Renegade T.M. (31 page)

Certain death door

Pete sat on the wall that surrounded the top floor of the car park and contemplated his life to date.

“
What have I done with my life? I mean, you know, really done. I went to school with friends who are now doctors and lawyers
,
“
stupid Kev
”
is now an accountant, and last I heard
“
dizzy Debs
”
is now a member of parliament! And what do I do? Sell bill boards. Not even the boards themselves, but the base slogans and depressed brand identities that we’re all meant to care about! My life is less meaningful than last
yea
r’s must-have crisp packet! Why do I even bother? My girlfriend hates me, I’ve nowhere to live, and my car’s just exploded, just when I thought we’d finally bonded! I mean, maybe I should just end it all, right here, right now, just toss myself gaily from this wall and plummet happily to my death below, spread all over the streets of
Sutton
. I mean what’s really stopping me
?”

He paused as though waiting for some divine intervention, some beautiful reminder of the absolute sanctity of life, a perfect moment that would waft into vision and dispel all his feelings of gloom. A heron flew directly above him, and shat on his head.

“
Oh so that’s how it is huh?
!”
h
e shouted at the universe as though the universe was listening and might therefore sympathise, (in actuality the universe was in still in bed, having stayed up all night contemplating itself).

“
Okay, you’ve asked for this
!”
h
e declared, getting up to stand precariously on the not widest of walls that surrounded the very top floor of the car park.

“
Before I die
,”
he began defiantly
,
“
I want to make it perfectly clear, that I do this not out of spite, but instead with the concrete understanding that the universe is sick, fundamentally and in essence, ill. I have therefore decided to take my own life, with the hope that these last words will echo through the ages
.”

Pete cleared his throat in order to deliver his epic farewell, and in doing so, slipped on a lose brick he was perched on. As he fell regretfully to his death, seven stories below, all he could hear was a disturbed giggle, which he wrong
ly
assumed originated from his old foe, the universe.

“
I have the sacred shears of Salamaloo
!”
de
clared
Pierre
, holding aloft
the gardening tool as if
it was the Holy Grail itself,
“
and I’m not afraid to use them
!”

“
Who’s this joker?
!”
g
rowled Ben
,
“
think I’ll call you pudding
!”

“
This is the guy who murdered me in cold blood
!”
s
aid Fendel, remembering the sudden knife thrust and shuddering noticeably at the thought.

“
I only did what was necessary mon ami
,”
he replied seemingly in earnest
,
“
it was necessary for you to die, in order for you to die again, so that you could die again, and then be reborn, see
?”

“
No
,”
said Fendel
,
“
that’s about as clear as a steam room full of chain smokers on a particularly misty morning in a cloud
!”

“
Now, now
,”
replied
Pierre
in his best softly
,
softly
,
catchy monkey voice
,
“
there’s no need to hold grudges, I only murdered you so that you could be reborn
.”

“
But I was already born, why did I have to be reborn
?”

“
So you could get the shears from Hupa Hool
.”

“
But I didn’t, you did
!”

“
Yes, well I was getting to that
,”
responded the Frenchman
,
“
I have endeavoured to keep tabs on your progress here in the after-afterlife, and it became a
bundantly apparent after a rotation
or so, that you were hopelessly and comprehensively, ill-suited to the task. If your success rate could be measured in decibels, I would liken it then to the muffled cough of an asthmatic ant at the Artists on Absinthe after party
.”

“
Right
,”
agreed Fendel, accepting the analogy quite readily.

“
I have therefore decided to pitch in myself, in the hope that we can get things moving along a little quicker
,”
explained
Pierre
further
.

“
My shears
!”
e
xclaimed Slip
,
“
but how did you find them?
!”

“
They were in the shed, hanging up next to a trowel
,”
he replied quite unremarkably.

“
Curse your magnificent genius, I was sure no one could find them there
!”

“
Yeah
, way to go Slip,
”
put in Crinkle sarcastically
,
“h
ide the gardening shears in the garden shed, foolproof
!”

“
Aren’t we forgetting something
,”
said Pete
,
“
big angry shark about to eat us
!”

“
Leave that to me
,”
declared
Pierre
, readying the shears as he spoke
,
“
prepare to meet thy maker
!”

As
Pierre
unleashed a magical space-time altering barrage from the sacred shears, Fendel found just enough time to leap at his legs, causing the Frenchman to topple over, and altering the shear’s beam so that is flew harmlessly over the shark’s fin.

“
If anyone’s going to be killing anyone around here
,”
declared Fendel
,
“
it’s going to me, not
Pierre
!”

“
My father was called
Pierre
!”
a
nnounced Ben all of a sudden, seemingly on the verge of yet another traumatic episode.

“
Alas my fine finned friend
,”
replied the Frenchman
,
“
my son was taken from me when he was just a little boy, his name was Ben, and he was certainly not a shark like you
.”

“
But my name is Ben
!”
he said
quite startled
,
“
and I am not a shark at all! My father left to go and fight against the Co-leen on Krassis, all that I have of him now, is this photo here
.”

The shark reached inside his designer monkey skin man-bag and retrieved a crumpled-up photograph which he handed to
Pierre
.

“
Zut alors!
”
Pierre
declared
,
“
that is me! Then your mother must be…
“

“
So fat that she has to wear a
“
warning wide load
”
sticker across her enormous back, which underneath someone has scrawled my other muther is a Porsche
!”
i
nterjected Pete, without fully understanding why.

“
Erm, no actually
,”
replied
Pierre
calmly
,
“
your mother must be Giselle
.”

“
Yes that’s right
!”
Ben almost shouted
,
“
but she gave me up when a was only a baby
.”

“
Then you are my son
,”
said the Frenchman slowly, the full ramifications dawning on him
,
“
and from this day forth, I swear to be a proper fa
ther to you, I will be the Papa
you never had
.”

“
I love you Daddy
,”
said Ben swimming toward his newly found father.

“
And I you, but I do not think this angry shark appearance will suit at all
,”
he said, aiming the shears at his son
,
“
this may smart
a little
.”

That said,
Pierre
unleashed the shears on the shark, and once the smoke had cleared, in its place stood a small human boy, a boy with big bright eyes and a smile that would warm even the coldest cockles.

“
Papa
!”
y
elled Ben, hugging his father.

“
But you’re a robot
!”
put in Fendel
,
“
how can you be his father
?”

“
No
,
no
,”
he replied
,
“
I am human, the mechanical parts of which you speak are the result of endless battles on Krassis, in the which the Co-leen managed to remove me from some of my favourite limbs! On the other hand, they do allow me to conceal some valuable items
.”

Pierre
then opened the door in his stomach, the same door from which he had retrieved the knife which he used to murder Fendel many moons ago, and then placing the sacred shears of Salamaloo in what was essentially his stomach, he then closed the door again without a moment’s hesitation.

“
I’ll keep hold of these shall I
?
”
he asked rhetorically.

“
My shears
!”
w
ailed Slip
,
“
but how do you expect us to live without them
!”

“
I don’t
,”
replied
Pierre
sharply
,
“
now Fendel, where were you exactly
?”

“
About here
,”
he replied levelling his harpoon gun to Slip’s head again
,
“
any last words
?”

“
Have you got a cigarette
?”
a
sked Slip.

“
I do
,”
Fendel answered, tugging the trigger and releasing a harpoon that lodged itself satisfyingly in Slip’s skull
,
“
but those things will kill you
.”

“
You killed him
!”
s
houted Crinkle, more out of fear than out of observational prowess.

“
Don’t worry, he’ll wake up where he should be, with your Fendel onboard the Humdinger
,”
said Fendel reassuringly.

“
You’re nuts
!”

“
Now it’s your turn Pete
,”
he said, aiming the self-loading weapon at him
,
“
last words
?”

“
I’d just lik
e to say a few words if I may?”

“
Beautiful
,”
remarked Fendel, firing a second harpoon into Pete’s chest, killing him instantly.

“
One more Fendel
,”
said
Pierre
, looking at his watch.

“
Okay Crinks, your turn
,”
he declared, making his final aim of the day
,
“
before I release you, can I suggest that when you’re back in your version of reality, you set course for a particularly nondescript planet called Earth in the Milky Way, and look up one Pete Martin. He will remarkably resemble the fish I just killed, but look nothing at all like a fish, understood
?”

“
No
.”

“
Fantastic
,”
he said, pulling the trigger and releasing Crinkle from the Hupa Hool
fantasy.

“
How about you two
?”
h
e went on turning to
Pierre
and Ben.

“
Thanks but I’ve booked a taxi
,”
Pierre
replied nonchalantly
,
“
now shouldn’t you be going? It’s fair to say that your Renegade gang have not been fairing well without you, you may already be too late
!”

“
What do you mean
?”
he asked aghast.

“
Let’s just say that Dinkle Mormid has them just where he wants them
!”

“
That sick freak
!”
s
aid Fendel placing the harpoon gun to his own head
,
“
those guys would have perished long ago if it weren’t for me
!”

“
Well off you go then, bon chance
!”
s
aid
Pierre
waving farewell.

So it was down to Fendel again to save the day. It was apparently not enough that he had already saved the Ren
egade gang of a different dimension
, it was now his responsibility to save his own gang, even though his was in the after-afterlife of Hupa Hool, and already dead twice over! As he pulled the trigger and took his own life (again), he decided that later that day he would be talking to Slip about a pay rise.

As it just so happened, in another part of the famed after-afterlife of Hupa Hool, a giant caterpillar sat on equally large mushroom, smoking a pipe and looking genuinely fed-up. The caterpillar looked up as if someone was addressing him, and said aloud to whoever might listen:

“Well, there’s always the sequel!”