Refresh (12 page)

Lightning flashes outside and I turn to see Caroline curled on her bed, clutching her pillow, and far away inside her dream. The furious storm winds blow through and whips the trees outside. A branch continually hits the window and I’m nervous it’ll wake her up. She needs to sleep. She needs to get away from reality and find her safe place. If I can give that to her I will. All I want is to keep Caroline happy and keep the demons away. I want her to feel love and happiness. I want her to be able to move on without the guilt of doing so.

Looking outside the darkness of the sky shadows the room and when I turn to look at Caroline my jaw clenches as she tosses and turns. Walking to the bed I slowly sit down and place my hand on her hand. She instantly calms down and the tightness in my body releases. This woman, this strong and beautiful woman, is broken and all around us is the pain of loss that lingers. If only I can figure out a plan to do something.

“Can you hold me?” Her little voice gets my attention and without thinking I lie down and pull her body to mine. She buries her face into my chest and lets out a sigh.

“You okay?”

“Just want the pain to go away.”

“The best thing to do is to take it easy and remember to relax. We have each other and that’s important.”

I hold her tighter and watch as she falls back asleep. Looking over to the side, the framed picture she has on her nightstand catches my eyes. It’s a picture of her and Evan on their wedding day. I can’t look away and soon guilt washes over me. Here I am comforting my best friend’s wife, who happens to be my best friend too, and yet I feel something going on. Shaking away the feeling, I press my head against the headboard and close my eyes. There’s a line I can’t cross and I’ll do everything I can to stay behind. I’m her friend and someone she can depend on. That’s all I need to be for her.

The kiss in the kitchen plays on in my head. I’m an asshole for doing that. Thinking about it I realize she never pushed away or yelled at me. She wanted that kiss just as much as I did.

I look at the picture again and immediately look away.
There’s a line I can’t cross,
I repeat.
Don’t cross the line.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, waking me up from my light sleep, and I turn to Caroline whose still lying on my chest. I’m ready to kill whoever’s calling me so early.

“What?” I harshly whisper.

“Why good morning to you too, sunshine.”

“Heather? What?”

“Mom wants to know if you and Caroline would like to come over for lunch today. She’s having a small BBQ and the pool looks really warm and I want to see Caroline.”

I look down again and notice Caroline hasn’t moved all night. Lightly shaking her I try to wake her and when she stirs and looks up at me I cover the phone and ask if she’d like to go to my parents’ house.

“Yeah,” she mutters and keeps her eyes on me.

“We’ll be there in a few hours.”

“Oh,” I hear the curiosity in my sister’s voice. “Mmm okay. See you soon brother.”

“Bye.” I disconnect the phone and rub my face. Between her warm body against mine and the little space I had on the bed my body is exhausted and I need either more sleep or caffeine. “Want me to make coffee?”

“Sure,” she answers and untangles herself from me. “Thanks for taking care of me last night.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I want to be here for you.” I give her a smile and head out to make coffee and breakfast.

Waiting for the coffee to get done I smell my shirt and damn it smells like her. I’m not sure exactly what the smell is but I like it. Thinking about last night, holding her in my arms, being what she needs, it puts a smile on my face and fuck if I don’t be careful that line I’m desperately trying not to cross will be crossed.

“Good morning, hottie mchot.” I smile when I hear Tonya coming inside. “What’s that smile on your face for?”

“What?”

“You have a shit eating grin smile that tells me you’re happy and it’s because . . .” she pauses, “why?”

“No reason.”

“Don’t lie to me, Ryan.” She studies me and I focus on the coffee. “Oh did you and Caroline. .”

“No,” I immediately tell her. “No. She was upset last night and I stayed in bed with her. Nothing to think about or analyze.”

“Right,” she answers and comes over to grab a coffee mug. “So Caroline was feeling sad last night and then you, all hot and sexy, came to her rescue?”

“I guess.”

“Mmm, okay.”

I pour coffee into her mug and she takes it upstairs to Caroline. Girl talk or whatever the hell they do. This gives me a moment to myself to go back and think about everything that’s been on my mind since I got here. I inhale and exhale, trying to make sense of all of this. I’ve never cuddled in bed or looked after someone before. With Danielle I never spent the night with her and she understood. That’s what made our relationship work. While with Caroline it’s different. I wanted to spend the night with her and be there when she woke up. I wanted my face to be the first thing she saw when she opened her beautiful brown eyes.

When we get to my parents’ house around noon, Caroline is smothered by my mother and Heather. Dad hands me a beer and we talk sports while the women do their girl thing.

“How she holding up?”

I crack open my beer and play with the top before taking a drink. “Good. I think. Last night was hard and we ah,” I clear my throat, “I comforted her last night.” This gets my dad’s attention and I quickly correct myself. “Not like that, pops. Just comforted her.”

“Mason,” he starts to say, “I’m going to tell you this once and don’t ask questions or bring this up to anyone.” I nod. “Before I met your mother, she was engaged to another man. A fellow officer. Now we weren’t good friends, he and I, but we were brothers. One night he passed away while patrolling and I got the call. I was the one to go to your mother and tell her what happened to Gary. It’s hard, losing someone you love, and especially at a young age.”

“We never knew Mom was engaged before you.”

“Yes and they were in love. Oh,” my dad pauses and drinks his beer, “we became good friends and after about a year we started dating. Some understood and some didn’t, but that didn’t stop me. I love your mother and I know she still grieves for Gary and that’s okay. My point is son,” he pats my back and looks at me, “be there for her. Be her friend, her rock, or whatever she needs, and if you two end up together don’t allow the guilt or what other’s think get in the way of what you and Caroline want. Now I’m not saying you two will end up together, but what I’m saying is you shouldn’t feel guilty about anything.”

“Yeah,” I say and finish my beer. While grabbing another one I look up and see Caroline in a bikini with my sister. My eyes stay on her and fuck, she’s sexy. I’ve seen her before this. We’ve been friends since high school and for some reason, at this very moment, it’s as though I’m seeing her for the first time.

“Don’t let guilt get in the way, son,” my dad whispers before going to my mom and giving her a kiss.

Needing to calm my hard on I jump in the pool and make sure I’m facing away from Caroline and her tiny bikini.

We spend a few hours with my family before heading home and relaxing for the night. Grabbing a bottle of red wine I bring over two glasses and hand her one. She freely takes the glass and doesn’t fight me. Since the kiss and holding her through the night things have been unsteady between us. She’s skittish and pulls away from me.

“Do you plan on staying up for a while?”

“I guess, but if you want me to leave you alone I can,” I tell her and make sure to keep my space between the cushion and her. Maybe I’m too comforting and it’s scaring her. Who the hell knows.

“No. It’s okay. I like sitting here with you.” She lets out a sigh and my eyes go to her chest and watch as she breathes in and out. Taking a sip of my wine, I think about the taste of the crisp wine and hope the desire I have for her goes away. “How’s work going?”

Thank God for distracting me.
“The usual. Clarke wants us working on this one case. Nothing else matters. He has his mind set with capturing this one gang. It’s ugly.”

“Sounds it. I’ve missed your parents and Heather. We caught up a lot and planned a lunch date for next week.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re getting out and had a good time. My family loves you.”

“Yeah.”

And we’re back to the silence. Pouring us a second glass, Caroline takes a drink and turns to look at me.

“Listen, I don’t mean to be weird, but I don’t think it’s a good idea that we do the things we’ve been doing.”

“What do you mean?”

“The kissing and holding me at night. It’s not right, Mase. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate what you’re doing. I just think lines are being crossed and we have to steady ourselves. We’re friends and I love having you in my life. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you and I know you’d do anything for me. I just think we need boundaries.”

“We’ve never had any before.”

“I think things are changing.” I hear the hesitation in her tone and nod my head without answering her. “So I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Sure thing.” I smile and wish her good night. Watching her leave me in the living room I finish my glass and get up to grab another bottle.

“Just friends.”

The weeks go by and Mason is still living with me. It’s nice having him here and I’ll admit I’m not as much of a mess like before. We haven’t talked about the kiss or anything about how we’re feeling since the night after his parents’ BBQ. It feels like how it used to be: us being best friends.

He keeps me busy and when he’s working the overnight shift I feel okay. He stops by every few hours and checks on me. I roll my eyes whenever he does and he tells me to grow up. Everything feels okay. I feel okay.

But on this particular day, nothing is going right and I’m crumpled on the bedroom floor, clutching onto Evan’s shirt, softly crying, and wishing for him to come back.

“Care?”

His deep voice lifts me up and I wipe my tears. “Hey.”

He walks closer to me and stares at me. I hate the way he looks at me. I hate the way he analyzes me and my words. I hate it all. “Are you okay?” he asks again.

“Fine, Mason. Peachy.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Do not lie to me, Caroline.”

I bolt up from the ground and get in his face. “I am not lying Mason. I am fine. You caught me in a weak moment, but I am fine.”

“Stop saying that shit. Be real, Care. You’re not fine. You haven’t been
fine,
” he sneers. “You were crying. You were on the ground holding onto his shirt. Does that seem like
fine
to you?”

A mix of emotions flood over me and I’m back to where I don’t want to be. One day I just want to be the happy woman I once was before. All of this anger and sadness is weighing me down and I feel like screaming from the rooftop.

I hate him. I hate Evan. I hate everyone. I need air and I need to be away from him. Taking a few steps towards the door, Mason stops me and grabs my arm, swinging me around causing me to fall into him.

“Break on me, Care. I’m here.”

“He’s gone, Mason. He’s gone and never coming back. If I didn’t leave my stupid purse in the restaurant he wouldn’t have gone back in. This isn’t the life I want. I’m a widow at twenty-five. I’m alone and I hate this.” I sob and try to catch my breath. “Why did this happen? Why did he have to die?”

“I know. I ask these questions all the time. Sometimes we don’t know the answers and we have to accept that.”

“It’s not fair,” I yell, gripping his tee shirt and leaning on him for strength because the strength I thought I had has up and gone.

“I know, baby. I wish I could turn back time and keep the both of you safe. I wish I could bring him back for you,” he reassures me, rubbing my back, and leading me to my bed. He lays us both down and I cry into his chest.

“If only I wasn’t so careless.” I hiccup, relishing in the safety of being in Mason’s arms. “Do you think one day I’ll stop hurting?”