Remembering Phoenix (32 page)

My gaze goes from Phoenix back to Slayter. From Slayter back to Phoenix.

My heart is torn. One piece in this angel park, the other piece in that hospital room.

“If you go back, you can have us both, Mommy. I promise.” I look down into his green eyes, mirroring my own. “Do you remember what you used to always tell me, Mommy?”

“No, sweetie. What was that?”

“You always told me, ‘If you ever get sad, close your eyes and take a big breath. Remember that your heart is my heart. Your home is my home. And then you’ll smile.’”

I close my eyes, placing my hand over my chest, and repeat, “Your heart is my heart. Your home is my home.”

He gently places his hand on my cheek. The warmth of his small little touch wraps around me like a veil of comfort. He releases his hand and gets off of my lap. He whispers, “Keep repeating it, Mommy. If you keep repeating it, you’ll finally go to where your heart is.” His voice gets more distant with each passing second. “I love you, Mommy. You’ll never forget me. I promise.”

When I open my eyes, Phoenix is gone. The park is gone.

I’m in a dark room, only illuminated by a single foggy window. Etched into the fog is I heart you.

I hear Phoenix’s voice. It’s faint, barely audible. “Wake up, Mommy.”

A tear trickles down my cheek as I try to catch my breath, but my eyes stay focused on the window. I walk closer to it and bring my finger up to the writing.

I feel it.

That tug.

That pull.

And then I hear him…

I rub my eyes with the back of my hand, trying to keep myself awake. I’ve barely slept a wink since she’s been in this hospital, determined to stay awake as much as possible. I fall asleep sometimes, but never for too long.

If she wakes up, I don’t want to miss it. If something happens and I’m not here, I’ll never forgive myself. The day before yesterday was by far the scariest day for me. I thought for a second I was losing her.

“Slayter.” Kathy stands at the entrance of Charlie’s ICU cubicle.

“Hey.” I stand up, offering her my chair. My legs need stretching anyway, so I’ll seize the opportunity.

“Thank you.” She sits down, laying her hand over Charlie’s. “How are you?”

I run my fingers roughly through my hair. “How am I? Well, I’ll be better once I know Charlie is going to be okay. I’m scared, Mrs. Beck.”

“Slayter,” she says with a sad smile, “please, call me Kathy.”

“Kathy. I apologize.”

She smiles. “I’m sorry I haven’t really gotten a chance to sit down and talk to you. It’s been a little hectic over the past few days.”

I nod in understanding. “That it has.”

“You’ve been so good to my girl,” she says. She folds a handkerchief and places it on her leg. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” I tell her. “I love your daughter—every single part of her, even the dark parts, more than I could ever explain. I’ll always be here. Wherever she is, I am.”

She wipes a tear from her eye. She looks at Charlie before drawing her eyes back to me. “I wholeheartedly believe that. And if she wakes up from this—“

“She will,” I interrupt.
She has to.

“I believe that, too,” she agrees. “I’m also not naïve enough to think that she won’t possibly have some type of long term, even permanent, consequences from this.”

“I’m willing to live with that. As long as she lives, I don’t care.”

She stands from the chair and walks over to me, placing her hand on my shoulder. “You’re a good man, Slayter Beck.”

I think they’re giving me more credit than I deserve. I’m no saint. I just refuse to walk away. Because if I do, I know I’ll never have a heart again. If she dies, which she damn well better not, my heart will be buried six feet under.

Walking away would be a hell of a lot easier than sitting here, waiting to see which side of the line she crosses over—life or death. But I couldn’t walk away, even if I wanted to.

I look down at Charlie. Her breathing shallow; the hum of the machine is the only thing cutting through the heavy silence. There’s so much I want to say, so much I
need
to say, but every time I try to get the words out, I can’t. This time is no different. So without taking my eyes off Charlie, I tell Kathy, “Thank you.”

She gives me a quick hug. “I’m going to go down to the cafeteria and grab a bite to eat while I call Charles. He woke up sick, so he wasn’t able to come this morning.” I nod.

Once she’s gone I find my way back to my seat. Sitting on the edge of the chair, I grab Charlie’s small hand between both of mine. I just watch her for a few minutes, hoping those eyes of hers will flutter open. Days have passed since I’ve been able to gaze into those eyes. Pieces of my heart break off minute by minute. I need her to wake up. I have so much to tell her, so much I
need
her to know.

Sitting here, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company, I think about everything.

Life.

Death.

Choices.

Falling in love with Charlie was beyond my control. I didn’t want to want her, but I couldn’t stay away. Once I realized how deep my feelings were, it was too late for my heart, and it was way too early for hers.

But if there’s anything I’ve learned about life in the past eight months, it’s that it doesn’t stop. Not for anything or anyone. And even when your world stills, everyone else’s continues to march on. Time stops for no one.

I rub my thumb over her wrist as I begin to talk to her like she is sitting here, not in a coma.

“Hey beautiful,” I begin. “I know you’re hard-headed. And I know if there is anyone in this world who is strong, it’s you. I know you’ve felt weak at times, so weak that you couldn’t go on, but you’re here. And you’re still fighting. I’d like to think that reason is me.” I laugh at myself, despite the crushing ache in my chest. She’d be rolling her eyes at me right now if she could.
God, I wish she were rolling her eyes at me right now.
“If there is anything in this world that I want, it’s you.”

I take a deep breath and open up the journal to the very last page. I finished reading every other entry last night, but I’ve been unable to read this one. Until now. “I’ve read your words, Charlie. I’ve read every single one, except this last entry, to you. And you know what each one tells me?

“They tell me that you loved without abandon. They tell me that you would have given up anything if that meant Phoenix had everything. These entries showed me that you weren’t only his mother, but you were his world, and he yours. But the thing is, Charlie, just because he’s not here, and just because you don’t remember him, doesn’t mean he can’t still be your world.

“He will always be your world. And I’m so okay with that. I wouldn’t want it any other way. He’s your everything. But Charlie, for some crazy ass reason, you’ve become mine. And I don’t know when it happened, or really how, but you have left a mark on my heart so large that nothing will ever fill it.” I put my fist over my heart, wishing she could see me. “I’ve got you, Charlie. I’ve got you so far in this heart of mine, there’s no removing you from it. So, whether you like it or not, I’m not going anywhere.

“Now, I’m going to read this, and please don’t laugh at me if I tear up. Because you’ve brought out the pussy in me. I’m emotional like a hormonal woman. I’m not ashamed. I’m very confident in my manhood. So, here it goes. The last entry in your notebook. And the last hope I have in you remembering Phoenix.”

October 15, 2011

Right now. At this very moment, you’re climbing up the slide. It’s taken me almost two hours to let you attempt it on your own. But you said, “I’m big, Mommy. I can do it.”

Oh, you are big, my little guy. So big, and you’re growing every day. Oh, there you are on the top of that slide, waving at me like you’re the king of the world.

You’re the king of mine.

You slid down the slide.

You did it. All by yourself. I’m so proud of you. I’m so very proud of you.

(Okay, this is about fifteen minutes later. You requested my playtime.)

You have now mastered the monkey bars. You are testing my nerves and just how much they can handle with your fearless personality. But remember, always be fearless. Fear anchors us. Fear keeps us from our dreams.

I want you to accomplish every dream you ever have. Whether that dream is to fix sandwiches at the local deli or running a Fortune 500 company. You reach for those dreams. Never let someone make you think your dreams are too small. For the only dream that is too small is the dream we never dream at all.

You’ve grown into such a sweet, caring little boy. I don’t know how I got so lucky to be your mommy, but I thank my lucky stars every single day that you’re mine.

(Twenty minutes later.)

There is one lone little tire swing under a big oak tree. I never understood why it was there. It sticks out like a sore thumb against all this updated playground equipment. But you love that tire swing. You have to swing on it every time we come. “But Mommy, everyone else ignores it. I don’t know why. It’s my favorite,” you always say. You have such a big heart. You even care about inanimate objects.

I hope one day my heart grows as big as yours. Even a portion would do.

I’ve had such an amazing day with you. The park has always been my favorite place to go with you. It’s simple, yet brings you the greatest joy.

You bring me the greatest joy.

I love you, Phoenix.

Your heart is my heart. Your home is my home.

Love always, Mommy.

As soon as I say the last sentence, I feel movement. Charlie’s hand jerks.

My heart stops.

The monitors go crazy.

Nurses and doctors rush in.

They push me outside before the curtains close.

Charlie’s mom walks down the ICU corridor towards me. But I can’t speak. I don’t have to. It’s written all over my face.

Did I just lose her?