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“Honestly no. I think one day you’re going to be okay and find the beautiful and strong woman you once were. You experienced a horrible loss and you’re grieving. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to break down, but you have to live and breathe again.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know you are.”

I repeat the words again in my head. There are days I feel strong and days I feel great, yet the broken parts are sometimes stronger and win out. I have this wall around myself because I’m so scared. I’m so scared to lose something. I’m so scared to feel this pain forever. I have to protect myself. I have to protect my heart.

Mason turns me over forcing me to look at him and I do. Our eyes lock and I feel calm. I’m staring at Evan’s best friend, partner in crime, and brother. He’s here for me, pushing me, holding me, comforting me, and putting a smile on my face. This man is my rock and every day he’s making it easier to breathe.

“Do you want me to pick up dinner?”

“Yeah,” I answer. “That’ll be nice. Thanks Mason.”

He kisses my forehead and crawls out of bed. “You’re welcome. I’ll be back.”

“Okay.” I watch Mason walk out of my bedroom and slowly I get up and decide to get some cleaning done. Picking up my clothes and towel from the bathroom floor I toss them in the laundry basket. Looking around my room I grab a few other shirts and pick up the basket to head downstairs.

Putting down my basket I toss the clothes in the washer and set the timer. Turning around I look around the living area and fluff the throw pillows and organize the magazines on the coffee table.

After about an hour of cleaning I flop on the couch and place my arm over my face. The door opens and I hear Mason coming in and walking to the kitchen.

“You cleaned?”

“Yep. There better be shrimp lo mein in there for me!”

I hear Mason laugh and quickly get up and sit on the barstool while he grabs plates and two beers from the fridge.

“You need better beer,” he tells me, looking at the bottle of Bud Light Lime. “This shit is weak.”

“You’re more than welcome to get whatever you want. Tonya brought that over one night and it’s been chilling in the fridge.” He opens my beer and hands it to me. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” He puts food on both our plates and I’m so hungry I could just eat out of the containers.

He sits next to me and we eat in a comfortable silence.

“I’m using some vacation time to get some things done and take time off. The case we’re working on isn’t going anywhere and Clarke wants us on our game. I finished what I needed to and Chief wants me to reevaluate myself and take time away. The case we’re working on is fucking messing with me.”

“Why?”

“Ah I can’t talk about it too much, Care. Just know it’s a fucked up case and messing with my emotions. Devin’s the lead right now and he’s keeping me updated. Once some action happens I’ll go back. Things are calm now.”

“Evan used to say when things are calm that’s not a good sign.”

“He’s right. I feel something wrong going on. Can’t figure it out. We have half the pieces of the puzzle, but the other half is missing. People don’t want to talk. They’re scared about retaliation and don’t trust us. No matter what we do we’re the bad guys in their eyes.”

“You sure I can’t help you?”

“Positive.” He smiles. “Eat. I need to catch up on
Game of Thrones.
”

I groan. Evan loved that show. Personally I don’t get it. First of all, one of my favorite characters dies early on for NO reason and now I’m confused as hell. I only made it to the middle of season two because Evan was tired of explaining things to me so I started watching
Grey’s Anatomy
and left him alone.

“I’ve missed a lot. No idea what’s going on. Also avoiding Facebook since people love to post spoilers. So annoying.”

“Do you want to start over?”

“You’ll do that?”

“Yeah I’m cool with that.”

“I feel bad. Honestly I’ll have to watch it from the start I think to really catch on. I never really asked Evan about the show because he got so annoyed whenever I talked during GoT.”

Mason laughs and shakes his head. “Yeah he was pretty anal about that show. But you can ask me questions. I like the show, but not obsessed and a crazy fan.”

“Thanks.” I smile and nudge his shoulder.

We finish dinner and he cleans while I put away the leftovers in containers. When I close the fridge a picture of Evan and me from the policeman’s ball comes to view. I don’t cry, instead I look at the picture with a smile on my face. He has the most beautiful smile and that night they recognized him for his work with the force. Mason was also recognized for taking down a huge drug lord. Some families talked about their loved ones and we sat and listened, holding hands, and enjoying the night.

“Hey,” Mason brings me out of my thought. “You okay?”

“I am.” I smile, looking away from the picture and up at Mason. “This time I really am. Ready for GoT?”

“Ready.”

We spend the rest of the night watching
Game of Thrones
and Mason’s probably my favorite TV partner.

When I wake up the next afternoon there’s a note on the counter from Mason letting me know he’s out with Devin going over some notes about the case they’re working on. I take out my phone and text Tonya to come over and hang out.

Tonya: Be there soon!

Me: K!

Going back upstairs, I change into my bikini and throw on a light dress. Today’s really nice out, almost ninety degrees, with no clouds in the sky so a day to lay out in the sun and dip in the pool sounds good.

Back downstairs I make a pitcher of lemonade and hear the door open to see Tonya walking in.

“Hellllllo!”

“In here!” I shout.

When Tonya walks into the kitchen and looks at me she smiles big and gives me a wink. I’m sure she’s up to something and I’m sure I’m not going to like it.

“What?”

“That smile on your face. You look so good.” She hugs me again and smiles. “I’m glad you’re happy these days because, sweetie, I was so worried.”

“Well don’t be,” I smile and hand her a glass of lemonade. We head to the deck outside and enjoy the August sun, sipping on our lemonade and enjoying the silence. I love being outside. The deck is my favorite place because I’m near the lake. That’s one of the things I love about Webster. I get to enjoy nature and breathe in life.

“So how’s living with the sexy beast?”

“Really good.”

“I see.”

“What?” I laugh and turn to look at her. “What?”

“Notice how I didn’t use his name and referred to him as
sexy beast?
”

“Okay? You lost me?”

“You agree!” Tonya screeches. “You think Mason is sexy!”

“Tonya,” I groan. “It’s no big deal. Yes Mason Ryan is sexy. I am a woman with eyes you know.”

“Just saying.”

“You’re so annoying!”

“You love me.” Tonya smiles and drinks her lemonade. “I’m serious though. If you decide to move on then you can.”

“Move on? What?”

The thought of being with someone else hasn’t even crossed my mind. Moving on in that way seems impossible. How can I think about it? I lost Evan almost a year ago and I’m not ready to give away my heart. How can I? And to Mason? His best friend? There’s no way.

“Babe, I’m just saying. You don’t have to be alone forever.”

“I think I need to be alone for a while and if I do move on it’ll be with someone who is not Mason or one of Evan’s friends. That’s wrong. So wrong.”

But is it wrong? I’m happy around Mason and can be myself. We’re able to sit in a comfortable silence and don’t need to talk to one another all the time. Around him I can breathe and feel safe. I think about the kiss in the kitchen and when I’m in his arms, I let my mind wander, but to really truly move on scares me. Especially moving on to another police officer. The danger will always be there and I’m not sure if my heart can handle pain and worry like that again.

“Changing the subject now please.”

“Fine. You admitted what I wanted to hear and now I’m good.”

We spend the afternoon organizing my kitchen and moving around things in my bedroom. I like having Tonya here, helping me and keeping me busy. She’s my best friend and honestly I’d be lost without her.

“Oh hey, I got you something.” Tonya reaches into her huge oversized purse and hands me a gift.

“Why? You didn’t have to.”

“I know.”

Opening the gift I look at her with murder in my eyes. I’m so embarrassed to be looking at this contraption. I’m not experienced or sex craved like she is and I’ve only been with one man. I’ve never even watched porn! “Tonya . . .”

She lifts her hand and stops me from talking. “No. You need this. Girl, you’re so moody and I
know
you aren’t getting any. Haven’t you been taking care of your lady parts?”

“No. It’s not important to me. What am I supposed to do with this?” I ask holding the vibrator in my hand. I’m afraid to ask her about it. I don’t need her to make fun of me. She knows how inexperienced I am so for her to get this for me is unthinkable. “This is stupid, Tonya. I don’t want it.”

“Bullshit! Sex is so important. Go upstairs and take care of yourself. Seriously, Caroline. It’s been way too long and you need some pleasure. So go. And thank me later.” She blows me a kiss and winks at me. “Ta ta.”

“Wait! Stop!” But she’s gone and I’m standing in the middle of my living room holding a vibrator. Looking at it and then turning away, but looking at it again I groan and go upstairs. She’s right. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt any pleasure and I mean, it’ll be okay to please myself. It’s normal and I’m a lonely woman.

Sliding into bed and under my covers, I Google porn sites and randomly pick one. Seriously this is stupid. I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m in bed using a search engine to indulge in my sick fantasy thanks to my
best friend.
The porn site on my phone is open and I slowly scroll through the videos. Some of it is really weird and some is downright disgusting.

Incredibly Passionate Lesbian Hookup.

Hot Wife Deep Throat.

Taking a Ride on Two Dicks.

“Oh my God. What the fuck is this shit?” I close my eyes and randomly click on a video. There’s no way I’m ever paying for porn and hey since it’s free there’s no harm.

A few minutes into the video it looks pretty good and nothing out of the norm. The title says
Her Fantasy
and it looks like a movie. The woman in the video’s getting ready for a night with whomever, showing her long legs and she’s touching herself. When the man walks in, he kisses her and they slowly get to work. Things start escalating when he takes control and lifts her in the air to eat her pussy.

“Holy shit, how’s that possible?”

When he puts her down, she gets on her knees and sucks him. The camera shows her eyes looking up at him and she’s sucking away like a pro.

“Wow, she’s pretty good.”

The video goes on and soon the man takes control with his cock and rams into her. The fake porn star moans hit me and surprisingly it’s actually a turn on. My fingers slide down my body and into my shorts. Instantly I feel my wetness and circle my clit with my index finger.

“Ah,” I sigh and go a little faster. Grabbing the vibrator I silently thank Tonya for putting in batteries and having it ready to use. Placing the toy on my clit I press the third level and nearly shoot up from the pleasure it’s giving me. “Holy shit,” I moan and slam my head back down. I loudly moan and arch my back. Fuck this feels so good.

Feeling my orgasm about to hit I close my eyes and use my free hand to plunge two fingers into my pussy and pump hard. “Yes,” I sigh and feel my release. “Wow.”

“Damn, girl.” I quickly look up and see Mason at the door with a bowl of popcorn. He bursts out laughing and I’m ready to die. Please kill me.

“Mason! What the fuck!” I scream and hurry to hide myself under the covers. This isn’t happening. Mason Ryan did
not
just catch me pleasuring myself. Please let this be an awful dream. Please!