Releasing Me (11 page)

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Journal Day 80

Grateful for the piles of dry crunchy leaves that have blanketed the ground and how they remind me of the best days of my life. Grateful for the clarity of those beautiful memories that I will replay for the rest of my life.

It was destination
Chicago, with a detour through New York. I officially emptied my entire loft and had my furnishings sent to Chicago to be put in storage. There was only one thing that stood between me and making my new home in the Windy City … Quinn.

I was still carrying around the unopened letter from Elena. Somehow I knew her words would be life changing for me, so I was saving it for the day when I might need those words to take my next breath. My intuition led me to believe that day was coming soon. It had been almost a month since I’d seen Quinn. I had no illusions about what I might find in New York. Mac and Evan were eager to have me back in Chicago, but they were onboard with my plans to get Quinn back no matter how long it took.

On the way to New York, my mind toiled through all the possibilities of what I might find when I arrived at Quinn’s condo. The thought of him with someone else was gut wrenching, but nonetheless a real possibility. There was also a high probability that he would be drunk and angry or downright cruel. Of course I was hoping for the virtually impossible scenario: him sober, alone, and desperately missing me. Eventually, I had to force myself to think of something else because planning for the unknown felt like a torturous emotional suicide. The radio was a perfect distraction. After all, a road trip wasn’t official until the hippy Prius driver elicited at least a dozen crazy looks from other drivers mildly entertained by my lip-syncing to the radio. At least it looked like lip-syncing from their car, but on the inside of Karma I was putting on a Grammy-winning performance.

It was almost 9:00 p.m. by the time I made it to Manhattan. Standing outside of Quinn’s door, the violent pounding of my heart made my chest feel on the verge of bursting.

Deep breath
…
I am peaceful, I am strong.

I rang the doorbell and held my breath. Never in my life had I felt so nervous. I had to clench my teeth to keep them from chattering. My whole body was nothing short of a wreck. I felt like vomiting, fainting, and crying all at the same time.

Holy crap, Addy, get a grip!

Then the door opened. Quinn stood glassy-eyed in charcoal pants, and a grey and white striped shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the top two buttons undone. The scenario of a sober, alone, and desperately-missing-me Quinn was not standing before me. He looked me up and down once with an angry scowl on his face.

“
No,
”
was all he said before he slammed the door in my face.

Round one goes to Quinn.

He got in the first punch, and I’ll admit I was shook up a bit. I wasn’t expecting such a quick rejection. Like any good fighter, I shook it off and knocked on the door.

No answer. Reaching in my bag for his key with my right hand I tried the knob with my left. It was open.

Peeking around the corner, I saw him slouched in the corner of his couch with a rocks glass filled with ice and an amber liquid in one hand and his other draped over the arm. He was watching C-SPAN and didn’t acknowledge my entrance. I dropped my bag to the floor and walked over to him. When he still refused to look at me, I positioned myself directly in front of him, blocking his view of the TV. He took a swig of his drink then made eye contact with me.

“
Get the fuck out.
”
His voice was icy but calm.

“
No.
”
I crossed my arms over my chest in defiance.

He stood and our bodies were so close his abdomen pressed against my crossed arms. I felt so small next to him. His dark, menacing eyes glowered down at me, but I held my own, refusing to budge one single inch.

“
Then I’m leaving,
”
he said, then threw back the rest of his drink and wiped the corner of his mouth with the back of his arm.

He grabbed his keys and headed toward the door.

“
I’ll be here when you get back,
”
I called out in a surprisingly steady voice.

A cynical laugh escaped past his arrogant smirk.
“
I never took you for the type who liked to watch.
”
Then he was out the door.

Deep breath
…
I am peaceful, I am strong.

Time passed at an agonizingly slow rate over the next hour. The corner of my bottom lip was nearly raw from nervously working it between my teeth as I sat idle on his couch. A door opened and startled me from my anxious state. At first I thought it was déjà vu, but it wasn’t. It was simply history repeating itself. Quinn was draped over some hussy or maybe it was just some poor girl with daddy issues. This time the pain was more from seeing him self-destruct versus seeing him with another woman. Neither one paid a bit of attention to me as they groped each other all the way up the stairs. I’d just stepped into a reality improv. Quinn was unpredictable, and I had no choice but to play off his every move. I marched up the stairs after them, and just as his bedroom door was being shut, I shoved it open. The unsuspecting brunette froze when she saw me. Quinn peeled his lips off her neck and turned in my direction. I crossed my arms over my chest again; it somehow gave me confidence or maybe it symbolically shielded my heart. He glared at me with a hint of confusion in his eyes.

“
You implied I could watch. So by all means, continue. Don’t mind me.
”

Without hesitation, he turned his back to me and started undressing the young brunette as his mouth attacked her lips, neck, and chest. His porno was a horror movie to me, but I refused to look away. It was going to take more than a one-night floozy to make me give up. He pushed her back to the bed, and as he removed her bra, she looked over his shoulder at me. I smiled as her eyes stayed glued to mine. She had not planned on this being a threesome of any sort.

“
Quinn?
”
she said nervously as she tried to push him away.

He stopped and looked back at me. I delivered the same smile to him. No longer finding the humor in the situation, he walked toward me and grabbed my arms pushing me into the hall.
“
I changed my mind,
”
was all he said before yet another door was slammed in my face. This time I heard the click of the lock, one I didn’t have a key to open.

Deep breath
…
I am peaceful, I am strong.

*

Round two goes to Addy
.

Life has to be the proverbial glass of water, just so everyone can choose to be the half-empty pessimist or the half-full optimist. I knew what the view looked like from both rims. Despite Quinn screwing someone else just feet from where I slept, I chose to see it half full. After all, when he shut the front door on me he could have locked it, but he didn’t. When he kicked me out of his room he could have made me leave his condo, but he didn’t. Most significantly, he could have fucked the brunette in front of me, leaving a visual that would be etched into my brain forever, but he didn’t.

I left the door open to the guest room across the hall from Quinn’s all night. There was no need to hide my presence from either one of them. It was a restless night of sleep. Truthfully, I didn’t need a visual. I’d been with him in every way imaginable, so it was too easy to imagine him in all the same positions with someone else. My modified mantra was
“
it’s just sex, not love.
”
Around five o’clock the next morning I was brought out of my light sleep by the sound of his door opening. Lying on my back, I propped myself up on my elbows and gazed out into the hall. My room was dark, so I’m not sure if he could see me, but I saw him walk out in running pants and a sweatshirt. He paused for moment, looking into my room with an expressionless face, before he proceeded down the stairs. In light of the state he was in when I arrived, I was pleased to see he was still exercising. It was a sign that he hadn’t given up on himself––just me. I could work with that.

Not able to get back to sleep, I threw on some yoga clothes and went downstairs to push my body through an hour of physically demanding Astanga Yoga. Working up a good sweat through an intense workout was exactly what I needed to prepare myself for day two. As I was cooling down in Butterfly pose, stretching my hips and lower back, the young brunette made the walk of shame down the stairs. She looked twenty, at best, and when she saw me she jumped.

“
Oh shit, you scared me!
”
she breathed out in a panic.

I smiled and cocked my head to the side.
“
Can I get you some breakfast?
”

Looking completely befuddled, she shook her head while scratching it.
“
Uh, no I need to leave.
”
She pointed to the door as she grabbed her purse from the floor, keeping her eyes on me like I was some sort of dangerous predator.

I put my palms together with my thumbs at my heart and my fingers spread out.
“
Namaste,
”
I saluted and bowed forward. She was out the door in a flash.

Before I jumped in the shower, I scrounged through the kitchen and found plenty of fruit to throw together a fresh smoothie. It was a good sign that Helen, Quinn’s housekeeper, was still taking care of him. While I sipped my smoothie, I texted Mac to let her know I’d made it to New York and had initiated Operation Take Back My Man. Given that it was a Wednesday, I assumed Quinn was at work and I wouldn’t see him until later. When I reached the top of the stairs, my curiosity pulled me into Quinn’s room. Choosing to ignore the tangled sheets on his bed, I walked through the bathroom to his closet. When I flipped on the light, I froze. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The right side of the closet was still neatly lined with all the clothes I’d left behind. I slowed, stepping in farther, and opened the lower drawers. Sure enough, everything was just how I’d left it. A tear escaped one of my eyes, but I quickly wiped it away. It felt like a small victory, but I knew it would take more than that to win the war.

*

That evening, I made dinner and had soft music playing in the background when Quinn came home. He tossed his keys on the entry table then loosened his tie as he spied me in the kitchen. I was chopping red onions and carrots for the kale salad. My fitted black mini sweater dress hugged my curves and the V-neckline showed a nice amount of cleavage.

Glancing up, I smiled.
“
Hey, baby. How was your day?
”

He walked over to the bar and poured himself a drink. As he sipped it, his eyes traveled down my dress to my bare legs and finally ended at my black high-heeled ankle boots. His mouth stayed neutral, but I detected appreciation in his heated eyes.

“
What are you doing?
”
he asked with a hint of exasperation in his voice.

“
Making dinner.
”

After taking another sip of his drink, he slammed his cup down on the bar.
“
That’s not what I mean!
”
he growled.

Pausing to absorb the impact of his reaction, I took a deep breath and continued slicing the knife through the carrots. Keeping my eyes on the cutting board, I felt his body press to the back of mine. He grabbed my right wrist and squeezed it until I dropped the knife. My whole body tensed from his firm grasp. Closing my eyes, I willed myself to stay calm. I wasn’t sure how much alcohol he’d had, but I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. He moved forward another step until I was pinned against the counter. His hands moved to my hips, then he slid them down to the hem of my dress.

“
If you needed a quick fuck, all you had to do was say so. I’m sure you felt a little left out last night.
”
His voice grated in my ear. Both hands fisted the hem of my dress, then he pulled it up completely exposing me.

My breath caught in my throat. He was trying to scare me, but I knew the man who called me the love of his life and that’s who I focused on as I closed my eyes and braced my hands on the counter. My teeth gritted together as he ripped my panties off. His hard cock straining against his pants rubbed into my backside.

“
Is this what you want?
”
he seethed as I heard the sound of his zipper. I was grateful that he couldn’t see my face because tears were streaming down my cheeks. A moment later I felt the warm flesh of his erection at my entrance. He wanted to make me feel violated and used, so I did the only thing I could think of to turn the tables.

“
I love you, Quinn.
”
The words weren’t a plea, they were a promise.

No matter how hard he tried to make me hate him, I never would. His body stilled. I waited to feel him push into me, but he didn’t. Keeping my eyes closed, I felt the loss of all contact, but I remained static. A few moments later the front door slammed, and I opened my eyes to find myself alone. I pushed down my dress and picked my shredded panties up off the floor and tossed them in the trash. Then I wiped my eyes and continued making dinner. There was no time for a pity party, no room for weakness, and no turning back.

Round three goes to Addy.

*

As expected, a few hours later Quinn came barging through the door drunk with a new flavor hanging all over him. Before they had the chance to get upstairs without acknowledging me, I clicked off the TV and strutted to the stairs like I owned the place. His guest glared at me.

“
Who is she?
”
she sneered.

“
I’m the love of his life,
”
I said with a strong, confident voice as I walked upstairs in front of them. A few steps into the guest room I turned and caught Quinn’s eyes as he paused a minute before he started to shut the door.