Remembered (3 page)

“You have no memory of turning up alone at a police station
at the age of six?”

“I don’t remember a thing about it. I actually found out
about that later on. I guess one of my parents must have left me there.”

“Nothing?” Dr. Lewis pushed.

“Nothing,” Emily responded, shaking her head.

“So you were in foster home after foster home until you went
to live with Margaret and Bill?” Dr. Lewis asked.

“I spent some time in a group home, maybe a year, maybe a
little less. I went to live with Margaret and Bill when I was eleven. That was
the same year I met Cappy.”

“You met Catherine in school?” Dr. Lewis asked.

“Yes. We were in the same sixth grade class.”

“Do you think that Margaret and Bill loved you?”

“No, not exactly, I don’t think they really loved me. I felt
their kindness was more an act of charity, their civil duty. I don’t mean to
take away from their generosity towards me, but it could have easily been
another child in their home, and it wouldn’t have made any difference to them.
They had been fostering for forty years before I went to live with them.”

“Did you ever try to locate your parents?” The doctor asked.

“In the beginning of my senior year of high school, I tried
to investigate their whereabouts, but came up with nothing. It’s as though I
appeared out of nowhere,” Emily replied.

“Have you tried since?”

“No, I lost interest. But last year, when Cappy became a
social worker for the state, she continued the search for a while. She came up
empty handed also, except for one odd piece of information.”

“Which was?”

“Apparently, the day I was found, I turned up on the
precinct steps wearing nothing but an old rag held together with a clip, and
this rag is still in my files with the Administration for Children’s Services,
should I ever want it back; not that I would.”

“Strange indeed,” Dr. Lewis mumbled. “If you have no family
history, where did your name come from?”

“Emily was obviously my given name, and the State kindly
awarded me the surname Smith. I suppose they preferred Emily Smith to Jane
Doe.”

“I suppose,” the doctor agreed. “And you believe that your
relationship with Catherine is the only loving one you’ve ever had?”

“She’s the closest thing to family I’ve ever had,” Emily
answered. “She’s much more than a best friend. When her father had an affair
two years ago, she took her mother’s side when they separated, and stopped
speaking to her father. Then, when her parents reconciled, her mother turned it
all around that somehow Cappy was in the wrong, and more or less disowned her
own daughter. She hasn’t spoken to either parent since. So now we’re all we’ve
got.”

“Yeah, I heard about that,” Dr. Lewis replied. “Do you ever
feel angry or cheated that you grew up without anyone? I mean, besides
Catherine. Do you resent not having a real family?”

“I don’t think about it much,” Emily said. “If anything,
I’ve always thought that someone, somewhere, must love me; they just don’t know
how to find me. I’ve always felt loved, despite the fact that I wasn’t.”

Finally, towards the end of the session, Dr. Lewis got
around to the subject of the strange dreams. “Catherine told me that you were having
some disturbing dreams. This is what prompted you to want to speak with me. Can
you tell me about them?”

“I’ve been dreaming about a man named Kellus whom I can’t
stop thinking about while I’m awake,” Emily answered, shrugging her shoulders.

“Who is this man?” Dr. Lewis asked, suddenly seeming more
interested in this than anything else Emily had told her.

“I have no idea; I’ve never met him.”

“Are you sure?” The doctor questioned.

“Believe me, a girl would not forget a hottie like that
quickly,” Emily stated.

“How long have you been having these dreams?”

“They started right after my birthday, three weeks ago.”

“Do you see a connection between turning twenty-two and the
dreams?” Dr. Lewis asked.

“I don’t understand what you mean,” Emily confessed.

“Well, could it be possible that you are getting to the age
where you would like to be intimate with someone, yet your fear is holding you
back?”

“I don’t think I have a fear of being intimate. You’re not
the first person to suggest that, and I’ve thought about that a lot,” Emily
replied, feeling an all too familiar agitation.

“So, why do you suppose you’ve gone all through high school
without dating, and all through college without a boyfriend?” Dr. Lewis
queried.

“I just never found anyone I was interested in that way,”
Emily answered defensively.

“Until you started having those dreams,” the doctor
corrected.

“Okay,” Emily agreed, shrugging.

“How often do they occur?” Dr. Lewis questioned.

“At first it was twice a week maybe, but now it’s almost
every night.”

“Can you describe what takes place in your dreams?”

“He usually just stares at me, or tells me that he can’t
live without me…or Annie,” Emily answered.

“Who’s Annie?” Dr. Lewis asked.

“I don’t know. I’ve never met anyone named Annie, but that’s
what he calls me.”

“How does he look while he’s staring at you?” The doctor
pushed.

“Like the most beautiful creature to walk the earth,” Emily
replied matter-of-factly.

“No,” the doctor laughed. “I meant, what is his expression
like? Is he angry or sad?”

“He looks like he thinks I’m the most beautiful creature
ever. He looks like he is completely in love with me.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

“Like I love him too. Like I’m pining over a man that
doesn’t exist,” Emily stated firmly.

“How do you know that he doesn’t exist? Dr. Lewis asked.

“You think he may be real?” Emily asked skeptically.

“I wonder…” Dr. Lewis trailed off. She looked over Emily’s
head towards the window behind her, deep in thought. “Memories can remain
hidden in our mind for years, and then one day, something will trigger a memory
to jump to the forefront. Do you think it’s possible that Kellus could be your
father or another relative?”

“I don’t know,” Emily replied. “I was going to ask if
you
thought that was possible. I don’t think the feelings I have are actually
appropriate to have for your father, not that I’ve ever had one, but it’s more
of a wanting-to-jump-his-bones kind of feeling.”

“That means very little,” the doctor countered. “Most young
girls have their first sexual fantasy about their own father, or at least Freud
thought so.”

“Yeah well, that’s just…that’s just really gross,” Emily
gasped, wincing at the thought. “And besides, didn’t other psychologists strongly
disagree with Freud?”

“I’m not saying Freud was right or wrong. I’m only
suggesting that maybe you are confusing the admiration you have for this
person, the need to be with him, with some kind of romantic feelings,” Dr.
Lewis answered.

“So you think that Kellus could be my father.  That maybe my
subconscious remembers his face, and the romantic love I feel for him is my
mind, somehow, confusing the emotions of romantic love with fatherly love?”

Dr. Lewis nodded. “I…I wonder if I could ask you for a favor.”
She narrowed her eyes as though she was deep in thought again. This time there
was an excitement in her features, anticipation. “We are awarded funding to do
a small amount of research here. I wonder if you would let me hypnotize you.
There is a procedure called Hypnotic Hypermnesia. It is mainly used to improve
the memory, but some believe it can retrieve memories from as far back as
infancy. This would be entirely pro bono, of course. My colleague and I are
both very interested in hypnotherapy, but rarely do we have the opportunity to
study someone in your position; someone who has no memory of their parents, yet
dreams of people that they believe they’ve never met. It’s believed that many
people who have not seen their parents since birth, can still have very vivid
memories of their mother or father buried inside their subconscious.” She was
like a kid on Christmas morning.

“That sounds very interesting,” Emily answered. “Maybe I can
get to the bottom of these dreams finally.”

“Wonderful,” Dr. Lewis gushed. “Can you come back on Monday?”

“Monday would be perfect,” Emily agreed.

He rested his head on top of hers, his arms wrapped
tightly around her waist. Slowly, he brought his mouth to her ear. “Marry me,
Annie,” he whispered.

She pulled away from him and looked up into his eyes. “Is
it possible?” she asked.

“I no longer care,” he replied. “I only know what’s
necessary, and I can’t live another day without you.”

Emily slowly became aware of her surroundings. She tried to
hold on to the dream, but it was slipping away. She squeezed her eyes tight,
trying to ward off wakefulness with little success.

The lovely dream dissolved.

She threw on her robe and made her way down the hall.

Cappy sat crossed legged on the couch watching ‘Sex and the
City’, her typical Sunday morning routine. Emily poured a cup of coffee and
joined her on the couch.

“Are you all set for your appointment with Dr. Lewis
tomorrow?” Cappy asked.

“Yeah, I’m all set. Did Dr. Lewis have any specific
instructions for me?” Emily questioned.

“None. She’s a brilliant psychologist …” Cappy stuttered as
though there was something that she was reluctant to say.

“Yeah, she seems good. She just seemed a little overly
enthusiastic about my dreams. It kind of freaked me out a little,” Emily
replied. She waited for Cappy to say what was on her mind, not wanting to push
her.

Finally, Cappy spoke. “I won’t lie to you; the guys in the
psychology department are a tad intense, and they’re usually itching to play
with somebody’s mind. It really doesn’t matter who that mind belongs to.”

“Great. Now you tell me. What happened to
‘I work with a great
lady called Liz Lewis. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind spending an hour or two
talking to you if I asked her to’
?” Emily questioned in a mocking tone.
“Are you trying to tell me that you don’t think I should go through with this?”

“I don’t think you should go through with this,” Cappy
answered flatly.

“Why not?” Emily pushed.

“Look, I was all on board for you talking to Liz for an hour
or so, but this…this is really drastic. Suppose you uncover something you’re
not ready to face?” Cappy screeched. “Don’t do this, Ems.”

“I understand your concerns, Cap, and I’ve considered that
myself, but I still want to do it. I’m excited at the prospect of possibly
getting a glimpse of my mother or father.”

“Why now, though?” Cappy questioned, irritated.

“No one’s ever offered to hypnotize me for that reason
before, or for any reason. Don’t worry, I’ll be absolutely fine,” Emily
promised.

By the following evening, however, that excitement had
quickly turned to apprehension.

As Emily walked briskly up Third Avenue towards the
subway—hurrying to an appointment with a past that was perhaps better left
alone—she started to panic, and considered the notion that Cappy may have been
right.

She arrived at the building and called Cappy from her cell
phone. “Cap, I’m outside. I can’t remember what floor Dr. Lewis told me to go
to.” This was a tiny lie. What she really wanted was the comfort of seeing a
friendly face before she allowed herself to be carried into the deepest depths
of her memories.

“I’ll come out and get you,” Cappy replied. She met Emily
outside the building and escorted her to the sixth floor. “I’ll wait in my
office for you. Call me when you’re done, and good luck.” Something in Emily’s
expression must have alerted Cappy to her panic. “Ems, don’t do this if you feel
scared or uncomfortable. We can leave now. I’ll call Dr. Lewis and tell her
that something came up, and you can’t make it.” She placed her hand on Emily’s
shoulder.

“I’m fine. I’m just being a baby,” Emily answered, trying to
sound convincing, but her voice cracked on the last word.

Cappy pursed her lips. “Are you sure?” she pushed.

“Yeah…I’ll call you when I’m done,” Emily promised. She gave
Cappy a quick peek on the cheek and knocked on the door before she could change
her mind.

“Come in, Emily,” Dr. Lewis said, holding the door open.
“It’s really nice to see you again.”

“You too,” Emily answered, trying to steady her voice. She
quickly glanced around the room and felt instantly worse.

It was a tiny room with a reclining chair, similar to one in
a dentist’s office, minus the light on top. On the right hand side of the room,
a computer monitor sat on an old desk and next to it lay the scariest thing of
all: lots of thin wires with tiny suction cups and clips attached to the ends.

Emily swallowed with great effort.

“Okay, take a seat,” instructed the doctor, gesturing towards
the reclined chair. “My colleague, Dr. Thompson, is going to join us in one
minute—ah, he’s here already.”

Emily looked over to see a pleasant faced man enter the
room.

“Hi, Emily,” he called out cheerfully. “I’m Dr. Thompson.”

“Nice to meet you,” Emily replied politely. She walked over
to the reclining chair and reluctantly climbed on.

Dr. Thompson began playing with the bundle of wires,
untangling them. When he was finished, he turned to her, still holding the
wires in his hand. “I’m going to place these on your head,” he explained,
holding them up for her to see.

“What is that, Doctor?” she asked, starting to feel
terrified. She remembered what Cappy told her—these doctors loved to play with
people’s minds. What did they have planned for her?

“This is an Electroencephalogram.” He looked at the monitor
and wires the way a new mother would gaze at her baby; to say the look was
‘pride’
would be an understatement.