Reggie & Me (12 page)

Now, I’m looking forward to telling Mum what Miss Haywood said and enjoying a few days with no hassle and lots of time at home.

Happy New Year!

I can’t say I’m sad to see the back of last year. It wasn’t all bad I suppose and getting Reggie was definitely the highlight but it’s time to start thinking about making the most of this year now. The Christmas break has been brilliant and I’ve loved not being at school. The stupid thing is I’ve probably got more work done in the last week than I’d have got done if I was in school and I actually wanted to do it. I have been so relaxed. It’s amazing to wake up in the morning and not be frightened about what the day might bring. I can just be myself and not worry about what I am doing, saying or who I am looking at. I didn’t realise how preoccupied I had become. I was so overwhelmed by the fear of bumping into Nina and the gigglers that I didn’t notice everything else that I had started to worry about. I have been worried about saying the wrong thing or looking at the wrong person just in case it starts even more people off with calling me names or making comments. No wonder I was completely exhausted.

Christmas Day was great as it was just Mum and me. We went for a long walk with Reggie and then came home to open our presents. We were like children. Excitedly ripping off the paper and then screwing it into a ball to throw at Reggie. We ate chocolate for breakfast and didn’t start preparing the dinner until the afternoon because we felt a bit sick. This was the first Christmas that we have had this much fun as we used to spend Christmas Day with my grandparents. We had to go to church in the morning, which always put a downer on the day. I know that it’s the whole point of Christmas, but we didn’t go any other day of the year so I never really understood why we had to go then. They also insisted we wore our ‘best’ clothes and every year I was told that ‘best’ and ‘favourite’ were two very different things. Anyway, it was really nice to just do what we wanted to
do even though Mum mentioned more than once that she felt a bit guilty for not going! She didn’t feel guilty enough to actually go thankfully!

I was really excited as for the first time I got Mum a present that was a surprise because she didn’t have to give me the money to buy it! She did give me some money and I bought her some perfume, but she wasn’t expecting the second present. It’s all thanks to Callie. She drew the picture of Reggie for me and it is absolutely amazing. Now there’s another good thing to have come out of last year. My three lunchtime friends! I am so grateful to Callie as it must have taken her ages. It’s a pencil drawing of him lying down in our living room and she has got every detail just right. Even the design on his collar and the way his tongue is sticking out very slightly. I asked her to sign the corner as I’m pretty sure she’ll be rich and famous one day. She was really chuffed that I asked her to sign it as I was the first person to say that! It was nice to be able to show her how much I appreciated it. I bought a frame and wrapped it up, I almost couldn’t wait until Christmas day, but I’m glad I did. Mum cried! I’m not sure if she was happier with the picture or the fact that I’d made friends!

I had some new clothes, CDs and the obligatory selection box. Even though I think I might be getting too old for one of those it doesn’t stop me wanting to open it straight away and then getting told I’ll spoil my dinner! Never mind the fact we’d cracked open the Roses at dawn and had been fighting over the last strawberry one. Dinner was delicious and we needed another walk to make sure we had room for pudding. True to recent form, I could eat non-stop. I am constantly reaching for something to eat so all the Christmas food was a bonus. Reggie did well with treats and his own Christmas dinner. He was left unattended for five minutes and decided to help himself to the leftovers too! It’s amazing how much that dog can eat! Watching crap TV and stuffing ourselves with even more chocolate took up the rest of the evening. We
only had one tiny falling out over the music. Mum kept telling me to turn it down and I shouted back that she shouldn’t have bought them for me if she didn’t want me to play them. I felt bad though as I know money is tight and Mum had saved to get them for me! I turned it down and went to help peel potatoes! Well done me!

The Boxing Day visit from the grandparents went well. They asked if we had found a church to go to and just as Mum said, ‘No, I don’t think there’s one near here,’ we heard the bells from the local church start ringing. Oops! That made me laugh a lot but I don’t think Grandma found it very funny! It was a nice day though; they brought presents for us and even wrapped up two presents for Reggie. I think they enjoyed seeing him more than us. I don’t blame them! They were making a real effort and asking me about school and how I was feeling about the exams. It was nice to just get normal questions. We managed a whole day without talking about what had happened. When they left Mum and I were both impressed with how the day had gone.

Mum’s been impressed with how I’ve been doing some homework every day so it’s meant she’s also had some time to herself to relax. She’s been taking Reggie out for long walks and then we have had afternoons and evenings together. We even met up with Jenny, Katie and Bailey which was great. This afternoon has been spent tidying up ready for Jane as she’s coming to stay for a couple of days before I go back to school and Mum goes back to work. I am not thinking about that yet though. It is still the holidays and I’m not letting any thoughts of school spoil it!

The Christmas and New Year bubble has been burst…by Jane of all people. I know that I haven’t been coping too well with everything that has been going on but at the same time I thought I was doing okay. I have been keeping up to date with schoolwork, Reggie has never missed a walk and I haven’t let Nina and the gigglers completely get the better of me. That’s without everything else. I think I’m doing more than okay actually! I can even say that I have friends in Katie, Maya and Callie, which is more than I could say last time I saw Jane. Right now, it feels like Mum and Jane have it in for me too.

We were all sitting having a cuppa before bed (of course) and Jane had brought some homemade banana cake with her as it’s my favourite. I was half way through my second piece – I’m not greedy, it’s just really good cake – and Jane asked whether I had thought about taking up sport again. I could see the look in her eyes. She was really saying that I should do something about the weight I’ve put on.

I’m not stupid. I know that I have put on a bit of weight. My favourite old jeans don’t fit and my new Christmas clothes were a size bigger than usual. When I’m at home I tell myself that I have to wear my jogging bottoms and baggy tops because of taking Reggie out. It’s not true. They are the only things that fit. I started to get upset and said that she knew what had happened with hockey so what did she expect me to do. I had gone from being really active to doing nothing except walking the dog and eating.

Comfort eating is something I have only done since I was raped. The counsellor talked to me about it a bit when I turned up for a session clutching a packet of biscuits. Before, I was really happy and always busy so food was just something that featured throughout the day and I didn’t really think about it. When I
started spending more time at home, it became a distraction. I think that calling it ‘comfort eating’ is a bit misleading though because I didn’t really get any ‘comfort’! I was occupied whilst I was eating then when I’d finished I just felt full and annoyed with myself. That’s not comforting at all. I have been eating more since Nina and the gigglers have been making my life miserable. It’s a bad habit more than anything. I don’t choose healthy food, I go for sugar. Then I feel rubbish! It’s not a great idea! The counsellor drew the cycle out for me in that session and I could see how ridiculous it was. I’m sitting here now with a bowl full of grapes and a Kit Kat, I know exactly which one should be my next snack, but I won’t pretend it’s going to happen. I’m sure that Jane could come up with a million theories about why I’m doing it and I’m sure that she’d be right with everything she said. There is, however, one simple fact – when I was eating healthily and exercising I felt great and looked much better than I do now. I need to break the habit of choosing to eat sugary crap and replace it with good stuff. It’s not rocket science! I know that I need to exercise too. Not just because of my weight but because I felt so much better when I did. It sounds so easy when I say it like this!

Jane asked why I had turned to food. Hmmm. I just said that I was stressed about schoolwork, didn’t have many friends and was worried about the exams. I didn’t dare tell her what I was being called! Jane is a lesbian so I had a feeling she would march into school offering to do lessons on inclusion and equality and make the whole situation a million times worse! Who knows, it might have made the situation a million times better, but I’m not prepared to take the risk! I didn’t want to upset her either. Jane is one of the most amazing people I know (even though she has annoyed me today!) and I think she’d be gutted if she knew I was being called a dyke. She has faced some discrimination in her lifetime so she knows how horrible it is, and because she is so protective of me I know she’d be upset and angry about what
was being said. It’s funny because when I was first called a dyke that day outside the toilets I smiled because I thought of Jane! I thought that if I was half as successful and fabulous as her, then being a dyke could only be a good thing!

They both started going on and on about how now it’s the New Year it’s a great time to start thinking about eating more healthily and taking more exercise. Mum started listing all the healthy things she could cook (that didn’t take long) and how we needed to cut down on takeaways and puddings. Then she started making a shopping list to make sure that I had healthy packed lunches and said I could drink water rather than squash. Great! As if the school day needed to get any more painful! She said that when we have nice dry days we could take the bikes out or we could start jogging! Jogging?! If I start running when I’m out with Reggie he thinks it’s a game and usually starts running around in circles looking like he’s lost his mind! I don’t think that’s going to help anyone.

Right now though, I don’t get why they can’t just leave me alone to enjoy the holiday. It’s not like I’m refusing to leave the house and constantly eating. I hate the fact I’m getting bigger without them pointing it out and coming up with a million plans around how to make me fit and healthy in record time. I thought that we were going to have a nice couple of days but now I feel like I’m being targeted at home too. It’s the last thing I need. I came upstairs and left them to it down there. I even left my second piece of cake, which I think made my point!

Okay, I’ve had a sleep, calmed down and thought about what Mum and Jane were saying yesterday. I guess they’re right. I have put on weight, I am turning to food and I am not happy about it. I haven’t put on a massive amount but I do wish I could still fit in to my favourite jeans and I wish I didn’t get out of breath walking up the stairs.

I know that I said that I’m not choosing healthy food but it’s more than that. I am almost craving the bad stuff. I’m eating crisps, sweets, chocolate and biscuits almost every day. I never used to do that and I know that it’s pretty disgusting. I know that it doesn’t really bring me ‘comfort’ either, but it’s as if I need it. When I think about it, I only seem to reach for those types of food when I have had a really bad day. I don’t do it at weekends and although I have eaten quite a lot of chocolate over Christmas (that’s the rule isn’t it?!), I haven’t felt like I needed it in the same way I do after a bad day.

When I come home from school I usually feel awful. I’ve been completely powerless all day and I’ve been on high alert. I’m totally knackered by the time I get home and just feel drained. The stupid thing is that ‘comfort’ eating has actually made me more stressed. Not only do I feel like crap in the first place, I then eat and feel worse!

At school I am often too nervous to eat very much too. By the time I have lunch I’m more preoccupied with looking for Nina and the gigglers to think about eating. I race home at the speed of an unfit tortoise and just stuff my face with the first thing I find. Well, that’s not true as the first thing I see is the fruit in the fruit bowl! Somehow an apple doesn’t really tempt me and so I head for the chocolate and biscuits. Before, I would happily have an apple when I came in from school and wouldn’t even think about eating loads of crappy stuff. That was when I felt okay
about myself though. I didn’t worry about how I looked or what people said. I think that’s because I looked okay and I don’t think anyone ever really said anything mean. I didn’t realise how lucky I was! I know that there’s no point wishing I could turn the clock back as it’s pointless, but sometimes I really wish I could.

It has got a lot worse recently and if I don’t do something about it I’ll end up needing the fire brigade to come and help me out of the house! I saw a programme where that actually happened and I was laughing, wondering anyone could let themselves get so big. Maybe I now know how it can start. The more I sit around doing nothing (other than watching fat people on TV), the less I feel like doing. The only thing I want to do that involves moving is taking Reggie out. I definitely feel better when I do that but I think it’s also because I feel like I’m going out with a friend. It’s fun and I feel safe. What else can I do where I feel like that? A bit of PE at school isn’t making any difference and I’m not really making an effort there because I want to try and stay invisible.

I feel like I have almost given up. I’m doing enough to get by and enough to get my grades but that’s it. I think that idea in my head that life would be plain sailing after everything that happened was very, very wrong. I remember all of those cards that I read just before I moved where people were praising me for being inspirational. What would they be saying if they could see me now? I didn’t let the rapist completely defeat me as I made sure he paid the price and was sent to prison, but I am letting a group of girls get the better of me. A group of girls. That’s all they are. Just the thought of them and the thought of going back to school is making me want to reach for the biscuits. Is that the only thing I have control over now – what I eat? As soon as I think of them I feel powerless. Maybe that’s the difference. I did something about the man who raped me. I stood up for myself. I needed a lot of help to do that but I did it. I was proud of myself for doing it too. I didn’t have time to think about biscuits because
I was busy thinking about what was happening and how I had played a part in making the world a little bit safer. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but I wouldn’t change the fact that I told someone.