Remember Why You Fear Me (5 page)

He asked me why I’d named him George. But he wasn’t angry, he was smiling. Puzzled though. And I told him it was because he looked a bit like George Clooney. And he laughed and said he did not, and I said he did too, and I laughed as well. And actually I suppose he doesn’t look much like George Clooney, not really, what I mean is that George Clooney has nice eyes and my George had nice eyes just like his, and you know how George Clooney has got a sort of square jaw, well my George has nothing like that but it’s a nice jaw anyway. And the real George Clooney doesn’t have a moustache the way my George Clooney does but still never mind. So if you’re the police and you’re out there looking for him then they’re not that alike really, to be honest there’s no point going after George Clooney. And George said that I was right, he did watch sitcoms, he couldn’t only watch the news it’d do his head in. He was sorry if it disturbed me, he could turn the volume down if I liked, and I said that was okay, I liked to hear the laughter. And he said that if I was very good that could be another present, he’d let me watch a sitcom some time, not now but soon. I thanked him for that. And he said it was very odd there was nothing on the news yet, it’d been over a week now, you’d have thought there would be something. I said I didn’t know, maybe they were keeping it a secret, and he said it just didn’t make sense. Then he told me he’d wash up breakfast and he put me back in my room. And a bit later he came back and said why not, we’d watch a sitcom that night, he’d come and get me when one was on. I’d been very good and I deserved a present. (And I think he liked the fact I’d called him George.) And it’s funny, I suppose I’m writing this for George now. I thought at first it was for Daddy, or Paul, or Jessie, although Jessie couldn’t read it she’s only two, but Paul could read it to her, he’s a really good dad like that. But this is for George now, isn’t it? Hello George. You really
do
look like George Clooney, I was being silly before, except for the moustache. And George came and got me and took me into the sitting room, he had the lights off and there was only the light from the TV screen, it was like going to the cinema! And I said that, do you remember, and you laughed, and we sat down on the couch and watched
Friends
. And it was an episode I’d seen before but that was okay, I pretended it was new and laughed anyway, I didn’t want to hurt George’s feelings. Although of course you’ve just read this, George, you know that now, sorry. Sorry. It was a great evening, a bit like a first date, and I hope we can do it again soon.

I’m in love with George Clooney! I am. I’m shaking as I write this, can you tell, I hope my handwriting isn’t too wobbly, but I’m so relieved too. Just to let it out. I love you, George. Let me tell you why I love him. I love his body, no not like that. I love his eyes. I love his teeth. I love his neck. I love his nose. I love his face, it’s a kind face, and I know George has had to do some bad things, I know that’s why I’m here, but you can tell from his face he doesn’t really want to, and there are some people out there who don’t do bad things but their faces aren’t kind and you can tell they’d
like
to do bad things but can’t get round to it and I think that’s worse somehow. It’s a nice face and I love the way it smiles. I love his arms. I love his chest. I love his stomach. I love his hands. I love the way he’s got bits of hair growing on his hands. I love his legs, I haven’t seen much of his legs yet, but it’s February and it’s cold and I can’t wait for summer when it gets hot and he’ll get into his shorts. I love his hair, I want to run my fingers through it, I bet it tastes like butterscotch. I don’t just love his body. I love his voice. I love his smell, it’s a nice smell, I can’t work out what it is yet I’ll come back. I love the way he cuts up all my food for me in the kitchen. I love the way when he locks me in my room he smiles first and says good night and then he turns the key quite slowly so that it feels like he doesn’t want to say goodbye yet. I love the way last night we watched
Friends
again and it was a better episode this time, Chandler and Joey were funny and it didn’t have the monkey in it. And George didn’t laugh at it, and nor did I, we let the TV do the laughing work for us. And after
Friends
George turned over and we watched the weather and then a documentary about plastic surgery, I don’t know how people can go through that. And there was a late film and George said did I feel like staying up for it? And I said yes because it was nice just sitting there with him and being close to him and smelling him and I bet his hair tastes like butterscotch. And during the film George leaned over and he kissed me and he said sorry sorry was he being too forward and I said no he wasn’t and he gave me that smile I love and took my hand in his hand with all the hairs on it. And he took me to his bedroom. And I thought it’d be like mine with all the old stripy wallpaper but it wasn’t, there were silks and rugs and mirrors on the ceiling and a big four poster bed. And he put me on the bed and it was the softest bed I’d ever felt and the sheets were like velvet they were like butterscotch. And we made love right there and then he was gentle but not too gentle and he was rough but not too much, he was in me and through me and George was all around me and all about me and there was nothing but George. And then he kissed me on the lips gentle and rough and that was the nicest thing of all and told me I was the best he’d ever had and that was a nice thing to hear because he is George Clooney after all. And then he took me back to my bedroom and said good night and did that slow key thing and I wrote all this. I love you, George. I’d marry you if I weren’t married already.

I remember what he smells like. It’s sweat. But a nice sweat, I love it.

George is a bit cross with me and making me write this. He wants me to say that what I wrote last night wasn’t true. Well, some of it’s true, watching
Friends
was true and it didn’t have the monkey in it is true and the plastic surgery documentary is true. But nothing about the sex. George wants me to point that out. He said he’d be in enough trouble as it is for what he’d done without lies, and I said the sex was very loving and he said he didn’t think the police would see it that way. So sorry I made that part up. And he wants me to say I made up the bit about being in love with him too. So sorry I made that up. (But I didn’t, it’s true, I love George Clooney.) And he said what was this about August, it’d all be over long before then, it should be over by now, why wasn’t there anything on the news about it? And that he thought I should take out my pad and my pencil and write a letter to Paul or to Daddy and say what George wanted. He’d written one but they’d just ignored it, from me they’d know it was real and he meant business. And I said no. He looked surprised. So was I. I couldn’t imagine saying no to George Clooney. But this pad and this pencil are for writing to
George
, these are love letters to him only. I’m not going to write to my husband with them, that would be cheap and nasty. And George got cross again and said that if I didn’t write the letter he’d punish me, I wouldn’t be allowed to watch TV anymore and I said good, that plastic surgery thing was horrible it had given me nightmares, doing things to their breasts and to their lips, I don’t know how people can go through that. And he promised if I wrote the letter he’d buy me some butterscotch, he thought I might like that, and I said I’d write it if I got the butterscotch first and he thought about it and then said yes. So I’m locked in my room again and he’s at the supermarket and I’m having a nice dessert tonight and I’m meant to be writing the letter now but I’m writing this instead and I’m telling you now I won’t write the letter even so. I don’t love Paul anymore, I love George. When George took me I wanted Paul at first, and Jessie, and Daddy, but if they wanted me they’d have come and got me by now, they wouldn’t have let this happen. They don’t deserve me the way George does. And I’ll try and eat all the butterscotch before George reads this or he’ll know I was breaking my promise and take the butterscotch away, sorry George sorry. But what we have, George, is good and pure, and I can’t let you spoil that, George, I’ll doing this for you, George, it’s for you, George. When I think of what I wrote about you at first on that toilet paper it makes me ashamed. Hurtful things. I’ll never do anything to hurt you again.

I’ve been a very naughty girl, and I’m sorry, properly sorry this time not like last time. And George was quite right to be angry and do what he did, and to be fair he only hit me the once and that was to get me to shut up. It’s not entirely my fault, though, I’m not trying to get out of it, but I’d never have thought of the pencil if he hadn’t put the idea in my head in the first place. But then George points out that I must have been writing with the side of the pencil, trying to sharpen it to a point, I must have been planning it quite on purpose, so I don’t know what to think. After I stuck the pencil in his throat I didn’t wait around, he was making a strange squealing noise I didn’t like at all, and there was blood everywhere. Besides I was trying to escape. I rushed for the front door and I think that’s where I made my big mistake, because it’s in a room I hadn’t seen before, I’d arrived with that blindfold on, and I wasted too much time looking around and taking it in. Then I remembered that George was behind me, I could hear the squealing closer, and I got the chain off the door and got to turn the key but didn’t get to do the bolts before he reached me. And I suppose if I hadn’t been distracted by that new wallpaper and stopped to count the stripes I might have got outside. As I say he only hit me the once and he didn’t break the skin, and I think that was fair because I’d certainly broken his there was blood everywhere I don’t like blood. And we didn’t watch
Friends
for days, and he didn’t let me have my pad and my pencil either, not for days. But the pencil hadn’t been that sharp, I hadn’t killed him or anything, and George is such a kind man he forgave me in the end. He gave me back my pad, as you can see, and he gave me back my pencil, but he makes sure that I only write when he’s there to watch, but I like that better, it’s nice to have his company. And we were watching the news tonight and something lovely happened, it said that Paul was dead. Paul was dead, and so was Jessie, and so was Daddy, and it was okay, it was all quite painless, they wouldn’t have felt a thing. This meant I was a free woman I said, and George turned to me and smiled and said that was all he was waiting for, and he took out a ring. Diamonds I think yes, and he got on his knees and proposed and of course I said yes. We went to his room and made love again, and it was even better this time now we were engaged, it was official and everything. And I told him I was sorry I had tried to run away. And he said it was okay, and he kissed me, and told me that if I ever tried anything like that again with the pencil he’d be forced to kill me. And then he held me in his arms, all night long in his arms around me, never leaving me, except for the bit in the middle I got up to write this.