Reggie & Me (16 page)

Jane called a few days ago like she said she would and she has called every night since! We are not putting plan ‘b’ into action as I really am doing okay. It took me a while to convince her that I really am doing okay! She has been helping me to concentrate on
the good stuff and that’s making sure I don’t go back to concentrating on what might happen with Nina. It was very easy to fall into a habit of only thinking about her and what she might do next. It hasn’t been as easy to change that habit but I’m getting there and it’s making such a big difference. Mum has noticed a change in me too. We took Reggie out together over the weekend and she told me that she’d seen me smiling much more. She said I was looking great too and said we could go shopping when she’s paid! I’m never going to need the bigger sized clothes again so they’re going on eBay! Maybe one day I’ll tell her about what has been happening but for now, I’m just pleased that she can see that I’m okay.

Jane keeps telling me how important it is for me to do this too! I didn’t tell her that I’m not doing it every day even though she probably knows that! My goals are still…

I am on target with the first two! I need to really start thinking about the last one.

The successes I have had today:

The things I am grateful for today:

‘Okay, Danielle, so the black belt idea is brilliant but tell me what you’ve done to get closer to it rather than just wishing you could do that flying kick.’ Another call with Jane was turning into a motivational speech.

‘I am doing stuff every day, I really am. I’m practising and learning the moves and can do the waist high kick like a pro, well almost a pro, okay so I can kick a bit! I’m getting better though, when I started I was out of breath in the warm up. School’s okay and I’m feeling much more awake in class, I only think about the flying kick when I’m really bored! Don’t sigh, I’m joking. I just feel like I need to get these things, I need to get my black belt and pass my exams to prove that I’m worth something.’

I should have known that would send her into another speech. ‘If you’re not enough without them, Danielle, then you won’t be enough with them. The simple fact that you are working towards these things makes me incredibly proud and I hope you feel proud too. Don’t roll your eyes, I know you’re rolling your eyes.’ Damn, that woman is good.

I guess everything is done taking little steps. I just want everything to happen NOW!

When we first had Reggie I wished he would learn to lie down when we told him to. That took AGES and a lot of patience from me and Mum. We had to do a little bit of training with him every day until he finally lay down on command. It’s not like we don’t have setbacks! I told him to sit and then lie down in the park the other day. He did it, but rather than waiting until I got to him like he usually does, he decided that chasing after a squirrel would be much more fun. So much for all those hours of training! He’s good though, we just have to make sure we stick to the same rules with him and keep on, day by day, with the training. I need to do that with myself too! I don’t need to lie
down in a park but I do need to do something every day to make sure I get to where I want to be. Just sitting around wishing I was already a black belt isn’t going to make that happen!

I’m a bit like Reggie with distractions too though. If there’s something that looks more fun, even if it’s just something on TV or messaging Katie, I can easily be distracted from homework. That’s normal, I know that, but I don’t just want to be ‘normal’. I want to do well and I want to be somebody. I want to do something with my life that can make a difference. Watching TV isn’t going to help me do that! I have started to do my homework as soon as I come home from walking Reggie. That way, I know that I won’t be distracted and then I can watch TV as a reward later on if I’ve done it all. Usually, I finish my homework in half the time it would have taken me if I was just wandering around the house, watching a bit of TV and playing on my phone!

I’ve got a little plan up in my room now and that’s keeping me on track. It’s another of Jane’s bright ideas! Every day I have a plan for what I’m going to do…to the finest detail! I have been sticking to it and I’m getting so much more done. I’ve ended up having more free time than I thought too, which can only be a good thing!

Doing something every day is something that I’ve done, on and off, for a while. Looking back, when I’ve been doing this, things have gone really well and when I haven’t, things have gone a bit wrong! After I was raped, I literally went back to basics, like starting with getting up, showered and dressed. I didn’t want to but doing that at the start of everyday really helped me. Then I gradually set myself little challenges, like seeing people again or leaving the house to go the shops. Gradually, day by day, things got better. If I hadn’t done those things and gradually set myself more things to do, I would still be under a duvet, crying. As much as that still feels tempting occasionally, I am really pleased I made the effort and I am where I am now.

With the bullies too, it took tiny steps every day since that first eye-contact breakthrough to make me feel different. They still call me names and laugh to each other as I walk past but they’re getting quieter and they haven’t done anything physical since that day. I know that it could still be a million times better at school, but I took those steps and made a change. Every day, I feel a bit better about it. When I wasn’t doing anything to help myself, I felt worse every day! I’m no genius but I know how I’d rather feel!

I always feel better after I’ve been to Taekwondo too. Even though sometimes I don’t want to go if I’m tired! It’s funny that after I’ve exercised I feel much more motivated to do other stuff too. Even homework! It means I’m doubly productive! It doesn’t work the other way around though.

So, these goals that will help me concentrate on where I am now are…

The successes I have had today:

The things I am grateful for today:

I’ve had such a nice day! Mum took me out for Sunday lunch and couldn’t stop telling me how wonderful she thinks I am! Always a pleasure!

‘I’m really proud of you, you know that don’t you? Despite the fact that you’re costing me a fortune in clothes, you are looking fantastic. I’ll carry on making sure we have good, healthy food at home and I’m sorry that I didn’t help by buying all the crisps and biscuits. I didn’t want to upset you by talking about your weight, I thought I’d leave that to Jane!’ What would we do without Jane?! I’d be the size of a bus and Mum wouldn’t have said a thing!

‘The way you’re achieving so much in Taekwondo is just brilliant too. I was worried that you wouldn’t stick with it but you’ve certainly proven me wrong. I loved watching you at your grading for your first belt. I was so proud, I still am. I was tempted to give it a go myself but I guess that would be a bit embarrassing for you?’ YEP!

‘With Reggie too, you haven’t got bored with walking him and you have definitely become queen of the poo bags.’ Wow, now there’s title I always wanted. ‘I did wonder if I’d be left to do the early mornings, especially through the winter. You’ve done so much more than I thought you would and he is such a happy dog, that’s down to you and the amount of time you’ve invested in him.’

‘So you didn’t have much faith in me at all,’ I joked. ‘Reggie means everything to me and that I love that we adopted him! I’m so grateful that you let us have him and didn’t make us have a smaller dog! I don’t think I’d feel as safe walking around the park with a yapping rat on a lead!’

She agreed and said she feels safe walking him too. That really surprised me. Not that she feels safe, but that she would feel unsafe. I suppose I never really felt unsafe until I was raped and
I’ve been super-aware of feeling unsafe ever since. I guess most people feel vulnerable at some time or another. Especially when they’ve been directly involved with the crap that can happen.

Then the dreaded subject of school…! Mum was really nice about it, saying how pleased she was that I was doing well and that I’d caught up. She said I seem much happier now too! Then she said something that annoyed me a bit! She said that she was worried I wasn’t making an effort with making friends! I think she could see from my face that she’d hit a nerve. I was about to start ranting that she had no idea how hard it had been, blah, blah, blah until I realised that she really didn’t have a clue how hard it had been because I hadn’t told her!

I told her almost everything. I missed out the bit about being called a lezzer and a dyke! I just said that they made comments and didn’t go into details. Thankfully she didn’t ask about what they were saying and she just sat there, stunned. She said she had no idea. She apologised for not taking more notice and asked why I hadn’t told her. I said I didn’t want to worry her! Apparently she was worried anyway so that master plan didn’t work! I told her that Jane knew and that she’d really helped. I think Jane might be getting a phone call from Mum later, but I know Jane can work her way out of anything! I’ve sent her a warning text and she just said not to worry and it would be fine! Mum said that she thought I was feeling so down because I wasn’t coping with what had happened. She was upset that I’d had something else to cope with on top of that. She cried and just said she was so proud of me!

I’m glad I told her and I’m really pleased that I could also tell her that I’m okay now! I realised that Mum has actually been proud of me this whole time. I thought that passing my exams and getting my belts would make her proud but she just laughed! In a good way! She said that all those things were brilliant and that she wanted me to do well, but that she was simply proud of me for being me. All that time it was my own
head that was making me feel like I’m not good enough and that I need to do all these things to make other people see I’m worth something. I am worth something just as I am. Talking to Mum about it hasn’t made me want to give up on these things though. I want to do well, but I want to do well for me! I want to achieve these things to prove to myself I can do it.

I’m getting there with my second belt – getting closer to that black belt! School work is on track and I know that I want to do something worthwhile. I just need to figure out what that is!

The successes I have had today:

The things I am grateful for today:

I guess the bubble was going to burst sometime.

On the way home from school this evening I saw the headline…‘Local Girl Attacked.’

All those old familiar feels came flooding back and I ran the rest of the way home. Mum was already there when I got home. She said she had left work early as she didn’t want me to be on my own if I’d seen the news. We put the TV on and the local news was reporting that a young, teenage girl had been raped. I thought I could watch it but I switched it off. It was like I was back there; they were saying the same things that they said when it was me.

Mum said that she knew the girl’s mother. Not well, but they worked in the same building and sometimes had a polite chat in the queue for lunch! A friend of Mum’s at work said that the girl was about 14 and went to my school and had an older sister in my year but didn’t know her name. All I heard was that she was 14 years old. The same age that I was.

We got ready to take Reggie out together and I think we were both a bit nervous. There were police walking around in the park and we heard a siren in the distance. I have no idea if it was even linked to the girl being attacked but it made my heart race. Reggie was using his sixth sense again and stayed with us. We didn’t see many people out, a lot less than usual and I wondered if that had happened where we used to live.

Mum said that I didn’t have to go to Taekwondo if I didn’t want to as people would probably be talking about it and I might not want to hear it. I hadn’t even thought of that! Of course people will be talking about it. I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear it but I also didn’t really want to stay inside as I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stay away from the biscuits. I know where that cycle of misery leads and I am not going there again. I was sure
that I’d be okay at Taekwondo as we weren’t allowed to chat while we were training anyway! Mum said she’d stay and watch so that if I wanted to come home early I could.

I think Mum had a worse evening that I did, she had to sit with some of the other parents and it was all they were talking about. She looked upset and exhausted by the time we got home. It was new to her too. When it happened to me, she was at home. Looking after me, dealing with the police and trying to keep things ‘normal’ for me. She wasn’t with her friends so didn’t know what they were saying. I think this evening was quite overwhelming for her. She didn’t tell me what they were saying and I didn’t ask.