Renegade T.M. (24 page)

We tugged hard on the shears, and…

And…

And…

Collective yellow; collective yellow; collective yellow; repeat ---

Collective yellow, collective yellow, collective yellow, begin end.

Tumbling over under over under over under tumbling --- reams of dreams --- reality remake, remade, sequel, prequel, stop – version ident, vision imprint, spool existence; 2+2=5 --- 2+2=5 --- 2+2=5 ---2+2=5 --- cue story…

And then…

When things were normal, Christophe sat very still. No longer was he the angry kid who wanted nothing other than my demise. Instead, Christophe was now a caterpillar. Now usually I would have laughed at this. As it turned out, I did not. Instead I just lay there. Instead I just lay there, dead.

“So there it is,” Ben finished, “they are my shears now, the tool that killed me is now the instrument that sustains me.”

“
But we only want to live
!”
b
egged Fendel and Crinkle in unison.

“
Well I think I can help you there
,”
he growled angrily
,
“
if by want
,
you mean gonna, and by live
,
you mean die
!”

“
Run Crinks
,”
shouted the Fendel creature
,
“
he’s going for the shears
!”

Sure enough, Ben produced from an innocent
looking
flower vase, the sacred shears of Salamaloo
. He had dropped his visor now
and raised himself to his full height, so that he
now
appeared
as
a really t
er
r
ifying sight, and not at all the kindly old man who was offering biscuits but moments ago. There was no way she could wrestle the shears fr
om those claws, so decided almost
instantly that she was going to leg it.

“
Don’t even think about it
!”
h
e yelled, and making two practiced snips in the air towards her, she suddenly found her legs had turned to jelly, quite literally to jelly.

“
Now that’s better
,”
he went on
,
“
I
really
must remember to get some
more
ice cream
.”

Crinkle lay in a puddle of her own gelatine legs. She remembered in her youth, that she had always taken an unhealthy joy in biting the limbs from jelly babies in a slow and methodical fashion, and decided that now she may be facing some comeuppance. As Ben approached, she noticed that one of the robotic hands had been altered and now resembled a giant desert spoon, and when his visor lifted again
to reveal his slobbering tongue and hungry eyes,
all she could
then
do
,
was scream.

“
I’m going to eat your legs young lady
,”
he said drooling, a maniacal glint in his eye.

“
Not if I can help it
,”
interjected the Fendel creature
,
who then leapt from her pocket and landed on his shoulder.

“
Get off me
!”
he shrieked, desperately trying to close his visor and protect his face.

“
Eat this
!”
y
elled the Fendel creature biting deep into the old man’s cheek.

Ben screamed, the bite drawing blood instantly, and dropping the shears, then grabbed the Fendel creature and threw him against the closest wall. Crinkle saw her chance, and picking up the shears then pointed them in his direction with grim determination.

“
Hurt my friend will you?! EAT MY LEGS WILL YOU?
!”
s
he shouted angrily.

“
You’ll never be able to work them
,”
he replied, his voice breaking slightly, betraying his concern.

“
Actually I rather like my legs, they make me taller
!”

“
Look, let’s talk about this shall we
?
”

“
Oh, I’ll give you something to talk about it, talk about this
!”
s
he finished snipping the shears toward him
,
in the way she imagined he had done
just moments
before.

“
Careful Crinks
,”
said the Fendel creature
,
“
that’s powerful juju
!”

Ben was instantly floored, and curled up in ball, seemingly defeated.

“
Nice work
,”
praised the Fendel creature
,
“
now do me Crinks
!”

“
Hold your hybri-horses Fends, first I’m gonna need my legs back
,”
and that said she made a couple of precise snips with the shears and returned her legs to flesh and blood.

“
I think I’m getting the hang of these
!”

“
Oh you think
,”
replied the Fendel creature
,
“
look at Ben
!”

Crinkle turned to look at Ben and discovered instead an enormous atmos-shark, the angry variety with extra teeth.

“
Ha
!”
Ben cried
,
“
I’m still hungry
!”

Ben the atmos-shark
then
started to lift off the floor and fly towards them. An atmos-shark was a particularly nasty creature, which having evolved extra large fins, then used these to great effect when navigating air thermals. The upshot of this was that it was a lot safer to go swimming on the planets they inhabited, the down shot was that it was particularly unsafe when not swimming.

“
To the lake
!”
s
houted the Fendel creature.

“
We’re not gonna make it
,”
she cried back
,
“
quick Fends get on my shoulder
!”

The Fendel creature promptly did what it was told and leapt hurri
edly onto her shoulder. She then
turned the shears on herself, and several
delicate snips later, was now
looking down on the flying shark from over fifty feet up in the air.

“
Wow Crinks
,”
exclaimed the Fendel creature
,
“
you’re massive
!”

“
Tall Fends, the word is tall
!”

The wo
rd certainly was tall, as she
was now a fifty foot version of herself, with the Fendel creature sat like an insect on her shoulder. This was not enough however, to dissuade Ben from eating them both, so as the colossal Crinkle ran away back through the woods, the hungry shark was in hot pursuit.

34.

“
This way Crinks
,”
shouted Fendel
,
“
over here
!”

Crinkle was running full pelt through a gorge, and
even though she was now using twenty
foot legs, Ben was closing in on her, using his new atmos-shark status to full advantage.

“
Crinkle
,”
bellowed Slip
,
“
down here
!”

This time she heard it, so pausing mid-sprint, looked down to find Slip, Pete, and Fendel.

“
Borz your big
!”
sta
ted Slip matter-of-factly.

“
Tall you lummox, the adjective is tall
!”

“
He’s still coming
,”
said the Fendel creature, who havin
g pride of place atop her
shoulder, could see the atmos-shark but a short way behind them.

Crinkle could see they needed a new plan, and that, combined with the fact she kept being called big, meant that moments later she had returned to her normal diminutive stature, having turned the shears on herself once again.

“
Neat trick Crinks
,”
said Fendel
,
“
who’s the parrot
?”

“
I’m you, you parsnip
!”
replied the Fendel creature.

“
Oh cool
,” said Fendel non
chalantly
, “
I’ve lost weight
.”

“
Listen everyone
,”
she
addressed the group
,
“
there’s a giant flying shark that’s gonna chomp us up as an aperitif if we are not o
utta here in the next thirty clicks
!”

“
Don’t sweat it sweet cheeks
,”
replied Slip
,
“
I eat shark for breakfast
!”

“
You eat toast for breakfast
,”
corrected Fendel.

“
Yeah
okay Fends
,”
said Slip
,
“
I eat toast for breakfast
!”

“
Well whatever you eat, here it comes
!”
i
nt
e
r
r
upted Pete, quite clearly alarmed.

“
Fee, fi, fo, fum, I’m gonna eat you all and then some
,”
rhymed Ben.

“
What is this, a cannibalistic nursery rhyme?
!”
s
aid Pete aghast.

“
Crinks
,”
began the Fendel creature
,
“
this clearly calls for some more Salamaloo juju
.”

“
Yeah
Crinks
,”
agreed Fendel
,
“
listen to mini me will you
.”

“
Look these things only cause trouble
,”
she replied unconvinced
,
“
we wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for these stupid shears
.”

“
Calm down Crinkle cakes
,”
said Slip
,
“
Slip
McGroovy
’s here hun
’
, and this airborne shark doesn’t scare me
!”

“
Fee, fi, fo, fam, I’m gonna eat the fat one first, ‘cos he smells like ham
,”
said Ben who was almost upon them now.

“
Fat one
,”
said Slip clearly upset
,
“
I’m big-boned you brute! Crinkle, give me those shears
.”

“
Here you go Slip
,”
she replied handing him the shears
,
“
but don’t say I didn’t warn you
.”

“
There’s only one way I know to catch a shark
,”
Slip went on.

“
What way
?”
they asked
in unison.

He held the shears out before him, before slicing several intricate shapes and yelling
:

“
F
ishing
!”

“
What have you done?
!”
s
hrieked Dink, managing at last to pull his hand free from the grafting tube.

Only moments ago, Slip had plunged his makeshift fishing rod into the machine, when Dink had resolutely refused to accept
it with his one good, attached
hand. As he had done this, a whole array of alarm bells had started to sound, and the medi-computer itself had gone into meltdown, with
e
r
r
or message after
e
r
r
or message, beginning with the benign
“
warning, foreign object detected in grafting tube 4
”
, to the entirely t
e
r
r
ifying
“
YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE, YOUR SOULS WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD SHORTLY FROM THE PUBLIC MAINFRAME
”
. Fortunately, nobody did in fact die, unfortunately, that was in no way going to stop Dink from killing them all in the very near future.

“
Fishing
,”
Slip replied
,
“
now you can definitely go fishing
.”

Dink looked down at his new hand. The rod (or broom handle) had been fused to his wrist bone,
and
where he once had fingers, he now had fishing wire (electrical flex) covered in scraps of mutilated kitten. He was really very upset with this whole new arrangement of hand, and as he clocked Slip beaming at him, clearly delighted with his work, it was almost unconscious as he lashed out with it, catching Slip neatly on the chin.

“
Ow
,”
whimpered Slip
,
“
what was that for?
!”
“
What do you think it was for, you idiot?
!”
he
shouted back
,
“
look what you’ve done to my hand!
”

“
Yeah
,”
shrugged Slip
,
“
now you never have to not be fishing again! Shoot, you can even fish in your sleep
!”

“
BUT WHY?
!”

“
Erm
,”
thought Slip for a moment
,
“
well it beats being an evil galactic overlord
!”

“
You’re all insane
,”
said Dink altogether too calmly
,
“
being around you people is wrong
.”

“
Aw don’t be like that Dinkle
,”
said Pete
,
“
we just wanna be pals, don’t we gang
?”

Crinkle and Slip nodded
uneasily
at this.

“
Okay
,”
put in Pete
,
“
Slip may have been heavy handed with his approach…
“

Dink grimaced.

“
… But you’ve gotta believe that what he did, he did because of you
.”

He
was turning a shade of angry purple now.

“
We just want to help you to help yourself
,”
put in Crinkle, which she had hea
rd preached before on the AA
channel.

“
You call this help?
!”
h
e fumed, waving his fishing hand about
,
“
I’ve never even met you people and you decide all of a sudden to int
er
r
upt a very delicate transplant operation by forcing a broom handle into the grafting machine
!”
“
Fishing rod
,”
corrected Slip.

“
And your reason for doing this is so that rather than be
come
some kind of evil space overlord, I can instead vent all of my frustration by going fishing?
!”

“
Exactly
!”
t
hey agreed, nodding in approval.

“
Even though my planet has not got
any fish, or indeed any oceans
!”

The Renegade team were silent.

“
Well
,”
resumed Dink calmly again
,
“
I think I ought to be leaving now before I
murder you all
.”

“
Don’t you want to do the other hand
?”
a
sked Slip, who had somehow got hold of set of skis and was now waving them cheerfully at him.

“
NO
,”
he shouted, before leaving the room hurriedly, and locking the door behind him as he went.

Dink left the hospita
l like a man on fire leaving a sauna, o
nce outside, he hailed a trans
portable, and in doing
so
, hooked
himself an empty crisp packet.

“
Where to sir?
”
a
sked the driver CPU.

“
Rikorn offices
,”
he growled back.

“
Excellent day for it
.”

“
For what exactly
?”

“
Fishing of course
,”
answered the driver CPU.

“
I’m not going fishing
,”
he said, trying to contain his anger.

“
Of course sir
.”

Dink could not be sure, but he was almost certain he detected a hint of mockery in the computer’s tone. He thought for a moment about getting out of the transportable and slamming the door really hard, before realizing, he was really very late
for work now, and his boss M
r Framer was already going to be a cross Co-leen, without him adding yet further delay.

“
Step on it
,”
he told the driver CPU.

“
Consider it stepped on sir
.”

***

“
Well
,”
began Pete
,
“
that’s just brilliant
!”

“
I know
,”
shrugged Slip
,
“
I really was rather, wasn’t I
.”

“
No, you oaf, I was being sarcastic
!”

“
Yeah
,”
Slip replied
,
“
well I was being cat-tastic! Nice work with that by the way
.”

“
How was I to know I had mutilated a kitten?! It was you who failed to mention there’s no fish on this planet
!”

“
Yeah
, well your face doesn’t have a fish on it
!”
Slip shouted back angrily.

“
That doesn’t even mean anything you donkey
!”

“
I’ll give you donkey
!”

“
Boys, boys, boys
,”
int
er
r
upted Crinkle
,
“
let’s just calm down a bit shall we
.”

“
Yeah
maybe Mister redundant species here should make like a banana, and bend
!”

“
It’s split you mule, make like a banana, and split
!”
“
Bend, split, whatever
,”
she
int
er
r
upted again, p
l
aying the mediator
,
“
that’s not really helping matters is it
?”

“
No
,”
replied Pete after a moment.

“
I’m hungry
,”
said Slip in a small voice.

“
Okay, so why don’t we forgive and forget
,
and
start to
work on a way to get us outta here
?”
s
he suggested amicably.

“
Agreed
,”
agreed Pete and Slip.

“
Very unreasonable of him to have locked us in here after all we did with his new hand and everything
,”
said Slip.

“
Slip
,”
replied Crinkle bluntly
,
“
don’t
.”

“So what’s next?” asked Pete.

“Fear not my little monkey, I have a plan.”

“Well tell us then Slip, what is this devastatingly cunning plan?” coaxed Crinkle mockingly.

“
Okay my little renegade revellers
,”
began Slip
, “h
ow about we dress Pete up as a patient and claim he’s sick, so sick in fact that no known cure exits. I
then
pretend to be his partner and you Crinks play the role of his accountant. We call for a doctor and as he is being examined, we use the opportunity to inject the attending physician wi
th a fast-acting paralysis tonic
. I then take the doctor’s clothes and Crinkle pretends to crack under the pressure of
her long hours of doing the books
. I then escort her from the premises as a mental patient of mine, while Pete climbs out the window and waits at the front of the hospital holding a sign saying
,
“
peace of mind sale – today only
”
. Seeing the sign Crinkle, who is quite clearly mad, starts attacking you and I am forced to intervene and call the police. The police then arrest both of you and lock you up, where later today I will appear as your solicitor and pay your bail. Both of you are then released, and we are free again. Fool proof
.”

The room was silent.

“
How about we go out the other door
?”
s
uggested Pete.

“
Works for me
,”
replied Crinkle
as they all followed her out through the other door.

36.

“
But my Liege
,”
began Pete
,
“
how was I to know that the giant diver man was only a plastic statue
!”

“
Enough serf
,”
replied King Slip
,
“
your words displease us
.”

“
Indeed
,”
agreed Queen Crinkle.

“
You shall be executed immediately and your twitching body thrown from the king-tank
!”

“
But sire
,”
grovelled Pete
,
“
I will pay for any damages
.”

“
You will pay with your life
!”

“
Okay
,”
he said
thinking quickly
,
“
I bring news on Ben
!”

The hall was silenced.

“
That is
a name we do not mention
in this castle
,”
replied King Slip sternly.

“
Well I better get on then
,”
he said
turning to leave
,
“
gotta see an executioner about an execution sorta thing, bye then
.”

“
Wait
,”
commanded the King
,
“
we will hear what you have to say
.”