Reining In (The Network) (4 page)

At the mention of Lillian a stifled sob caught my attention and I looked over to see Beverly, Raymond's lady friend, silently crying to herself. Another pang of guilt. How many people at their age find love again? Raymond's death had probably broken her heart. She never got a chance to explore their relationship.

I watched Beverly for a while, missing most of Mack's speech, only turning my attention back to him as he finished up.

“Raymond Darling will be missed, but I like to think that he will also be celebrated. He did not leave a hole, but instead filled a gap. Those who knew him are better for it. Those who loved him will forever feel the impact of his love. Forever.”

I wiped away the tears that had fallen. He was right about one thing. Raymond had filled a void that I had felt for thousands of years. My humanity had been restored the moment he entered my life. Nothing would ever be the same without him. But he taught me how to live again. I had to find a way to get past this if I was going to honor him. The question was how?

The burial was rushed, as the rain still came down steadily. There was a reception, afterwards, which Mack made me attend. I knew many of the people there, of course, as a large number of them were from the network. But there were just as many that I did not know.

Raymond made friends easily, and I started to realize that he really did have a life outside our friendship. They introduced themselves to me throughout the evening. Some were old acquaintances; others he had met in recent years. All relayed stories of his quick wit and boundless energy. I couldn’t help but smile at a few of the more extraordinary stories.

The members of my “family” were very happy to see me, rushing over to talk to me the minute they saw an opportunity. Many I hadn’t seen in a long time. As a rule, I had tried to keep moving around, town to town, country to country, in order to keep from arousing suspicion over my eternal youth. Keeping up with my family was easy then.

But as Raymond got on in years and his health began to fail, I moved around less, and eventually stayed here, keeping an ever watchful eye on him. My relationships suffered because of it. I suddenly felt bad. Most of them had walked away from their lives; giving up everything they knew to work for me. I relied on them for everything, but they also relied on me. They needed me as much as I needed them, and I owed it to them to at least pretend to be ok.

I spent the rest of the evening trying my best to be cheerful, or as cheerful as one is expected to be at these sort of things. I caught up with people I hadn’t seen in years, making promises of visits long overdue. I was actually lost in conversation when Mack tapped me on the shoulder to ask if I was ready to leave.

“How late is it?” I had asked, surprised at how quicly the time had passed.

“It’s pretty late, Khallie. Don’t worry, many of them are staying for a few days. You’ll have time to catch up.”

I said my goodbyes and waited at the door for him as he said his. I noticed when he hugged his secretary, Marlene, goodbye, he held her longer than he meant to. I had long suspected that there was more to their relationship than he let on. Her eyes caught mine as she let him go, and she quickly looked away, as if ashamed she had been caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to. I smiled. I knew why they kept it a secret. I would have to remember to talk to Mack about it later. He sacrificed too much for me already. That had to stop.

I was glad to see that the rain had finally let up as he walked me to his car. Although my broken heart was far from healed, I no longer wished for the rain to last forever.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Mississippi,” I answered, without looking up.

“Oh?” He drove in silence for a few minutes, then turned to me, looking at me as though he was trying to read my thoughts.

“When are you leaving?” Strange how perceptive he was. It was as if he actually COULD read them.

“I’m not sure,” I finally replied.

“Do you think it’s a good idea?”

“You don’t?” I asked, surprised. He pondered on this for a moment, trying to decide what he felt. He finally looked at me and then smiled. He looked back at the road, continuing to smile.

“Well?”

“I think it’s a great idea.”

“He wasn’t there tonight?” It sounded like a question, but I already knew the answer. I had looked for him. He wasn’t there.

“It’s not his fault, Khallie. It had nothing to do with you, or Raymond. He couldn’t be there.”

“Yeah.” I wanted to believe him, but I wasn’t as confident as he was about how Jake would react.

“He still loves you, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“It’s the right thing. You can’t spend eternity hiding from what you feel. And you can’t just go around breaking hearts like you do!” He laughed at that last part. I couldn’t help but smile.

“How about next week, after everyone has gone?”

“Great! I’ll help you pack”

"Geez Mack, you'd think you were trying to get rid of me?" Shaking his head, Mack smiled.

“I think I can manage. I’m not a child, you know”

“I know. I just don’t want you to change your mind.” He paused, then, “It’s all he wanted, you know, was to see the two of you together.”

That much I knew. Raymond was nothing if not persistent. He tried to make me go countless times. I had always resisted. I wasn’t really even sure why I was going now, but somehow I knew that I needed to be there, in his arms. The question was, would he still have me?

As we pulled into my drive, I remembered another conversation I wanted to have with him, before I did leave. Now was as good a time as any.

“Mack?”

“Yeah?” He kept his eyes on the drive, carefully pulling up to my front door.

“Um…. Tell me about Marlene.” He tensed up instantly, and I immediately regretted saying anything. But the words were already out of my mouth, so I continued.

"Mack," I said softly, touching his shoulder, trying to reassure him. "I like her."

That was all I said. That was all I needed to say. As I opened the door to get out, I saw him, out of the corner of my eye, smiling as big as he ever had."

“I like her too,” he whispered to himself, barely loud enough for even me to hear.

Chapter Four

I spent the next several days entertaining guests at my house. It wasn’t often that several members of the network would get together in one location, so I tried to look happy, or happier, at least, and enjoy their company. Most of them I hadn’t seen a very long time, and a few I hadn’t seen in years. I used to travel the world frequently, but as they got better at their jobs, my need to move around diminished. I rarely left the country anymore, and when I did, it was often only to a handful of countries.

Of course in recent years, I rarely went anywhere. I had made the decision to stay and take care of Raymond. It was a huge risk, staying in one place for more than a few years. But I had managed to stay out of the radar for the most part, largely due to the unique talents of my friends.

So while they were here, I was going to do my best to make their stays pleasant. They were, after all, my lifeline. Mack took several days off from his office to help out at my house. I thought several times he had made that excuse just so he could keep an eye on me. I knew he was worried about me.

I tried several times to corner him and let him know that I was fine. He would nod his head in agreement, but I could tell he was still thinking about the episode in the hospital. I would have to try to look more like myself when he was around, or he would never let me out of his sight.

The weather had warmed up enough for my guests and me to spend most of our time out by the pool, so I decided to make snacks and drinks so we could enjoy the sun and catch up on old times. Mack came into the kitchen to help me. He always amazed me at how graceful he was. His large hands never seemed clumsy or in the way. In no time at all, he had several trays of snacks ready to go, while I still stood there, preparing a pitcher of lemonade.

“Huh. I thought I was supposed to be the fast one,” I joked. Mack smiled, laughing quietly to himself.

“I think you just like to humor me sometimes,” he joked back. Then, changing the subject, he asked “Have you called Jake yet?”

I sighed, trying to avoid his gaze. He had stopped what he was doing, and was now staring at me, so I knew I couldn’t avoid the question.

“No, I’m not going to call him,” I finally said, a bit too harshly.

“Khallie, don’t tell me you’ve changed your mind. Really, you need this. If you don’t call him, I will. Right now!”

“No. You won’t!!” I almost shouted at him.

“You need to get away from here, and you NEED to fix whatever is left of your relationship with Jake! Khallie, you can’t keep avoiding this. It’s going to happen, like it or not!”

“Are you done?” I asked, when he finally stopped to take a breath. Sometimes Mack could get so excitable about things. I could see the veins pulsing in his temples, about to burst at any moment. When he didn’t answer, I continued.

“I didn’t change my mind.”

“But…”

“Don’t interrupt! I said I didn’t change my mind, and I haven’t. But I am not calling him. I don’t want him to know I’m coming.”

“So you can still change your mind? Khallie that’s not...” I cut him off again.

“Mack! Will you let me finish? There are lots of reasons I’m not calling him. And yes, that is one of them; I admit that, but not the main reason.” I stopped, and sighed. It took me a moment to start up again. I hated admitting my weaknesses, and if it were anyone but Mack standing there, I would’ve left it alone. I also hated it when he thought I was up to something. That was the main reason I rarely kept anything from him. And that was why I continued.

“I’m afraid,” I paused again, looking for the right words.

“You? Afraid?” Mack almost laughed.

“Yes,” I said, giving him a look that said stop goofing and listen. “It’s just that it’s been two years. I haven’t seen him, I haven’t called him, I haven’t written. I cut him off from my life, without so much as an explanation.”

"Jessica," Craddock interrupted, "we're not Vampires."

“He knows why.”

“That doesn’t make it right. What if I call him and he doesn’t want to see me? Or worse, he does want to see me, but between now and the time I get there, he has time to think about what an ass I’ve been. I just want to get there first. I want his genuine reaction without having time to think about it. I want to know how he truly feels, Mack. I don’t expect you to understand. I’m sure it doesn’t make any sense at all, but that’s how I feel. This is going to be hard enough as it is.”

I sat down, exhausted. Everything made me so emotional these days. Mack finished arranging the tray he was working on, pretending to be preoccupied. I knew he was mulling over what I had just said. Finally he looked up and smiled.

“You’re right,” he said. “I don’t understand, but as long as you’re going, I guess I don’t care how you go about doing it.”

“Thanks!” I said, relieved that the conversation was finally over. I helped him pick up the trays and walked towards the door. I held it open as Mack walked out to the patio and my waiting guests.

“So Mack,” I asked, nonchalantly. “Did you invite Marlene?” Mack stopped dead in his tracks; not quite the reaction I was expecting.

“Mack?”

He turned to me, his expression unreadable. I was confused, which must’ve shown in my expression, because he suddenly laughed.

“I’m sorry, Khallie. It’s just that I don’t think she’s ready for this yet. I don’t know how I’m going to tell her, and I’m afraid it’s too soon. She may not react well.”

Now it was my turn to laugh. “Really, Mack, no one said you had to tell her today. I just thought you might enjoy having her here. That’s all.” I walked past him, shaking my head and grinning. “You’re too damn serious sometimes, you know that?”

When he didn’t answer, I stopped and looked back towards him.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea Khallie. How could she not find out by coming here, now, when the whole damn network is here? I swear, some days, I think you’re losing it.”

“Ha. First of all, they aren’t all here, “ I said, sarcastically. “And second of all, what do you think I pay these people for, huh? For their discretion, that’s what. Don’t you think they can manage to keep quiet for one day while your girlfriend hangs out with them?”

At the word girlfriend, we both made a strange face. It was new to both of us. Mack had only had a handful of relationships in the whole time I had known him. His work was his life, and he very seldom let anything interfere with it. I laughed again, as he pondered what I had just said.

“Mack, you have a girlfriend!” I joked. “C’mon, invite her over. Wouldn’t it be nice to do something with her without having to hide it from the rest of the world? Besides, IF you plan on ever telling her the truth, wouldn’t it be easier on her if she already got to know me? Maybe even became friends? It’s a lot easier to accept what someone is if you care about them, right?”

I knew I had him then. It made perfect sense. One of my best qualities was getting people to like me. It was a common trait amongst vampires, and I was particularly good at it. He knew it and he also knew that once they did, it was very hard for them to change that feeling once they found out who I was. Sure, many were scared, but it didn’t take long for them to remember why they liked me in the first place.

I hadn’t spent much time getting to know Marlene, but I was sure it would be easy to win her over. Another thing I was good at was judging character. I had handpicked every member of the network. I trusted each and every one of them. None of them had ever proved me wrong. I was sure that Marlene was no different. But beyond that, I also knew that she would never betray Mack. She would spend the rest of her life trying to make him happy, if he let her. And that alone was worth the risk of letting her in on my little secret.

“I’ll call her right now,” I said, setting down the trays and heading back for the house.

“No. I’ll do it, if I have to.” He tried catching up with me. Too bad he couldn’t move like I could. I ran to the house, in a flash.