Rejoice (24 page)

“Not today, tiger.” He let his forehead rest against Cole’s. “But maybe I’ll see you again before you go, okay?”

“Okay.” Cole’s expression fell. “When are you coming back home where we live?”

Ashley watched Landon’s gaze fall to the ground. When he lifted his eyes, Ashley wasn’t sure if it was the freezing air or Cole’s question, but his lashes were damp. “I’m not sure, buddy. One of these days, okay?”

“Come on, Cole.” Brooke poked her head out of the cab. “We’re waiting, honey.”

Cole wrapped his little-boy arms around Landon’s neck and held on for several seconds. “I love you, Landon.”

“Oh, Cole.” Landon buried his head against Cole’s. “Love you, too.” He eased the child to the ground, and the two waved at each other once more before Cole ran to the cab.

Landon took a step back, closer to Ashley. Together they watched the cab pull away. Landon turned to her. “I hate this part.”

“Me, too.” Ashley pushed her hands deep into her coat pockets and shivered. “Where’s your truck?”

“This way.” Landon held out his hand.

Ashley hesitated only a moment. Then she eased her fingers between his and didn’t resist when he slipped both their hands into his coat pocket. His truck was in the back parking lot. They climbed in and Landon started the engine. It was just after ten o’clock, and at that hour—especially on Christmas Eve—they’d be back at her hotel in twenty minutes.

Landon leaned against the driver’s door and studied her. “Want to talk somewhere?”

For a few seconds Ashley thought about saying the right answer, the one she had rehearsed for this moment:
No, Landon, take me back to the hotel. Nothing good can come from this
. But her heart spoke before her head remembered the words. “Okay.”

They agreed to go back to the Marriott for coffee, but halfway there, Landon pulled into a parking lot near the south end of Central Park and grinned at her. “I have a better idea.”

Again her head demanded that she refuse him, beg him to take her back to the hotel before she fell any more in love with him. But instead she smiled at him, and when he opened her door, this time she easily slipped her hand in his. “We’re walking through Central Park?”

“Not quite.” He led her across the street and down half a block to the place where half a dozen horse-drawn carriages waited.

“Landon!” Ashley’s voice fell to a whisper. “What are you . . . ?”

He lifted one shoulder. “It’s Christmas Eve, Ash.” His eyes met hers and lingered. “Maybe our last.”

The carriages were all different, and Landon picked one where the back curved up over their heads, protecting them from the light snow. He climbed in, then helped her up. Once she was inside, the driver spread a fur blanket over their legs.

“It’ll take a minute to warm up.” Landon put his arm around her and pulled her close.

Again she couldn’t find the strength to fight the moment. Everything light and easy about the night was gone now, and Ashley leaned her head on his shoulder, snuggling closer. Tomorrow didn’t matter. “Thanks, Landon.”

They were four blocks into the park before either of them spoke.

“I liked what Reagan said.” He tightened his hold on her and looked at the bare trees that lined the pathway.

“Reagan?” Ashley sat straighter and found his eyes.

“Her vows. The part about life being uncertain, and love being worthwhile . . .”

“If you had one day or twenty thousand.” Ashley sighed and looked straight ahead again. “I heard it.”

His voice was soft, a caress against her soul. “And . . .”

She rested her head against the back of the carriage. “And it doesn’t apply to us, Landon. If Reagan and Luke only live a handful of days as husband and wife, at least those days will be healthy and safe.” Space had crept between them during the conversation, and a chill made its way down her spine. “I can’t even give you that.”

“Hey.” He touched the side of her face, and she looked at him once more. “You’re giving it to me now.”

Her breath caught in her throat. “Landon . . . you know what I mean.”

“But you haven’t given me a chance. I want to work with you on this, Ashley.”

“No!” She raised her voice a notch. “It isn’t fair to you; I won’t do it. You’re here; your job is here. And this—” she waved her hand around in the air—“this is some kind of Christmas fantasy. Some moment not connected to yesterday or tomorrow, okay?”

He studied her, waiting a handful of heartbeats before the fight left his eyes. “Okay.” He closed in and kissed the tip of her nose. “I’m sorry.”

What else could either of them say? Ashley lifted her chin a notch. “Me, too.”
Keep your distance; come on.
A cool breeze swirled several snowflakes into the carriage.

The ride was half over, and while the horse’s hooves clopped in the background, Landon faced the path ahead and again they were quiet. Ashley ached for a way to break the silence, to tell him that yes, of course Reagan’s words had applied to them as well. To hold him and kiss him and pray that he might come back to Bloomington with her. She hadn’t expected him to kiss her, not even on the tip of her nose. But then she hadn’t expected to be alone with him in a horse-drawn carriage on a snowy Christmas Eve in Central Park.

“I want to ask you something.” Landon shifted his body so he could see her. “Now, before the ride’s over.”

“Okay.” Her lips were suddenly dry, her heart once more skittering about inside her chest. He had a right to tell her he never wanted to talk to her again, and if that was the case, she had to accept it. Dragging out the ending of their relationship was proving hard on both of them.

He opened his mouth to speak, but instead, in a pull too strong for either of them to resist, he eased his fingers along the side of her face and drew closer.

Ashley knew what was going to happen, but she couldn’t stop herself, didn’t want to stop. Their lips touched and he kissed her, melted her in a way that dissolved every reason why she should pull back and have him take her home.

The kiss continued, changing from quiet desperation to urgent. Ashley pulled away first, her lips burning from his warmth, the magic of being with him this way. She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the way her breathing was quick and jagged.
Why, God . . . why does it always come to this when I know we’re not supposed to be together?

Landon was still close, his mouth inches from hers. He whispered the words, slow and thoughtful. “Do you still love me, Ashley?”

She opened her eyes and felt herself falling into his stare, lost in his feelings for her. “Yes, Landon. I always will.”

“Okay, then.” He exhaled and allowed a bit of space between them. “Stay with me, here in New York, until New Year’s Day; would you do that, Ash? I have the week off, and Brooke could take Cole back on Saturday. Then you could get a hotel closer to my apartment. We’ll spend Christmas with your family tomorrow, walk along Fifth Avenue, and go to Times Square on New Year’s Eve.”

“Landon . . .” Ashley tried to contain her smile. She was about to tell him his idea was crazy when he started in again.

“We won’t talk about the future, Ash. But you won’t be seeing a doctor until you get back and then . . . well, by then everything will be different. You’ll be in and out of appointments, and I’ll be—”

“You’ll be a fire captain.” Her heart danced around inside her chest like a small child begging for one more carnival ticket.

“Yes.” He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it. “Please. I’ll go crazy knowing you’re here and not seeing you.”

She felt the corners of her lips inch up into her cheeks. She would have to change her return date, but her ticket allowed for that. “Did you say art museums?”

“And Coney Island dogs.” Landon kissed her again, but not as long as before.

Ashley looked at him and bit her lip. The thrill from a moment earlier faded some. “What happens when the week’s over?”

“We ask God to help us find a way to say good-bye.”

“Again.”

“Yes.” He eased his arm around her shoulders once more. “Again.”

It was after eleven when the carriage came to a stop. Before taking her back to the hotel, Landon took her to a midnight Christmas Eve service at a church in downtown Manhattan.

They held hands as the preacher talked about making every minute of the new year count, about turning it into a gift for God, the way he’d turned the Christ child into a gift for all of mankind.

By the time Ashley got in that night, Brooke and the children were asleep. She tiptoed to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, and climbed into bed. She was glad no one else was awake, glad to keep her feelings about the night to herself. She’d set out that night intent on having only a friendly conversation with Landon. Instead she’d made plans to spend the coming week with him.

She didn’t want Brooke’s approval or Cole’s excitement. Her relationship with Landon was over, so she didn’t want to spend one minute talking about the decision she’d just made. It was crazy, impulsive, and in the end it would hurt both of them when the week was over. But it was Christmas, and come January, everything about Ashley’s life would become more complicated. Yes, the reality of her situation would not change because of a week in Manhattan. In fact, there were a hundred ways she could’ve convinced herself to stay clear of Landon Blake next week, but all of them combined didn’t carry the weight of one single truth.

They might never have a chance like this again.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Christmas, in all its bittersweet array of emotions, was over, and Brooke had a full heart as she packed her suitcase. She and Hayley were catching a plane in the morning. Her parents would keep Maddie, and on Saturday Cole would fly home with them so Ashley could stay through New Year’s.

Brooke folded a pair of slacks and nodded to Ashley. “Could you hand me the sweater in the closet? I almost forgot it.”

Ashley grabbed it and tossed it to her. Then she flopped onto the bed, careful not to disturb Cole, who was sleeping on the other side. “Great day, huh?”

“Wonderful.” Joy and the hint of sorrow filled Brooke’s eyes. “Too bad Peter missed it.”

“Yes.”

They were quiet for a spell.

“It was fun, watching all the kids together, knowing that Reagan and Luke are finally married.”

Brooke raised an eyebrow at her. “Come on, Ashley. It was fun because Landon was there.”

“Well . . .” Ashley sat up and pulled her knees to her chest. “Maybe.”

“Please.” Brooke’s hands fell to her sides, the pair of pants forgotten. She stared at her younger sister. “You two look like parts of the same whole. And when Cole’s with him . . .”

“I know. I’m glad we’ll have this week.”

Brooke released a slow sigh. “You could have more than that if you were willing.”

Ashley’s smile dimmed. “We’ve been through that.”

“I know.” Brooke picked up the sweater, folded it, and set it into the suitcase. “I just think you’re being crazy, Ash. The man’s perfect for you and Cole; he’ll never love anyone like he loves you. It’s written all over everything he says and does when you’re together.”

Ashley bit her lip and looked at Cole. “I know. I see it, too.”

“But today was good for more than that reason. It was seeing Mom and Dad with all the kids, watching Mom’s face glow the way it hasn’t in months. And Hayley, sitting nearby as she responded to her cousins and aunts and uncles. All of it was wonderful.”

“Except for Peter.” Ashley angled her face, her eyes narrowed.

“Except for Peter.” Brooke stopped folding again and stared out the window. “I think I know what happened, Ash.”

“What?”

“I stopped needing him.” She dropped to the edge of the bed and let her eyes fall on Hayley’s sleeping form. “When we met, I needed him because he was a doctor and I was a lowly med student. A dozen times a week I asked him for advice or help with a study sheet. He was tall, intelligent, everything to me. Boyfriend, confidant, study partner, and a raving success on top of it. In a professional sense, he was everything I wanted to be.”

An understanding look filled Ashley’s eyes. “And then you became him.”

“Exactly. Bit by bit I accomplished everything he’d done, and maybe . . . maybe I didn’t need him anymore.”

“He started seeing you as competition instead of a wife.”

“Exactly.”

The idea was so new it hadn’t taken complete root in Brooke’s heart, but for the first time she could connect the dots of her past. Maddie’s health, Hayley’s accident—those things had added to their problems, but they hadn’t caused them.

And neither had Peter, really.

Brooke turned to Ashley, her head reeling. “It was my fault, Ash. I became his equal, and I didn’t see him in the same light anymore, didn’t adore him.” She lifted one shoulder. “He didn’t know how to handle it, or even how to love me.” She could hear the anger in her tone, anger because maybe it wasn’t her fault after all. She was allowed to be successful, too, wasn’t she?

Ashley was on the same track. “Now wait. You’re allowed to be his equal. It wasn’t your success that put distance between you.” Her eyes softened. “It was something you said a minute ago.” She paused. “You stopped needing him.”

Brooke felt the truth drop like a rock to the basement of her heart. “I did, didn’t I?”

“Yes. Sometimes it looked like you were single, and Peter was along for the ride. Lately, I can’t remember seeing you ask for his advice or look at him the way a man needs to be looked at.”

Brooke let loose a sad laugh and studied her younger sister. “How’d you get so smart?”

“Mom.” Ashley smiled. She traced a series of invisible hearts on the hotel bedspread. “The two of us talk more these days. She and Dad believe love is about honoring the other person, making them feel special, needed.” Ashley slid to the edge of the bed and let her feet hang over. “So maybe that’s what’s wrong with you and Peter.”

Brooke thought about the past year, how she’d reacted when Peter wanted to phone a specialist, and later, when he’d made an appointment with the doctor without checking with her. She’d taken it as an affront to her medical training. Instead, maybe Peter was merely being the leader of their family, taking the man’s role of looking out for Maddie the best way he knew how.

Then, after Hayley’s accident . . .

“Peter must’ve felt worthless after Hayley got hurt.”

“I’m sure.”

“And I didn’t help much.” Brooke squinted across the room. “I’ve always tried to be smarter than everyone else.” She was calm, the reality sinking in. “I thought I could earn Dad’s love if I was like him.”

Ashley smiled. “We all thought that, but you know . . . we were all wrong.” She looped her arm through Brooke’s. “Dad loved all of us, whether we were coming home from Paris pregnant or earning a medical degree.”

“You’re right.”

“Maybe you tried to earn Peter’s love the same way.” Ashley blew at a wisp of hair and cast Brooke a sideways glance.

“The whole time proving I was as capable of medicine as he was.”

“Right.”

Brooke felt nauseous, thinking of the times when she’d worked to make a medical point or hold her ground on a method of treatment. She’d all but lost their relationship in her struggle to be a good doctor. Air leaked from her lungs in a tired, defeated way. “All he wanted was for me to honor him, allow him to lead me.”

Their conversation played out, and the more Brooke talked about it the more certain she felt. However badly torn apart her marriage was, she had played a part in its destruction. She would have to find a way to tell Peter her thoughts, but not until she was back home.

Talk turned again to Ashley and Landon. “So . . . you and Landon for a whole week, huh?”

“Yep.” Ashley was on her feet, slowly making her way toward the window. She showed no interest in talking about details. “We both need to be back at work on the third.”

“Well, little sister—” Brooke gave a light laugh—“I want to tell you to stop fighting yourself and love the man, go ahead and make plans for the future. But I know that’s not what you want, so . . .”

“You’re wrong, Brooke.” Ashley looked over her shoulder. “I want it more than I want life. But I won’t do that to him.” She turned back to the window. “There’s a difference.”

“Okay.” Brooke’s tone softened. “But you’re not beginning something with Landon; you’re ending it.” She stood and joined Ashley near the window. The view outside was wetter than before, most of the snow having melted. “All I’m saying is be careful.”

“I won’t be alone with him, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“It’s not.” Brooke held her breath for a moment and then exhaled hard. “You’ve been that route. No one needs to lecture you on making smart choices physically.” She turned to Ashley. “I’m talking about being smart emotionally.”

“Too late for that.” Ashley let her head fall softly against the window. “Leaving him will kill me, Brooke. I already know that.”

“Okay, but I’m thinking about him. Be careful, Ashley. Don’t break his heart.”

Ashley said nothing, but after a while Brooke heard her make a few sniffing sounds.

“Hey, it’s okay, Ash. You’ll be okay.” Brooke hugged her from the side and they stayed that way for a while.

Then Brooke resumed her packing, thinking about their earlier conversation and the truth it held. Indeed, she had stopped needing Peter, stopped admiring him for the work he did each day, stopped acknowledging his accomplishments. Stopped recognizing the place he had as leader in their family.

In that light, small wonder that he’d grown distant from her and the girls.

Ashley was still at the window, lost in her own thoughts, so Brooke moved about the room with as little noise as possible. She placed a final few belongings in the suitcase and zipped it. Already she had outfits laid out for the trip tomorrow. One last check of the closet and she was ready to turn in for the night.

She was headed for the bathroom when she stopped and looked at her sister, still motionless across the room, staring out at the city. “You okay, Ash?”

“Yeah.”

Brooke stared at Ashley’s back for a moment longer and anchored her hands on her hips. Ashley wasn’t okay; neither of them was.

However and why ever Brooke had stopped needing Peter, she was sure of one thing. She needed him now, needed him to help her with Hayley, to believe that one day they’d all be whole again. And most of all, she needed him to hold her and care for her and make her feel like a girl in love again.

There was only one problem.

Peter thought it was too late.