Regeneration X (10 page)

She entered the doctor’s office and situated herself comfortably on the settee. She relaxed and glanced around the room as Dr. Baum finished his initial notes. She still wondered what he wrote about in those first few minutes before their meeting. Was it her appearance, manner or mood? Or was he finishing notes from his previous appointment? She doubted this last idea. Since he always took copious notes during their session, he probably did the same for all his patients. She wasn’t too shy to ask him, she just always forgot when the meat of their conversation began.

Soon, setting his device aside, he started the discussion with an opening question, “I am curious, have you had any more dreams?”

“Funny you should ask. For a few nights after our last meeting, I thought I slept dreamlessly. If I dreamt, I didn’t remember it, not even a trace. Last night, though, I had almost the same dream again, although this one seemed current only because it was Michael in Miles’ place and someone I recognize, who is and isn’t me, if you know what I mean? This person didn’t physically look like me, but I was inside that body. Dreams are mind-boggling. I wonder how it is we can invent people we have never met.”

Charley reported her subconscious life, summarizing the differences rather than repeating the whole dream account again. “Doctor, why is it when you fall in a dream, you wake up just before you hit the ground?”

“Dreams would be a fascinating study, but sleep analysis is not my specialty. However, I can answer this question. Essentially, in sleep we exist in two parts. Our mind projects a mental representation of our physical self, as well as an external energy apart from any form. Sleep therapists and scientists call this an astral projection. When you fall the physical and astral selves separate, and as the distance increases the mind attempts a realignment to bring those subconscious selves back together, often resulting in an abrupt awakening.”

“Makes sense, which is why I can see myself from the outside and know what I’m thinking at the same time.” She’d have to bring this up with Levy, not her dreams specifically, but more the idea of sleep, quality of dreams, and the consequences to health. Maybe they could find a new contributor, start thinking about a dedicated psychology section. If not she could at least write this one article herself. It would have to be an op-ed since the topic wouldn’t jive with any of the other sections. “Sorry, lost my train of thought for a minute. Anyway, this time I got the distinct impression the character, Michael, purposely pushed me. Honestly, when I woke up I felt betrayed and still feel a residual bit of it now. And I wonder, why now, after all these years?”

“Seems to me your current life and your past experiences are merging because first, we’ve been discussing it and the past is present in your mind. Second, we’ve talked a bit about resentment, and you’ve expressed that you lack control over your choices now, as well as, feeling generally unable to make choices for yourself. I asked if you resented Miles for pushing you to be something you weren’t and perhaps you resent Michael for the same reason. My interpretation is, pushing and holding back are still movements away from a point where perhaps you’d rather be.”

“I’ve thought about it and I don’t think Miles pushed me to be something I wasn’t. That time in my life was when I felt the most confident to be myself and make my own choices. I wasn’t the person you see now. However, since our last meeting, I’ve concluded that I
did
resent Miles.

“To answer your previous questions … I never connected the after-feeling of my breakup with Miles as resentment until recently. At the time and up until our last meeting I had cast it off as normal heartbreak, the devastation after the end of a relationship with a first truelove. But, now I can say for sure, I begrudged him for taking away the future I desperately wanted. I
do
get your point about pushing and pulling, however. Miles pushed me away from my desires. And Michael, I don’t know, it’s not his fault I don’t feel motivated. He’s had to bear my slumps every few years and much more, recently. I might not like what he has to say, but he accepts my moods admirably.”

“I wasn’t implying Michael is actively holding you back, but rather you are holding yourself back because of him. It sounded as if you were making a point by saying you’re ‘a responsible person’,” he said looking down briefly at his past notes and jotting a few more.

“Well, yes and no, I wouldn’t say I have ever been a reckless person, but this is how I feel—responsible with responsibilities. It’s just a fact. Because of it, I feel stagnant. Lately, I also feel as if something has changed and everything has come bubbling up again, but could be it’s the lack of change. Maybe I’m experiencing a mid-life crisis?”

“What you describe sounds typical of emotions in the stage around mid-life commonly called a
crisis
. It depends on any other actions you’ve taken. Most people experience it earlier, in their forties generally,” he confirmed and argued the point at the same time.

“I looked it up and, if the markers are correct, I’ve been having a mid-life crisis since I was in my 40s actually. Seems I’m having a fairly long run,” she said grimacing in a sad attempt at a joke,
don’t I feel special?

“The internet will surely help propel the gullible into hypochondria.”

“So are our meetings making me better or worse? I feel much more driven after we meet, but can’t help feel it also brings up things I never thought were an issue.” Again, it felt as if she was asking for permission to move on, approval to stop dwelling on the past and instead focus on the future.

“Charley, I can’t change how anything makes you feel, past or present. I can only guide you to your own comfortable level. Human minds are individual; there is no right way to feel. Our conversations have been somewhat led by our first meeting. We started with the past in order to determine why you felt so forlorn about yourself and your future.

“Let’s try coming at it from a different direction, I’m not saying let’s forget about Michael, or even Miles, but let’s talk about the future. Choices aside, what would you like for your personal future? Have you thought about this? Do you have goals, aspirations?”

Charley was quiet. He was right of course; she’d been spending so much time thinking about the past, she didn’t really know, absolutely, what she wanted going forward. She just wanted to feel alive. She had everything. “Well, this is the dilemma: anything I want … it’s too late for me, unless I … forget it, it’s stupid, not my thing really.” Charley mulled over the idea of telling Dr. Baum about cell regeneration. Before even walking into his office, she had intended to mention it, but now she felt as if she had been chastised, a little. Even though he hadn’t said anything was particularly wrong, he didn’t confirm or deny any serious mental issues on her part.
What if I am off balance?

She sat quiet for long enough until Dr. Baum finally said, “Something obviously has you preoccupied and you’re hesitant to bring it up for some reason. I’m here to help you. You don’t have to feel you need my permission, but again I cannot control how you actually feel.”

“Yes, why is it I feel like I need everyone’s permission? I find it very difficult to say this aloud: I feel trapped from every direction. And I’m wondering if this is a
real
problem.”

“I’m getting the same impression. But, I think you are over self-analyzing so I’m going try a different tact again, until you feel comfortable enough to tell me whatever it is you are holding back.”

Charley had started fidgeting, as if trying to find a comfortable position in her seat.

“I’m just going to sit here and wait.”

His comment made her stop and look at him. He was sitting back in his chair with his hands folded just under his chin; his two index fingers met, formed a peak, and rested on his pursed lips.

“You’re not supposed to do that. I’m not a child behaving badly.”

He raised his eyebrows, but otherwise moved not another muscle.

“Fine. The fact is, the mental part of all this might change how I feel, but it
does not
change my reality. It just makes it easier to accept. I realize that adjusting my thinking is going to benefit me in the long run, but
actually
changing anything seems hopeless.

“That is unless I undergo a procedure called Renovation, which has to do with a process called cellular regression. It’s either this or I find some other way to manage a turnaround. I was hesitant to bring it up for two reasons. I didn’t want you to think I was looking for some unhealthy escape or that I don’t value our sessions.”

“Charley, you’re not going to be committed to an asylum because you express your thoughts openly. You’re right, you are not a child and I shouldn’t have to try tactics to make you talk. As for valuing our meetings, if you cannot speak to me, you need to ask yourself why you are here at all. To push the point I just have to say, mental illness or instability is not usually diagnosed as a result of a few comments.”

While Charley had put aside her initial insecurities, those imaginary instances of self-consciousness still popped up.
I watch too many movies.

“Point taken. Then, here goes. A few months ago, one of the writers submitted a cursory piece on Renovation. Plastic surgery is not something that would ever cross my mind, but I need to keep abreast of what’s going on in my field so I did a bit of research myself. Apart from a vague, downloadable, pamphlet, the website was a bunch of images of beautiful people and very little content. The weird thing is, I kept thinking about it. Just recently, I asked Michael to look it over.

“At this point I don’t know if it’s wishful thinking on my part. There is a phone number on the pamphlet, but I didn’t see a point in calling just to find out it was some GM scheme. I have a copy,” Charley said reaching in her bag.

“That’s alright. I am familiar with the concept. In fact, the literature I have is probably more thorough than your pamphlet or any other information you’ve found on the web. I will send it to you,” he said adroitly swiping and tapping at his device. “With this said, let me first clear something up. We’ve been meeting for some time now and everything we’ve discussed, while being unique to you, is quite natural. I would not say you are helpless or depressed, but rather made yourself believe you are.”

She wanted to express her relief, but she’d been waiting for this and so didn’t want to interrupt his diagnosis prematurely.

“I would classify you as generally rational, but you also have a tendency to over-complicate ideas to your own detriment. Perhaps, complacent and self-doubting would better describe your mental state. However, these qualities alone would not disqualify you as a candidate for cellular regression. I mention this because a psychiatric evaluation is required beforehand should you decide to move forward.”

“I can’t tell you what this all means to me. From the moment I walked into your office I’ve been afraid of hearing something along the lines of, ‘Charley you have a bad case of
yergoincrasia
’. Even if the CR isn’t the right course for me, for the moment I feel saner knowing I’m sane.”

 
“Yes, I could have told you from our first meeting, if those words were the only ones you needed to hear. I think we’ve covered much more territory than you realize and I would like for us to continue working towards solutions for the issues I noted.”

She basked in the glory of his words for a moment before replying, “I did not know about the eval, it must be a pretty serious procedure.”

“It is and I want you to recognize, you are considering a choice and getting ready to make it, one way or another. So, why don’t you review the document I sent, and we can go over the process and limitations one by one or answer any questions you have? At least you will be better armed to make the choice.”

“This sounds like a good plan,” she said, sensing the end of her time with him today. Gathering her belongings, she remembered suddenly, “Before I forget, what do you write about at the beginning of our meetings? Is it my appearance, my mood, or what? Are you finishing up thoughts about a previous patient?”

“Yes and no. When I started asking my patients to write their exit interview notes, I realized it would be helpful to have a few notes on hand prior to the meetings as well. Instead of asking you to do all the work—write entrance and exit notes—I write the entrance notes myself. I remind myself what we last spoke of, what items need addressing from your previous notes, and where we left off. I do this during the first few minutes, rather than before our session because your presence reminds me and makes the situation more in the moment. It’s my way of seaming together our appointments.”

“I’ve always wondered and always forgot to ask. Thanks, I was just curious.”
If a professional relationship counted as affection, I think I’m in love with Dr. Baum.

・ ・ ・

Once in the not-so-private seclusion of her car, she drummed the steering wheel and dashboard a few times in previously restrained joy before getting started toward home. She was relieved she wasn’t clinically depressed, but her momentary elation was not completely due to the all-clear diagnosis.
Nothing has changed from an hour ago, how incredible perception is!

Catching her reflection in the rear view mirror at every stop light, she could see her excitement building with each passing minute. She could feel the involuntary smile itching to reveal itself at the corners of her mouth. She thought she must look maniacal to people in neighboring cars.
It would be completely different if I were actually talking to myself.
With hands-free, this would have been considered normal. She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled, letting it spread across her face, throwing any bystanders’ impressions to the wind.

A fleeting thought of Michael briefly dulled the glow.
He was going to be a tough sell
. Dr. Baum had said she was holding herself back because of Michael.
But if I’m a good candidate … this might be something I’ll have to push
, she rationalized.