Release (11 page)

Ryann put her
hand in Jonathan’s, feeling so content and happy in that moment to have the
friendship of this wonderful man. 

“Thank you so
much for your friendship.  You’ve been wonderful to me these last couple
of years.  I value our relationship, too.”  Then she switched gears,
and said with a raised eyebrow, “And since we’re talking about relationships, I
couldn’t help but notice a little…friction…between you and Ayanna last night.”

His jaw
tightened, and then he smiled, squeezing her hand before releasing it. 
“Nothing you need to worry about.”

“Listen,” Ryann
said, “I know she can come on a little strong.  But she’s been my best
friend for years.  There’s a depth to her that many don’t get a chance to
see.  Don’t judge her too harshly.” 

Ryann smiled,
watching him process what she’d just said. 

“If she has
depth to her at all, then maybe she should change her approach,” he said dryly.

Ryann gave him a
quirky smile.  “Apparently her approach didn’t impress you.”

He looked at
her.  “Let’s just say that, at the moment, you being her best friend is
the best thing she has going for her,” he said raising his eyebrow
sarcastically.

She liked
Jonathan, but she immediately jumped to Ayanna’s defense.  “That’s not
true at all.  You don’t know her.  Trust me on this.  She’s had
to overcome quite a few obstacles herself.  Given the fact that I’m
friends with both of you, I’m sure you’ll see her again, and I don’t want there
to be problems if we all bump into each other.”

As soon as her
defense of Ayanna left her mouth, she immediately thought of Jeremy.  Was
she doing the same thing to him, that Jonathan was doing to Ayanna?  The
thought made her feel a little sick.

He
smirked.  “Don’t worry.  I can handle it,” then under his breath,
“and her, if need be.” 

Oh well, Ryann
thought.  They were adults.  She’d let them duke it out.

They smiled at
each other, then Jonathan said, “Alright, enough of this love fest.  Let’s
get out of here.”

The next several
hours were spent familiarizing Ryann with the subway stops, and arriving to the
Academy, making sure all of the students were ready for this first big
milestone in their lives. 

By the time the
ceremony was over, and the faculty and families were enjoying some refreshments
in the hall outside the auditorium, it was already past six, and she was
supposed to meet Ayanna at seven.  She texted her to give her a heads up
that she would be leaving soon.  After that, she needed to start saying her
goodbyes so she could head out and meet up with her.  They had agreed to
go to a wine bar in Ryann’s new neighborhood a block or so from her apartment
complex.

She sought out
Jonathan, and walked over to say goodbye.

“Hey,” she said
when she found him.

“Hey, yourself.”
 He stepped away from the family with whom he was talking.

“I’m gonna start
saying my goodbyes, then get going.  Thanks for showing me how to get here
today.  What are you doing tonight?  Do you have any plans?” 

“I’m actually
meeting up with someone later,” he said vaguely.

“Oh, ok.” 
He didn’t elaborate, so she didn’t ask.  “Well, if I need a cup of sugar,
I know where to go,” she smiled.

“That’s that
sweet white stuff, right?” he smiled back, and bumped shoulders with her.

She laughed, then
said, “Alright, let me start getting out of here.  I’ll see you around the
complex.”

“Not unless I
see you first,” he winked.

She spent the
next 15 or 20 minutes saying her goodbyes to students and faculty, feeling a
nostalgia grab hold of her knowing that this would be the last time she would
see most of them.  Eventually, she hopped on the subway to meet Ayanna.

She met up with
her on 20th Street, just outside the popular wine bar “By the Glass.” 
Ayanna looked great as always, her silky black hair like a rainfall down her
back, a gold silk fitted tank top, which made her latte colored skin glow, and
cream colored skinny jeans, with a pair of strappy metallic high heeled
sandals.

They went in and
found a table, turning a few heads from the male patrons as they traversed
across the bar floor. 

After ordering
their drinks, Ryann finally decided to fill Ayanna in on what happened with
Jeremy that morning.  When she told her about the things she had
discovered on the internet, Ayanna listened intently, then sighed.

“Ry, I
understand that you want to be cautious, but how many more reasons are you
going to come up with before you just say fuck it?  I’m not trying to be
difficult here, I’m really not.  But.... I think he really might be a good
guy.  Of course he wasn’t going to tell you about his family and the
foundation.  It took some convincing on his part just to get you to agree
to go to dinner with him.  It’s not like he would want to shoot himself in
the foot.  And the other side of it is, maybe he really
didn’t
think it would be a big deal.  Guys can be clueless that way.”

Ryann took a
deep breath.  The fact that Yanna agreed with him stopped her.  She
asked in a small voice, “Do you really think I’m making an excuse?”

“Sweetie, I
think first and foremost you’re a little scared, which is understandable. 
But at the same time, you know you’re going to have to get back on the horse at
some point.  And do you really think you’ll find a better horse to get on
than Jeremy McCallister?” she asked, wagging her eyebrows.  Then she
turned serious for a moment.  “Just have fun, Ry.  Having sex with
him doesn’t mean you have to marry him.”

That was a new
concept for Ryann, given the fact that the only man she had slept with had been
her husband.  She allowed herself a moment to think of Jeremy...with no
guilt... with no fear.  She
did
want him.  So badly.  If
it wasn’t for his multiple connections to the Institute, she probably wouldn’t
have had such a difficult time making this decision.  Right?  Was she
really letting her fear get in the way?  Maybe they
could
work it
out. 

She began to get
excited.  Maybe after she got home she would call him.  She looked at
Ayanna.

“I love you,
Yan.  You’re the best friend a girl could ever ask for.”

“Of course I
am,” she said saucily.  “So what are you gonna do?”

Ryann smiled and
said, “I think I’m gonna go for it.  I’m gonna call him when I get home to
say yes to dinner tomorrow.”

“Woo hoo!! 
I’m so excited!”  She took a deep smiling breath.  “Okay.  So
when was the last time you got waxed?”

“Ugh, don’t do
this to me.  I’m nervous enough as it is!”

A year earlier,
Ayanna had convinced her to get a Brazilian wax.  Even though the
experience had been more invasive than any gynecological exam she’d ever
experienced, she had to admit she was happy she had gotten one.  She liked
the sensation afterward…sensual, smooth, slick, ultra sensitive, and in a
practical way, clean.  She never went completely bald on the top, liking
to keep a wide “landing strip”, as they say.

But ow, did it
hurt!  And she had been lax in the follow up department for the past
several months.

“Come on! 
I’ll make you an appointment.” 

There was no
stopping her.  She was on a roll.  “There’s a really great place on
34
^th
Street. I got waxed there a couple of months ago on my lunch
break.”

Ryann pinched
the top of her nose, and had chosen not to ask Ayanna why she needed a
Brazilian on her lunch break.

“Maybe you
should go tomorrow on
your
lunch break so you can be ready for dinner
tomorrow.  You need to have all of your lady parts ready, Ry,” Ayanna
said, as if speaking to a five year old.

“Trust me. 
They’re ready.  And I don’t think I should have it done yet.  Maybe
if I remember I’m a hairy beast down there, I’ll have a little more control
over my senses when he’s around,” she groaned.

“No! 
That’s the point, you don’t
want
to control your senses when he’s
around.”

The thought of
her losing control with Jeremy caused the rate of her breathing to kick up, and
the butterflies to resume their place in her stomach.  Ayanna was
right.  If she was going to do this, she was going to do this all the way.

“Okay. 
Make the appointment,” she said with an eye roll.

Ayanna giggled
with glee and rubbed her hands together.  They took the next couple of
minutes discussing details, then Ayanna threw out an offhanded comment.

“So how’s
‘Johnny Be Good’ doing?” she asked casually, taking a sip of her Shiraz.

“Who?”

“You know. 
That hunka hunka burnin’ love that you’ve been keeping a secret for
years.
”
Then she mumbled, “He can’t ignore my feminine wiles forever.”

“Yan,” she said
in a warning tone.  “Jonathan’s one of the good guys.”

“Oh, I have no
doubt he’s good.”  Pause.  “Don’t worry.  He’s a big boy. 
He can take care of himself.”

Ryann found it
humorous that Jonathan had said a similar thing only hours before. 

Ayanna let go of
a frustrated sigh, then looked Ryann dead in the eye. 

“How come the
good guys aren’t drawn to me, Ry?”

Wow.  I
guess it was time for the ‘heavy, deep, and real’, Ryann thought.  Ayanna
had never asked her that question before.  And she had never been
completely honest with Ayanna about her choice of men, mainly because Ayanna
had never asked for her opinion before. 

Ryann took a
deep breath, and grabbed Ayanna’s hand across the table.  “Do you want a
good guy?”

“Just because I
fuck around with men who aren’t marriage material, doesn’t mean that someday, I
don’t want a good man.” Pause.  “Deep down...I don’t know, I think it
would be nice to have someone who just...wants me for me,” she said quietly.

“Yan,” she said,
her heart breaking a little for her.  She hesitated.  How should she
start?  “How would you describe your relationship with your parents?”

Ayanna
snorted.  “Like you really need to ask that question?  And what does
that have to do with anything?”

“Humor me.”

She
shrugged.  “I’m not good enough for them.”  She said it with such a
cavalier tone, that the average person listening would think she didn’t give a
damn.  But Ryann knew better.

“They had
different expectations for you.”

“Yup.  And
they’re just going to have to learn to live with disappointment,” she said
bitterly, taking a swig of her wine, and releasing her hand from Ryann’s.

Ryann grabbed it
right back.  “For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been trying to prove
your worth to your parents, Yan.  I think sometimes we need to realize
that our parents aren’t perfect, and may not give us the affirmation we’re
looking for.”  She paused, then continued quietly.  “And
some
times,
when we don’t get that affirmation from the people we need to get it from, we
look for affirmation in other ways, from other people.”

Ayanna continued
to look at her, and her eyes began to water.  She looked away.  Ryann
squeezed her hand.  “Yan, you’ve spent your whole life looking for
approval and unconditional love from your parents.  And when you couldn’t
get it by being yourself - you’re wonderful, beautiful, perfect self - you had
to come up with ways of getting their attention instead.  Because any
attention is better than no attention at all, right?”

Ayanna looked at
Ryann, and mumbled, “Well, look at you with your little psychological
profile.  How long have you been putting
this
together?”

“Stop. 
Don’t do that.  I fuckin’
love
you,” she said fiercely, feeling her
own eyes begin to water.  “You’ve never asked for my opinion on this
before, but now that you’ve asked, I’m going to be honest.  And you know
I’m being honest out of my love for you.”

“I know,” she
whispered.

“Have you ever
thought that...maybe...the guys you’re choosing are solely the kinds of guys
you know are going to piss off your parents?  You start with a defiant attitude
in middle school, move on to provocative clothing and more flirting in high
school, and snag every guy you can find.  Guys who will fill that void
momentarily, and who will annoy the shit out of your parents in the
process.  Because then they’ll notice you...they’ll at least acknowledge
your presence.”

Ayanna looked at
her in complete shock, then let what she said sink in.  “Shit.  Are
you saying they’ve manipulated me into being a slut?”

“What?! 
You’re
not
a slut.  Don’t you dare talk about yourself that
way!  I’m saying that their own unhealthy ways of relating to you, have
spurred on
your
own unhealthy ways of relating...with guys.  Maybe
it’s time to stop the cycle and realize that you
are
wonderful,
beautiful, and perfect just as you are.  Maybe once you start showing your
real self to men, you’ll snag one of the good ones.”

Ayanna released
her hand from Ryann’s, chugged the rest of her wine, then took a deep cleansing
breath.  “I need some time to process this.  Because if I’m really
doing that, then that
really
pisses me the fuck off.  I haven’t
been able to have a meaningful relationship because I’ve been subconsciously
trying to get my parents’ attention?  I mean,
fuck
.”

Ryann was
relieved that had gone as well as it had.  If she was going to be honest,
she
had
been thinking about it for years.  She was glad she was
finally given the opportunity to say what she had always wanted to say to her
about the subject.

Ayanna looked at
her watch, and said, “I know it’s not even nine o’clock yet, but let’s call it
a night.  Is that ok?”

Ryann could tell
she needed to be alone, and ending the night early was fine with her.  She
still needed to call Jeremy.