Repented (2 page)

Her face scrunched up as if I slapped her. Well too bad, I was pissed and she wasn’t going to get out of this without getting some of the pain she’s given all of us.

“I guess I deserve that, but honestly I didn’t have any other choice, did I?” She spat back. 

Her eyes brimmed with tears, and I knew I needed to take it down a notch. It was partially my fault too. I didn’t ask questions. I just wanted it all to disappear, including her.

“Listen, not to be a complete dick, but I need some time to sort through all this information myself. Why don’t you take Skylar and get some rest. We’ll talk more tomorrow when everyone is calmed down a bit? I can’t do this right now either. I'm sorry.”

She gave a small, broken nod and walked inside leaving me standing there. Alone. After what felt like an eternity of staring at nothing, I finally made my feet connect to my brain. I started my way up to my suite. The suite Bryn and I were supposed to share tonight as a married couple. I hoped enough time had passed that the coast would be clear of attendees. The last thing I could handle right now would be seeing guests that were supposed to be attending the wedding. I couldn't handle the looks of shock and horror, only imagining what was running through their heads at the moment.

Feeling like I was crawling through my darkest dream, only in my case it was now a reality, I walked in a daze to the lobby elevator.

My past had finally come back to haunt me. 

It only took minutes for it to all come crashing down, and now I had to accept that there was a strong possibility that I was a dad. A dad to some kid I never met. Sure, I had to financial means to take care of a kid. Bryn and I had even talked about it a bit, but it was a ways down the road yet. Mentally, I didn’t feel like I was ready for that sort of responsibility, even the new and improved version was running and hiding from this one.

As soon as the door to the suite closed behind me, my first instinct was to raid the mini bar, or call up an old dealer. Anything that could make my mind forget what it didn’t want to remember. After holding my phone in my hand contemplating for what felt like days, when it was only seconds, I placed it on the table and backed away.

You know better now. It's not going to solve anything. Man up and face this head on.
I repeated those words over and over in my head trying to burn today's events out of my memory.

Needing a distraction, I stripped out of my tux leaving it in a pile on the floor and made my way into the bathroom. I felt dirty. I felt shitty. I wanted to feel clean.

Turning the shower on, I stepped in and stood under the water until I could barely hold myself up. My mind raced. No matter how many times I tried to shut it off, it kept replaying today's events. I was so drunk and high the night that Skylar was conceived that the memory was fuzzy, but there was a definite possibility that I could be his dad.

Exhausted, I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist before climbing into bed. Completely mentally drained, my body demanded sleep. The fact that it was only seven o'clock didn't even cross my mind.

CHAPTER TWO

WHAT’S NEXT?

The blinding sun shining through the hotel curtains hinted that it was morning. I was instantly pissed at myself for not remembering to close them, but the view from here was spectacular. You could see the ocean, the mountains and the city from the suite. I lay in bed, still wrapped in the towel, as the high thread count sheets claimed me as their own. Sitting up, it was eerily quiet, but I was thankful I remembered to hang the Do Not Disturb sign and unhook the phones.

The fact that I managed to sleep at all last night was a feat all its own. Throughout the night, I tossed and turned. I battled with myself. But, in the end I refused to sink. It was like there was an invisible anchor keeping me afloat.

Part of me was hoping that it was all a bad dream and that Bryn would be in bed next to me, but it was real, and my heart was still broken. Dark thoughts filled my already racing mind. Deeply hidden scars were ripped wide open, and I wasn’t sure they would heal this time.

My first thought was Bryn and how much she must be hurting right now. How embarrassing the whole situation was for her, our families, not to mention what this was probably going to end up doing to the band. We were like brothers. Normal people didn't just do something like that to someone they cared about, but at the time I was the furthest thing from normal. I did what I wanted and lived in a constant state of fuckedupness. It didn't even matter because it wasn’t going to bear much weight now. Lives are changed because of what happened. I needed to man up and take responsibility for my actions. As it was, it was going to take all the effort I had to drag myself out of bed and face reality.

First, I needed answers and I owed a lot of people apologies. Rubbing my hands over my eyes, I tried to focus my mind on something to keep me grounded, but came up empty. More than anything, I wished I could talk to Bryn. I tried reaching out a few times last night while I was tossing a turning, but she wasn’t having it and eventually turned her phone off. Plugging the hotel phone back in, I saw the message indicator light flashing.

“Um, Hi Kevin, it’s Kennedy. I realized I didn’t give you my number or where to reach me here in LA. Anyway, you can call me if you still want to meet up at some point today. It’s 602-442-9082. I’m really sorry about yesterday. Okay, talk to you soon. I hope. Bye.”

Her voice sounded so shaky in the voicemail. In fact, she didn’t sound like herself at all. Again, guilt and remorse flooded over me. I was pretty damn awful to her yesterday, even if she had it coming. How in the fuck could I have let this happen? Blaming it on being young and stupid didn’t seem like a logical excuse anymore. The fact that Derek and her were married was weighing on me now too. Why would they hide something like that? Knowing there was only one way I was going to get answers, I picked up the phone and dialed her number.

After the second ring, she picked up. “Hello," her voice sounded small. I reminded myself to stay in check. Flipping out on her wasn't going to solve anything.

I paused for a minute, standing to look at the view, hoping to find something to focus on. “Kennedy, it’s Kevin.”

I heard an audible sigh. It was hard to tell if it was out of relief, frustration, or both.“I know. How are you today?”

Talking a seat on the bed, I focused my attention on staring at the circle like pattern on the duvet. I knew she was just exchanging pleasantries, but asking how I was after what went down yesterday just seemed asinine. The only way we were going to be able to make any progress, and find answers was to have a sit down face to face. I was already dreading the inevitable.

"Listen, I don't want to sound like a dick again, but I don’t want to talk about anything right now. Can you meet me in an hour down in the lobby? We can grab breakfast and talk.” I wasn't in the mood for small talk. It was hard enough for me to keep myself grounded at the moment.

I sensed hesitation from the other end. “Okay. I’ll see you in an hour.”

Without saying goodbye, I hung up the phone and headed for the bathroom to shower and try collect my thoughts. So many questions needed be answered. There were blanks that I couldn't fill, no matter how hard I tried.

As I passed through the seating room, I noticed an envelope sitting under the door. My heart dropped. I walked over and picked it up. There was no name on it, but it was obvious who it was from. I forced myself to take a seat on the sofa, before pulling out the folded letter.

Kevin,

I don't even know where to start with all of this. In the beginning, I knew I was signing up for a lot. Over the past three years, we've slowly pulled back the layers of your past. Or so I thought. In that time, I gave you trust and control. You took it. You used it, abused it even. It doesn't seem fair, so after yesterday, I’m taking it all back. I didn't sign up for this.

I thought all the skeletons were cleaned out, but this is something entirely different. I don't know how you'd forget to tell me something this major. It's hard for me to believe the guy I was planning on spending the rest of my life with could let me down as much as you did. It turns out, you're not who I thought you were after all. That said, you can go on leading whatever life you want, but count me out. As the one person that promised I’d always be there, you can cross me off that list because I’m done. We're done. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened and I just don’t see us ever being able to move past this. ~ Bryn

Tossing the letter onto the top of my bag, I tried my best to put it out of my mind. Honestly, I was expecting her to be pissed off and hurt that I never told her, but I wasn't expecting her to shut me out completely. Hell, I didn't even know. I completely repressed it until I saw Kennedy's face, and even then.

After everything we've worked through since we've known each other, I thought we were unbreakable. Apparently, I was wrong. As much as I wanted to spend the day moping around thinking of ways to try and pick up the pieces, I needed to stay clear minded. If I was meeting Kennedy, I needed to be able to ask the right questions.

Fifty minutes later, looking slightly less disheveled, I was in the elevator heading down to the lobby. My Ray-Ban aviators covered my bloodshot eyes. A dull pounding radiating through my head, it was like having all the effects of a hangover without drinking a sip of alcohol. Again, I was hoping to avoid any guests from the wedding that didn’t take place, knowing it was probably unlikely. I couldn't get that lucky twice.

As the doors dinged signaling the lobby, they opened, and Bryn’s Aunt Sally stood there. Her smile was quickly replaced with fury. Her hand wretched back and slapped me clear across the face. She was a short, portly woman and thankfully didn't have much force behind her swing.

“How dare you!” She shrieked.

“Nice to see you too, Sally,” I said, walking past her keeping my head down.

As I rounded the corner into the lobby, Kennedy was already standing there with Skylar next to her. She was staring into nothing, looking as tired as I felt. Trying to study his face inconspicuously to find the resemblance, I still couldn’t see it. Not all kids look like their parents I suppose, so it didn't mean anything. Besides, the timing fit. What a clusterfuck I had gotten myself into.

“Hey,” I said, feeling incredibly awkward. We needed to get out of here before more people started surfacing. I didn't need a repeat of the Aunt Sally incident.

Kennedy looked just as uncomfortable. “Hey. Skylar this is Mommy's old friend, Kevin. Kevin meet Skylar.”

His hair was the same shade as Kennedy's. His face was more narrow than either of ours, but I still couldn't figure out which of my features he had. If any.

“Hey buddy,” I replied not having anything else pop into my head. He smiled and clung to her. I returned my gaze to Kennedy. “So, um, did you have any plans, or did you just want to go somewhere and grab breakfast?”

“Breakfast is fine. Maybe we can find a park nearby for Skylar to play while we catch up?”

At least she was mature enough not to go into details in front of him.“Sure, I know just the place.”

We walked three blocks in silence to Dave’s Deli. I grabbed us some breakfast sandwiches and drinks before heading to Colts Park across the street. It wasn’t anything extravagant, but it would have to do for now.

I started towards a cluster of tables and benches in the shade and took a seat. Kennedy sat across from me looking even more uncertain. A small bit of light came shining through highlighting the red undertones of her and Skylar's hair. He was eyeing the park like a hawk.

He smiled at her, still missing one of his front teeth. “Mom, can I eat after I play for a bit? There’s a ton of slides over there.”

She looked at him, then at me. I shrugged, figuring it would probably be best for him not to be within earshot of whatever was going to be said. “Fine, but stay where I can see you.” She gave him a stern, motherly look and he was gone before she even finished.

“I guess he has a lot of energy?” I asked. 

“You could say that. It’s definitely a boy thing though. My other mom friends with girls don’t seem to have that problem so much,” she sighed.

I decided to cut right to the chase. “Why now, Kennedy? It was my fucking wedding. You couldn't have waited until after.”

“I guess there’s no use for small talk is there?” She asked as I shook my head. “Blame Joss, she wouldn't let it go. But you know what, I’m tired of struggling. I’ve been doing this on my own for almost ten years, Kev. Working one dead end job after another to try and make ends meet. Somehow, I've managed to stay away from Derek all this time, and him me. In my heart, I always knew that he would make it one day, that all of you would. When that finally happened, I was hoping he would want to be a part of my life again, of Skylar’s life. That he'd come back for me," her hands ran through her thick, dark hair as her eyes grew misty. "Then, right after you guys signed, he called me out of the blue and thanked me for leaving. He said it was the best thing that could have ever happened to him. Thanked me for not weighing him down."

Instinctively, I reached across the table and put my hand on hers. "That had to hurt hearing that."

She nodded. "He told me he wanted a divorce, but he didn’t know about Skylar, and I didn’t know how to tell him. Selfishly, I also knew that by waiting I could probably get more money for alimony or something. In my defense, I only wanted it for Sky. Like I said yesterday, part of me has always known that he wasn't Derek's. No matter how much he hurt me in the past, I love him, and I wanted to believe Sky was a piece of him. Now I see that I was delusional thinking that we would find our way back to one another, and it would be like it used to be.” She wiped a tear from her cheek and looked over at Skylar to make sure he didn't see her crying.

I knew how much it sucked to be honest about something that hurt you. I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to learn to do the same thing. Even though I was hurting and she was the reason, part of me wanted to console her.

“Why didn’t you guys tell us you got married?”

She rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. “It was a spur of the moment thing. We just did it one day, kind of like a fuck you to the system. Please, we were just eighteen and spent a majority of our lives fighting for something that neither of us had. A family. Then he left me, just like everyone else did. After that, all I wanted to do was get away. Even though I was young, I didn’t want to take the only other thing he loved away, and that was his music. The only way to do that was if he thought that I up and left him too. I knew if I told you, even though you were screwed up at the time, that you wouldn’t have let me go. So even though I had my own selfish reasons, I wanted Derek to make something of himself. I didn’t want him to give up everything he loved to be a dad to a kid that possibly didn’t even belong to him. No offense, but you were in no way shape or form capable, or willing, to step up to the plate, and I was better off doing it on my own.”

Her words cut me. Deep. I felt like I was a fucking asshole.

“I’m still just trying to understand the timing. Why here in LA? Why my wedding?”

“Well basically, Derek tracked me down and showed up out of the blue with divorce papers. Just as he was getting ready to leave, Skylar popped out the door, and Derek looked like a deer in the headlights. Things quickly spun out of control, and he wouldn’t let me explain much of anything. I knew I needed to tell him that Sky wasn’t his, but I couldn’t. I choked. Seeing him again brought so much to the surface. And even though he came with papers, I guess I was just holding onto hope that maybe we would have a chance. I know it sounds crazy and that we had a completely beyond dysfunctional relationship, but he was my first love." She turned to look at Skylar, then back to me. "When he invited me here, I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn’t refuse. I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you alone before the wedding, but there wasn’t any time. Trust me, I was just as shocked at what Joss did as everyone else was. She had been drilling me relentlessly, and I slipped up. She should have waited…” she trailed off.

“It’s too late to go back now. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think we need to do a DNA test just to be positive that he is mine. If he is, I promise I’ll be there for him and you the best I can. I’ve missed out on a lot, but that shouldn’t be held against me since I didn’t even know he existed until yesterday.”