Renegade T.M. (7 page)

Pete found this affront all rather difficult to take, and felt as if he had woken up having been unknowingly moved to the smart kids'
class. As a result of this, h
e discovered that before he had been given enough time to compose himself and re-evaluate the intellectual relationship that he
had with his foe, he had
interjected, with sadly misplaced optimism, the
defense
:

“
What about animal documentaries?
!”

This was answered with a two minute silence, in which Pete avoided eye contact by actually watching a hundred and twenty seconds pass on his watch.

“
Mr Martin, you and your planet must go, the charge against you and your race is that of being inferior, how do you plead
?”

Pete was beginning to lose hope, and imagined himself becoming more inferior by the second. In a last
desperate
bid he asked:

“
What about philosophy, science, and art
?”

But e
ven as he said this, h
e knew that the Co-leen already had some smart alec response
,
that would make him feel even worse about himself and his kind.

“
Well
,”
began the Co-leen,
as if rehearsing an introduction between Pete's neck and a guillotine
,
“
one of your most famous thinkers, one who indeed set the philosophical stone rolling, a Greek named Socrates, reached the most remarkable and revealing conclusion that all he knew
,
was that he knew nothing, and philosophers since have been arguing as to whether this knowing nothing is really an impediment to philosophy at all. Your science has put men on the big lump of rock circling your planet, where they put up a picture of stripes and stars and made it presumably what you Mr Martin snub
“
American
”
; it has also gone as far as creating devices that can open tins electronically,
as
well
as seeing to the death of millions of your race due to the scientific curiosity you hold with making things on your planet explode. And as for your art, it includes perhaps most famously a picture called the Mona Lisa, which it seems has transcended art due to the fact that it is no longer seen, but is instead flashed at with small hand-held contraptions by people who wish to prove that they were near it. Does this Mr Martin answer your question
?”

“
Yes
,”
he replied
in a small voice
,
“
thank you
.”

“
And, having taken into account all that we've discussed, do you, Mr Martin, still maintain that you are not an inferior species and totally unworthy of the attribute existence
?”

At this point
,
it must be mentioned that Pete was feeling about as low as a particularly low patch of low pressure which, having reached the bottom of the deepest valley anywhere in existence, discovered that the valley's bottom was actually false, and as a result, proceeded to go much lower.

“
Mr Martin, does humanity deserve life
?”
repeated the Co-leen
, becoming impatient.

He had
made up his mind, and raising himself from his chair
,
with the weight of the world upon
him, opened his mouth, and said
...

10 MINUTES EARLIER

Slip and Crinkle stole quietly onto the Co-leen fathership in another of the Humdinger's scout ships. Landing unobserved in one of the numerous docking bays, Slip then declared confidently:
“
Great, now we'll just go and collect him
.”

“
Slip
,”
began Crinkle.

“
Yeah
babe
.”

“
Isn't this all a little too easy
?”

“
What do you mean
,”
he replied,
sounding
a little hurt
,
“
it's going exactly as I planned. First we get onto the Co-leen ship undetected, then we pick up Fendel, and then we go home. It's only easy because of the thoroughness of the plan, I've thought of everything
,”
he finished,
feeling rather pleased with himself.

“
But Slip, what would you usually expect to find onboard a Co-leen ship
?”

“
Fendel babe
,”
he said
, finding the question a little stupid.

“
Yes
,”
she sighed, “
but wouldn't you expect to find the Co-leen as well
?”

“
Hmm,
yeah
I would expect that
,”
replied Slip, reaching the conclusion that something was indeed amiss.

“
Well, they're probably busy doing something
,”
he resumed, “
come on, let's go down here
.
”

A
nd that said, they set off down one of the many corridors, which in Slip's mind,
definitely
lead to where Fendel was.

Five minutes later they found themselves quite bewildering lost.

“
Slip, we're lost. This is hopeless, all these corridors look the same, I've no idea where we are, let alone Fendel
!
”

“
Don't worry babe, I know exactly where we are
,”
he
lied
,
“
look, this computer will tell us where Fendel is
,”
he said pushing buttons on a computer console that was built into the wall.

“
Are you sure you know what you're doing
?”

“
Sure thing baby, it's not rocket
surgery
.”

Slip was pushing buttons to the tune of an old Gee Bee's track he had in his head, and the computer did not appear to appreciate his choice of hit. It began to whir softly at first, before growing into a distinctly unpleasant buzz. It then started to beep quite intermittently, and Crinkle likened the beeps to what sounded like little shouts for help, and then, despairing cries to stop. The buzz grew into a crackle, the crackle into a fizz, and the fizz may well have grown into a plop, thud, or bang, had not the computer been on fire by then.

“
Slip
!”
c
ried Crinkle
,
“
it's going to..
.”

5 MINUTES EARLIER

“
Thanks again
,”
said the Co-leen officer, locking himself in the prison cell that Fendel had so graciously given him.

“
Oh don't mention it
,”
replied Fendel, waving his hand magnanimously as he left the Co-leen prison.

“
Now what
?”
he thought
, wandering down a corridor which he was certain would lead to something interesting.

Fendel's innate curiosity was constantly getting him into trouble, this however, did not conce
rn him in the least, and it was his considered opinion
that the immediacy of being imprisoned, killed, or worse, was just a part of
everyday
life
, and something
that
simply
happened to everyone
, everywhere. Before he
joined the Renegade team, he had simply explored space in search of the interesting,
and as a result, he
had
banked some really very fantastical stories
.
Anyone who heard one of hi
s pre-Renegade exploits, had an extremely tough time
believing him; even after he
would produce the irrefutable
evidence, contained in his holo—
albums, the person would maintain that
t
he
y
must be the butt of some
over-elaborate joke. On one of his ventures
, he picked up a small, pocket-sized time travel device from a Gorittz
,
on the technologically advanced planet of Wow. The Gorittz wanted such an astronomical sum for the device that Fendel would have had to sell everything he owned in order to pay it, the Gorittz maintained however, that he was simply covering his costs. Afte
r some heated discussion, he
persuaded the Gorritz to allow him a test drive, and went back in time to the point where the Gorritz had said he had bought it. He then sold the device to the Gorritz for a quite astronomical sum, and on the condition that he be allowed to use it one more time. Retur
ning to the then present, he then proceeded to buy
the time travel device from a rather confused Gorritz, who could not help but wonder why he had sold it to him in the first place. It is just this
type of scenario in which he
consistently found himself, and as he was musing over this
less than wonderful
fact, turning a corner, he suddenly came across Slip and Crinkle standing in front of a computer that was on fire.

“
Now, if I'm not mistaken
,”
he announced to no one in particular
,
“
that computer is going to..
.”

“
Yes or no Mr Martin, does humanity deserve life
?”

Pete made up his mind, and raising himself from his chair
,
with the weight of the world upon him, opened his mouth and said...

Suddenly, there was a massive explosion. Pete was thrown to the floor,
(
not for the first time that day
)
, and the wall behind him seemed to splinter away to nothing. A moment passed, and
when the smoke had cleared, h
e watched a beautiful,
(
if not somewhat short
)
, angel approach him from the recently created hole in the wall, who he assumed was going to lead him away to heaven.

“
Finally
,”
he sighed with relief, having
had gone through quite e
nough already that day, and
now altogether prepared to leave behind the
present
events
,
in which he had only recently become all too embroiled.

This reflection lasted only a second however, for behind Pete's angel, there appeared a giant, red-haired, scruffy-bearded, hippie.

“
Hello
,”
said Slip, sauntering his way towards Pete
,
“
anyone seen Fendel
?”

Now what happened next is rather difficult to relate. The Co-leen all started shouting and gesticulating furiously, Crinkle went over to look at Pete, who, for all his efforts, had fainted again, Slip sat himself down in the chair that Pete had only just vacated and began tapping its arm-rests to a tune he had in his head, and
finally,
Fendel appeared from the hole in the wall
,
looking totally at home in the chaos around him.

“
What is going on here
?
!
”
b
egan the Co-leen who had accosted Pete, when the commotion began to subside
,
“
who dares
to insult the Co-leen
this way
?
!
”

“
Slip
McGroovy
,”
said Slip, easing himself into his chair
, “
captain of the spaceship Humdinger, disc-jockey to the most listened to radio sta
tion in the universe, Renegade T
M, and all-round thoroughly decent chap. And this is my number two, Crinkle, and this is my expert in all matters complicated, Fendel
,”
he explained, indicating the
team with an exaggerated sweeping
arm movement
,
“
as for the unconscious fellow, I haven't a clue
.”

“
Err
Pete, Pete Martin
,”
responded Pete
,
recovering his wits.

“
Well then, now that we know who you are, let me introduce ourselves. We are the Co-leen, rulers of everything, and anything else we may have missed in the course of ruling everything, and along with being your rulers, today, we will also be your executioners
!
”

“
Now hold on a minute
,”
objected
Slip.

“
Perhaps I might say a few words
,”
int
e
r
r
upted Fendel, who had up until then been unusually quiet
, “y
ou wish to execute us, right
?”

“
Right
,”
agreed
the Co-leen.

“
But first you'd have to catch us
.”

“
What do you mean, we already have you
,”
replied the Co-leen.

“
But what if we were to run away
,”
he suggested
,
“
then you'd have to chase us
, right?
”

“
So
,”
remarked the Co-leen derisively.

“
Well then we'd all get tired,
wouldn't we?
We would all have to run and run and run, and then probably stop to catch our breath, before running some more. And then there might be a bit of hide and seek, where we would hide some place and you would have search the entire ship for us, and if you didn't find us the first time, then you'd have to start all over again and do the same tedious searching business a second time. Then what if you did find us
?”

“
O
o
h w
hat
?”
as
ked the Co-leen excitedly, as though
all his Christmas’s had come at once, (though it is very unlikely that the Co-leen celebrate this particular day, it must be said however, that he really was very excited).

“
You really want to know
,”
teased Fendel.

“
Yes, tell us
,”
cried the Co-leen with
a childlike joy
.

“
More running
,”
he answered
flatly.

“
No
,”
groaned the Co-leen
,
“
there must be a better way
?
!
”

“
There is
,”
he replied instantly
,
“
you let us go, and then, when we're safely on board our ship, having let our guard down, you swoop down on us, capture us unaware, and execute us
.”

“
I like it
,”
agreed the Co-leen
,
“
you'd never expect it
!
”

“
Not a chance
,”
put in Slip
, evidently keen to
be getting
on his way
,
“
well we really must be going now, so I'll see you guys, oh and don't try anything tricky
,”
he warned,
waving a
n accusing
finger at the Co-leen, who were tryin
g their very utmost to look innocent.

A
nd with that, the Renegade team left the building.

“
Wait up
,”
shouted Pete
, who scrambling after them, imagined that anything would have to be better than what had happened to him so far today.