Relinquished (10 page)

“Holden couldn’t give a rat’s ass about his image, and he doesn’t feel sorry for me. Try again.” Even though I said the words, I was starting to doubt myself again. Holden had assured me over and over how he felt, so Dante had to be grasping at straws, right?

Huffing out a breath, he dropped the bomb that stopped me in my tracks. “Okay, how about this truth then.  You may not have a family, but he does.  Do you really want to be responsible for tearing us apart? It’s your choice to make because he’s already started fighting with me over you.  I’m sure my dad will be next because there’s no way in hell he’ll accept you two together. Plus, he blew off work and one of our biggest clients today just so he could hang out with you.  He has responsibilities, and you’re getting in the way. Open your eyes, little girl, and see that you are a problem.”  

Mother. Fucker.

Enraged, I slammed the phone down with shaky hands. After letting my walls down and allowing myself to enjoy this new relationship with Holden, Dante found the one thing that would force me to listen to his warning. If I had any doubts at all about Dante investigating me, they were gone.  Not only was he aware of the fact that I didn’t have a family, but he was using that shit against me.  Any trust he’d built with me was gone.

I walked over to the pictures on the table and picked up the one with their father and them as happy little boys.  My eyes welled up knowing what I had to do because there was no way in hell I would be the one to break apart a family. In time, he’d get over whatever feelings he had for me, but the pain of being separated from his family would never go away.

My head pounded, and I started to feel nauseous. I didn’t have long to make up my mind about my next move. I bent over, trying to catch my breath as an overwhelming wave of grief gripped me, strangling my heart. This was the exact devastation I had to make sure he didn’t experience because of me.

Sniffing, I stood up straight and wiped my nose with my arm. 

I hadn’t been able to control what happened to Casey. This I could control. 

Before I could talk myself out of it, I tiptoed up the stairs, grabbed my shit, and stepped into my shoes. I spotted the hoodie he’d given me to wear earlier today laying on the bed and picked it up, holding the warm material close to my chest.  This was going with me. With my faithful bag over my shoulder, I stood on the second-floor landing and listened. It sounded like Holden was turning off the water. That was my cue.

I jogged down the stairs and scribbled a quick note telling him that I had to get to work sooner than I thought and would talk to him at the gym tomorrow.  I had no idea what I was going to say once we were face to face, but I knew he’d come after me if I didn’t let him believe I’d see him later.

I wasn’t familiar with the area, but I remembered how to get to the street where the café and other stores were. If I didn’t hurry, then I would really be late. It took a good fifteen minutes of me jog-walking before I got there.  It hadn’t seemed to take that long while we walked, but I guess that was because I’d been enjoying his company and not trying to run and hide again.

The moment I pulled the door open to a small store, my eyes met the employee behind the register.  “Hi, is there a way I can use your phone to call a cab?”

“Of course.” She eyed me. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, I just have to get to work, and my ride fell through.”

Her suspicious eyes told me she wasn’t buying it, but she picked up the landline phone and called a cab anyway. “They’ll be here in about ten minutes.”

“Thanks, I’ll wait out front.”

Stepping outside, I found a small wall to sit on. 

Dante had been such an asshole on the phone, but he did get my head out of the clouds. I knew better than to open myself up, yet Holden had found a way in. He’d been wrong though. This pain hurts like a motherfucker and
is not
worth the little amount of time I got to spend with him.

At least the temptation of his offer was off the table now.

Bile rose in my throat as I handed the cab driver a hundred bucks for driving me thirty miles to work, in traffic, just so I would get here on time. That was almost every dollar I had. If I’d been thinking straight and had more time, I would’ve taken the bus or the metro.  I was only covered for tonight’s stay at the motel, so now I had to figure out how I was going to pay for more days.  Fuck, this shit was going to weigh heavy on me for the next fucking week. I said a silent prayer that a big tipper would sit in my section tonight, though I knew better than to hold my breath.

The stink of garbage and stale beer hit me the moment I stepped through the back door of the bar. It wouldn’t take anytime at all for me to smell the same. Even the scent of Holden’s shampoo in my hair would be no match for the bar stench.

I still couldn’t shake that call from Dante.  After all these months of knowing him, I didn’t think we were close friends or anything, but dammit, he didn’t have to be such an asshole. I spent the entire drive wracking my brain about it.  The only thing that came to mind was maybe Holden recently stood up for us, and that’s what set Dante off. It didn’t matter at this point how I felt about Holden, I wasn’t going to come between him and family.

Shaking my head, I strolled into the break room and tossed my things into one of the lockers. The rusty metal doors were similar to my old school lockers, nothing like the beautiful ones at Holden’s fancy gym. As I wrapped a short apron around my waist, Trudy, my co-worker for the night, strutted in. Yet another female that rubbed me the wrong way. She was tall, thin, and would probably be beautiful if it hadn’t been for the smug look that seemed to be a permanent fixture on her face.

Besides her bitchy attitude, I had absolutely no respect for her. She was screwing around with Sam, the
married
owner of the bar. As a result, she got away with murder. I’d walked in on them in his office more times than I’d like to count, and to my utter disgust, was invited to join them on occasion.

No, thank you.

I’d often wonder how different things might be around here if Sam’s wife ever found out.

“You know, you’d probably get more tips if you had a better ass.” And there it was, the first dig of the night.

I never replied to Trudy’s snide comments, it would only fuel her sarcasm. Plus, I didn’t give a fuck about her opinion. My ass was just fine. And Holden didn’t seem to complain.

I huffed out a breath, wondering if my mind was going to keep going back to him all night. A small part of me almost wished I’d never met him or had a taste of what it could be like. Fate had just found another way to mind fuck me, and now I’d have to carry around the pain of what could’ve been.

Pushing past her, I slipped the few bucks I had left into the apron pocket, headed down the hall and waved to the cook as I made my way to the bar. I’d learned early on that the cooks and the bartenders were the ones I really needed to be nice to. If they didn’t like me, my orders would get messed up like Trudy’s often were, and we had to pay for our mistakes out of our own pockets. It wouldn’t be worth working here if I had to give my hard earned money back every night.

I walked toward the main floor to greet the bartender, but when I rounded the corner, I found the owner, Sam, behind the bar. That was both good and bad. With him making the drinks, I knew all my orders would be correct, but I also knew mine would come after Trudy’s. And since nobody was really managing tonight, I’d have to keep my guard up around belligerent customers.

Goody-fucking-gumdrops.

At least Tuesday nights weren’t usually too busy. Sam tended to be a bit of a prick to me, but I wanted to remain on friendly terms.

“Hey, Sam. How’s it going?” I tried to make eye contact, but he seemed distracted as he looked toward the front entrance. When I turned, I caught his wife, April, coming through the door, smiling as she swayed her curvy hips back and forth past Trudy’s glare.

“What are
you
doing here?” Sam barked in an accusing tone when April approached the bar and took a seat next to where I was standing.

The limp, flat strands of her haircut framed her round face that now held a scowl. “Can’t a wife come and see her husband at work? Besides, I do own the place ya know.” There was something in her eyes that said she had ulterior motives.  She smiled and pulled me into a quick hug. “Hi, Jules. How’re you doing, sweetie?”

April had the final say when I was hired six months ago, and she’d always been nothing but kind. Which made me feel like shit for not telling her what her husband was doing behind her back.

From what she’d said, when her uncle retired, she’d inherited A Shot Above.  At my final interview, she’d explained that, while her husband did run the bar, she preferred taking care of the job offers. When I learned Sam had hired Trudy two weeks before me, I knew exactly why April wanted a hand in that part of the business.

I smiled back, pretending like I didn’t notice the discomfort in the air. “I’m great. How are you?”

“Fantastic, actually.” She tucked her short brown hair behind her ears and gave Trudy a sideways glance. “I figured it would be pretty slow tonight, so my husband won't be too distracted to give me a little attention.”

Shit. Does she know?

Now I hated myself even more for not telling her. It wasn’t my place, though, and I needed to stay out of it to keep my job. I wasn’t here to make friends, this job was my only means of staying off the street. “I’d better clean up my tables before the rush. Feel free to come sit in my section if Sam gets busy.”  I wasn’t sure why I added that, but I did get a slight nod from Sam. A silent thank you? Yeah, probably not.

April reached over and pulled Sam’s hand to her full lips. “Oh, I’m sure
my husband
won’t get too busy for me, but thanks anyway, Jules.”

With that, I grabbed a wet cloth and spun around to catch Trudy staring daggers at me. Tonight was going to be fucking great.

It turned out to be a lot busier than I expected, which I was thankful for. It helped the time pass quicker. I’d just finished my dinner in the back, washed my dish and hands, and made my way out to the main floor. As I scanned the room, I felt eyes on me before I saw them.

Holden was sitting at a table in my section without a drink. How long had he been there?  My chest tightened seeing him there, but I wasn’t all that surprised.  I just wished he hadn’t wasted a trip.

I made my rounds to the few people still in my section before peeking at him.

His questioning eyes tracked my movements as he waited patiently. I wasn’t sure what was worse: the anticipation of him knowing I had to push him away, or the throbbing pain I was sure to have in my chest once all was said and done.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I fought the urge to reach out and touch him one last time as I stepped closer. “Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here tonight.” My eyes darted around the room, afraid I wouldn’t be able to do this now that he was in front of me.

His eyebrows knitted together while his fingertips grazed the arm I’d rested on his table, sending a million jolts of energy to my fast beating heart. “Really?  We talked about how I was going to drive you to work then hang out until you got off.” He looked back and forth between my eyes, searching for the answers to his unspoken questions. “Then I come downstairs and find my house empty.”

I stared at the table as I traced circles along the grains of wood. “But I left you a note.  I had to leave sooner than we planned and didn’t want you to have to drive out here for nothing.”

“For nothing?” He snickered sarcastically. “Since you don’t work again until Friday, I was hoping you’d come back to the house with me.”

My lungs deflated. It was extremely difficult to pretend like everything was fine while my body was screaming at me to grab on to him and cry out in frustration, telling him everything I felt.  Instead, I had to remember why I needed to reel in my crazy emotions.

I forced my gaze to turn cold as I looked at his breathtaking face. “Holden, that’s not a good idea. You have to work tomorrow, I can see you then.” Unable to look into his eyes any longer without losing it, I dropped my gaze again to the pattern on the table.

“What did I miss?” he spoke softly, seemingly just as upset as I was. “I thought everything was going great.” He grabbed for my hand, holding it with both of his. “Please, Jules, talk to me.” 

I looked over my shoulder and found Sam giving me the stare down. “I can’t right now, I’m at work.”

His shoulders sagged, and he let my hand go. “Okay, we’ll talk when you get off then.”

My eyes flicked anxiously to the door in expectation. “Where’s Dante?”

The curiosity on his face was replaced by a suspicious frown. “I don’t know. Why?”

I felt guilty lying to him, but I just couldn’t go through with telling him the truth right then and there. “No reason.  You normally come in together, that’s all.” I glanced down, remembering he didn’t have a drink, and he obviously wasn’t leaving anytime soon. “Listen, I can feel my boss staring at us, you want your usual?”

“Yeah, but I’ll nurse it for a while.” He snuck a peek past me. “And it looks like your boss isn’t at the bar anymore.”

Good. I needed a moment to gather myself and try to figure out what I was going to do next.

After getting an order from one of my other regulars, I went to the bar. April took the slip from me and moved to the other side. “I’ll get that for you.”  Since she’d practically grown up in this place with her uncle, she was an extremely talented bartender.  Not only were her drinks delicious, but she was skilled at making several at once. Sam and the other bartenders took forever since they could only do one at a time.