Remembering Yesterday (6 page)

Chapter Seven

Ava stood on the doorstep of her parents’ mansion. Leaving the comfort of the ranch house had been painful. She had seen the questions in Devlin’s eyes, and she had hardly known what to say. He was an amazing guy. The hardest thing was the memories. They kept creeping in at unexpected moments, and a surge of intense love would fill her. It scared her. Those kinds of feelings were of a time and a life she still didn’t fully remember. A time she might never fully regain.

It was hard for her to describe the fear that filled her whenever she thought of those missing months. The dreams of the car crash, the feeling of being trapped in a black well of doubt, with no way out . . .

Before she’d left, he had asked her out, to the diner, to talk. Even if it had meant just rekindling a friendship. She had told him that she would think about it, and his eyes had shuttered. She knew it was because he thought she still wanted to keep their relationship hidden, but she had been unable to voice what she was thinking; she only knew that she needed to see her parents first.

Ava took a calming breath, then twisted the key and entered the foyer. It was a bit of a surprise that her mother and father did not rush outside when they heard her pulling into the driveway. Her mother would know that Ava had not slept in her bed. She’d checked in every morning since Ava’s release from the hospital, and this morning would have been no different.

Ava glanced at the hall clock. It was almost two in the afternoon.

She stepped into the living room and halted when she saw her parents sitting with Patrick. They had yet to see her as all their attentions were on Patrick. His blond head was bent, his elbows resting on his knees and shoulders tensed. He was dressed in well pressed khaki slacks with a button down shirt. He was handsome, rich, and studying for his bar exams. She searched her heart and body and she felt nothing for him beyond friendship.

She moved further into the room. “Hello.”

Her father surged to his feet. “Where have you been, young lady? And do not say at Willow’s, because your mother went over there when she saw your note this morning.” He was a big man and full of bluster, his face was heavy and his cheeks were reddening with temper.

Her mother twisted her hands in agitation and all the anger and pain that had been building inside of Ava eased. She had been wondering how to confront them. To let them known she was aware they had lied to her, without knowing she had been with Devlin. She had wanted to avoid the arguments, the possible recriminations. While she had no clue if she wanted a future with Devlin, it hurt her that she was still thinking of hiding that she had been with him.

But she was not going to do it anymore. “I was with Devlin Calhoun.”

The silence was profound.

“What?” her father roared.

She walked over to Patrick, ignoring her father. It was one of the hardest things she had ever done. Her father was larger than life, and he was one of the most important people in
her
life. Without looking at her mother, she sank onto the sofa opposite Patrick.

“I’m sorry, Patrick. When I had my attack at the diner, it was because of memories I had of Devlin. I wanted to understand, but I could see that mom and dad would not be honest with me. So I went to him.”

Her mother drew in a sharp breath.

Patrick reached for her hands and clasped them in his. “Sweetheart, why didn’t you tell us you had memories of him? I am sure if Marjorie and Donald knew, they would have said something.” He glanced at her parents, who nodded in confirmation, but now both looked guilty.

Liars!

Ava pulled her hands from his and gave him a soft smile to take away the sting. “They wouldn’t have.” She twisted so that she could see her parents as well, fighting the blush trying to climb her cheeks. “They were memories of us . . . together . . . as lovers.”

Her mother’s eyes widened in horror and her father snarled under his breath, but Ava continued. “They were mental snapshots—of us laughing together. Riding his motorbike together, having lunch, swimming at the lake. Memories of watching Devlin in his workshop as he worked on one of his designs, of him watching me churn out my stories on his old typewriter. They were memories of me being happy, unlike any other time in my life.”

Tears slid down her face and she wiped them away angrily. Now was not the time to be crying. She had shed enough tears for the last few months. “You knew why I was on the road to Cedar Bluff, Dad. I would never have left town without telling you where I was going. You knew I was leaving town with Devlin that I was choosing him, and yet you said nothing when I asked. You
lied
to me, over and over, and I have been so desperate for answers.” The accusation was out and now it was her parents turn to feel embarrassed. She could see the emotions flicker over their faces, guilt, embarrassment, discomfort.

Her father raked his hands over his face wearily and sat down heavily beside her mother.

“Have you remembered everything, pumpkin?”

Ava shook her head. “No, I haven’t. Not completely. I only have these fleeting snapshots of the time I was with Devlin. Nothing about the rest of the year.”

Her father nodded. “The Calhoun boy just isn’t good enough for you, pumpkin.”

“You don’t know him, Dad.”

“I knew enough. Always out of school. He dropped out of college, he was always getting into trouble. He has tattoos.”

“He was only out of school when he had to take care of his dad.” Suddenly she knew they had a similar conversation before. It felt too familiar. “And
I
have a tattoo.”

“Don’t remind me,” her father growled.

“You have a tattoo?” Patrick snapped, pushing to his feet.

Ava glanced at him and almost laughed at his comical expression. “I do.”

He blinked as if he had never seen her before, and she knew it would be all over town by sundown that the Kane princess had a tattoo.

Her father slashed his hands in the air. “None of that matters. You said you were leaving. To go to him that you loved him. You were only twenty-two, Ava. You understood nothing of love, of the real life out there. How would he have provided for you? He was only a few months older than you and a college dropout. What could he have offered my daughter?”

“He loved me, Dad.”

Her father grimaced. “You had never defied me before, but you did that day. You left and I can only assume that, in your haste to get to him, you ran off the road. We will never know how you crashed until you regain your memory. Your mother and I were very relieved when you woke and remembered nothing about him. We thought it was best to not mention him.”

Ava rose to her feet and looked down on him, anger pouring over her in waves. “In whose best interest was it, Dad? You should have treated me like an adult. You should have allowed me to make my own decisions. Has it never occurred to you Devlin might ever return to Benton? He did. And the first time I saw him, it was as if something inside of me came
alive!
I thought I was mad to be having those images of him and me together. And when I asked you . . . You lied to me
again
.”

He surged to his feet and she tilted her neck to meet his stare.

“I do not regret keeping the truth from you, young lady. And I am damned glad you did not remember the man who only wanted to take you from a life of comfort to subpar living.”

She stumbled back from him.

“Donald!” her mother said sharply, before turning a gaze filled with compassion toward Ava. “Your father did not mean that. There are no circumstances that exist where we would rejoice in your loss of memory, sweetheart.”

Ava shook her head, her heart aching. “I spent the night at his ranch. He is amazing. He makes me happy, I may not remember it fully but it is there, bubbling inside of me to come out. When I went to his ranch I felt at home, Mom. At
home
. I couldn’t remember him, but I was at peace.”

She glanced at Patrick. His face was schooled into an expressionless mask, but she could see the anger in his eyes. “Forgive me, Patrick.”

Her mother nodded to her father, and with a heavy sigh and obvious reluctance, Dad spoke. “We were going to make some brunch. You mother and I will continue on into the kitchen to give you and Patrick some privacy. I am sure he has questions.”

Her father gave her a stern glare. “I expect you to be smart with your answers, young lady.”

Be smart.
She heard what he didn’t say. He expected her to beg Patrick for forgiveness and move forward with him.

Her parents went into the kitchen. Patrick wasted no time. He rounded on her, his blue eyes darkening with some emotions she was unable to identify. “Did you sleep with him?”

Ava glared at him. Was he not concerned with anything else? Her heart softened. While they barely had any connection between them, they had still dated casually for months. “I . . . Yes.”

He stared at her for endless seconds, the anger slowly dimming. He lowered himself into the sofa beside her. “I think that was to be expected. You were confused and hurt, and then you had memories of being his lover. We will move past it.”

Ava doubted she heard him correctly. They would
move past it?
He seemed so unaffected at the thought of her in another man’s arms. How could he think they had anything of meaning between them?

“Are you even a little upset that I spent the night with Devlin?”

Patrick gave her an affronted look. “Of course not. He is nobody.”

She was stupefied. So, if she had slept with someone of stature, he would have been angry? She knew that Patrick had always walked around with airs and a sense of entitlement, but he had still managed to shock her. She leaned in closer toward him, so she could peer into his eyes. She wanted nothing of his expression hidden. “Do you love me, Patrick?”

He threw her a startled look, then clasped her hands between his. “I feel affection for you, Ava. You are beautiful, kind, and sweet. My father thinks it is a good idea for you to join our family. I think so, too. In time, I am sure we will feel more for each other.”

“I see.” She pulled her hands from his, her mind churning.
This
was the man her parents approved of. And yet…acting on impulse, she pressed her lips to his. At first, his lips parted in surprise, but quickly he responded, kissing her back with enthusiasm.

Ava felt nothing.

When he slid his tongue in her mouth, she drew back. There was no fire, no desire, only a sense that she may have just betrayed Devlin. She gritted her teeth. “I don’t think we should date anymore, Patrick. I’m not even sure if we were dating before. We have only been out a handful of times, and this was our
third
kiss in six months. I know you don’t desire me, not the way it matters, and I don’t desire you. It would be a mistake to keep searching for something that isn’t there,” she said gently, still not wanting to hurt him.

He lurched to his feet, raking fingers through his well-groomed hair, tousling the strands. “Does this have to do with Calhoun?”

“No it has to do with
me
.”

He gave her a look of patent disbelief. “You do know my father is the mayor . . . and Calhoun is a—”

“If you are going to disparage Devlin, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Are you defending him?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t even remember him! He is nothing, Ava. He has no money, his father was a joke, his brother—”

“It would be best if you leave.”

His face flushed. “Are you going to date him?”

Ava stood. “I don’t know. At this moment, I would say no.”

Patrick was visibly relieved, but all Ava could feel was disgust. He asked her nothing about her memories, or even when she and Devlin had been together. Patrick only cared that she wouldn’t date Devlin.

“Goodbye, Patrick.” She started walking away.

“Ava. Wait.”

She halted, and slowly turned around.

He strolled to her, cupping her cheeks. “I will give you some time. A few weeks, and then we should talk again. I—”

“No,” she rebutted softly, pulling from his embrace.

His eyes narrowed at her refusal. “Your parents and mine—”

“I don’t give a damn what either of our parents want. You don’t love me, and I don’t love you. There is nothing more to discuss. Whatever we had . . . it’s over.”

He lowered his hand from her cheeks. “I thought we were friends,” he said through stiff lips.

“I thought so, but here you are pushing for something between us when you know you have no interest in me that way, and I have none for you either. Why? Because it is what our parents want? What about what we want?” She poked his chest. “What about what you want?”

He thrust his fingers into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “You’re the prettiest girl in town,” he murmured with one of his most charming smiles. “And the most interesting.”

Ava snorted and he smiled, but she could see the strain behind it.

“Will you walk with me at the founder’s day barbeque?”

Barbecue
? “Oh. I’d forgot.”

“You forgot the town annual founders’ day barbecue and picnic? It is only a fortnight away. That must have been some night with the Calhoun boy,” Patrick sniped.

Without answering she walked away with rapid strides, and ran up the stairs to her room.

Chapter Eight

The weather had been unseasonably cold that year and the late snowfall had lingered. On the Saturday of founder’s day, the weather had changed completely, the snow had vanished and there was glorious sunshine. Benton’s ten acre park was one of the town’s pride and joys. Well preserved and normally it would be bursting with flowers, but the flowers had made a burst to catch up and although not blooming in their usual numbers were definitely trying their best. The park’s rolling lawns had been freshly mowed and had dried with a fortnight of decent weather. The park was the location where almost all of the town’s celebrations were held, from Memorial Day, St. Paddy, and even Christmas celebrations. Today the sun blazed bright and wonderful in the sky, laughter filled the park grounds as the townsfolks came out in their finery for the yearly founders’ day barbecue. There had been talks of hosting the honourable event at the Town Hall if the snow had not melted, but spring had arrived in time, and the town had signed a collective breath of relief, although they could crowd into the huge marquee if the weather should prove capricious.

Smells of chicken, beef, and pork roasting on the pits floated on the air and Ava mouth watered. Already burgers and hot dogs were being distributed to a queue of towns’ people who all seemed to be having a thoroughly good time. Within the marquee would be cakes, pies and salads set out on the trestle tables. Pots of chilli were bubbling in the background to be served after the fireworks. Children ran and shrieked playing tag or throwing balls and frisbees between them. There would be fireworks as soon as it was properly dark. But for now good old country songs blasted from a speaker by the main tent, and a boarded floor had been set up where couples were square dancing. Ava hummed, trying to find joy in the occasion. Inside her heart was heavy and she ached for Devlin. It had been a fortnight since she had left the ranch, and every time she took out her phone to call him she had experienced an attack of nerves. She had been trying to sort out her thoughts and piecing together the memories which had been trickling back into her consciousness.

Silly
.

“Hey, girl.”

With a grin she turned and spied Willow walking toward her. Willow had been her best friend from middle grade, despite her parents’ objection. Ava would have thought after almost sixteen years of friendship, her mother would have stopped turning up her nose at Willow’s appearance. She was not wild as Ava mother like to imply. Though she had tattoos, Willow was tame as she liked to say, and had a non-existent love life. She worked at a centre with a program to help newly released inmates rehabilitate into society. Ava thought her friend was far too caring to be so comfortable around some of the most dangerous men to pass through Pennsylvania, but Willow was passionate about her charity work, certain in her belief that no matter how dangerous the state said they were, they deserved a chance to earn a living as much as anyone else. She tutored ex-cons, helping them fill out job applications and advising them on how to behave at job interviews.

“Hey Willow, is that a new tat?”

She grinned, tossing her shoulder length ebony hair, revealing a trail of studded stars on her collar bone, above the scooped neck of her skin tight t-shirt. “I got it a few days ago, do you like?”

Ava peered closer. “I love.”

They linked hands together, walking toward the lake.

“So how did it go?” Willow asked, wasting no time getting to the heart of the matter.

A lump grew in Ava’s throat. “Good.”

Bright blue eyes glared at her. “Come on, you’re not going to leave me hanging like that. First you did not want to talk over the phone, and now you are playing even dumber.”

They reached the edge of the lake and halted, staring out at the tranquil beauty of the water. “I had sex with him.”

Willow whooped and Ava elbowed her playfully. “Shut up.”

Her friend grinned. “Was it good?”

Ava nodded.

“Deets!”

A blush climbing her neck she answered, “It was so good, I can still feel him.”

Willow’s eyes widened. “That good, huh?” Then with a cheeky grin she asked, “Was it as dirty as you remembered?”

“Yeah, and I cannot stop thinking about him, and not the sex either, but just how good I felt being with him, you know?”

“I know,” Willow said softly with shadows in her eyes.

Concern lurched through Ava. “Are you okay? We missed our weekly girls’ pow wow recently.”

Willow licked her lips. “He…Matthias is being released three weeks from today.”

Ava froze. Devlin’s brother was being released? She grabbed Willow’s hand. “How do you feel?” There had been a huge scandal in the town years ago when Matthias had attacked Willow’s uncle, the trial afterwards, Matt’s conviction, and Willow’s uncle walking away unprosecuted had been bandied about for months.

Willow tipped her head to the sky a frown on her face. “I…I do not know. We have not spoken since he was taken away. I…I’m a mess. I ache to see him, but I also hate him for refusing to see me, for sending back all of my letters. But then I realize he must have the greater hate, because of me he has been locked away for
ten years
.”

“It was because he loved you that he did what he did for you. I’m sure he does not regret it.”

Willow lowered her eyes to Ava and the wealth of pain, fear and hope in her friend’ eyes gutted her. “Do you believe so?”

“I am damn sure of it.”

Willow smiled. “I have my own plans to march over to wherever he will be staying and demand an answer, and maybe I hope you and I have the same outcome. Sex.”

“Willow!”

She laughed, and Ava was glad to hear it. Willow sobered, a half smile still on her lips. “Your man is here.”

Ava mind blanked for precious seconds. “Devlin?”

“Yes, and your parents are giving him the death glare.” Then with a wink, Willow walked away.

Ava spun around and he was almost upon her. Her heart was roaring in her ear and hammering in her chest. Several town folks threw them curious looks, and a few even paused and stared. Of course, it would be unusual for them to see a Kane with a Calhoun.

“Hi,” she said.

He stuffed his hands into the pocket of his jeans, and his lips twitched. “Should I walk away?” he asked frankly. Intense green eyes weighed her expression, waiting for her answer.

“Ava, sweetheart!” Her mother hurried to her, a pinched look on her face, the summer dress flapping around her ankles in her haste.

Acting on impulse she moved closer to him. “Dance with me.”

Surprise widened his eyes. “Your mother is about to reach us.”

“Then let’s run.”

With a grin, she grabbed his hand and dragged him away, trying to run while pulling his weight. She ignored the cry of her name and the startled faces of the townsfolks.

Devlin spun her around forcing her to a halt.

“What?”

He kissed her. She pulled away, her heart pounding. “Why did you do that?”

“Maybe I wanted to see what you would do.”

She swallowed.

“It’s Devlin Calhoun, the middle boy
.”

“
Why is he with the Kane girl?
”

His eyes became even more shadowed at the few whispers that reached their ears and Ava knew it would only get worse. She leaned in and kissed him. His smiled against her lips and she knew the scandal they were creating but she did not care. “Dance with me,” she murmured.

“Gladly.”

“But not here.”

He stiffened.

“Atop the water tank, overlooking the park and the barbecue. We’ll be able to hear the music from there.”

“As you wish,” he murmured, nipping at her bottom lip.

She laughed. “Really?
Princess Bride
.”

“Yeah, you made me watched it at least four times.”

“If my memory serves me right, you were the one to slip in the disk the last time we watched it.”

They strolled away from the park and the merriment toward the massive water tank erected in a section of the park.

“You are recalling bits and pieces.”

“I am.”

“I’m glad.”

They strolled the rest of the way in silence, then they climbed the rungs, all one hundred and fifty to the top. He helped her up and she was panting slightly but he wasn’t even winded. “Here we are.”

He held her from behind, his chin atop her head. She could feel that he had questions but he remained silent and she was grateful for it, for she had no answers. Whenever she was near him, she acted so out of character. Or was this truly her? “I am not ashamed to be seen with you,” she said softly. “But my parents are at the Barbecue and I did not want to flaunt you in their faces, when they still do not accept or understand what I feel for you.”

His arms tightened around her waist.

“They were very angry with me when I returned home, and Dad hardly speaks with me.”

He started to rock with her, and she relaxed into his comforting frame, humming along to the country song wishing they could stay like this forever.

***

Several hours after the barbecue ended, there was a soft knock on Ava’s door. She glance up at the clock, 5 a.m., she thought everyone else would be fast asleep. Before she could bid anyone to enter, the door opened and her mother peeked in. For the first time, her mother’s blonde hair was in disarray.

“May I come in?”

Ava rolled from her bed and sat up. “Yes.” She pushed aside the notepad on which she had been outlining another story. She ensured the details on the back page was not visible. On that side was a plan on how she would spend the hefty advance she was to receive from her publisher in two weeks’ time, namely getting her own place in town. Mrs. Burton was renting the apartments above her pool house and Ava intended to approach her about a lease. She loved her parents, but it was time to be a bit more independent.

“What is it, mom?” Although she had a fair idea. When she had returned to the barbecue after disappearing with Devlin atop the tank for almost an hour, she had been met with a chilly reception from her parents and many curious and bold questions from the sheriff, her former teacher, and the town’s veterinarian. All of which she had sidestepped to their dissatisfaction.

“You know, your father loves you, Ava.”

She sighed. “I know, Mom.”

“You shamed him tonight.”

“I did nothing of the sort. I simply spoke and danced with Devlin.”

“A man he does not approve of.”

“
I
approve of Dev, Mom. He is not unworthy because he had to work hard to get where he is today. That makes him more admirable. I am not a child to be led and directed where you or father wants. You both lied to me, and even now seek to control who I love.”

Her mother sat beside her on the bed, considering her. “Patrick told us you broke it off. He’s very upset about it.”

“I don’t love him. He is more like a . . . friend.”

“Ava, you are young—”

“I’ve been dating Patrick for six months and we’ve only kissed a few times. I saw Devlin for the first time a fortnight ago in months, and without my full memory of him, I slept with him.”

“Oh, honey,” her mother said on a soft sigh. “Is that why you’ve been crying?”

Ava winced. If her mother had noticed then it did not say much for the success of scrubbing her face with cold water. “I
like
him. I hardly remember Devlin, but I want to be with him. Even now, all I can think about is being at the ranch house with him, getting to know him better. I want to explore what we have without you or Dad fighting me. Did you know he’d asked me to marry him? And I’d said yes. I was leaving town to be with him. . .” her voice broke and she bit down on her lip, hard.

Her mother tugged her closer. “We knew. When you were leaving, you told us you were going to marry him. You had seemed so sure, and I knew you really loved him, honey. Your father and I are only concerned. Your father may be a bit brusque and seems rather cruel at times, but it is from love, Ava. We don’t really know your Devlin. But he has made a name for himself with his furniture design. He was even in the papers.”

Ava looked at her in shock. “When?”

Her mother grimaced. “A few weeks ago. Several of his desks and a chair have been showcased in Boston and New York. Whenever he was mentioned, I ensured you didn’t see the papers.”

Ava stared at her in disbelief. “Oh, Mom! How
could
you? Over a year has passed. I don’t even know, if you had told me then, whether I would have tried to find him. I had no memory of where he was heading. I don’t know if I would have tracked him down through the papers. I only know that I’m angry with you and dad. At a time when I needed your support, you lied to me continually. Even now dad seems more concerned to make sure that I will not be with Devlin, instead of wishing me to pursue what makes me happy.”

“I am sorry sweetheart, of course we are concerned with your happiness. After all the pain I have seen you battled these months, I would do anything to see a glimmer of the joyful young girl you were before the accident.” Her mother swallowed, tears glistening in her eyes. “I saw a bit of it when you spoke of Devlin earlier. I saw it more when you stood by the lake. The happiness in your face when you looked up at him…We should never have kept him a secret from you.”

Some of the angry tension leaked from Ava. “Thank you, Mom.”

Her mother gave her a wobbly smile. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I’m confused about whether I should try and explore what Devlin and I have.”

“Why are you confused?”

“I feel so lost without the missing pieces of my memory. I don’t like to talk about it, but the worry is there. What if the girl Devlin fell in love with isn’t me anymore? I only have small pieces of us together, and the whole picture may never come back.”

“How did you feel being with him last night? Be honest with yourself, Ava. And there you will find your answer.”

Ava shifted through her recent time with Devlin. She thought of him without the snapshots of memory, without the emotions of the past or the uncertainty of t
he future. She only thought of the ranch night. The morning which followed. Yesterday at the barbecue dancing slowly atop the tank and kissing. And sweet relief crashed into her. “I felt
whole
. I felt complete. It should make no sense, but that is how I felt.” A rush of need and excitement roared inside of her, obliterating all doubts. “I am going to him. I don’t want to hurt Dad, but I am going to Devlin.”