Releasing Me (6 page)

“
I have nothing better to do than drive down here every weekend for a sailing threesome with you and Evan, so nice try with the blackmail.
”

She poured us both iced tea, and we made our way to the porch overlooking her large, wooded lot.

“
Have you talked to him?
”
she asked hesitantly.

“
By
him
I assume you mean Quinn, and no, I haven’t. Elena has left me several messages, but I haven’t called her. I sent her a few texts letting her know I’m fine and asking how she’s doing.
”

“
How she’s doing? Nothing about Quinn?
”
Mac raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

“
I haven’t asked about him, but she’s offered more than I wanted to know.
”

“
Such as?
”

I sipped my tea and looked out the window at a spastic squirrel zigzagging around the back woods.
“
Such as he hasn’t been sober a day since I left and he quit his physical therapy.
”

“
I wondered.
”

“
What do you mean by that?
”
I looked at her with a raised eye brow.

“
Well, when I called him looking for you he was …
”
The tight apprehension in her face was apparent, even though she had no reason to hide the truth.

“
Drunk. Just say it. He was drunk.
”

Her nose wrinkled as she nodded.

“
What’d he say to you?
”

She didn’t answer.

“
Just tell me, I can handle it,
”
I insisted as I put my glass on a coaster then started nervously twirling my hair.

She released the breath she’d been holding.
“
He said you … crippled him and then dumped his ass and
…
”

“
And what?
”

“
Addy, what’s the purpose of this? If it’s over, then why do this to yourself?
”

“
Mac.
”
I looked at her until she caved and finished.

“
He said he couldn’t care less where you went.
”

Quinn was an awful drunk, but knowing that didn’t lessen the sting.

“
I bet you wish you never met him.
”

I winced hearing her say those words.
“
No, I loved Quinn … I’ll always love him. There was a moment in our relationship when I knew I’d given him so much of myself that I wasn’t sure I’d survive without him. I did it anyway, because being with him was worth it. But I am, one day at a time, surviving without him.
”

“
I don’t know how you do it. You’re such a better person than I am. And you’re definitely a better person than Quinn could ever hope to be. He doesn’t deserve you.
”
Mac spoke with an undercurrent of anger to her voice.

“
Well, until I’m ready to face my past, and I mean
really
face my past, then I’m never going to have a lasting relationship. I try to convince myself that my past doesn’t matter, but it does. It’s part of who I am, and by not sharing it with Quinn I never let him know me, all of me.
”

A lone tear trailed down my cheek.
“
I may have deserved better than he gave me in our last few weeks together, but he deserved better too. He deserved the truth.
”

Mac stood and put her hands on her hips.
“
Well, this conversation has turned into a real downer if you ask me. Let’s call Evan and tell him to fake an illness, malaria or something, so we can go sailing.
”

I went from tears of sadness to tears of laughter.
“
Malaria? Really? Has Evan been out of the country recently? I think he should go with something more believable, say … rabies?
”
I tried to keep a straight face but failed miserably.

“
Whatever, smarty pants.
”
She rolled her eyes.

Mac had a lot of information stored in her brain; she was just very selective when it came to using it. We were a couple of oddballs. Mac was flighty by choice, and I was an unpretentious walking zombie of
“
wasted potential.
”

*

Lake Michigan was calm and warmly
inviting that day. Evan had just finished a big case the week before so he had some wiggle room in his schedule to hang out with us for the afternoon.

“
What have you been up to in Milwaukee?
”
Evan casually asked.

I was trying to corral my windblown hair into a ponytail, so I gave him a generic answer.
“
Not much.
”

“
Mac said you’ve been helping out at the Café. How does that go over with Jake?
”

Oh yes, Jake.

“
He’s good with it. We’ve done a role reversal. I wait for his instructions and he’s grateful to have another set of competent hands on busy days. I don’t have to plan the menu, coordinate catering, or shop for food and supplies, and he doesn’t have to pay me, except for a few free meals.
”

“
You forgot to mention how much time you two have been spending together outside of work,
”
Mac had to add.

She was aware we had become good friends and were spending a lot of time together, but I hadn’t told her about the kiss.

“
Yes, we have a lot in common so we’ve been hanging out.
”
I replied with an even tone as I picked at my fingernails and searched for a new subject.

“
That’s great. He sounds like a good distraction from all you’ve been going through.
”
Evan commented.

Jake was definitely a
distraction
, but I wasn’t sure yet if he was a
good
one.

“
Jake’s quite the hottie, and we both know he’s had eyes for you since the first day he walked into the Café.
”
Mac looked at me with a suggestive smile before giving Evan a reassuring kiss.

“
He’s ten years younger than I am, isn’t that a little … wrong?
”
I posed the question to myself as much as to Mac.

“
Oh jeez, you’re not old enough to be his mother, just a hot older woman. A cougar.
”
A sly grin tugged at her lips while she made a growling sound.

“
I’m not ready to jump into another relationship. You know that.
”

“
Sex, Addy, just sex. Hot, sweaty, multiple orgasm sex with a hot, young, firm, tattooed body. Dear God, I bet he’s ready, willing, and oh so eager to please.
”

“
Mackenzie! I’m standing right here,
”
Evan protested.

“
Oh sweetie, I’m just talking Jake up for Addy’s benefit. You know you’re my one and only hot sex machine,
”
she baby talked as she hugged him and grabbed his ass.

“
Ugh, I think it’s time to head back,
”
I groaned.

CHAPTER SIX

Before I left
for Chicago, I texted
Jake to let him know I would be gone for a few days. His reply of
“
Okay, safe drive
”
was the last I’d heard from him. I was nervous about seeing him again but refused to put off the inevitable. I arrived a half an hour after the Café closed. The chicken part of me hoped Jake had left and I would have until morning to face him. Luck wasn’t on my side. The lights were still on and his Harley was parked behind the building. I deposited my bags in my loft then went downstairs to see him.

“
No rest for the weary?
”

Jake was wiping down the counters but turned at the sound of my voice.

“
Hey, sexy.
”
He had his own version of a panty dropping smile, and it wasn’t too bad.

He was wearing faded blue jeans with various worn areas exposing teasing glimpses of his muscular legs. His plain white T-shirt hugged his chest and broad shoulders. The tattoos covering his arms accentuated his large, defined muscles.

I looked down at my feet to keep from staring at him and to hide my blush from his greeting.

“
Jake, don’t say things like that,
”
I spoke in a soft voice.

He moved closer to me, and with the back of his hand pushed my hair off my shoulder. Then he traced my neck from my ear to my collar bone with the pad of his thumb. He leaned down and whispered in my ear. His breath on my skin awakened every muscle and nerve in my body.

“
Don’t say things like what?
”

I stepped back until I made contact with the door. He followed my every move like we were doing a seductive dance.

“
Jake, I can’t.
”
The rise and fall of my chest became more prominent as he inched closer to me.

“
Can’t or won’t?
”
He lowered his head and brushed his lips down my neck.

He smelled like lemons, mint, and rosemary. My mind screamed for him to stop, but my body melted involuntarily into his touch. I placed my hands on his chest to push him away, but when he looked into my eyes, I felt too weak. His ice blue eyes were filled with passion, but also innocence and kindness. I clenched my fingers, fisting his shirt, then pulled him into me. Our lips met and moved in a slow, synchronized rhythm. His kiss was soft and gentle. I felt the whisper touch of his hands threading though my hair and pulling me closer. His tongue briefly teased mine. He tasted as good as he smelled and that worried me. Releasing his shirt, I pushed against his solid chest.

“
Jake, I don’t think this is a good idea.
”
I ran my tongue over my bottom lip, savoring his essence.

“
Sorry, Addy. You just have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.
”

I detected a hint of blush spreading across his face.

“
You’ve become such a good friend and that’s a real feat in itself. It would be easy to drag you upstairs and happily tear off all your clothes––
”

Jake’s eyes bugged out as a huge grin spread over his face.

“
But it wouldn’t be fair to you. It would be purely physical because I’m emotionally unavailable right now.
”
I breathed out an exasperated sigh.
“
I gave my heart to Quinn, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back … I don’t know if I want it back. The numbness I experience without it makes each passing day more bearable.
”

He was silent for a few moments and chewed the inside of his cheek in a contemplative look that had me curious.

“
So what you’re saying is you want to have your way with me, but you think I might be a clinger?
”

I laughed.
“
Not exactly.
”
Then I raised my eyebrows.
“
Are you a clinger?
”

“
Hmm, I’m not sure. I’ve never found anyone worth
clinging
to.
”

“
That’s just it. Relationships work best when both people want to stay and nobody has to hold on.
”

I pushed up on my toes and kissed him on the cheek.
“
We wouldn’t work, I wouldn’t stay. Goodnight, Jake.
”

Before he had time to respond, I opened the door to my loft then locked it behind me, taking the stairs two at a time.

*

I journaled every day the year Mac and I
spent abroad after the fire. It was therapeutic and I was in dire need of daily reminders that I did indeed have things to be grateful for. Some days I felt as though I was floundering around with no real purpose to my life. Other days felt like a downward spiral. I needed to find a purpose again. After Mac and I returned from our trip, I finished my PhD then moved to Milwaukee to open The Sage Leaf Café.

Over the past year, Quinn had become my new purpose. The day I left him, I felt insignificant again. I was a pinball bouncing around without ever finding the right fit. I needed to find gratitude again and needed perspective. I bought another journal, deciding it was time to start writing again.

My racing mind kept me awake most of the night. I surfed the net, watched TV, read, and eventually lit a candle and meditated just before sunrise. After clearing my mind, I fell into a peaceful sleep. Around noon I was awakened by my phone.

“
Hello?
”
I tried to hide my sleepy voice. After all, how many thirty-two-year-olds sleep until noon?

“
Good morning, sunshine, or technically afternoon. You sound tired. Did I actually wake you?
”

“
Hi, Jake. No, you didn’t wake me.
”
I wasn’t fooling anyone.
“
Okay, maybe you did. I didn’t sleep well last night,
”
I mumbled while yawning.

“
I see, me neither. Were you thinking about me the way I was thinking about you?
”
His tone was mischievous.

“
I was thinking about you some of the time, but I doubt the same way you were thinking about me.
”

Okay, maybe a little.

“
Well, then that’s just tragic. Oh well, maybe next time. Are you planning on joining the living anytime soon?
”

I flipped the covers off and stretched.
“
It’s possible. Why do you ask?
”

“
Mendelssohn Winery is having their open house and I thought we should go.
”

“
We,
huh?
”

“
Did I stutter?
”

I tapped my fingernail on my teeth as I thought about it.

“
What the hell, I don’t have anything better to do.
”

“
Wow. Gee, Jake, I’d love to go to the wine tasting with such a devastatingly handsome guy as yourself. How considerate of you to think of me,
”
he mimicked me in a high pitched voice.

I laughed out loud and it felt good.
“
I’ll be down in an hour.
”

Journal Day 1

Grateful for Jake.

Journal Day 2

Grateful for Jake and Mendelssohn Winery’s silky red wine.

Journal Day 3

Grateful for Jake and his impersonation of Ron Burgundy in
Anchorman
.

Journal Day 4

Grateful for Jake, his to die for taco burger, and kale chips, and motorcycle rides at sunset.

*

Finding my new purpose was a difficult ch
allenge, but I enjoyed living in the moment with Jake, so my purpose could wait. We enjoyed being together and he made me laugh. There was nothing mature about our relationship, and that was what made it work. He was the biggest flirt I’d ever met. We held hands and he never missed a chance to kiss me goodnight in spite of my constant reminders that our relationship had nowhere to go.

“
Margarita night?
”
Jake asked as he closed up the Café.

I was busy wiping down the tables and counters.
“
What did you have in mind?
”

“
I’ll make margarita pizza and you make margaritas. We’ll flip a coin to see who chooses the movie tonight.
”

“
It’s a Wednesday night. I don’t know if late night pizza, alcohol, and movies are such a great idea.
”

“
You’re right. It’s not a great idea. It’s a freakin’ brilliant idea. As you like to remind me every day, I’m young with twenty-something party stamina and you’re old … er. But since we both know you have nothing better to do than soak your dentures and sleep until noon, I see no reason not to eat, drink, and be merry tonight.
”

I snapped him on the butt with my towel.
“
I can’t think straight when I’m around you. You’re such a bad influence. I’ll meet you upstairs. But I’m picking out the movie, so just keep your coin in your pocket, buddy.
”

Before I reached the door Jake grabbed my arm and spun me around into him.
“
Maybe that’s your problem … you try to think too much.
”

He kissed me then turned me back around giving me a smack on my butt.
“
I’ll grab the ingredients and be up soon.
”

I leaped up the stairs with a big grin on my face. Jake was trouble, but I couldn’t stay away from him. He was a delicious, physical temptation that became harder to resist with each passing day. I went years without sex before I met Quinn, then he awakened the sex goddess in me and she wasn’t ready to go back to sleep. In short, I was horny.

I set out my blender and glasses, picked a movie, and changed my clothes––three times. I settled on Daisy Duke cutoffs and a turquoise strapless baby-doll blouse. I fingered through my hair and applied some lip gloss.

“
Addy, what the hell are you doing?
”
I said to myself in the bathroom mirror.

I shut the light off and whispered back to myself as I walked out the door,
“
You’re getting laid, that’s what you’re doing.
”

Two steps later I was startled by a dark figure that stood up from my couch. I flipped the switch to the floor lamp and about lost consciousness.

“
Quinn,
”
I breathed out his name.

“
Did I hear you say you were ‘getting laid?’ Interesting. How did you know I would be here?
”
His voice was slow and slurred.

He was drunk.

“
How did you get in here?
”
I found my voice and it was demanding.

“
Hmm, let’s see, how would I get in here? Oh yeah, I used your ridiculously easy to remember code. God, Addy, you’re too smart not to change your code more often.
”

He started to walk toward me, but his gait was clumsy.

He ran his finger over my bare shoulder and down my arm. My whole body froze at his touch.

“
I like this, and those shorts are so fucking hot.
”
His drunken gaze washed over my body and finally met mine.
“
You’re right.
”
He leaned into me so his liquor-laden breath fanned my face.
“
You are getting laid tonight.
”

My feet refused to move, but I turned my head to the side, wincing in disgust.

“
You’re drunk.
”

“
Ya think?
”
He laughed.

“
Why are you here, Quinn?
”
I said in a calm, even tone.

“
I’m here to take back what’s mine.
”
His voice had an edge to it.

“
And what exactly do you think is yours?
”

“
You.
”
He grabbed my arms and forced his lips to mine.

I moved my head away from him and tried to wriggle out of his grasp.
“
Quinn, stop!
”

Before I had time to register what was happening Quinn was being pulled off me and slammed up against the wall. Jake wedged his forearm under Quinn’s chin against his throat.

“
You’re not welcome here, so I suggest you leave while you’re still breathing.
”
The deep warning tone of Jake’s voice was deadly. It was a side to Jake I’d never seen, not even in the ring.

Quinn tried to free himself, but he was weak and uncoordinated in his inebriated state.

“
Take your fucking hands off me before I break them. You have no idea what I could do to you!
”
Quinn raged.

Jake didn’t back down one inch; he simply shrugged his shoulders.
“
Maybe I don’t, but what I do know is that I’m younger and sober and you couldn’t land a punch tonight if the target was taped to your fist. So here’s how this is going to go. I’m going to let go of you and you’re going to walk your sorry ass out that door and leave town. Do I make myself clear?
”

Quinn glared at Jake with no response and then his gaze fell to me. I looked away. Seeing him like that was torture. Jake slowly released him. Quinn rubbed his neck and headed toward the door with Jake right behind him. Then Quinn suddenly turned and threw a punch at Jake.

“
Jake!
”
I warned.

He easily dodged it, and before I could prevent it, Quinn was knocked out on the ground with a bloodied nose.

“
Quinn!
”
My concern instantly shifted. I ran over and dropped to my knees beside him.
“
Quinn?
”
I yelled, grabbing his face.