Remember Why You Fear Me (6 page)

George has started smoking. He’d stopped years ago he said, but he’s been feeling tense. He looks tense too. And at night I can hear him walking and making the floorboards creak, I don’t think he’s sleeping much. I wasn’t sure at first how I felt about the smoking. Daddy used to smoke, but stopped when they made it bad for you, and Paul doesn’t smoke, and Jessie doesn’t smoke, and I don’t think Paul and I would have let her anyway. But I don’t know, I think I like it with George. It makes him look rugged. He’s asking me why no one’s reported my disappearance, don’t my family want me back? And I said that Paul probably knew I wasn’t in love with him anymore and was doing the decent thing. That didn’t make him any less tense, not one bit. I asked him if I could cook dinner for him to help him unwind, and he looked at me a bit strangely then sort of shrugged and said why not. It was lovely to see the kitchen, all the saucepans and spoons and knives and sieves, all silver and gleaming, it quite took my breath away. He wouldn’t let me do any of the sharp stuff, but it was nice us doing the meal together and I made him my specialty. We ate our beans and chips in the sitting room and I think George enjoyed it as much as I did. Afterwards he lit a cigarette and I asked if I could have one, a little shyly actually. And he said he’d nearly finished the packet he needed them, but he’d get some more tomorrow, a lot more, I could have one of those. And I told him they made him look rugged. And that I loved him so much, I loved his hands and his teeth and his neck, I loved his arms, all I didn’t love was his moustache, George Clooney didn’t have a moustache, the real George Clooney, it spoiled the effect, it spoiled everything. He didn’t say anything for a while, just sat there and smoked. I asked him if he was all right. And he said he was just working out what to do now. What should he do now? And I told him not to worry, I’d take care of the washing up for once. And I did.

I’m worried about George. He’s behaving very oddly. He hardly said a word when he let me out for breakfast, and he didn’t touch his Rice Krispies. He smoked the last of his cigarettes, then said he was going out to buy some more, and locked me in my room. When he let me out for lunch I told him he’d promised me I could have a cigarette today, and he didn’t say anything for a while, then handed me the packet. He lit it for me. I’d never smoked before and it was pretty horrid but I worked out it wasn’t quite so bad if you don’t put it in your mouth. I asked him if I looked rugged and he said he didn’t know, so I asked if he could take me to the bathroom so I could look in the mirror, and we went and looked and I don’t think I looked especially rugged, not like George does. But then I’m not sure I want to look rugged, so long as one of us is rugged that’s all right with me, I asked George if he could do the rugged stuff on his own and he said sure. I told him that when we had a baby we’d see how it went, if it were a Jessie we wouldn’t let it smoke, but we would if it were a Jimmy, he could be rugged like his father, we’d start him young, we’d start him right away. I asked him when he thought we could get to work on that, the whole baby idea. He didn’t say anything for a while again and then said he needed to go out. I asked him why and he said he needed some cigarettes. I pointed out he’d only just bought some and then asked if he was getting extra in for Jimmy and he said yes that was it. He took off in the car so quickly it didn’t dawn on me for a while he’d forgotten to lock me in my room. That was very exciting. I could go to the bathroom when I liked, I could turn on the TV and watch whatever I wanted, there was nothing good on though. I even opened the door to his bedroom, I hadn’t been inside and my heart was pounding, I was so excited, and it was everything I hoped it would be, it had the silks and the mirrors and the four poster bed, I couldn’t wait for George to come home with his cigarettes so we could start making babies there. And eventually it occurred to me I could open the front door if I wanted to, and that the bolts weren’t drawn and the chain wasn’t on, I could get outside if I wanted to. Get some fresh air maybe. But I didn’t want to. Not really. It wouldn’t smell of George out there. I wanted George. I want George. I hope he’s back soon. He’s been gone hours, I hope he hasn’t got lost. If he’s not home soon he’ll miss
Friends
and his beans and chips are getting cold.

George woke me up with a shout. He didn’t scream of course, George Clooney wouldn’t scream, but it was a definite shout. I went to see if he was all right. He seemed very upset. He told me that he’d been in Belgium. I said that was nice, what had Belgium been like and he said he didn’t give a shit about Belgium, Belgium was just as far as his car had taken him before he needed to sleep for the night. It was impossible, how could he be back here? I said that maybe he’d only been pretending to be in Belgium, I did that sometimes, when I got bored I made up stories and sometimes they seemed almost real. Though, as far as I could recall, never stories about Belgium. And why was I still here, he asked, didn’t I realize it was over, he’d set me free? and he shouted a bit. He went to the front door and opened it and told me that I could go, what was I waiting for? It was over. And I hadn’t wanted to go outside yesterday when George was gone, I certainly didn’t see the point now he was here. And I told him that wasn’t how love worked, you couldn’t just open someone’s heart and close it again when you’d had enough, I would always be waiting for him, I was his life now, there was no escape. He told me to leave and I said I wouldn’t. He called me a stupid bitch and I forgave him, I forgive you George I know you’re very tense right now, but I’m not sure you should be encouraged, I may have to punish you for that. He went to the kitchen, came back with a knife, kept on jabbing at me with it. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, he’d never wanted to hurt me, had he? He hadn’t hurt me, not much? I agreed, and said that it was his very tenderness that had captured my love, his very distinctive rugged tenderness. I’ll kill you, George said I’ll kill you if I have to, and I told him that Paul had killed me once, or maybe he’d just tried to kill me, it was so long ago this was before we had Jessie and became a proper family and Paul realized he loved me after all and George would feel the same when we had a proper family George just you wait and see, and then George killed me.

George Clooney screamed. I thought that was disappointing. I do hope he doesn’t disappoint me again. I poured him his breakfast cereal but he wasn’t hungry. He told me that this time he’d nearly made it to America, after he’d killed me he’d locked my body in the bedroom then gone straight to the airport then caught the next flight out, he’d only shut his eyes for a little nap and here he was again. He was very upset by this and I felt very sorry for him. He asked to be freed. Please let me go, he said. I’d let Paul go, hadn’t I? But Paul was a special case, I said, how many times do you get gazumped in your affections by George Clooney? I couldn’t just
stop
loving George, I told him, it wasn’t like a tap, it was real this love it wouldn’t be denied. But if he did everything I told him to, I’d do my very best, I promised, I’d harden my heart to him, I’d try to get bored of him and let my passion for him die. What did he have to do, he asked. Convince me that you love me, I said. That you live for me, that you live only for me, you won’t try to run again, will you George, that isn’t love, but I’ll lock you in your room anyway from now on, I know how hard it can be sometimes to do the right thing and listen to what your heart wants. Love me blindly love me desperately love me entirely love me without end or hope of end. And maybe I’ll get bored of your love, what’s more boring than that? And finish your breakfast. I’d made him his breakfast, the least he could do was to finish it. He ate his Krispies, and then I poured him a second bowl, and then a third, and then more, I could have made him eat those Krispies all day but then I got bored, you see George, I can get bored, there’s hope for you yet. Then I kissed him, hard on the lips. I told him he was allowed to respond. I loved him, I said. I loved his hands and I loved his eyes and I loved his teeth but the only thing I didn’t love was his moustache. In fact I disliked it. In fact I hated it. In fact the very sight of it made me want to hurt him. George Clooney didn’t have a moustache, my George would be better off without one, my George would be safer. And he said he’d shave it off right away, and I said no, I couldn’t trust him with sharp objects, not anymore. I’d have to shave it off for him. I fetched a knife from the kitchen. He asked for shaving cream and I said there was no need for that and he began to cry and I told him that he had to keep still he mustn’t flinch, if he kept still and didn’t flinch I wouldn’t cut him, but he was crying so much he flinched so I did cut him, I took off his upper lip. I don’t like blood, I’m scared of blood, but sacrifices have to be made. He looked a bit funny now without a lip but at least he was also without a moustache, it’s not such a bad trade off. And now I told him I wanted us to make love, I wanted to have butterscotch love. I wanted him inside me, not one scrap of him could get away, and to make the point I took the gobbet of flesh that had been his lip and popped it in my mouth and swallowed it down. And he threw up, and I’m sure I don’t know why, I was the one who had eaten the disgusting thing. We had sex, and it wasn’t as good as I remembered it, and I made allowances I knew he was scared and confused, and bleeding quite badly actually—but it was all right, I closed my eyes and I pictured the four poster bed and the mirrors and even a fountain, why not, a little fountain in the corner, and I smelled him and he smelled of sweat but it was nice, it was a good sweat really, I love it.