Regrets of The Fallen (Victis Honor Book 1) (20 page)

Haruka straightened, unwilling to back down. “Too late.”

“No… You need to… You need to know something,” she said as Haruka noticed a few tears on her cheeks; she was scared. “I don’t want to tell you, but I can’t lie to you anymore, not when you’re about to make the mistake of caring that much for me.” Isabella took a deep breath, summoning some of that strength she used to be known for as she turned back to Haruka, forcing herself to meet her gaze. “My sickness isn’t… just some little thing,” she said quietly, fidgeting with the edge of her robe’s sleeve. “It’s a time limit. I’ve seen multiple people about it, and no one’s really sure how long I have. It could be ten years… It could be one year… It could be even less. Whatever the limit is, the result is the same… I’m dying.”

Haruka would forever remember how things seemed to stop for her at that moment, when she felt something inside herself break. The whole world seemed to turn on its axis, revealing a different one than she’d seen before, like looking at a mirror image. She felt herself take a step back, felt her arms fall to her sides as her gaze fell to the ship’s deck. Neither the waves nor the stars seemed comforting anymore; they seemed mocking.
This must be how she sees them,
Haruka thought, unable to find words to speak aloud.

Isabella watched her, wishing she hadn’t been the cause of such a change in the only person she cared about. She looked down, blinking a few times. “Well, now you know… So you see why it’s foolish for you to care for me. But if you already feel that way, then it’s… probably best if I leave, soon, because otherwise, it’s just unfair to you.
I don’t want to leave, but I-". She was cut off as Haruka lifted her chin and pressed her lips to hers.

The kiss was strong, but not rough – it challenged her to meet it, and she nearly gasped as her lips parted and the monk’s took advantage of the opening. Isabella had no argument – for a moment she couldn’t even think as strong arms encircled her waist and pulled her closer. Her eyes fell closed, but tears escaped them anyway as she wrapped her arms around Haruka’s neck as if afraid she would suddenly change her mind. She kissed her back with all of the emotion she felt, a mixture of sadness and happiness and gratitude and fear, pulling her into a harder kiss with a ferocity that belied her fragile state. After several long moments Haruka pulled away slowly, but only enough to look into her eyes, and for the knight to look back into hers. Isabella felt her breath catch at the fierce determination and support she found there.

“It’s not unfair if you stay,” Haruka said softly, her voice filled with conviction. “It would be unfair of you to rob me of a second of the limited time I have with you.” Haruka brushed away Bella’s tears with a much more gentle hand than she’d ever used, offering a smile. “If you have such little time remaining, then it should be spent getting everything you’ve ever been denied, and it should be spent together.”

Isabella laid her forehead against Haruka’s chest, closing her eyes and letting out a shaky breath. “I’ve lost people I loved… It won’t be easy… The more you care, the more it will hurt.”

Haruka hugged her tightly, standing firm. “I’m strong. I will take it. It would hurt even more to deny me any time with you at all.”

Bella leaned back to look at her, smiling sadly. “Don’t be too sure about that…”

Haruka shook her head. “It’s the only thing I am sure about.” She tilted her head. “You aren’t getting rid of me, Bella.” She kissed her softly again, receiving such a strong response from the knight that she couldn’t possibly doubt she’d made the right choice.

Especially when Isabella looked at her with a mixture of awe and hope, speaking so quietly that Haruka barely caught the two whispered words: “Thank you.”

Freya shook her head, looking at Haruka. “She’s gonna drive you mad.”

Haruka shrugged as she started to follow Isabella. “There are worse ways to go.”

Haruka moved carefully; quietly. She wasn’t used to having to do so, sharing a bed with someone was still new, but she didn’t want her unrest to wake her… girlfriend? Would that be the term? She paused as she pulled on her longcoat over her shirt, trying to describe what, exactly, they were. Could you have a girlfriend you’d only known for about a week and had just kissed the night before, was that normal? Haruka didn’t know, she’d never had one. They weren’t normal in any other way, though, so why should this be? She glanced at Isabella as she slipped out the door, making sure she was still asleep; she needed it.

The monk slipped her hands into the pockets of her coat as she walked out onto the ship’s deck. It was early, very early; by her accounts she had about an hour before sunrise. She nodded to the pirates that were on duty tonight as they greeted her. The early morning air was cool, joined by a wind that blew over the ocean. Haruka had learned that it was often windy around morning and evening on the ocean, something about temperature changes and moving weather. She didn’t pretend to understand it; she was just happy the waves were calm and slow, allowing her to sit in a spot on the deck without worry of slipping or falling. The ship’s massive size was a true blessing for a private person like Haruka, allowing her to find a place even on the deck where she wouldn’t be bothered by others.

She bent her knees and yawned, folding her arms atop her knees and setting her chin on her arm. Since they were sailing south there was always a good view of the sunrise over the ocean, a good enough reason to be up at this time by itself, but it wasn’t why Haruka was awake this morning. Her mind was working too much to sleep, and her stomach was in that annoying state of almost-nausea, like that which preceded embarrassing moments or going into dangerous situations. She watched the waves through half-lidded eyes that had adjusted to the darkness hours ago while staring at the ceiling of her cabin. As much as she’d reassured Isabella, this whole situation truly bothered her.

She wasn’t reconsidering her decision. Illness couldn’t get her to leave Bella any more than her father or Hell itself could, or even the god worshipped by most of the Empire, Sanctus. Still, she found herself wondering
why
it seemed like so much had gone wrong on both sides of the coin that was their relationship; it was like the world itself was against it. Isabella’s past had left her emotionally and mentally scarred; her own past had left her emotionally and mentally closed-off. She was being pursued by the Black Sun, who wanted to take her away; Isabella was losing to some sort of illness that
would
take her away too soon. Idly, Haruka wondered if things could have been different. She wondered if she could have met Bella when all of their parents were still alive, before anything had gone wrong. She wondered if they could have been together for centuries by now.

Haruka sighed, knowing that wasn’t a good path to go down but unable to avoid at least giving it a glance. Everything was wrong, and this was what they had; terrible pasts, mental scars, emotional gaps, pursuing enemies and an unknown time limit that meant they may only
have a few months or years. Isabella was terrified by her sickness, that much was obvious, but who could blame her? She’d probably been prepared to die for a long time, and now, when so near the end, she was suddenly shown what she could have had if she
weren’t
going to die. She’d gone without happiness for over a century only to be given a glimpse of it at the very end, unable to even fully grasp it before it would be gone. It seemed too cruel. ‘Unfair’ was the word Haruka always wanted to use, but Bella would just tell her it was ‘as fair as it gets’.

The knight blamed herself too much. She believed she was only getting what she deserved, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Haruka thought she’d already paid enough, but then she hadn’t been there for the dark times, had she? She couldn’t speak from experience, all she could say was that
she
didn’t blame her. And all of that was only on Bella’s side; whoever was punishing her, whatever deity or Fate, did they think Haruka deserved this, too? She’d lived a life without any emotional investment, without anything to care about, and suddenly she was given someone to
truly
care about… for a short time before they disappeared. The monk grunted, narrowing her eyes at the water. The whole situation was terrible, just… completely… terrible…

Wasn’t it? As if in answer, she heard the soft steps behind her. She recognized them; nervous, unsure. Hesitation and guilt turned them back and forward again, as if the woman couldn’t decide if she should approach or leave her alone. To make it easier Haruka leaned back and patted the deck beside her. Isabella sat down a few seconds later, giving her sideways glances. Haruka shook her head, looking at her through a few loose brown bangs. “In this together,” she said, setting a hand on Isabella’s. “Both victims.”

Isabella bit her lip, meeting her eyes. “That’s not… really true,” she said, drawing a curious look from the monk. “It’s my fault.”

Haruka sighed. “Blaming yourself-“

“No, listen,” Bella interrupted, determined not to hide anything anymore, not in the face of what this woman was already willing to do. “My mind is in… a really bad state. I have these… voices.” She played with the hem of her robe, ignoring the very voices that, at this moment, were telling her this level of honesty was a stupid idea. “It’s kind of split… broken. Aspects of my mind in three pieces. I’ve even given the other two names,” she said with a nervous laugh. She looked at Haruka who, surprisingly, was just watching and listening quietly. “I know how crazy this sounds, but that’s the point; I
am
crazy. And there’s no one to blame for it but me. I was too much of a coward to face my emotions so I shut them away, for
decades
. I told you that, but what I didn’t tell you was that I didn’t make it through that whole. I snapped. It tore me apart; my mind, spirit and… body.” Isabella sighed. “I did this to myself. My insanity, the pain, and the illness… It’s all because of my actions.”

“Then…” Haruka paused, thinking things over carefully. “You’re still a victim.”

Isabella blinked. “What? No, I’m-“

“Shh,” Haruka said as she cut her off with a look. “My turn. You can’t be blamed for breaking. That’s ridiculous; it’s not your fault. Would you blame anyone else for a mental illness? That kind of thing is beyond your control. You broke even before that; you broke when your parents died, and everything after that was your mind trying to cope in any way it could. It shut out the emotions to prevent them from driving you crazy, but they broke through eventually, doing more damage. It’s separated parts of you to help you deal with it again. The problem is that you keep stacking on guilt and emotional pain, forcing your mind to deal with more and more. You never give yourself a rest or allow yourself to heal; it’s been one long problem for two centuries.”

“Do you really believe that?” Bella asked cautiously.

“I don’t waste so many words on things I don’t believe.”

Isabella looked down, staring at the deck as she contemplated the words. “So it’s… not all my fault?”

Haruka smiled. “Of course not. The only one blaming you is you.”

“I…” The blue-haired knight looked at her. “I believe you. I’ll… Yes. I’ll trust you. It might take some time to really stop blaming myself for everything, but I’ll try.”

Haruka sighed in relief. “That’s all I ask.”

Isabella looked at her. “Are you
sure
about this decision? I mean, this is just the beginning. I’ll give you so many headaches, be so emotionally draining…”

Haruka shrugged. “Maybe… But those are just the downsides. You didn’t mention any of the benefits.”

Isabella smiled as she leaned in, taking on a more playful tone. “Oh, there are benefits?”

Haruka gave a chuckle. “I can think of a few.”

“I’m sure you can…”

As Isabella kissed her, Haruka had to go back and correct herself; the whole situation wasn’t
completely
terrible. In fact, as the knight leaned in closer and her tongue teased her lips slightly, Haruka had a lot of difficulty remembering anything terrible at all.

“What’s this, then? Fraternization? On
my
ship?”

Isabella pulled away slowly, her hands still on Haruka’s shoulder and knee as she smiled at Freya. “I’m sorry, is that against the rules?”

The pirate captain shrugged. “I dunno, I rarely bother readin’ ‘em m’self. This might be a stupid question considerin’ yer current position, but are you two t’gether now?” Isabella and Haruka looked at each other and nodded, causing Freya to throw up her arms. “Thank all th’ gods, that was gettin’ annoyin’.”

Haruka
gave her a sideways smile. “Yes, that was the reason. Didn’t want to annoy you.”

“Don’t be smart now. Wait, do I get credit?” As they both shook their heads, Freya frowned. “Hey, that ain’t fair! I’m th’ one who complained about it an’ told you ye were both crazy!”

Haruka rolled her eyes and Isabella smiled. “And we’re very grateful for your accusations of insanity, but let’s be honest, it was only a matter of time with or without your help,” she said with a smile at Haruka, who gave a sage nod.

“Yeah, well, maybe it’s only a matter
o’ time b’fore you’re swimmin’ south.”