,” Cam chided.