Renegade T.M. (9 page)

“
Yeah
come on guys, let's do them some real damage
.”

“
Oh, and if there are any of you insect-minded, facially-challenged Co-leen creeps listening, which I know there are, this one's for you; it's an anthem from my old oozeball days, it's Fearfactor with
“
Come and have a go if you think you're superior enough
”
.”

The Humdinger sped across space and arrived at Krassis in little more than a blink of a Yashtee moon. Entering orbit, the Renegade team were slightly put out to discover that they were utterly alone in their efforts to cream the Co-leen, and that their army consisted of the Humdinger crew, the Humdinger, and, oh, I already mentioned the Humdinger crew didn't I.

“
Well this is just the pits man
,”
moaned Slip
,
“
last time I ever do anyone a
favo
u
r
.”

“
Now come on Slip, we can still raise the resistance,
and the Co-leen will co-lapse,”
said Crinkl
e in an attempt to motivate him a little
.

“
Yeah
, you've got to look at the bigger picture
,”
Pete put in
,
“
my home's on the line here
.”

“
Well mine's just fine
,”
he replied
despondently, patting a wall of the Humdinger as he spoke.

“
Hey Slip
,”
began Fendel
,
“y
ou know what I heard the Co-leen say when I was imprisoned on their ship
.”

He
shrugged.

“
They said that Slip
McGroovy
was fat, really fat
.”

“
So
,”
he replied
, patting his round belly
,
“
I'm just big boned, that's all
.”

“
They said that Slip
McGroovy
was so fat
,
that he's restricted to outer space because of the enormous gravitation
al
pull he exerts
on matter
.”

“
Now that's a lie
,”
he stated seriously
, pulling up his trousers.

“
They then said that the music he plays sucks, they said it sucked so much that whenever they heard any, they were frequently forced to hold group decapitation sessions, where they beheaded one another in a desperate attempt to purge themselves of the vileness of your musical touch
.”

“
They're going down
!”
he growled angrily
.

“
Err
guys
,”
Crinkle int
er
r
upted
,
“
the Co-leen are coming
.”

“
Oh yeah r
ight
,”
Slip
remembered
, adopting his best serious face
,
“
take us down
!”

Pete pressed the button marked down.

Pete's first impressions of an alien world were, it has to be said, very
favorable
. Krassis was a giant, and by giant I mean planet
sized, waterslide park, and h
e was reminded of cheap holidays to the Med, with it's dodgy food and irregular sleeping patterns. Different hues of red, yellow, and blue blended together so that it was like looking into a giant box of
Lego
with your eyes slightly asquint. Everything was made of burning plastic, satisfyingly smooth, whilst at the same time, making it quite impossible to linger. All sorts and shapes of beings were running, floating, or simply
appearing around, each quite certain of which slide they intended to slide, and to this intergalactic chaos, there was a t
er
r
ifyingly Euro
-pop sounding tune, of which h
e was certain had been a huge hit in Germany.

They parked the Humdinger next to the slide of uncertainty, and making a mental note of this, got changed, grabbed towels, and went looking for an uprising.

“
Right what's the plan boss
?”
a
sked Fendel.

“
Dunno
,”
said Slip
,
“
let's ask this guy
.”

“
Hey buddy
,”
he
addressed the guy manning the slide of infinity
,
“
how do we get in touch with the resistance round here
?”

“
Hey man
,”
said the guy somewhat taken aback
,
“
you shouldn't be asking that
.”

“
Look Joe, you don't mind if I call you Joe right, good, me and my crew here really need to meet these..
.”

“
Cross your legs
!”
i
nt
e
r
r
upted Joe
, yelling at one of the kids
going down the slide.

Pete crossed his legs.

“
Don't be a foe Joe, just point us in the way
,”
appealed Slip in a sing song voice.

“
My name's Adam
.”

“
Sure thing baby, great name, just great
.”

“
How long's the slide
?”
Fendel asked Adam, with elements of both awe and anxiety apparent in his voice.

“
It's infinite, can't you read the sign
.”

“
Yeah
,”
he replied, seemingly lost to the lure of the interesting.

“
So bro', how about it
,”
resumed Slip.

“
You'll want Pi
er
r
e, he's the man you'll need to see
.”

“
Great
,”
said Slip, giving Adam a hefty slap on the back.

“
Sounds French
,”
mused Pete.

“
Sounds what
?”
all eyes now on him
.

“
Oh nothing
,”
he replied, uncrossing his legs with the
realization
he looked and sounded decidedly odd.

Fendel, unobserved, moved closer to the edge of the slide of infinity.

“
So Joe, how do we find
Pierre
?”
Slip Asked.

“
It's Adam
!”

“
What's Adam
?”

“
I'm Adam you idiot
!”

“
Course
,”
Slip sighed, rolling his eyes
,
“
but what about
Pierre
?”

“
Look
,”
began Adam
crossly
,
before yelling distractedly at the next slider “
cross your legs
!”

Slip crossed his legs.
Pete almost did, but checking
himself
just in time
, instead grinned maniacally to himself about his easy cool.

“
I don't know where
Pierre
is, but he's certainly not here, so please go away now
,”
Adam pleaded.

“
Sure Joe, no need to blow Joe, s
ee ya Joe
.”

Slip said goodbye and moved away with Pete and Crinkle.

“
Right gang
,”
rallied
Slip
,
“
let's split up and find this
Pierre
guy
.”

“
Pete, you go that way
,”
he
said pointing at a burger bar
,
“
me and Crinks will go this way
,”
he said pointing at a bolley v
all court
, “
and Fendel, you go, hold on, where's Fendel
?”

They all turned around just in time to watch Fendel plunge fully com
mitted down
the slide of infinity.

“
Well
,”
sighed Slip
,
“
I guess we won't be seeing him for a while
.”

“
Okay, let's do this, and whoever raises the resistance first, gets to attack the Co-leen first
,”
he cheered, evidently thinking
this
to be
a grand enticement.

“
T
er
r
ific
,”
said Pete sarcastically to himself as he wandered off
alone, in order
to find some
random resistance leader
called
Pierre
, “p
erhaps I'll get a burger
.”

“
What do you mean, you don't take MasterCard?
!”
w
ailed Pete, who had been attempting to buy a burger for the best part of an hour now.

“
Now look buddy
,”
began the burger bar employee, who had been pushed to his limits by Pete's incessant babble
,
“
I don't know why you're still here, or indeed why you persist in waving that little piece of plastic at me, but I promise you that you're never going to get a burger, and if you don't go away now, I'm calling security
.”

“
Fine
,”
he said
, giving up and skulking off
,
“
didn't want one of your stupid burgers anyway
,”
he added in a small voice.

This business had put him
in a rather despondent frame of mind, and as he moped along, his eyes
locked sulkily
on the ground in front of him, he started cursing everything he came across.

“
Stupid burger bar, stupid roller disco, stupid waterslide planet
!
”
he cursed
, thumping the side of a waterslide, causing a small shriek from within.

“
Stupid water dodgems, stupid tiny, ugly squid thing
!
”
he went on
, and
then
kicking the tiny, ugly squid thing, sent it flying some forty meters
over the roller disco
, so that it splash landed amid the water dodgems.

Now although this action had made Pete feel a little better, unknown to him was the fact that the tiny, ugly squid thing was actually the Esteemed President of the people of Frange
,
and holder of the cel
estial donkey orb of Poonta, who
was
currently holidaying on Krassis
with his wife an
d family. Had he have known, he may not have kicked the President as hard as he did, or at least would have filmed the whole thing on his phone.

“
Stupid slide of tomorrow, stupid slide of evolution
!
”

“
Now hang on
,”
he thought suddenly
, stopping dead in his tracks, intrigued by the possibilities of the slide of evolution.

“
I'll just have a quick look
,”
he decided, having completely forgotten about
Pierre
and the Co-leen resistance.

“
Hello, what's this do
?”
h
e asked the guy manning the slide of evolution.

“
You evolve, can't you read the sign
.”

“
Right
,”
he replied
, reaching the conclusion that everyone working on this planet was either very rude, or very stupid, or quite possibly both.

“
Well, it couldn't hurt
,”
he declared
, hurling himself down the slide of evolution.

“
Weeeeeeeee
!”
Pete screamed like a happy child, before reaching the conclusion that the happiness he was experiencing was but a mere illusion created and perpetuated by that ghost in the machine, the self.

“
I think, therefore I am
,”
he decidedly conclusively
.

“
E does equal MC squared
,”
he
realized
.

“
If God didn’t
exist, it would be necessary to invent him
,”
he declared simply, as though he had just completed a free paper Su
doku
puzzle.

It should be noted that Pete's barrage of insight went on for quite a good while, whereas my ability to record these insights somewhat floundered after he declared quite confidently that
“
vegetable ping happy
”
. Nevertheless, I am in a position
to report that by the time he had
r
eached the end of the slide, Pete
had become pure energy. He emerged a perfect sphere of white light, floating
serenely a couple of feet off
the ground; and with complete understanding of life, the universe and everythin
g, those who gazed on him found an instant
inner peace.

“
Right
,”
he began mightily
, contemplating as to whether he should create a trans-warp gate to travel back to the birth of time, or rather invent some kind of machine that turned water into wine.

“
Hang on
,”
he realized suddenly,
disappearing and then reappearing at the
same
burger bar he had only recently left
, “
now I'll get my burger
!
”

“
Give me a burger
!”
he
boomed, doing his best impression of how he imagined God would demand a burger.

At this, the burger bar employee, who had
belittled him but moments before
, fell to his knees and averted his eyes.

“
This is great
,”
thought Pete.

“
Give me a burger
!”
h
e boomed again, turning a few of the burgers to sand and causing the ground to quake a little.

“
Yes, yes anything
,”
the employee waile
d, holding out a burger for him with a
shaking hand.

“
Finally, this is going to be the business
,”
thought Pete
,
as he made the burger float into him.

“
What?
!”
he cried
aghast, as the burger made its way steadily into the middle of his ball of light, and remained floating there fully intact.

“
This is ridiculous
!
”
said Pete, who was now being laughed at by the very employee who had thought him a god just a moment ago.

“
Enough is enough
,”
he stated,
who vanishing, then reappeared at the slide of devolution.

“
Fancied a burger huh
?”
guessed the guy in charge of the slide of devolution.

“
See it everyday
,”
he added knowingly, as Pete launched himself down the slide.

“
E equals mc squared
,”
he began
,
“
where E is energy, m is mass, and c is,
er
, custard
?”
he ventured in the midst of his rapid devolution
,
“and why is it squared, and not circled, or triangled? Shapist physicists!
”

“
I think therefore
,”
he
paused to gather his
thoughts
, "
I
think therefore
,”
he repeated , desperately trying to discover exactly what he thought he thought.

“
Oh I don't know what I
think anymore
!”
h
e declared with certainty, for perhaps the first time that day, as he tumbled out from
the slide, returned to normal Pete-shaped
form again.

“
Ah well, not a complete loss
,”
he said
to himself, who reaching into his inside pocket, retrieved a water-drenched burger, and opening his mouth, bit deeply into it, with a relish that some might say was godlike.

***

“
Yeeeaaaaaaaaa
h
!!
!”
y
elled Fendel, who for the last
few cycles,
had been sliding down the slide of infinity.