Reggie & Me (17 page)

In the middle of training, I did have an idea though. I get my best ideas when I’m exercising. ‘I want to send them a card. I felt so much support when I read the cards that I’d been sent. I wanted to be able to do that for someone else. It’s not like there’s anywhere you can really go as a kid to get support and know that you’re not on your own. The card would be a start though, at least she would know that there is a way through this and things really can get better.’ Mum said that was a brilliant idea and if I didn’t mind, she would like to do the same for the girl’s Mum. She’d had a few cards from parents of children who had been raped and she said that they’d really helped her. We decided we’d keep it simple as nobody has the energy to read an essay when you feel like that! Mum said she’d get the cards tomorrow and she would ask her friend for the address. That gives me a little bit of time to figure out exactly what I am going to say!

I had been so caught up in how I was feeling hearing the news that I had forgotten about the girl who is going through hell. I felt bad about that but pleased that I can do something to hopefully make a little difference.

It seems almost selfish to think about myself when I know this has happened, but I need to focus on the good stuff. If I don’t, I know what will happen and I’m not going there.

Even though it seems unimportant at the moment, here are my goals:

The successes I have had today:

The things I am grateful for today:

I was quite happily up in my room and Mum said that she was going to call to get the address so we could send our cards. I was figuring out what to write in mine and had done quite a few drafts. I wonder if the people who sent me cards did the same thing?

It’s hard to know what to write because, even though I’ve experienced it too, I don’t know exactly how she is feeling. I only know how I was feeling at the time! I had decided that I probably wouldn’t have wanted someone telling me how things would get better and that one day I would be happier than I ever thought possible – okay…that’s an exaggeration! So, I settled on saying,

I wasn’t sure about whether or not to sign my full name as apparently her sister is in my year so I just signed it, ‘love, Dani (a fellow survivor)’ and put my email address. As I was sealing up the envelope, Mum came in.

‘I’ve been thinking about what to write in my card,’ she said. ‘I can’t find the words and that has made me think. How would you feel about me offering to be there if the girl’s mum ever wanted to talk? I felt really alone when it happened to you. If it wasn’t for Jane I don’t think I would have coped. I didn’t know how to help you or whether what I was doing and saying was right. I just felt completely out my depth.’

If she did that, and the Mum got in touch that would mean people would know.

Since moving here, my biggest fear has been that people would find out. Mum has said that she won’t do anything until
I’ve decided and she’s completely happy either way. She also said that maybe I could think about offering the same thing to the girl. That sounded like something I wouldn’t mind doing. I would have loved someone my own age to talk to when it happened to me. It’s not just that it would have been nice if someone really understood what I was going through but just having someone who didn’t tread on eggshells around me would have been nice! Maybe it would be nice to do that for someone else.

What’s the worst that could happen? What have I got to lose? If people at school found out then maybe they wouldn’t speak to me. I’ve experienced that for almost a whole year so it’s not something that feels that scary anymore! Maybe people wouldn’t find out anyway; it’s nearly the end of term so I’m guessing she won’t go back to school until next year unless she really wants to. It’s not like she’d be the first to tell people about me; she’ll know how hard it is. I’ll be the last thing on her mind!

It’s not like I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops. I’d just be offering to chat to her if she wants me to. Same with Mum. The chances are that they’ll be so preoccupied with everything that’s going on, they won’t get in touch. Or, like with me, her mum might not show her the cards yet! So, it might not be the worst thing in the world. All I’m doing is offering to help someone. If people find out then I’ll just have to figure out what to do next. I haven’t done anything wrong so I shouldn’t be frightened. I can’t really be of any help to this girl if I’m still full of fear. That’s not a great role model for her is it? She hasn’t done anything wrong either so she shouldn’t feel like she has to hide away. Maybe by me offering to help, she’ll see that.

I haven’t really thought about it in detail until now. I just had it in my head that I didn’t want people to know. I felt that I had a dirty secret yet I hadn’t done anything wrong! I kept thinking,
People will find out about me
. Well, they’re not finding out about ‘me’. They are just hearing about something that happened to me.
That doesn’t actually tell them anything about who I am. That’s what this girl needs to know too. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure it out.

I have told Mum that I’ll do it too, that in her card she can offer that we’ll both be there if they need anything. Maybe this is something I can do that’s worthwhile. Even just knowing that she’s not completely on her own might help a bit. I can do that for someone else.

I feel so much better now that I have made the decision. I think that because I’ve been so scared of people finding out, I’ve hidden lots of other things about me too. I haven’t really relaxed and let people get to know me properly. I’ve always been on guard. I think this counts as a pretty big success for today!

My head is full of other stuff at the moment but I’m still on track with my three goals:

I might even have started to find out what I’d like to do next in my life. It feels good that I might be able to help someone who’s having a horrible time.

The successes I have had today:

Beep Beep. ‘Thank you for the cards, I can’t tell you how much they mean to us. If it would still be okay, I would really appreciate talking to you, Angie x.’

Mum replied straight away. ‘I’m free all over the weekend so could talk anytime x.’

They started talking almost immediately and I decided I didn’t want to listen so went for a long walk with Reggie. An hour and a half later, I came home and they were still on the phone!

I waved at Mum as I left for my Saturday Taekwondo session as it looked like she would be on the phone for a long, long time! I’m glad I went because I needed the distraction. I was nervous that I was no longer anonymous. I guess it’s the fear of the unknown again. An hour of training was really good for me and by the time I got home I felt like I was ready to cope with anything! It was a good job as Mum said that if I was up for it, we were going over to their house! My mum really is an ‘all or nothing’ woman!

I panicked. Mum said that I didn’t have to go and that if I did go and wanted to leave at any point, we would leave. She said her priority was me and my wellbeing over and above anyone else’s! The girls name is Amie and her mum is Angie. Mum said it felt good that she was able to listen and that she could really identify with what Angie was saying. She said that Amie’s sister was also struggling as she didn’t know what to do or say. That was it. I knew I had to go. That was the feeling I remembered more than anything. When you just want someone to talk to you about ANYTHING! Just to talk like they always had done. It must be even worse when that person is your sister and you’re used to them talking to you all the time! I wanted to go and try and just make things a little bit better for her.

I showered, changed in to my favourite jeans and over lunch asked Mum about what had happened. Mum was a bit upset as she said it was similar to what happened to me. She was on her way home from a friend’s house and thought she was being followed. It was an older man who raped her and he had been caught a couple of days later. He has now been charged and is in custody. I thought about how frightened she must have been for that couple of days. He was caught because he tried to do it again, but the woman managed to get away and call the police almost immediately. That could have been so much worse. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. Mum said that she’s not sure if Amie will want to talk for long as she’s been given some pills to help her sleep, but we can just go over for a cuppa (Mum’s answer to everything!) and see what happens.

The genius that I am, I didn’t even ask about Amie’s sister as I was so busy trying to think about what I could say that might help!

I think Mum was as nervous as I was as she knocked on the door. Angie opened the door and standing right behind her was Nina Bloody Devlin.

We walked inside and Mum just hugged Angie. That lovely moment was lost on me as I just stood in their hallway trying not to look at Nina. Angie introduced us after what seemed like a lifetime and didn’t seem to notice how awkward it was. My stomach had literally excelled itself with the ache turning into a fireball of panic that rose steadily into my chest, down my arms and into my head. I am as sure as I can be that even my ears were shaking. She offered us a drink and said, through tears, that she couldn’t put into words how much she appreciated us coming over. She said she knew how hard it must have been. It was hard, but if I’d known I was coming to Nina Bloody Devlin’s house I would have sprinted faster than I have ever sprinted before in the opposite direction. It was way too late to start sprinting by then.

I looked at Nina.
I will not be intimidated, I will not be intimidated
.
But when I looked at her, I saw scared and tired eyes.

She looked back at me and said in a whisper, ‘I don’t know how to help Amie. She’s my little sister and I don’t know how to help her.’

I didn’t want to assume that Amie would want to talk to me, so I asked Angie if she could find out. She came back downstairs saying that Amie was awake and would like me to go up. I went up and introduced myself and saw a book lying on the floor. I’d read it in my old school and I asked her if she was enjoying it. Amie smiled and said, ‘No.’

‘I’m not surprised, it almost bored me tears.’

That broke the ice. ‘Not as bad as Maths though is it?‘ she said. ‘I’d read that book every week if it meant I never had to look at numbers again.’ She looked at me as if she was waiting for something. I know that look. Relieved that we were talking about normal stuff and waiting for the ‘r’ word to be brought up. I wasn’t going to do that. We talked about the book, about the music posters she had on her wall and about how much we hated Maths. I didn’t need to say anything about me being a survivor as I knew Angie had told her.

Amie went quiet and said, ‘How did you get through this?’

I told her the truth. ‘I just take every day as it comes and set myself little tiny challenges every day. It started with getting out of bed, then within a week I’d progressed to getting out of bed, washing my hair and getting dressed. I still do it now but the challenges are bigger, like doing my homework. That’s pretty big! You could try telling your sister that you just want to talk about normal stuff and that’s the best way she can help.’ I told her what Mum told me. ‘You’re not a victim. I still have bad days but there’s a lot more good days now! You’re stronger than you think you are!’

I came home feeling absolutely exhausted. I also had a real sense of freedom. I had done something good today. What has happened with Nina has become irrelevant. I had made a
difference. That feels more important than any goal right now and is one of my biggest successes so far.

I saw Nina at school earlier today and I think she is finding out the hard way what it’s like to be alienated. I could see that her friends didn’t know what to say to her and that they were all looking quite awkward around her. She was probably just thinking about her sister, but maybe she’ll get a tiny experience of what it’s like to feel alone. There’s nothing worse than feeling completely alone in a room full of people. I spent months wishing that Nina would one day find out what it felt like. That she would be alienated too. But not like this. Nobody from her gaggle has even looked in my direction, so I am grateful that she hasn’t said anything about my experience to them. If she had, I am sure I’d know about it by the way they’d look at me. It probably wouldn’t be with the usual sneers and giggles.

Jane called last night to find out how it was going with Amie. ‘I’m really impressed with how you’re coping and how you’re stepping up to help someone else.’ That felt good. ‘Just don’t forget the other important stuff too. You need to make sure you’re preparing for exams, going to Taekwondo and writing in the journal. If you don’t look after yourself then you won’t be in a fit state to help someone else.’